I pick up the single sheet of paper and read the note.
Teryn,
I know you haven’t reached out to Dustin, and I do respect your decision. Only you know the reason behind it. I wanted to let you know that he hasn’t stopped loving you, missing you, and I think you could be his forever. He is struggling and making some changes in his life, but the one constant is you in his heart, in his soul. He may think he is putting his past behind him, but he had you permanently etched on his skin, closest to his heart. As your days get harder there, remember what you have back home. And, I promise, this will always be your home.
I wasn’t sure if I should send you this, but I feel sometimes in the hardest walks of life, we need some guidance to the next walkway, so I hope I am providing that for both of you.
Love,
Brielle
I go back to studying each intricate detail; it is breathtaking. I never knew I would be a tattoo kind of girl, but I love it. The detail, the art, the love shining through the symbolism, then it catches my eye. A single black raven, hidden, yet obvious. Could this be about me? Surely he would not ink his body with a reminder of me. I work through everything it could mean, and it always comes back to me, his raven-haired girl. I reread Brielle’s letter and realize this is about me. Without him knowing, I think he just gave me the strength to get through my therapy tomorrow. I want that moment back that I stole from him, from us. I want to be able to wipe that horrible night away from both of our memories. Just the aftermath was horrible, but I ruined a beautiful moment, and I resolve to change that memory. I turn on the iPod and fall asleep listening to ‘Happy’ by Leona Lewis.
I go through my thought behaviors in the morning, take a walk around the outdoor campus, and then head in to my therapy session. I have been giving myself positive pep talks all day, and I am ready to climb this mountain. I keep telling myself it will only get better from here. Luckily, I have become comfortable with my therapist, Julia, and they did explain that periodically they would switch out to help the patient overcome his or her fears. It won’t happen for a bit with me, and I am fine with that.
“Are you ready to move forward today, Teryn?”
“I am, I just don’t know where to start,” I tell her. I know it isn’t totally honest, but I don’t know how to go to that place in my mind, willingly.
“Let me ask you, what made you decide to get therapy? From what I understand you were against it.”
“I hurt one of the most important people in my life, and I didn’t want to do it again.”
“Why did you hurt him? Did he hurt you in some way?’
“God, no. Dustin would never do that . . . something happened between us, intimately, and I freaked out.”
“Why? Dig deep, Teryn.”
“Because I enjoyed it. I felt safe, loved and something happened in that moment, and then I felt dirty. Sex is not a good thing, men use it against me, and I didn’t want to do that again.”
“Sex isn’t dirty, you have every right to have that aspect of your life fulfilled, if that is what you want.”
“I wanted it in that moment, then I remembered.”
“What did you remember?”
“I can’t do this . . . I just can’t.”
“You can, Teryn. You have to. Not today, but you have to do this.” She is right.
“I was prime age, fourteen, the first time my dad brought his friends home. He hollered for me to come downstairs, and I knew something wasn’t right. He never had people over and never let anyone see me. I remember him leading me to the center of the room and there were three other men sitting around. They formed a circle around me, and my father twirled me for them to look at. He laughed and said, “I know she isn’t much to look at, but it will get the job done. Remember, no visible marks, and no penetration . . . yet.” Then he turned to me and told me to take off my clothes. I heard him, of course, but I didn’t comply right away. I didn’t know what he meant. Then he hit me in the face and told me again to remove my clothes. The act of violence seemed to entice these men, because one of them started to remove his shirt and another one started unzipping his pants. The other sat there just staring at me, salivating. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough because my father shredded my clothes with a knife and ripped them off of me. He then turned to the man who had unzipped his pants and pushed me towards him. The man grabbed my shoulders and pushed me to my knees. He told me to open my mouth and not to bite him. I wasn’t didn’t understanding what he meant, so he grabbed my hair and yanked it hard. When I screamed out, he shoved his penis in my mouth and kept shoving it in over and over. The other man grabbed my hand and wrapped it around him and pumped my hand up and down. The third came up behind me and started fondling me, and when he went to stick his fingers in me, my dad reminded him no penetration, so he continued pinching, slapping and biting me, the whole time rubbing himself on my back. I was gagging, crying, and about to throw up. I did none of that because I know that it would make it worse. Then I see my father walking around the room filming it all. That became a routine at least once a week until I turned sixteen. Most girls get a sweet sixteen party. I didn’t.”
I force myself to stop because I am going to choke on my words. It is the first time I have admitted out loud and to myself that I was violated in that way.
“Teryn, do you need to stop for the day?”
“No, I just need a minute. I can’t go to that place again, replaying it like a horror movie in my mind.”
“Take whatever you need. Draw strength from wherever you need to, but know before I allow you to go on, I have to tell you, none of what happened is your fault. You were a victim; many of my patients hate that word, but it is true. You were abused by people in power, you were too defenseless to defend yourself, but do not mistake that with weakness. Getting through what you did makes you one of the strongest people I have ever encountered.” She hands me a tissue to wipe my face, but it won’t do any good because the tears won’t stop. It is like now that the dam has been broken on my tears and memories, they keep coming with no end in sight.
