I just throw back my head and laugh. This is the boy I fell in love with over and over. He has turned into the man who was going to make my dreams come true. The man that broke my heart was a stranger, and I hope this one is back to stay.
He throws in for good measure, “I got some help from your sister and Colby, so this will be epic.” Oh God. With my sister’s passion for music and lyrics, and Colby being so swoon worthy, I am in trouble. I don’t have words, so I just nod my head at him. He reaches over and grabs my hand as he backs out. I don’t want to admit how much I love his calming touch. It always grounded me. Whether it was an issue with Dustin, Cambree, and Brielle in the early days, or the passing of my grandparents, he was always my calming strength. A look or slight touch could ground me. I miss that. I need that. Okay, Addison, be open to whatever he has to say. Don’t go bitch mode. Open yourself up. What more damage can he do?
We end up at our high school. I glance up at him with tears in my eyes.
“I am going back to the start,” He tells me. I don’t know if I can do that. “Yes you can, Lil’ Bit. It may hurt, but it will help you remember who I am.” How does he read me like that? I just reach my hand out and grab his. Once we make it to the football field, he lays down a blanket and picnic basket. God, this was our first date. He is recreating it for me.
“Okay, I am going to tell you about my lunch, the good and the bad. I am going to tell you what I think I have worked out in my head. Then I want us to share our memories, both ugly and beautiful. We have to put this to rest so we can move forward.”
“How much time do we have?” I ask.
“We take as much time as this needs. We deserve it, and the girls deserve it.” His simple answer puts it all in perspective. “I will go first and tell you what I am dreading.”
He is so vulnerable at this moment, and my heart aches for him. I know he needs to do this, so whatever roadblock he keeps throwing up will finally come down. I know I need to hear this, but I am afraid it will change my mind, and then I will get my heart broken all over again.
He reaches over and cradles my face. “You have to have an open mind and open heart. I know it is hard. I know what I am asking of you, but please, do this one last thing for me. I don’t want to just tell you the words. I want, no, I need, you to hear them, feel them. Always know, I love you, and I will not hurt you again.”
I reach up and cover his hands with mine. “Okay, Tyler. Please make me feel and believe your love again. Without it I am not whole. Without it I am hurting all the time.”
He bends down and kisses my forehead, then my lips. “More than anything, I want that pain to be gone. I want to take it away. I am holding nothing back from you. Some of it will hurt, but we have to do this.” I nod at him to pull back, so I can look at him while he gets ready to heal me or destroy me.
He lets go of me and exhales loudly. “So I ran into my parents, and they commanded my appearance at lunch. We were together ten years, Addison, and how often did you have anything to do with them? When I went over there yesterday and informed them they were grandparents and all that has happened between us, they weren’t impressed. The fact that we have beautiful twin girls, and they didn’t know didn’t bother them. They were more shocked, or embarrassed rather, that we weren’t married. So I had to explain the whole sordid story to them, and I have to admit, hearing it all come from my mouth . . . it made me sick. I couldn’t believe I was that person, but most of all I can’t believe I ever put you through that. The fact it didn’t faze them at all made me realize my biggest fear . . . I was behaving like them. That is the one thing I am most disgusted about. You know I didn’t have the worst childhood, but I didn’t have parents. Their way of dealing with me was to not deal with me, unless it benefited them. I think that is why I ran, and why I refused to ever believe I wanted to be a father. I was afraid of being them, and I did it anyway. Being with them yesterday showed me I am not them. I never could be. The whole time I was away from you, I ached for you. My love never wavered, but my doubt in myself is what did it. I should have just talked to you, Addison, but I was weak. You are this amazing woman, who raised her siblings, dealt with my bullshit, and you still loved us all. I didn’t feel worthy, and for that I will never forgive myself. I missed rubbing your belly; I missed hearing the babies’ heartbeats, the appointments, and the birth. But I vow to you right now, I am not missing another thing. I am not missing another second in our lives or theirs.”
