“Jackson, you know how much I love you,” I said as I turned to face him.
“I don’t, actually.” He tilted his head so he was meeting my gaze head on and the intensity of his stare had me holding my breath.
“You know that—”
“I don’t,” he repeated, firmer this time. “I know you love me as a friend, but what I need to know is whether you care about me as more than a friend.”
My throat was closed off as my mouth opened and shut. I must have looked like a fish on land, floundering to breathe.
His eyes narrowed a bit as he shifted to better face me. “It’s not that difficult of a question, Liv.”
I flinched at his use of my first name. Which was stupid…a lot of people called me Liv, but he didn’t. It sounded way too intimate. Every time he said it I felt a layer of protection slipping away like he was stripping me naked.
His lips pressed together as he studied me, and then his voice grew lower, firmer. “Do you care about me as more than a friend? It’s a yes or no question, Liv.”
“It’s not that simple,” I snapped.
I saw the disappointment in his eyes before they dropped down to my mouth. My lips parted. He was thinking about the kiss. Now I really couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think about that kiss, not right now when our entire friendship hung in the balance.
“I kissed you,” he said.
And there went any chance that I could forego thinking about it. Apparently we were going to talk about it.
Good. Great. Best to just get this over with.
I stiffened, preparing myself for the inevitable.
“I kissed you, and I liked it.”
Oh man, his voice was so low. So…sexy. I shivered despite the stifling heat. “I liked it too.”
“I know.” He didn’t sound smug, just certain. I couldn’t blame him, I hadn’t exactly tried to hide my reaction.
Stupid, stupid Liv. I’d just let myself drown in the sensations as if it was the end of the world and there was no future to think about.
And there wouldn’t be a future, not for us…not if I let this continue.
“I liked it, but it can’t happen again.” The words came out harsher than I’d intended and I dropped my gaze, unable to meet his eyes.
“Why not?”
I kept staring at his hands but I heard him sigh. It was a sad sound and it made me want to curl up against him and weep. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt myself, either. But to let myself go along with this…it would be the height of selfishness, and it would only end up hurting a million times more in the end.
“You are my friend,” I said.
“And I want to be more,” he said.
I glanced up then. Honestly I hadn’t expected him to argue with me, but there was a definite edge to his voice.
“It wouldn’t work,” I said. My own voice was getting quieter as his got louder.
“Why not?”
I gulped. “Because… Because look at you.” I waved a hand in his direction. “You are bound for greatness.”
He frowned. “And?”
I drew in a deep breath. He was not making this any easier. He wouldn’t let go until I spelled it out for him. “You deserve the very best, Jackson.”
“Don’t,” he said, his jaw tight and his voice harsh. “Don’t do that. For months now you’ve been telling me what I deserve, but there’s something you’re not saying.” I blinked as his eyes narrowed into a glare as they moved over my face. “What are you not saying?”
I opened my mouth and shut it again. I didn’t know what he was talking about.
Liar.
“You deserve…” I struggled for the right words, to make him understand. “You deserve more.”
“More than what?” he snapped, shifting in his seat so he was looming over me. I felt his body coil with tension. “More than you?”
“No,” I said reflexively, but then I realized that’s exactly what I meant, that was exactly what I hadn’t been saying for ages now. “Yes.” I said it on a sigh, because I heard exactly how pathetic that sounded. But it didn’t mean it wasn’t the truth.
His brows drew together in confusion and consternation. “Explain.”
I licked my lips and then gasped when I saw Oliver’s gaze follow the movement, his eyes darkening in a way that turned my bones to jelly. He wanted me. He was actually attracted to me.
Shock and joy swept through me so fiercely I almost forgot what we were talking about. For one split second I let myself revel in the absurd reality that this guy found me attractive.
“Why do you think I deserve more than you?” he asked.
His serious tone brought me back to reality with a thud. My heart plummeted as I recalled exactly what we were talking about and why. “Look at you,” I said, my irritation was starting to become obvious if my shrill tone were anything to go by.
He did. My literal friend literally looked down at himself like the problem here might be found in the form of a stain on his crisp white shirt.
“You are bound for greatness,” I said.
He scowled over at me. “You said that already.”
“You’re a freakin’ genius—”
“And you’re smart in an entirely different way,” he interjected.
I blinked. No one had ever called me smart before. I wasn’t stupid, but I was no Oliver. I shook off the compliment. “It’s not just that, it’s…everything.”
“Like what?”
I stared at him for a moment. He was serious. He really needed me to spell this out for him. “You are smart and handsome and wealthy and successful.” I paused for air and his gaze never wavered from mine. He was waiting for me to make a point and I felt a surge of anger that he was making me say it. “You are Prince Charming,” I said, jabbing a finger into his hard bicep. The guy had muscles because that’s just how unfair life could be. “You are Prince freakin’ Charming. You’re handsome and smart and successful and generous and kind and…”
I swallowed. My voice was getting all weird and choked again.
