He tilts his head, trying to keep his eye on me the whole time. His fingers twitch, beckoning me to come closer. I lean in and press my lips on his. In the darkness his taste is the only thing I cling to. His rugged lips are the only comfort I have now that everything fades away. I won’t let go. I won’t leave him. We’ve been through so much together. Because he loved me so much, he hated me. The deepest feelings can shift from one axis to the other in the blink of an eye. His were ever shifting, always searching for closure. His revenge gave him a goal. By falling for me, his goal had been taken away. And then his new goal became claiming and owning me.
His kisses show me the same. His tongue still dips out to meet mine, despite having little energy to do so. He’s putting everything he has into kissing me. Giving me all he has. All the suffering I was put through was a mistake. I know it was. His regret seeps through every pore, his wantonness for me clearer by the day. He’s always been in love with me.
Like I am in love with him.
Despite what my brain is telling me, my heart has already caved. I wasn’t struck by love; I have always had it in me. He was always there, watching over me, caring for me, desiring me. I felt needed, wanted, sexy, and strong. In his arms I felt like I could handle the world.
Nobody has ever made me feel that way.
This was never about a game. It was a battle already lost. We were just two wounded people trying to find each other again.
I kiss him to take away my worries just for a little while. Salt from my tears seeps into our mouths as I can’t stop craving his lips. I need to feel him, even if it is just temporary. I long for his adoration. I am a slave to his commands. His wishes are my desires. His inflicted pain is my gifted release. With him I am able to let go and be free. Free as a bird. His little bird.
“I want to fly with you,” I say. “Please.” I hold his hand and squeeze it tight.
I don’t want to fall. Not anymore.
But when he starts gasping I know the end is near.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
He can’t die.
I need him.
Time stands still and the realization hits me that I was never free. My heart wasn’t free to begin with. It was already devoted to him from the moment I laid my eyes on him long ago. Even after all the misery he put me through, I still need him. I want him more than anything.
And now he’s slipping away.
“I love you,” I whisper, and then give him another gentle kiss.
As I take my lips off him, my mind goes into survival mode. I feel like I just survived dropping down the Grand Canyon, and find myself having to climb back up a wall covered in needles. X is unmoving, his eyes closed. My heart stops.
From that moment on everything happens in a blur. The sirens of the ambulance and police cars roar as they approach the building. X barely breathes as they lift him onto the stretcher. Policemen run to me and grab my arms, pinning them behind my back. They fish the gun from my pocket and secure it before dragging me off. I ignore them and keep my eyes solely on X. I need to see him one last time. He hasn’t opened his eyes since I last said the words that meant everything but came too late.
It was always too late.
“True love will never end, for it is immortal.” – Clarissa Wild
Chapter 28
Jay
Thursday, September 26th, 2013. 4:48 p.m.
I survived.
I made the choice to live in freedom and now I must accept the consequences.
It was not without a cost.
People know me now. They know I’m the daughter of the politician who was killed by his own blood. I hear their whispers everywhere. The man whose daughter made a sex tape and sent it to the media without shame. The man who raped a hooker and beat her to death. Of course he wasn’t guilty. It was X’s plan all along to ruin him beyond redemption.
Knowing he succeeded makes me smile, even if it cost me my privacy. It was worth it. My father will never be able to make me suffer again.
X was taken to the hospital, and it was the last time I saw him. They won’t let me visit him. They won’t give me any updates. For all I know he could be dead and in the ground by now. There’s no one who cares except me. It hurts. I try not to think about it, but it still crosses my mind every day.
I scrape together a bunch of leaves and focus on the task at hand. I’ve been sentenced to do community service for a few months as punishment for killing my father. At first they thought I murdered him, but when I told them he almost killed me and showed them the bruises, which X conveniently left, they believed it was self-defense. Of course, the bite marks on my father’s body helped with that, and the fact that X shot himself. It was all to protect me.
It’s a brilliant escape. I wish X was there to see me tell them we were both innocent.
I shake my head and sigh. It’s strange thinking about all the things we did. All the people we killed. Nobody knows it was us. I’ve gotten out of this pretty easily. Too bad it didn’t end so well for X.
Sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s still alive. Now, more than ever, do I wish it was true. It might sound selfish, but I don’t want his death on my conscience. The thought that he gave his life for me is too hard to bear.
No matter what he did to me, he stole a piece of my heart and took it with him. Wherever he is, I hope he treasures it.
