by Ella Fields
When she lifted her head, our eyes connecting again, my breath froze in my lungs at the brief sight of her pain.
Callum said something, and she smiled; a small laugh I couldn’t hear, but would give anything to, left her mouth as she looked back up at him.
My hands clenched around Alexis’s hips, and I barely stopped myself from squeezing them out of frustration. But not before I heard a little moan leave her mouth. Shit.
And still, my gaze remained stuck. Daisy was holding her takeout cup with both hands; those eyes still on Callum even though I knew she was aware of me more than anything else in the small shop.
He just had to look at her, and I wanted to walk over there and tip her damn drink over his fucking head. When he continued to find ways to touch her and make her smile, I wanted to tear his head from his shoulders and use it at practice for the next week.
While I kept her locked in my room where no one else could touch her.
I shook myself out of my violent thoughts. Thoughts that should alarm the hell out of me but felt justified right now; that is, until Alexis looked up at me, batting her lashes.
I couldn’t do this. At that moment, it hit me like a brick to the forehead. I suddenly had no idea why I hadn’t done anything about this messed-up situation already. But when I opened my mouth to say so, Alexis rose onto her toes and tilted my head down to slip her tongue inside it.
Looking over her shoulder before I pulled away, I saw Daisy and Callum walk outside and vanish down the lamp-lit street.
The song ended, Robbo’s voice fading into the quiet chatter that started after another round of raucous applause.
Alexis asked, “Wanna get out of here?” Her teeth nipped at my chin, but my brain was still trying to figure out where Daisy might be and why she’d left with Callum. “It’s been a while, Quinn.”
I cleared my throat. “Lex, I think I … I don’t even know.” I felt flustered, too hot.
Her confused frown had me looking away and more guilt swimming throughout my veins. I walked back over to our table where I finished off my coffee, the guys all getting up to pester Robbo outside the store room.
Alexis followed. “Seriously? This is bullshit.”
“What? You wanted to come here with us.”
“I thought it’d be fun. We need fun, Quinn. But I thought we’d gotten past this already.”
Trying to control my breathing, I put the mug down, staring at her with narrowed eyes. “Past what?”
She rolled her eyes, throwing her arm out to where Daisy had been standing just minutes before. “Daisy. You turn into some kind of zombie whenever you’ve seen her or she’s mentioned.”
I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I decided to try the truth, my shoulders slumping with relief at maybe setting some of this right-side up again. I’d been hanging upside down for too damn long.
I loved Alexis, but this wasn’t fair. It wasn’t the kind of love she deserved. Not when I’d loved someone else since before I even knew what the word meant. “Lex, maybe we should talk about this someplace else.”
She stared at me for another long moment, then her eyes flickered and she picked up her purse. “You know what? I need to call Tina. I told her I’d maybe stop by afterward.”
No. I needed to finally tell her what’d happened, what I’d done, and shook my head. “Wait, but you said …”
“She just broke up with her high school boyfriend and is taking it really hard, okay?” She looped her purse strap over her shoulder and grabbed my chin to lay a quick kiss on my lips. “Love you.”
She walked away, but I wasn’t ready to let this go. I thought she wanted me to be honest. “Lex, wait,” I said, skirting clusters of students as I jogged to the door. “You were right the other day. I think we—”
She held up a hand, a forced smile on her face as she opened the door. “Call me tomorrow. We’ll hang out again, maybe catch a movie and some dinner.”
She didn’t wait for an answer as the door shut behind her, the little bell jangling like a gong inside my head.
I threw my hands into my hair, stepping out of the way for someone to walk inside.
My gut sank, the remnants of coffee souring on my tongue.
“Double dating feels so …”
“Amateur? High school?” Pippa offered as we walked down the main street of Gray Springs toward the arcade.
“Weird. I was going to say weird.” Tucking my hands into my cardigan’s pockets, I looked around.