He didn’t reply but his eyes were fixed on me in a way that was unnerving. I looked away and the anger ebbed from my tone. “You are Prince Charming, and everyone knows that Prince Charming doesn’t end up with the ugly stepsister.”
The silence in the car made me want to vomit. I needed him to say something, but I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it if he agreed with me, but I didn’t want him to argue with me either because that would only make this harder.
After a long moment, he finally broke the silence. “That,” he said slowly, “is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”
I whipped my head around so I could face him. He was glaring at me and he looked so ridiculously hot it nearly took my breath away.
“You are not ugly,” he said.
Heat rushed to my cheeks. This was too humiliating. I didn’t want to hear him talk about my looks.
He reached out and one of his fingers traced a cool path down my fiery cheek. “You are beautiful.”
It was the way he said it that had my eyes tearing up with a surge of emotion. He said it like it was a simple fact. Like it was the truth.
I didn’t have it in me to argue, even though I knew he was wrong. I wasn’t trying to win some award for noble sacrifice, and I didn’t have the worst self-esteem of all time either. I didn’t want to sit here and knock myself down. But, at the same time, I needed him to understand.
“I don’t want to lose you.” It slipped out on a wobbly exhale and Oliver’s eyes softened in response.
“I don’t want to lose you, either,” he said. “But I can’t deny what I feel for you anymore.”
I met his stare, uncertain how to respond.
That wasn’t entirely true. A part of me knew exactly how I wanted to respond. I wanted to forget about common sense and rational thought and throw myself into his arms. I wanted to kiss him senseless again and revel
in the feel of his arms around me. I wanted to let myself believe that what he said was true, and not just a mistaken belief on his part.
But I couldn’t do that. Because if it didn’t last, I’d lose him forever. That was not an option. I couldn’t risk what we had. Pain sliced through me like a knife, because I knew what I had to do. “It can’t happen between us, Oliver.”
I’d used his name and he noticed. His nostrils flared and his eyes bore into mine. “You still haven’t given me a good reason why.”
Anger was so much easier to handle than pain. I clung to it as I smacked his arm. “Don’t make me say this. Don’t make me explain.”
“Why not?”
My breathing was growing ragged as an ugly mix of emotions churned inside me. “Because there’s no future in it…in us.”
“Why not?”
I growled. “Ugh, I swear, sometimes talking to you is like dealing with a toddler.”
He leaned forward slightly. “I’m going to keep asking questions until you give me a reasonable answer.”
I pinched my lips together as I struggled for calm. Why was he making this even harder than it had to be? “What answer will satisfy you?” I said. “What do you want me to say?”
He met my gaze evenly. “Tell me you’re not in love with me.”
The words were a slap in the face. I jerked back a bit, blinking rapidly. There wasn’t enough oxygen in this limo because I could barely catch my breath. In love. In love.
Tell me you’re not in love with me.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t say it and the reason why was so obvious I couldn’t avoid it any longer, not when it was staring me in the face.
I loved Oliver. I was in love with Oliver.
Tears started streaming down my face and my view of him was mercifully blurred. I couldn’t stand to look at him right now, not when I was trying desperately to hide my feelings…from both of us.
“Liv…” His hands on my shoulders made me cry that much harder. I shrugged him off.
“Don’t,” I said as I swiped at the tears.
He dropped his hands but when I looked up his gaze was just as intense. He looked like he was studying me just like he studied a hiccup in his programming codes. “I love you, Liv. You have to know that. I’ve always loved you.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to say it back, but to not say it back felt cruel.
It would be a lie of omission. I forced myself to meet his gaze head on. “I love you, too.”
I saw happiness and relief flicker in his eyes and across his face as he let out a long exhale. His shoulders seemed to drop several inches as the tension drained out of him. “Then what is the problem, Liv? Talk to me—” I opened my mouth to reply but he cut me off with a stern look. “And don’t you dare try and tell me that I deserve better than you. There is no one more perfect for me than you.”
Oh swoon.
Oh crap.
I could feel my heart leaping, my body melting, my mind desperately searching for an excuse to say yes—to Oliver, to this crazy idea that we could be a couple, to us.
“I’m not perfect,” I said. “And you deserve—” I clamped my mouth shut when I saw his expression. Fine, he didn’t want to hear about all he deserved? I’d get him to see in another way. “I’m not perfect,” I repeated. “But neither are you.”
His brows hitched up. “I never claimed to be.”
“I know, but what I mean is, you have a fatal flaw when it comes to me. You see only the best—”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes!” I shook my head in frustration. “One day you will wake up and you will realize that you can do better, that I am holding you back.”
“I don’t want better,” he said. “I want you.”
I blinked. Well, at least he was acknowledging that he could do better. I tried to ignore the sting to my ego.
He leaned over slightly. “You were wrong before when you said I think you’re perfect. I know you’re not perfect.”
I swallowed. Awesome. Great. So glad we were both aware of my many defects.
“Right now, for example,” he said. “Right now you are driving me nuts. Your self-esteem needs work, and you tend to be way too pushy.”
I opened my mouth and then shut it quickly as I crossed my arms.