I sit down on a bench nearby and wipe away the sweat on my forehead. Half the work for today is already done, but I’m not looking forward to the rest. God, I can’t wait until I’m done with this so I’ll finally be free for real. Then I can do whatever the fuck I want. Start that bar in Hawaii and live out my life on the beaches. That’d be nice.
I snort. As if I’d ever have the money. After all this is done, I won’t even have the resume to get a job. Nope, I’ll probably end up in a thrift shop selling granny clothes. Well, at least it’s a decent job compared to what I used to do. Without X bursting into my life I would still be in the whoring business, working for Don at Two Minnies. I’m glad I got out of there. I can start anew here.
A gentle breeze wafts my hair into my face, and as I pluck it away, something is pushed into the palm of my hand. Jolting up, I immediately check who’s responsible. Turning my head, I gaze behind me, but there’s no one in sight. In the distance I see a woman scurrying away.
“Hey!” I yell, but she ignores me. She doesn’t even look back, but it has to have been her; she was walking way too fast. Suspicious. I wonder what she did.
I open the palm of my hand and pick up the small envelope that was stuffed inside. A P.O. Box number is scribbled on the front, but there’s nothing on the back. No mention of who this came from. I gaze around, checking there’s no one looking, before I open it. Inside is something heavy, so I hold it upside down and let it fall out. It’s a key.
What the heck is this for?
As I shake the envelope, a tiny note drops out onto my hand. The words that are written fill me with hope and put my heart at peace.
“I will die, but not today.”
My breathing comes to a halt. X is alive.
“A new beginning is the first step, and each choice is the next toward freedom.” – Clarissa Wild
Epilogue
Jay
Thursday, September 26th, 2013. 5:26 p.m.
My fingers tremble as I put the key in the P.O. box and hold my breath while I open the lock. I gaze inside. A few items lie on the bottom. A postcard, a folded paper note, a bank card, and a passport. I swallow before picking up the passport first. It seems like the least nerve-wracking option. I open it and find my own photograph inside, but not my name. It’s a fake ID, specifically tailored to match my descriptions. Blinking, I try to keep my heart rate steady as I take out the bank card. That too has the fake name on it. There’s a tiny note attached to the card with a code: one nine one four.
My whole body starts shaking when I reach the postcard and take it out. It’s a picture of a beach and a boat, but i
t doesn’t seem to be a professional photo. Instead, it looks like it was taken with your average phone. On the front it says, “Meet you in Galveston, Texas.”
Frowning, I flip it over.
“Find me here.”
Tears spring in my eyes, but I force them away as I tuck the items into my pocket and move on to the next item. The note. I think my heart sinks into my feet.
On the top it says “Do not open until after using the bank account.”
I’m tempted to do it anyway, but then I realize there might be something important I’m missing, which is connected to the bank account. Shit. Making sure there’s nothing left in the locker, I close the door and lock it again before running outside to the nearest ATM. I plug the card in and hurry to type the code. I’m amazed it works. What appears on the screen shocks me.
Millions and millions of dollars registered under this fake name to which I have the ID.
Frozen, I stare at the screen in total silence. This … I have access to all this? This new name … a new identity … a bank account filled with cash. I could start my business in Hawaii and realize my dream.
It feels unreal. Swallowing, I check the screen again. The last registered transactions coming to this account were from a bank account from someone called Azazel.
Frowning, I take a few sips of breath. Who is this? What a strange name. Is this even real? All this money … is it mine?
I look down at the note in my sweaty palms. If I open it, I might find out. My heart is going crazy, however. Just the thought of finding a message from X inside makes me nervous. I guess even after everything that happened I still have feelings for him.
I take the card out of the ATM and tuck it in my pocket. After blowing out a long, drawn-out sigh, I open the note and start reading.
“Jay,
I took a lot of things from you. I did it because I thought I wanted revenge. Like you said, I was blinded by hatred. But after being with you for such a long time, I remember what it was like to feel something other than spite. I remember why I wanted you in the first place. Your desires, your recklessness, your trust, your devotion, your lust, your love. You became my pet, and then my lover, and then my partner in crime. Somewhere along the line I forgot to give you the most important thing in life. Choice.
I did not come to you, because I want you to be able to choose without further influence from me. I want your choice to be honest and truthful. Even though I would like to see you again, what I desire most is for you to be happy, regardless of whether I am too.
I cannot claim your love. I can claim your body, your mind, your soul, but I could never claim your love. The one thing I needed most from you, but could never demand unless given freely.
Which is why I free you of the burden of forgiving me.
