by Ford, Mia
The tears fall thick and fast now, I’ve lost all control of myself. “Where is he?” I whimper again. “Where the hell is he, Bryan? I can’t take this anymore. I can’t accept it. I don’t think that he’s… he’s gone…”
“Dead, Savannah. Let’s just be frank about this now. You might start taking this a bit more seriously if we say it for what it is. Peter is dead, he’s gone. There was a funeral and everything. It’s time to move on.”
Dead… gone… funeral… move on… accept it…
No, the words are impossible. I can’t seem to digest them and I don’t think I ever will.
“Here.” Bryan slides me a drink. “This will help you calm down. Drink it and I’ll take you to bed.”
I don’t want to go to bed, sleeping feels a million miles away from me, but I know Bryan’s temperament and it’s just much easier to go along with what he wants. I grab the glass and knock the drink back, sucking it down as if it’s a shot of vodka. It isn’t alcoholic, but it does leave me a little woozy.
“I… I…” I push myself into a standing position, instantly noticing how jellified my legs are. “I need to go to the bathroom, I think. I …” I clutch onto my forehead, wishing I could see a little better. It’s blurry, the whole room is spinning. What the fuck was in that drink? “I think I just need to… to…”
“You need to get to bed, don’t you?” Bryan grips onto my arm to hold me upright. Again, I find myself leaning into him because even when he’s angry, he’s the only rock I have. “I’ll get you to sleep, okay?”
My feet become heavy, I can barely drag them behind me. Bryan lifts me up, carrying every inch of my dead damn weight. I feel sad, pathetic, a damn mess. Now I’ve got to the stage where I can’t even cry anymore.
“We need to have a talk about this, don’t we, Savannah?” he mutters as he drags me along the ground. “This is just getting ridiculous. We’re going to have to do… something about this. I’m getting sick of it.”
I feel sick of it too, but in a very different way. I get the feeling that Bryan just doesn’t like me. My unhappiness is entirely with my life as it is. I can’t switch that off no matter what.
“Peter,” I mutter pitifully. It doesn’t even matter that Bryan’s fingers become tight again. I’m sure I’ll be bruised but I can barely feel it. I wonder if something was in that drink because I feel so weird. “Peter.”
Either Bryan flings me onto the bed or I fall, I’m not quite sure. Either way I end up spread eagle across the sheets. I face plant the pillow and sob into it. Bryan might be my rock but he’s also my hard place and I feel incredibly stuck with him. Much as a minute ago all I wanted was him, now I want to be away from him.
“Savannah, this is going to be the last time I say it to you.” His finger flaps in front of my face. “We will not talk about him anymore. It’s done. It’s over. We are not going to mention him again. Understand?”
I nod and clamp my lips tightly together. It takes a while, he remains in the room, probably fussing about so he can keep an eye on me, but eventually he leaves. While he’s in the same room as me I pretend to sleep but I soon jump up when he’s gone. I get an immediate powerful head rush, once that almost sends me falling back downwards, but I keep as strong as I can to scrabble around to find my cell phone.
“Pippa,” I mumble. “Pippa, I need you right now. Pippa, where are you?”
I don’t normally like to talk to Pippa about my husband, especially if it’s a complaint because she already doesn’t have the highest opinion of him, but today I need to. Today I need to speak to someone who will care.
“Hi, this is Pippa. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now.” I groan loudly because she’s not there. “Please leave your name and number after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
“Pippa, are you at work?” I stammer. “Can you… you speak to me? I know you’re probably working because you always are, but I need some… some help.” I hiccup loudly which is very embarrassing. “Sorry, that probably makes me sound drunk. I’m not drunk at all. I only had one. I just… Bryan is just…” The words start to fall apart because I don’t really know where I’m going with this. “I don’t know. I just miss Peter. That’s all.”
I don’t hang up for a while, I just sit there breathing heavily into the phone like a freak. As a phone call, this is a terrible one. But as a cry for help I suppose it’s effective. Not that Pippa can help me. She’s tried. Over and over again. I can’t be helped, there is no way out of this. It’s a mess.
Once I hang up the phone I still don’t feel satisfied. I need to speak to someone else, but I don’t know who. Because of everything that’s happened, I don’t trust anyone. There isn’t a single name in the contacts list in my cell phone that I can trust. They are all on his side. I gave up everyone in my life a long time ago…
But then my eyes fall on one name. A number that I’ve kept despite the fact that it’s pointless. There’s no way in hell this person will ever want to speak to me again, not after the way we left things. But Peter doesn’t belong to him, he’s a part of my life. My life before. He’s mine.
I mean, of course he isn’t. He never has been and he never will be, but he’s someone I could trust.
The yearning to speak to him is almost overwhelming and because of the booze, plus whatever the hell came with that drink, makes me feel a little braver. I hover my finger over the dial button and actually consider it.
If I do this, I’ll unlock a whole can of worms that I won’t be able to shut…
But I kind of want to do it anyway.
But Bryan will go mad, he’ll lose his shit.
But he loses his shit with me all the time anyway. More and more.