His words have silenced me. Seeing the tears rolling down his face breaks my heart. I knew his parents were absentees at best, but I guess because of my own situation I didn’t pay much attention to it. Tyler is a good man, and yes he has made his mistakes, but haven’t we all? I used to tell Brielle all the time, “your past may shape you, but don’t let it define you.” Was I ready to take the same advice? Our past has its good, bad, and ugly, but can I leave it in the past? I reach up and wipe his tears off his face, and place a soft kiss on his lips.
“Tyler, you could never be them. I wish you would have come to me, and I could have eased your worries. Your heart is loyal and strong. You were my strength to deal with my life, and I am sorry I wasn’t the same to you. I am sorry for your parents, but you know what, none of that matters but our choices. Yes, we have to learn to deal with the hands we are dealt. But until you face it and learn from it, you will never move forward.”
We stare at each other, not wanting to break this tranquil moment that is long overdue. But we both know this is just the tip of our issues. We were both good about not rocking the boat, just sweeping things under the rug, and when the pile got too big, we not only tripped over it, but we fell flat on our faces.
“We need to rip off the Band-Aid and just lay it all out there,” I tell him.
“Okay, Lil’ Bit. It may hurt, but we need to agree to be there for one another during this. It is our past. We have a chance for a future, but not without this baggage being gone.”
I don’t really answer him for two reasons. One, I don’t know if there is a future. Yes, all this will be cleansing for the soul, and I know we need it, but I am only human and don’t know if I can move forward together. And second, I know this is going to hurt, and it’s not like I sit around on a daily basis thinking of torture scenarios, but if I did, this would be numero uno. Right now I wish I was Brielle, because while she would feel it and be hurt, you can bet your ass that girl wouldn’t let you know it.
“You first, please,’ I whimper to him. He just grabs my hand and brings it to his lips. I know it was supposed to be reassuring, but it isn’t helping.
Chapter 20
Tyler
I can tell she is fearful of what this will bring. I know I am. Really, most of my memories are great, but it wasn’t her ripping my heart out multiple times. That was my specialty. She is scared of the pain, and what this will mean for us, and I am scared she won’t find her way back to me. I just keep telling myself that is not an option.
“Okay, my first is 2006 when you walked into school as the new girl . . . sexy as hell, and so tiny I wanted to put you in my pocket. All pervy thoughts aside . . .” I wink at her. I get that smile I was hoping for and see her visibly relax. “You walked in there like you didn’t have a care in the world, like being the new kid didn’t scare you, and I knew right then I had to have you. You were mine from the first moment I saw you.”
She jumps right in, “You walked up and threw your arm around me and said, ‘I am Tyler James, and that is the only name you need to know.’ I thought you were the hottest guy I had seen, but also the most deranged. I mean seriously, Tyler, who does that? But I didn’t try to push your arm off of me, because it just felt natural, like home. You walked me down to your locker and grabbed my hand, wrote your combination on it, and told me to just meet you there after our first class, and we would compare schedules and work it out. Then you kissed me on my forehead, winked at me, and walked off. Then I remember you stopped and said, ‘I have been waiting on yo
u, Lil’ Bit,’ and I just melted right there. You, Tyler James, are lethal.”
Both of us are smiling, caught up in our memories. I tell her, “Nothing has changed. You are still it for me, Lil’ Bit. Always. I remember meeting you back at my locker and finding out your last name and schedule. Then I marched you right into the office and talked to Ms. Chester and told her who you were. We all knew your grandparents. Then I told her, I would like our schedules to match. I just can’t believe she did it. God, I was a cocky little ass back then.”
“Yeah, now I see where Dustin gets it.” She laughs. “I didn’t fight you one bit. I think you had my heart from that moment on. Oh, remember our first fight that week. You were jealous even then. I remember being so excited telling you I was trying out for the dance squad, and you told me there was no way in hell your girl was shaking her shit for the school to see. I believe I told you right then, that maybe I wasn’t your girl.”