In this locker you’ll find everything you need to start anew. Forget who you were, start fresh. Use the money as you see fit. It’s all yours. I guess that’s one thing you can thank your father for. I gave you more than half of what he owned and sent the rest to the organization as a means to pay off his job. They won’t be coming after you anymore. Your life is safe now.
Me? At day I find myself at peace, listening to the sound of the water rippling close to me. At night I dream of your pink, flushed flesh, buried underneath me. If only I could spank that fine ass of yours one more time.
Alas, dreams are dreams. I’m enjoying my time sailing the ocean with my boat. The nurses at the hospital were quite good to me. They patched me up, and I slipped away unseen. It was an easy feat, considering no one knows who I am.
I lost one of my seven lives to that bullet. I don’t intend to lose the rest. So I’ve decided to enjoy what time I have left. I told myself this was what I would do when I retired, so I figured why not start early?
You’re welcome to join me, of course. I have to warn you, though, I am equally as driven to give you pleasure as I am to give you pain. The lust for blood will never disappear, but I know you can handle me now. The monster inside me will never disappear, but you know I love my little bird nonetheless.
Whatever you desire is yours. I wish to make you happy and will give you everything I own. If you return to me, all I have left to give to you is my heart. And a few chains and belts to be naughty with. But you’re free to do as you wish now. I won’t follow you. I won’t hold you back. I won’t tell you what to do. Make your own decision, just like I have made mine. I will wait for you. I have always waited for you.”
The note trembles in my hand as I look around for a second, trying to catch my breath. The sky is clear and full of opportunities. ‘What ifs’ fill my head with hope.
I encourage myself to read on before deciding, but then I realize that one line is all it takes. Everything is clear now.
“Now, little bird, make your choice.”
Life has always been about choices. The path we take cannot be undone. Consequences are a given. Personality is born.
I know who I am. I remember it all.
And so the choice is simple. I knew it all along.
I take off my work outfit and throw it in the bushes, tuck the note into my back pocket, and start walking. The past is behind me, erased from my memory, flown away with the wind. My father and anything bad can no longer hurt me. This is my time. This is my future. What I want is finally in my grasp.
The last words on the note stick with me, because they are precious. It is a secret I will carry with me to the grave and beyond. I am free.
“Forget about X. He no longer exists. I am the man who waits to begin anew, hopefully with you. And now you know my name.
Signed, Azazel.
PS: It’s the truth. I promise you I’m not the devil, although I do consider myself wicked … in a good way. Now you know why I never told you. My parents had a cruel sense of humor.”
###
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Read on for an excerpt of
FIERCE, a new adult romance.
Excerpt of FIERCE
© 2014 Clarissa Wild
Chapter 12
Tug of War
I love sitting under a tree, reading a book. With the warm sun on my face and a light breeze it’s the best thing in the world. Nobody to disturb me or tear me from the pages of my book.
The word ‘my’ makes me gloat. It’s not actually ‘my’ book. It’s the book Hunter gave me yesterday, and it still smells like him. Well, more like his room, but still, anything that reminds me of him makes me giggle.
I twirl my fingers through the grass as I hold onto the book with one hand. I’m lying on the ground on my belly, making sure my clothes don’t get dirty by placing a blanket underneath. When Evie’s still in her classes, I like to spend my time reading and pining over boys I will never have. Gotta do something.
Besides, I don’t have Brody to hang out with anymore.
Even if he wanted to, I’m done with him.
I’ve been forcing myself not to think about him since yesterday. He doesn’t deserve it, and it would only make me cry. I don’t want to cry over something so pathetic.
I should just forget about him.
Suddenly, a shadow is cast over the pages of my novel. The sun is blocked by something … or someone.
As I peer up with furrowed brows, I see it’s Hunter, and my annoyed look turns into a cheerful smile.
My eyes light up the moment I see him. He’s towering above me, wearing ragged pants and a flimsy tank top, which barely covers his broad chest. I gulp at the sight, especially because his black jacket makes him look so tough.
He’s like a motorcycle rider, only he isn’t. He just looks like one.
Hunter goes to his knees and snatches away my book.
“Hey!” I snap. “I was reading that.”
“Yeah, ‘was.’ And now you’re not.” He holds out his other hand. “Get up.”
I grab his hand, and the moment my fingers touch his it sends electrical shocks through my entire body. He’s so strong, he can lift me in one go without my help. My boobs bounce from the way he jerks me up, and I see his eyes flick to them for only a fraction of a second.
I gulp, and a flush spreads across my face as I pull my shirt up higher.
“What’s this for?” I say.
“Time for some training.” He leans forward, grabs the blanket, and folds it up.
Mr. X Page 27
