I continued working him with my tongue and lips and just a faint scrape of teeth, enough to turn pain into pleasure. His heavy balls grew closer to his body and I knew he was close. I flicked my gaze upward; his eyes were hooded and focused on me. I squirmed, wetness gathering in my nether regions. Time to finish him off. I sucked hard. His hips bucked. I hollowed my cheeks. He growled, snarled. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chanted.
I hummed. His hand fisted in my hair as he came and came. I swallowed him down. Usually I spit, but it didn’t occur to me this time. Because this time was different. We were different. I rocked back and regained my feet. Asher was struggling to regain his breath as he stuffed himself back into his pants and redressed.
An arm shot out, wrapping around my waist, pulling me flush against him. He squeezed the breath out of me. I patted his sweaty bicep in an it’s-okay-I-know-I-give-awesome-blowjobs kind of way.
“Fuck, that was amazing,” he said, hugging me close. “You’re amazing.” I leaned into him, kissing the center of his chest. I didn’t even think of my own needs. Such a giver, I was. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I buried my face in Asher’s chest, unwilling to look at him, unwilling to see the sincerity burning in his eyes.
Hands gripped me, forcing me back. Asher’s face was resolute, his features drawn. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He wanted reciprocation. Any indication that I felt the same.
I licked my lips. “Asher…” My lungs filled with something other than air. I found it suddenly hard to breathe. I shook it off. My smile was grim. “We should get back out there. People will be wondering what we’ve been doing…”
“I don’t give a fuck what people think and neither do you,” he spat out.
“Still, I bet Addy is looking for me. I should go find her. Her dad’s been a real pain in the ass lately.” I darted right. Asher did too, blocking my exit. Fast son of a bitch. I averted my eyes to somewhere over his shoulder. I suddenly found the green exit sign above the door fascinating.
“That’s all you got to say to me?” Asher ground out. “I tell you you’re the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to me, and you give me some bullshit about Addy?”
I drew in a deep breath. Nope, didn’t help, my lungs still felt as if something foreign had invaded them—possibly razors, slicing up my insides. My hands balled into fists. “Stop swearing at me. And it’s not bullshit. Addy’s been real stressed lately. She needs me.”
“I need you.” A hand touched my elbow, and I jerked away. Asher put his palms up, in a staying gesture. He swallowed, his eyes darkening. “Christ, you’re as skittish as a stray dog. What happened to you, Lily? Who hurt you?”
I blinked. A tear rolled down my cheek. Huh, I was crying. I could count on one hand the number of times I’d ever cried. The majority being with Asher Price. That should’ve signaled something to me, that our relationship was built to crumble.
“We’re not leaving this room until you tell me what is going on in that pretty head of yours.” He crossed his arms, a silent, imposing sentinel guarding the door.
I gathered myself, tried to rebuild my walls. “There’s nothing going on. I thought we were keeping this simple. We agreed…” My voice wobbled, faltered. Silence. I looked down; I could feel Asher’s stare on the crown of my head. I opened my mouth and my throat closed up. How could I explain? I can’t love you and I hate myself for it.
More silence. Asher was intent on dragging an explanation out of me, kicking and screaming. I sighed. “My parents… they’re not like other people’s parents.” I glanced up. Asher’s lips stayed pinned shut. Nothing. No choice but to turn myself inside out. Let him see how empty I really was. Parents were supposed to fill you with love, a well of it you could draw from. Mine didn’t. I had nothing to give.
“I had a great childhood.” I shook my head. I’d done this for years, made excuses for them. I couldn’t help myself. Ash’s gaze was stark, his face full of pity. I hated that. I didn’t want, didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I drew my shoulders back. “I didn’t want for anything. They paid for nannies. Sometimes I’d have three or four nannies at a time. I was a handful, I guess.” I smiled ruefully.
He stared at me, didn’t even blink.