“You’ve always pushed me,” he continued. “You are always pushing me, and normally I love that,” he said, his words coming faster than I’d ever heard before. “You’re always telling me what’s best for me, and most of the time you’re right. But just this once, Liv, let me decide for myself.”
We stared at one another for a long moment before I remembered that I had to be the voice of reason here. “You see?” I said. “That’s exactly my point.”
“What exactly is your point?” he said. “I’m telling you, what is best for me is you.”
I ignored that. “My point is, you don’t know what’s best for you.” My voice came out louder and sharper than I’d intended. “You love me, yes. But I think you’re confusing friend love with something more.”
“I’m not,” he said in a voice that was little more than a growl.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You’ve never dated anyone, you’ve never gotten close to any other girl—”
“Because I’ve only ever wanted you.”
“Because you’ve only ever known me.”
We were shouting now and our breathing was loud and fast in the quiet of the backseat. I swallowed down that surge of hope, that maybe he could convince me. He couldn’t. There was no future in which he and I would ever make sense.
After a long silence that was broken only by our ragged breathing, he spoke in a tone I’d never heard before in all our lives. It was filled with…awe. “You love me.”
The words were a blow to my solar plexus but I couldn’t deny them. Instead I sniffed back the runny nose that always went hand in hand with tears.
“You love me,” he repeated slowly. “And I love you.” He gave me a stern look that would have made me laugh at any other time. Right now it made me want to cry all over again. “We belong together, Liv.”
I shook my head. “Haven’t you heard anything I’ve been saying?”
“I did. I heard that you think my imperfections are perfect, you find my oddities appealing. I heard that against all odds, the most amazing, beautiful, kind, and vivacious woman I've ever met is in love with me.”
My lower lip was trembling but I refused to let his sweet words break me.
“I don’t understand why you think you’re not good enough for me,” he said quietly. “You said it yourself, neither of us is perfect—”
“But—”
“But nothing,” he interrupted sharply. “Neither of us is perfect, but maybe that’s the beauty of it. I think you’re perfect despite your imperfections—because of them. Isn’t that what love is?”
I had no answer to that. Did I love his imperfections? Yes. They were what made him him. Did I love him? Yes. But did that mean I was good for him?
Hardly.
“If we did this,” I said and then stopped to swallow because his intensity made it hard to concentrate. “If we did this, and it didn’t work, we’d be done. Our friendship would never recover.”
“Why do you think it wouldn’t work?”
I ignored that. We’d already been down that road and he wouldn’t want to hear it again. I took one of his hands in mine and willed him to understand. “Oliver, you are all I have in this world aside from my mom.”
His eyes grew so unbearably tender it hurt.
“You are my only friend, and you mean everything to me. I don’t want to risk losing that.”
He let out a long exhale and looked away, out the window as we drove past the high school where all the homecoming dance cars were parked out front. “I don’t understand.”
I frowned at his profile. “You don’t understand that I’d rather keep our friendship than risk losing it? There’s a lot that�
��s changing in your life right now, and I know the temptation to keep me with you is real, but not like this, Oliver. It wouldn’t last.”
“You don’t know that,” he said.
“I know that I’d rather have you in my life as my friend than risk losing you as a boyfriend.”
His eyes moved over my face, reading me like a book. “You’re the courageous one, Liv. You’ve always been the brave one.” He lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug. “I never thought you’d walk away from happiness because you’re afraid.”
His words stung but they also made me even more certain that I’d made the right choice. “You’re right, I’ve always been the strong one, and that’s why I’m making the tough decision…for both of us.”
“Don’t do that.” He shook his head, sadness and disappointment in his eyes making my stomach heave. “Don’t try to make this about me. You’re not trying to save me, you’re trying to protect yourself. You don’t have faith in yourself.”
I couldn’t deny it, because there was some truth there. But it wasn’t the whole truth. “You say I know your imperfections? Well, you’re right. I do. I know your fears,” I said, jabbing a finger into his shoulder. “I know that you’d rather hide out with me here in Harmon than try to make friends in New York. I know you’d rather let your dad answer questions on your behalf with the business, and let the PR guy be your sheild with the press—”
He winced slightly and I didn’t have the heart to continue.
“I’m the safe choice,” I said, the words like glass in my throat. “I’m comfortable and easy to be around. But I can’t…” I swallowed. “I won’t be your safety net. I can’t let you choose me just because it’s easy.”
His eyes widened and I was shocked when he let out a huff of laughter that held zero humor and a whole lot of derision. “Easy? You think this is easy?” He leaned in closer. “Do you really think that falling in love with my best friend is what I would have chosen for myself if I’d had a choice in the matter?”
I had no idea what to say to that so I kept my mouth shut.
He thrust a hand through his hair, mussing the perfect cut. “You say that I want to play it safe, that I’m settling…” His tone held a world of anger that honestly shocked me into more silence. “But Liv, I’m not the one clinging to the way things have been. I’m not the one refusing to change, denying the truth that’s right in front of our faces.”
Tall, Dark, and Nerdy: High School Billionaire #1 Page 12