Julia asks me, “Do you want to talk about what we just discussed or move forward?”
“Can you just ask me questions, and then go from there?” I don’t know if this is proper etiquette in therapy, but I need it to work.
“Sure. First question. Is this why you had a break down after you were intimate with Dustin?”
“Not just what I told you, but other stuff happened. I can’t go in detail today, but when I turned sixteen, things were taken up a notch. I was never allowed to be penetrated vaginally because my father had a big buyer for a virgin. I had to be eighteen, though. It was the worst pain I had ever felt, but eventually I numbed myself to it. Right before I turned eighteen Dustin found me, he saved me.”
“So what made you upset with what you and Dustin shared that night?”
“I enjoyed it.”
“Teryn, that is acceptable. What you and Dustin shared was an intimacy. It was supposed to be different because you both wanted it, you both were feeling something, and sex is supposed to be enjoyed.”
“I felt dirty after. I felt that since I enjoyed it with him, then what those other men did to me couldn’t have been wrong. Sex is associated with pain in my mind, and with Dustin it wasn’t, then I made it that way.”
“What you are feeling is normal, but you need to understand and allow yourself to believe that. Survivors of rape feel this way commonly. It isn’t wrong to enjoy something that used to hurt you in the past. It doesn’t hurt you now because the same circumstances aren’t involved here. You made the choice with him, with those men it was forced on you. Here is where you need to draw on your thought therapy, challenge those thoughts, and know that you are a survivor of sexual violence, but you are entitled to a beautiful life with healthy, enjoyable sex.”
I don’t answer her, and she must notice my disbelief. “You don’t have to believe it today, tomorrow, or next month, but I promise yo
u will believe it one day, and when that day happens, you will be free from a lot of your pain. You are not to blame.”
“There are films of me. I don’t want anyone to see them.” That may be my biggest fear. I don’t want to ever see them, but I damn sure don’t want the ones I know to see me in that situation.
“Let me make a call to the police department in charge of the investigation. You were under eighteen, and it will be considered child pornography, so I am sure your father and his friends won’t want them out, but I will ask if you can have them to destroy if it makes you feel better. If this is part of the investigation, you won’t have access to them, they would be considered evidence.”
“NO! I didn’t tell them what happened, and even if they see the tapes I won’t testify. I can’t tell everyone what happened to me, it is degrading and disgusting. I won’t do it.”
“It may not be up to you, you were a minor. I am sorry, but this is something you need to consider may come out.”
“He will never look at me the same. It can’t come out.”
“Teryn, I presume you are talking about Dustin, and let me tell you if he is half the man you seem to think he is, he won’t look at you the same. He will look at you like you are the bravest, most beautiful woman in the world because of your strength and perseverance. Anyone worth having in your life will not judge you on your past, and if they do, you need to remember they aren’t worth being in your life or your heart.”
She closes the folder and studies me for a minute. “I think you have had enough for today. If you need me, for anything, before we meet again, have the staff page me.”
“Thank you,” I tell her as I file out of her door, my feet feeling like lead, but my brain feeling lighter than it ever has. I am emotionally drained and fall into bed. For once when I wake up it is morning, and I fell asleep easily and never woke with night terrors. I am not naïve to think it is permanent, but thrilled beyond belief that it happened.
I know today will be another full, draining day. I take out the photo Brielle sent and focus on the raven on his shoulder, I tell the photo, “Soon, I will come back to you, and never fly away again . . . if you will have me.”
Chapter 17
Mitch
I just hung up the phone with my old Captain in Florida. It appears a therapist involved in Teryn’s treatment just put in an inquiry about the tapes we found in Brent’s house. I didn’t watch them, but have a pretty good idea what is on them. That is what Teryn told Max and me that day. Without going in to detail, she told us there were tapes of her with men, and they couldn’t get out. She didn’t want anyone to see them. Of course, they were found, and my captain was sitting on them for me, as a favor. It was borderline wrong, but he was just as pissed as the rest of us seeing what Teryn had gone through. It probably helps that he has a seventeen-year-old daughter.
He tells me that the therapist said that Teryn in no way would testify as to the evidence of those tapes, but she wanted to know if the state would because it was considered child pornography, and that would be a federal crime. I have to say I am torn; as much as I want him to pay, and this would nail his coffin shut, I don’t want to see Teryn put through anymore.
We agreed we would put it off for a little longer hoping what we had was enough to hold him, and of course getting a judge who wasn’t in his pocket some way or another. Franklin Parker had enough clout and enough denial clauses that he is out of federal custody. Lucky for me, he hasn’t contacted any of his children. Yes, technically I am one of them, but not in the way they are.
Brent’s house arrest was revoked when Franklin Parker pointed the finger at him. Not through loyalty to his kids, but to save his own ass. Sadly, he won’t go down for anything, but I doubt he will have a political career after this, and maybe that is justice. He is a self-righteous prick, but he didn’t engage in any illegal activities, just poor life choices. Brent will probably do time, but will it be enough that he stays away and quits tormenting my family? With what we have that is being labeled as “immiscible,” the answer is no. Those tapes will tip the scales in our favor, but at what cost? Teryn would be asked to name her other assailants, and I don’t think she is ready for that.