“You broke my heart, Addison. I could tell you were serious and determined and that made you even more sexy, but I was going to be damned if every guy was going to watch what was mine. So, in the middle of the hallway I marked your ass.” She just looks shocked.
“What are you talking about?”
“I laid claim, woman. There was going to be no doubt in all those horny asses’ minds that you were mine.”
“Our first kiss was you ‘laying claim to me?’”
“Yep, worked too.” I know I shouldn’t be so smug, but that feeling of possessiveness has never gone away. My girl just doesn’t get it.
“Oh my God, I should be pissed that our first kiss was a pissing contest, but it is kind of hot, too. Every time any guy came around me, they never looked at me, and now I know why. You are crazy. But, you were also my whole world, and I was really hoping I wasn’t going to have to break up with you after a week. That would have crushed my teenage heart.” Oh, she thinks she is being funny now.
“No way, Addy. No way was I letting you get away. Then when I watched you dance for the first time, I knew there was no way I could take that away from you. I still to this day cannot tell you how you make me feel when you dance. I get so turned on, but I feel you. Whatever you are feeling comes through in your dancing, and you are so amazing at it. Not that any of that mattered when I saw the damn uniform you were going to wear. I swear, I thought about quitting football just so I could stand guard.”
She is laughing so hard at me that she has tears running down her cheeks and is doubled over holding her side. It is nice to see, especially tears from happiness for once. But I am being serious, I actually did talk to coach and try to quit, but he wouldn’t let me.
“Tyler, I remember your face that day you dropped me off at the house, and I was showing my grandmother my uniform. You and my grandfather were so red in the face, and you couldn’t even get a word out you were so mad. You kept shaking your head and saying ‘no’ over and over. I remember my grandmother told you to hush up or something, and then told me how beautiful I was going to be. And I remember my grandfather really looked at you that day and laughed. One second he was ready to lock me in my room, and the next he was in cahoots with you. That night at dinner he told me I had found a keeper, and my grandmother said I had found my lobster. She was hooked on Friends at that time, so that meant you were my soul mate. My grandfather said you may just be a boy now, but you were going to be one hell of a man, and he had no worries because you were going to be the man to make all my dreams come true.”
Damn, that makes me choke up. I know it has to be hard on her to remember her grandparents and all the advice we both received over the years. It kills me to know I let that man down. He was always rooting for me, for us. I promised him I loved his granddaughter and wouldn’t hurt her. Fuck . . . how did I let it get here? I don’t even realize it before Addison is wiping tears from my face again. She whispers, “It is okay, Tyler. He loved you and knew your intentions. They would be proud of us, right now, trying to be adults and working it out. Don’t let the guilt eat you. They can see us from heaven, and I know he still thinks you are one hell of a man. A little tarnished, but don’t you remember grandmother always saying that anything worth having had a little dirt on it. She said spit-shining it made the shine that much better. God, I haven’t let myself think about all their advice and words in years. I feel like I have cheated myself. Thank you for this. It helps me on so many levels. It is time to go back to our roots.” She gives me a hug, and says, “Okay, let’s fast forward through all that. It was fun, and it was us falling in love.”
“Wait, we have to talk about our senior year. That is one memory I don’t ever want to forget, Addison . . . our senior prom. I remember you said you wanted the whole cliché night . . . corsage, dress, dinner, and limo. And then you said we were going to make love for the first time. I remember I couldn’t breathe after that. After two years together, you were finally giving all of yourself to me. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. God, do you remember?”