People here were still pretty social leading into winter. Halloween was right around the corner, so pumpkins, cobwebs, and freaky looking dolls lined a lot of shopfronts and sidewalks.
We were meeting Callum and Toby. Pippa and Toby were now officially seeing each other.
Hence the double date. Pippa had a case of the new boyfriend guilts, it seemed. No matter how many times I told her I was happy for her or that Callum and I were just friends, she ignored me. So here we were.
I still couldn’t bring myself to tell Pippa about the kiss. I didn’t know why. But as each day passed, it almost felt as if it hadn’t really happened, and by voicing it, I’d be making a liar out of myself. Especially after seeing him with Alexis just two nights ago at the Bean Stream.
For the first time in a few weeks, I’d gone home and cried into my pillow. It felt like he’d lifted me from the remains of my sorrow, only to drop me, causing me to sink all over again.
I was stupid to think anything might change after that kiss.
But he said he wasn’t sorry, which terrified me and made me uselessly hope for something I couldn’t have. Yet I wasn’t sorry either, despite feeling like I’d only tortured myself even more by allowing it to happen.
That was the thing about first love. People often said a first love stayed with you long after you met your second, third, or even fourth love.
What they failed to mention was that kind of permanence resonated deeper for some and made it almost impossible to let go. Leaving you to walk the earth feeling as though you were constantly missing a part of yourself.
I thought I’d been trying to let go. And it wasn’t as if I had a say about any of it since I first saw Quinn and Alexis at the start of the semester.
But what if I did have a say?
It didn’t matter, I told myself. Not anymore.
I wasn’t the type to steal something. If it was supposed to be mine, then I’d earn it the right way.
Only, I couldn’t earn him. Couldn’t work my ass off to get the one thing I wanted most.
This thing called love didn’t work like that. It never played fair.
Though it was painfully and humiliatingly obvious now, if he did pick me, I’d probably take him back. I was delusional to ever pretend otherwise, which made me feel disgustingly disappointed in myself, but also oddly at peace for finally admitting the truth.
Callum smiled as we approached—his hands in his black coat pockets and a pair of dark combat boots on his feet. Combined with his gray shirt, perfectly windswept hair, and dark denim jeans, he looked like a walking advertisement for Abercrombie & Fitch.
While Callum looked stylish with a good hint of badass, Toby wore his band t-shirt, ripped jeans, old worn Timberlands, and messy dark hair like he owned the bad boy trophy. He dressed as if he didn’t care, but I wondered if that was really the case.
His smile was radiant, and even my stomach flipped at the sight of all his white teeth and the way his blue eyes glittered under the streetlamp as he watched Pippa. Taking two long strides, he grabbed the sides of her cheeks and tilted her head back. She let out a surprised squeak as his mouth ravaged hers. Right there. Out in the open.
With reddening cheeks, I tucked some hair behind my ear and glanced away. I was happy for her; I really was. Even if it stung to remember how that felt. Having someone look at you like that and touch you like you were made for them. A part of me wanted to get on my hands and knees and beg her to savor every single moment, to cherish it for the
magic it was.
For magic had a way of disappearing, leaving you with an empty illusion of what you thought you once had.
“You look nice,” Callum said, grabbing my hand in both of his. He rubbed his hands over it, warming my cool skin. “Doing okay?”
Smiling up at him, I said, “Yeah. A little embarrassed we’ve been dragged out like this, though.”
“I think they feel sorry for us. It’s best to just humor them,” he whispered, and I laughed. His dark eyes pinned themselves on my face. “But I am glad to see you. I honestly didn’t know if you’d want to hang out with me like this again.”
I didn’t know if I would either. Despite him being just as emotionally unavailable as I was, I liked being around him. And after he’d walked me home the other night, I realized I liked talking to him and felt comfortable with him. “I don’t think there’s any harm in being friends.”
He tucked my arm through his as we followed Toby and Pippa inside the bright, noisy arcade. His warm breath ghosted over my ear, and tingles ignited over my skin. “Friends who kiss?”