I collapse back onto the pillow and groan loudly. I feel like my head and heart are always in battle, only this time I might actually let the other side of me win out. It’s scary, it’s dangerous, it could cause everything to implode… but considering the way everything is anyway, is that really so bad? Is my life really so amazing that I’m scared to lose it? If I’m honest, I don’t think it ever has been.
“Fuck it,” I mutter while staring at my cell phone screen once more. I narrow my eyes, trying to make my vision straighter. “Why the hell not? Fucking bullshit life anyway, nothing else matters now.”
I don’t give myself a chance to talk out of it, I hit the button and I press the phone to my ear and I listen to the ringing sound. I don’t know where this cray phone call will lead, but I’m diving in my head first.
Why the hell not indeed?
* * *
Jayden
“Where the fuck is your poker face, Jayden?” Tommy slams the cards down on the table and rolls his eyes. “Honestly, I can’t play with you. I can read you like a fucking book. It’s pitiful. It’s like you aren’t trying.”
“Well, you’re going to have to suck it up,” I chuckle. “How the hell else are we going to pass time in the barracks? It’s boring as it is when we don’t have anything to do, never mind you making it worse.”
He sighs loudly. “Do you remember when we decided to join the army? I thought it would be constant action.”
“Yeah, so did I. But it isn’t too bad, is it? There are worse things we could be doing, I suppose.”
I’m not sure what though, for me anyway. It was always going to be this. I haven’t ever had any other dream. Ever since I was a kid all I’ve wanted is to be a soldier. Even when it’s hard or dull, I’m living the dream.
Tommy’s different though. He wanted to be a professional football player, he had it all lined up as well but he gave it up for a woman. He doesn’t ever talk about it much, but he did once confess while drunk. His girlfriend, well, fiancée I think, didn’t want him to be a footballer. She couldn’t hack the idea that he’d get a lot of fame and female attention so she forced him to stop. He gave everything up just to have her cheat on him.
She destroyed him, absolutely wrecked his life which sent him runni
ng to the army to get away from her and the mess she created of his life. I’m glad in the respect that I get to have a best friend here, but it’s sad too.
Sometimes, it’s easy to see why he’s so cynical when it came to romance. Dreams too, but underneath that tough outer shell there is a sweet center to him. He just doesn’t let it out very often.
“Yeah, I guess so. I’m just looking forward to when we can really get our teeth into something.”
“Honestly, Tommy.” I roll my eyes and laugh. “You must be the only person in the world who’s wishing for war. Most people are protesting about it, hoping for world peace, but you want something to go on.”
“Oh, you know what I mean, not like that. I just would prefer to be… useful.”
I suppose I know what he means, there is a sense that we’re sitting on the edge of something, but I don’t mind it. I feel useful just being here. There aren’t many careers which allow people to make a difference just by being there, but this allows for just that. People feel better just knowing that we’re here. I like that, it gives me a sense that I’m a hero. Even just sitting here and playing poker with my best friend. It’s all worthwhile.
“Yeah, well, I guess we could just…”
“Dude, you cell phone is ringing. Can you not hear that?”
“Oh, oops.” I glance at my watch and take note of the time. “Who’s calling me this late?”
“Probably your mommy to check her little snookum is eating properly…”
“Oh my God.” My eyes widen with shock. I actually blink a couple of times to check that I’m not seeing things. But no, nothing changes. I’m seeing the name I haven’t for ten very long years. “It’s Savannah.”
“Savannah?” It takes a couple of moments for Tommy to clock on but I can see the moment that realization crosses his face. “Oh my God, your lost love? The girl you’ve tortured yourself over since eighteen years of age? Do not answer that call. That cannot lead to anything good. You’ll get sucked in all over again.”
I give him a look, knowing that he’s right, but that isn’t enough to stop me. Memories of Savannah’s buttery blond hair, her bright green eyes, her beautiful soft smile are too much for me. Even after all this time I still want her. I want to feel her, to see her, to be able to reach out and touch her… to listen to her voice.
“Hello?” Tommy shakes his head in disgust at me. “Savannah, is that you?”
“Jayden, I… I don’t know if I should have called you but I don’t know what to do anymore.” Instantly I bolt up straighter. She sounds drunk and panicked, I’ve never heard her like this before. She was always so calm and happy before. “I’m scared.”
“You’re scared.” I’m protective of anyone, that’s just a part of me, that’s what drew me to this career, but with Savannah it’s more. It’s always been stronger and I guess a decade doesn’t change that. “Why?”
“He’s gone. He’s gone and people keep telling me he’s dead but he isn’t. He can’t be…”
“He? Who are you talking about?”
“You know who she’s talking about,” Tommy practically yells so I can’t hear what she says. “She’s talking about her husband. The man that she married instead of you like a fucking mug.”
I roll my eyes and shush him. Maybe I shouldn’t have ever told him that tale.
“Savannah, calm down a minute and please tell me what’s going on.”
“I need your help. I need you to come here. You’re the only person I can trust.”