“Anyway, Dr. Thomas and Dr. Phillips…” My eyes flashed up. “Together but unmarried. Their careers mean a lot to them. I was a surprise. They didn’t mean to get pregnant. One night in the Amazon and too much ayahuasca tea, then there was little old me.” I shrugged, embarrassed by my accidental beginning. This was something Addy and I shared, something that tied us together. We were never meant to be, a trick of fate. I toed the floor with my sandal. I hated the ever-present need to apologize to my parents. I’m sorry you had to hike through the Amazon three months pregnant. I’m sorry I was born one month early. I’m sorry you didn’t like caring for a newborn. “Anyhow, Susanna—”
“Susanna?” Asher’s voice was a rasp.
“My mother.”
“You call your mom by her first name?” he said in much disbelief.
My chin jerked up in the affirmative.
“That’s fucked up,” he breathed out.
I winced. Then I schooled my expressions, oddly offended on my mother’s behalf. Even though it was fucked up. I should be allowed to call my own mother mom. But I was the only one allowed to think that. “She isn’t just a mother.” She’s a feminist like me. Or was I like her? That thought gave me pause. Was I like my mother? Cold? Distant? Unable to form deep ties?
“You’re right, she’s your mother.”
The conversation had veered off track. Time to take back the reins. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. More than you think.”
I scowled at him. “Susanna and Paul. And yes, I call my father by his first name, too. They did everything for me. I had nannies, toys, clothes… I really shouldn’t complain.” Others had it worse than me. Children who fell into the foster-care system for a time, like Addy, for example. I had two parents who provided for me.
“What didn’t they do, Lil?” Asher asked softly.
A few more tears leaked. I smiled. Doubtless I looked as shitty as I felt. “My god, I’m so pathetic.” I swiped at the salty mess on my face with the back of my hands. “It’s just that they never really…” I struggled to find the words. How could I say it out loud? They’d never really been affectionate. They’d never really said they loved me. “We’re not close. It’s hard when they’re always so far away.” I huffed out a breath, done with my explanation, done with the tears. “So that’s it. I’m damaged. I can’t care for you in the way you want.” I’m unlovable. “You should cut ties now while you can.”
Silence. Again.
“So, I’m just going to go.” He still stood in front of the door. But I figured if I approached with enough force and direction, he’d have no choice but to move. Wrong. An inch away from the door, my hand almost closed around the handle and two big arms wrapped around me. Asher drew me in. He rested his cheek on the crown of my head. “I’m sorry your parents are so fucking awful, sweetheart.” My arms swung uselessly at my sides. I was unsure how to handle Asher’s sudden tenderness. He rubbed my back, kissed the top of my head.
A sniffle and I broke again. I wound my arms up his neck and held on tight. I craned my neck and rested my chin on his chest. He peered down at me, blue eyes on fire. “Asher…” I hesitated to find the right words. To say what I felt deep inside. To catch myself from falling too hard for Asher but keep him at the same time. My selfish heart wanted it all. “You mean more to me than anyone, any man ever has.”
In the span of an hour, my life had been irrevocably altered. I didn’t know enough then to be sorry about it. After several kisses and even more sweet words, we found our way back to the bar. Addy had arrived in our absence and stood with Warren a few feet away.
Asher’s heavily lashed lids lifted and his eyes connected with mine. His arms
caged me into the bar. I grinned stupidly while he nibbled on my neck.
“Why are you guys so fucking happy?” Derren grouched. The drummer had a serious case of the grumps since we’d arrived in Ibiza. I don’t know what crawled up his corn hole.
Lix elbowed him. “Ignore him. He wouldn’t know true love if it bit him in the ass.” The manic bassist inhaled noisily. “You guys smell like sex. I hope you don’t plan on having your way with my boy here without making him an honest man.”
Asher pushed Lix. “Fuck off,” he said, but the words didn’t contain any heat.
Asher’s lips descended and crashed into mine. We were making a scene; I didn’t care. All I cared about was keeping Asher close, keeping him mine.
“Attention, fucktards!” a voice yelled. It was Warren. “I have an announcement to make.”
I broke away from Ash. Addy’s boy toy climbed onto a barstool and then the bar. “C’mon up here, baby.”