I decide to call a men’s meeting. We all meet at the pool hall, and I retell my conversation and what my thoughts are.
“How hard would it be to get me thrown in jail in Florida, let me kill him in his cell, and then get me back out, with no knowledge?” Tyler asks, and he is dead serious.
“Not very easy, I am afraid. Besides . . . he is in protective custody,” I tell them.
“I almost think it would be worth it. I know you guys would take care of my family. This has to end sometime and soon.” Tyler is honestly thinking of ways to get arrested in Florida. Thank God we all cancelled our Daytona trip. Emotions were running high, and I don’t doubt for a second one of us, or all of us, would have been in jail.
Max speaks up, “What if we don’t use the tape, but just the threat of it. Make a deal with the feds. Surely they would want to protect her if they could. If word gets out that it exists, and he is moved to federal custody, security is more lax there, and I bet he would take a deal instead of risking his buddy’s future. He has friends in high places who will get their hands dirty. That may scare him enough to talk and stay where he is.”
“Great point, Max.” Damn, moments like this I am really proud of my brother.
“Wait, can you get me a name, just one name from the guys on the tape? I may have another plan, and let’s see if it works,” Colby says.
“What is your idea?”
“Nope, you need deniability. Just get me one name.”
I walk outside to make a phone call. About twenty minutes later I have a promise that this conversation would never be spoken of again. I know I am crossing all kinds of lines, but sometimes good people do bad things, and I would like to think that is the situation here.
I walk in and write the name down on a napkin and slide it to Colby. He nods his head, and we all leave separately each pondering how far we would go to make sure he never sees the light of day. I am afraid none of us will set limits on what we will do to protect our family.
Chapter 18
Dustin
Sometimes I just can’t win with my family. I met with the coach and Brielle, weighed all my options, and in the end I chose Stanford. Yes, I explained to Brielle, it was in California. On the other side of the country, not technically, because being in Tennessee we are kind of in the middle, but that was a technicality she was not conceding to. So here we are three weeks before I leave and having the same conversation. This time she has Cambree and Addison involved, and even Colby and Mitch are chiming in. Tyler disappeared with all the kids, Max, and Kayleigh. I asked to go with, and they just laughed at me.
“Dustin, you haven’t been home for six months. Why do you have to leave to go to college?” Brielle asks, trying to be calm, but I have explained this to her a million times in the last week.
“For starters, University of Tennessee doesn’t have men’s soccer, and that is one of the main reasons I am getting into school.”
“What about Notre Dame? That is in Indiana, and I Googled them. They have a pretty decent soccer team.” Colby and his fucking Google addiction.
“I don’t want to go there. All my choices were on the West Coast. I am going. I leave in nineteen days, so either enjoy me while I am here, or I can go early.” I learned pretty early when arguing with them that you must take their options away. Give them two choices, and make it their pick.
“Can I go out with you and help you get settled?” Camy pleads.
“Sure, clear it with your Neanderthal husband, and let me know how he takes it when you suggest you are going out to California for a week. I actually want to be there for that conversation considering when you are out of his sight I am pretty sure he has a GPS tracker on you.” She knows I have her there, no way in hell would he let her go.
“Colby and
I can go,” Mitch says. God bless it, people!
“I would offer to go, but I can’t leave Tyler by himself for longer than a few hours, so I can’t imagine he can take care of the girls on his own.” At least she has no delusions about her husband.
“Guys, I appreciate it, but no. I have to stay in the dorms through training, and then Coach said we would discuss getting an apartment. So for the first few months there is no reason for me to get settled. If I decide to move out, you all can come out, and we can be like the Beverly Hillbillies.”
“That won’t work, we didn’t strike oil,” Brielle says, being a smart ass.
“Okay, semantics, B.”
“Listen to you Cali boy, using big words and all.” I will actually miss her mouth.
“And it started with an S,” Colby chimes in. Holy shit, can I move my flight up?
“Okay, we get it. You are going thousands of miles from home, we will miss you like crazy and worry even more, you will forget to call, leaving us to wonder if you are dead in a ditch, and we will get more wrinkles. Addison will pack on thirty pounds from stress eating, Cambree will let herself go, and you will be living the life.”
“Dramatic much? You forgot to say after the numerous times I decline your call, you will throw the phone and shatter yet another screen. Colby will be at the phone store so much, he will fall in love with the clerk, they will have a sordid affair, and three kids later, you find out.”
Laughter is the best medicine. “Seriously, D. You have to promise to text daily and call a few times a week.”
“Deal. It isn’t the end of the world. I promise I am going to miss you all like crazy. Except you, you just make me crazy, B.”
“Can I get an a-freaking-men,” Colby isn’t getting any tonight, but the chorus of a-freaking-mens is clear as hell around the table. Of course, she flips us all off.
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 62