“I can’t just… up and come. I’m in the army. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Please, Jayden, you don’t understand. I’m scared, I’m alone, no one gets it.”
“Just hang up the fucking phone, Jayden,” Tommy cries out again. “Don’t let her mug you off again.”
I press my finger over my ear to block him out. He doesn’t understand, he can’t get it, he only heard a bit of the story. There’s no way he can get why I feel so deeply for Savannah, it’s too intense for me to explain.
“Please, Jayden. I don’t know who else to turn to. You’re the only person. Even after all this… this time…”
“Look, Savannah, you’ve been drinking, so it might be better if we have this conversation sober…”
“I only had one drink. He gave me something. It was in the water. To make me woozy.”
“Gave you what?” I’m on high alert. That’s fucked up. “Who gave you something?”
“Jayden, I never should have married him. It was always you I wanted… it was always… always…”
Her words are something I’ve always wanted her to say, but she never has. Much as I don’t want to hear it now when it’s been so long that I should be over her by now, and when she’s wasted too, it shouldn’t feel as good as it does. I feel fucking pathetic, I almost want to give myself a smack because if it.
“Okay, that’s fine, I understand.” I gulp noisily. “I’ll see what I can do, okay?”
“I didn’t want to get married, and now I’m in this mess. It never should have happened…”
“Savannah, I can’t hear this right now. We shouldn’t do this while you’re… well, whatever is going on with you. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll come to help you and we’ll go from there.”
“You promise that you’ll come? Because I don’t think I can go on if you don’t. I need you.”
“I’ll come. You call me in the morning and I’ll come, okay? It’ll be fine.”
She stays on the other end of the line for a few moments breathing heavily. I should hang up but I don’t, I wait until she does it. Once she’s gone, a black cloud of gloom hangs over my head. I don’t feel right. This is the only bad side of this job. In any other job I could just get up and leave right now, but here I’ll have to wait for permission.
“You are not fucking serious, mate?” Tommy actually looks mad. “You aren’t going to drop everything and run because Pretty Princess Savannah calls you up? What’s wrong with her? More rich girl problems?”
“Don’t, Tommy.” I shake my head. “It isn’t like that. She isn’t like that.”
“I know I don’t know her, but you’ve told me enough for me to understand her character. She was your friend in the first year of college, she led you on so you thought you’d actually have a chance, you fell for it, not seeing that you were just her bit of rough on the side. She wanted you around to make her feel better.”
“Ouch!” I try to make a joke out of it but his words hurt like hell.
“Then, when fucking asshole rich tosser, Bryan fucking Janssen came along with the approval of her father and she ran into his arms instead. She left college, leaving you a fucking pathetic scum bag.”
“Wow. It sounds like you have a real high opinion of me. Pathetic scum bag. Wow.”
“No, it isn’t you that’s the problem. You’re a fucking handsome chap who isn’t a total dick head as well. Why wouldn’t she pick you? Honestly, that prissy bitch has an issue. She’s a fucking nut case.”
“I don’t know. I’m not totally sure what happened back then but she needs me now.”
“Tough. Who the hell cares? Let her deal with her own bullshit.”
“Nah.” I shake my head, “You didn’t hear it. Her tone, she’s freaked out, she’s scared.”
“Scared? About what? Having too much money? Having too nice a life? Fuck that bitch.”
“No, she isn’t like that. Honest. Savanah has always been a good person. She’s not bad…”
“I don’t care about her, I care about you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
I know what he means, I really was destroyed when Bryan came into the picture. I was also a crumbling mess when I told Tommy the tale. Maybe I still was just a little bit. I do still feel like there’s a piece of my heart that belongs to her and it probably always will. That’s why I can’t give myself fully to anyone else.
The last ten years have been very lonely. No one has stuck around for very long. A few months,
sometimes a couple of weeks, often no more than the odd night.
“I know you do and I appreciate it, but I kinda think this is something I need to do.”
“So, you’re going to go to her house and help her, despite the fact that she’s married to someone else? You don’t think it’s going to hurt to see her with another man? Loving him, being his wife, all of that?”
I chew down on my bottom lip to keep my real emotions inside. He’s right, I get it, but I still feel a deep, intense pull. It’s in my chest, tugging at my heart strings, crying out to me.
“I don’t know. I’ll be honest with you, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’ll just wait until morning.”
“Mate, like I said before, you have the shittiest Poker face I’ve ever seen in my life. I already know that you’re headed out to see this bitch as soon as you’re allowed to. You’re a grown ass man who can do whatever the hell you want, but I’m warning you against this. I’m telling you now that it can only lead to trouble.”
I say nothing, we both know he’s right, but I’m just not the sort of person who can turn my back on the past. And while Savannah might only be a small part of my history, she’s been the most dramatic. No one has had an impact on me like she has. Now, I’m thinking about inviting her back in.
Tommy’s right, it’s stupid, but I don’t know what else I can do. Savannah needs me, and I need to be there for her. Even if it kills me, even if all these feelings only get worse, for her I’ll accept anything.
That’s always been the way.
* * *
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Come for Me