“Yes, Tyler. I was so scared to tell you, but so sure of my decision. I knew I wanted you to be my first . . . and last. That was when my love for Victoria’s Secret began. I remember my grandmother taking me shopping, and for all their old-fashioned ways, she wasn’t naïve. She told me that it was my choice, and she trusted me to know my heart and not make a mistake. She also told me never to tell my grandfather what she said. I remember thinking in that moment that I had it all. Awesome home, love, boyfriend, and siblings. I felt the world was at my fingers. Then the week before prom, you accepted your scholarship to play ball at Alabama, and I knew I was going to Florida. But I was naïve enough to think that wouldn’t matter. I thought we would be okay, that we would beat the odds.”
“We did, baby. We did. Yes, I screwed up and broke us up, but my heart was always yours. This has been the first conversation I never wanted to have, because I have no right, but it is going to kill me to find out what you did with our year apart. But, I guess if I want the good, I need to take the bad. But can I have a moment to just remember all the memories we just shared?”
“Of course, there is no rush, remember.” She just smiles at me. She is trying to ease my guilt, or trying to ease the pain that is coming.
I jump up and grab my iPod and look at her and laugh. “Music is not my thing like it is to you and Brielle, but she helped me with this. So she put some songs on here for us, and said they are just for us. I say we take a breather and listen for a song.” When she nods I hit play. I have no idea what this is, so I look down and see “My Forever” by He is We, and I love that title. I see Addison really listening to the lyrics, and once I calm down enough to listen, I can honestly say I understand this music thing a lot better. This song is telling her what I want. As soon as that song stops, another by the same group starts, “All About Us,” but during this one, I pull Addison up and ask her, “Dance with me?” She wraps her arms around my waist and buries her head in my chest, and it is the only answer I need. She had it right when she said, home. This is home for both of us.
She leans back and says, “This reminds me of prom. My cliché, wonderful, every dream come true, senior prom. If we only knew then what we know now . . .”
“I may have changed some of it, Lil’ Bit. But if it ends up with you in my arms for the rest of my life, then I would say every bad thing was worth it. There is nobody else I want in my arms or in my heart.”
After the song ends, I still hold her to me and sway to the beat of our hearts. I look up across the football field, and I can picture her on the dance squad, me playing football, our graduation, and every moment in between, and I know that this girl in my arms is my life, and it will all be worth it. We are so entwined in each other’s memories, and you can’t erase those. Sometimes we may forget them, but in a moment they can come crashing back. I just want her to remember the good ones. I want to erase the bad ones, and I know I can’t. With reluctance I let her go and look into her eyes and tell her, “It’s time to finish this.�
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I lead her back to the blanket and start, “Okay. So I left for college right away and you spent the first year here. We both know that we did great then. I came home frequently, and you were able to visit me whenever you wanted. It got hard when you went to Florida. We knew it would be, but I don’t think I realized how much it would bother me to only see you on vacations. I will admit I was miserable. The guys on the football team were always trying to get me to go out, and I didn’t want to. I just wanted to be at home talking to you on the phone. I could tell you were doing better than I was, and I got mad. When I talked to you, it seemed you weren’t struggling at all. Then the guys were all over me about missing the party for celebrating the SEC win, calling me a pussy, telling me that the ‘ball and chain’ had my nuts in her purse for safe keeping. It was too much. I was weak. I figured if we broke up for that year, then the out of sight out of mind mentality would work. God, I am so sorry. It was wrong, and it didn’t work.”
“Tyler, I was not handling it any better than you. I was miserable. I had even talked to my grandparents about transferring to Alabama. I just didn’t know how to tell you because I didn’t want to be that girl who follows her boyfriend and have you not be happy about it. When we came back that weekend I was going to tell you, then you broke up with me. I tried to let you go. I didn’t understand it. I was heartbroken and didn’t even want to go back to school. I swear I have never disrespected my grandmother until that day, when she tried that ‘if you love something, set it free’ bullshit on me. I thought my grandfather was going to skin my tail with the way I yelled at her. She knew I was devastated and did not take it to heart. She let me just cry on her shoulder and throughout all that, they both told me to have faith. They promised we would make it. They had never steered me wrong before, and I just had to believe. I always believed in us, Tyler.”
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 24