Addy did her best impression of a deer caught in the headlights. “Warren, no,” she hissed.
He pointed to the space in front of him. “Addy, ass up here. Now.”
Reluctantly she took his hand and joined him on the bar. I tilted my head, regarding them curiously.
“I fucking love you, Addison Wanks. And I want you to marry me.” Warren got down on one knee. “Marry me, baby.”
My mouth dropped open. Addy seriously couldn’t be considering this. Marriage? At our age? The thought of being tied to someone for eternity made my stomach plummet.
“What?” Addy croaked. Her head swiveled and our eyes connected. I gave the slightest shake of my head. No. Don’t do it.
Warren whispered something to Addy, drawing her attention. My bestie bit her lip, nodded, and smiled. “Okay,” she said, then cried. “Yes!” Her new fiancé stood and swung her up in his arms. I wanted to vomit. This had ‘bad idea’ written all over it.
Asher’s arms snaked around me from behind. I could feel the happiness radiating off him. The same sort of smug satisfaction all males shared when they got what they wanted, which was almost always.
“Let’s go back to our room. I need to be alone with you,” he whispered.
I should’ve told him no, not yet. I needed to congratulate Addy. Then try to convince her to rescind her yes. The music resumed. I watched Warren lead Addy onto the dance floor. They twirled around, so into each other, the whole place could’ve gone up in flames and they wouldn’t have noticed. The world blurred and I blinked. Asher took my hand. I walked with him on autopilot.
When we got back to our room, a small suite with an ocean view and all-white linens, Asher turned down the lights. It was a mood lighting kind of night. Then he pulled off my clothing layer by layer. The sex between us was ever changing, one day hot and fast, the next day sweet and easy. This time Ash’s touch was deliberate, almost reverent. He touched, kissed, licked every inch of me, stoking my body to a flame.
“Asher,” I sighed. He was inside me, driving me toward release.
He rained kisses down my neck.
“Please,” I begged.
When it was over, we lay spent, the smell of the ocean filtering in through the open window and past the flimsy drapes. Ibiza had the sweetest smell.
Now
New life goal: make enough money to afford a private jet. I valued experiences more than things, but I could totally get into the superficial life. Buttery, cream leather seats surrounded lacquered mahogany tables. Five cabin zones divided the back area, each with its own bedroom and ensuite bathroom. It even smelled expensive, like cedar and new car. I wouldn’t need a home. I’d live on the tarmac with my sexy boy-toy pilot. We’d jet all over the world eating strawberries and licking champagne off each other’s bodies. Goodness, I had sex on the brain. A three-year dry spell will do that to you. One week back in Asher’s vicinity and all my parts lit up like the Vegas strip.
“I feel fine,” Addy tutted across from me. We’d reached cruising altitude. Upon ascent, Addy had grown nauseous and made excellent use of a brown paper bag provided by the stewardess. Now, Kelly was checking her blood pressure and other vitals. Warren hovered close by.
“Stay still, babe. Let him do his job,” Warren demanded. His agitation had doubled in the last two hours. He crossed his arms and stared down at his wife. The way things were going, the poor woman would be wrapped in cotton before the tour was up.
“You know, there have been lots of studies on women’s ability to endure pain. I read this article once about a pregnant cow—”
“Are you comparing me to a cow?” Addy cut in.
“Of course not. But if I were, you wouldn’t be in bad company. Now may I finish my inspirational story?”
Addy gestured in a you-have-the-floor way.
“Anyway, this cow fell down a two-hundred-and-fifty-foot hill, which normally would have killed the toughest of bulls.” Pause for effect. “Not only did she survive, but the day after she was dug out of the brush and carted away to safety, she gave birth. Pretty amazing right?”
Warren’s face lost all color. Ah, now I remembered why I didn’t make it as a doula. Sometimes I spouted off at the wrong time. Plus, I wasn’t into all the blood and guts. As a feminist, I supported women during childbirth; I understood that women’s minds and bodies were fucking fantastic. Amazing really. But as a real-life human, it terrified me.
“Blood pressure just spiked,” Kelly murmured. “We’ll wait five minutes and take it again.”
Warren shot me a cranky look. He addressed his wife, “Maybe you should go lay down for a while.”
“I napped this afternoon,” she told Warren. He opened his mouth, I imagined to insist. She went on. That was my bestie; she’d have the first and last word. “I’m not laying down, Warren. Get over it. Why don’t you go see what Derren is up to?” Warren’s mouth formed one unhappy line. “That’s not a suggestion.”
“Let me know when you take her blood pressure again,” he told Kelly.
“Will do,” Kelly affirmed.
“That wasn’t helpful,” Addy said.
“Did you see his face?” I asked.
Kelly smothered a smile with his hand.
“I don’t know if he’s going to make it in the delivery room.” Addy sighed, rubbing her gut. Despite the blood-pressure spike that may have indicated otherwise, Addy wasn’t afraid to give birth. Tough as nails, my best friend was. “Still, your story wasn’t helpful.” She jabbed a finger at me. “And neither is your T-shirt.”
I smiled, enjoying myself way too much. Addy’s house had a room stockpiled with Wild Minds gear. I fancied myself a new top. Only there was something wrong with it. It being Asher’s face. No worries, problem solved with a pair of scissors. I’d cut that man out. Now, instead of Asher’s mug emblazoned across the upper part of my breast, a lovely hole showcased my lacy tank underneath.
The stewardess placed a steaming-hot cup of coffee in front of me. I topped it off with five heaping spoons of sugar plus half an inch of creamer.
“Lily.” The disappointment in Addy’s voice stung. “This isn’t you.”
I placed the coffee cup back onto the saucer. “You know, I think I’m going to watch a movie.” I pulled out my phone. I’d downloaded a few films before the flight. I stood. Without a backward glance, I left the main cabin. I passed Asher on my way to the second lounge at the rear of the plane. He’d chosen to drink his dinner in lieu of actual food.
He stared razor blades at me, his gaze lingering on the hole in my T-shirt. I wrapped my arms around myself, a shaking shield. He raised his glass to me, a silent, toxic toast.
“Lush,” I lashed out.
He tossed back the rest of his drink. “Don’t your kind usually scatter when the lights are on?” A roach reference. How clever.
I picked up speed. The space was empty, thank goodness. No one to witness my humiliation, how much Asher had cut me up and hung me out to dry. Addy was right, this wasn’t me. But I couldn’t quite stop my childish behavior.
Asher Price was my Achilles heel. Once upon a time, he brought out the best in me, made the sun shine and all that sappy garbage. Now I was the worst version of myself around him. Petty and bloodthirsty. But I didn’t quite know how to stop. He pushed, and I pushed harder. Someday one of us would go too far.
“Nature’s candy?” A box of raisins appeared beneath my nose. I swatted them away.
Green eyes stared down at me. “Whatcha watching, Crazy?” Lix said.
I slipped big headphones from my ears. “Monster,” I replied.
His face screwed up. “The one about the female serial killer who murdered man-whore truck drivers?”
“That’s the one.”
Lix pursed his lips. “And it’s got you crying?”
I wiped a tear from my cheek. “Yep. Charlize Theron’s performance is a real tear jerker.”
Lix made a pffting sound. He grabbed the screen from my hands and turned it. “Monster looks an awful lot like The Notebook.”
I shrugged. Turned a cheek. I was in a sappy mood, unrequited love and all that. So what? What was happening in the video didn’t have anything to do with what was happening in reality. He set the screen down and sat next to me, extending his long arms along the back of the couch.
“Please, make yourself at home,” I said.
“You’re in a mood.” He played with a lock of my hair. “That’s no way to treat the love of your life.”
I didn’t reply. Really, what was there to say? Sometimes it was best to let Lix go on. He’d tire himself out eventually, kind of like a puppy chasing its own tale.
Bad Rules (A Wild Minds Novel) Page 8