Laughing again, I gazed up at him, taking in the handsome lines of his face. “One kiss for every toy you win me.”
Straightening his shoulders as if he was preparing for battle, he said, “Well, come on then, milady. I have a dozen kisses to earn.”
He didn’t get his dozen, and not even an hour later, we’d lost Pippa and Toby by the basketball hoops.
I lined up my next shot, and squinted at the tiny net. The ball flew from my hands toward it, missed, ricocheted off the barrier, and fell between the rows of games. “Damn it.”
Callum used his foot to nudge it out and handed it back to me, laughing.
“Shut it,” I grumbled, taking the ball with a mumbled thank you before trying again. “It’s noisy in here, very distracting.”
“Right.” He nodded.
He was almost doubled over as I missed the hoop each and every time. Then, finally, I scored. By that point, I was too embarrassed to do anything more than shove my glasses up my nose, turn to Callum, and nod with my hands on my hips.
He tried and failed to suck back more laughter, and wisely suggested we move on to something else.
After half an hour of trying, he finally won me a small stuffed frog at a claw machine. My smile must’ve been ridiculous because Callum laughed his ass off as I carefully took it from him and gazed at the little green toy.
I touched its big, beady eyes, then its little legs. “It’s adorable!”
“Not as much as you right now,” he said, voice laced with humor.
Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he held me to his side as we slowly meandered toward the exit. “Where do you think they went?”
“Back to Toby’s. He’s got the place to himself tonight, I think.”
Oh. I tried not to think about what Quinn might be doing. I was quite proud of myself for being able to count the number of times I thought about him in one day on only two hands now.
Before, I needed my feet, a pen, and a piece of paper. Baby steps.
Besides, I could still love him, know I couldn’t have him, and accept it a little easier now.
There was no getting over Quinn Burnell. It was just something I’d live with and hope the hurt continued to lessen as each day passed.
“Have you seen your ex?” I asked Callum, stopping by the exit.
The sigh he let out felt all too familiar. “Seen her, yes; spoken to her, no.”
I bit my lip, my hand reaching out to catch his when his arm dropped from my shoulders. “You still love her?”
He looked at me with a sad tilt to his lips. “It’s complicated.”
“I understand that.”
Grinning, he said, “I suppose you would. Guess we’ve got no choice but to move on, though, right?”
Tilting my head, I stared at him, then down at my frog. “I don’t know all of what she did, but I bet she regrets it.” I touched the frog’s pink mouth. “You’re quite the catch, you know?”
He didn’t say anything, just watched my fingers fidget with the frog. “I guess what I’m saying is, you don’t always have to move on. Sometimes you can go back and try again. Or if not, it’s okay to let it hurt.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” he asked.
“Well, I have no choice. I can’t go back. So you know which one I’ve been doing.”
Lifting his hand, he brushed his fingers over my cheek. “Come here.”
I stepped into him, and he lowered his head to place a kiss on my forehead, whispering, “I won’t take my hard-earned kiss right now because a certain someone is watching. But I’ll come collecting soon enough.”
He moved away, and I spun around, spying Quinn sitting on a bench seat a little ways down the sidewalk. His phone was dangling from his hand, and his eyes were on us. He glanced away when he saw me looking. “What’s he doing over there by himself?”
“No idea. Ready to go?” Callum asked.
I was about to nod and take his outstretched hand, but something made me look back at Quinn, who was looking at us again. “Um, actually. I think I’ll catch a cab.”
Callum looked back and forth between Quinn and me, his eyes narrowed slightly. “You sure?”
Nodding, I tried to give him a reassuring smile. I wasn’t completely sure. In fact, I knew I should just go with him and head home. But I couldn’t.
“You still owe me,” he said, puckering his lips playfully. “Don’t forget.”
I watched him walk off down the street toward his Lexus, then I pivoted, heading over to where Quinn was now fiddling with his phone. “Hey,” I said, taking a seat and wrapping my cardigan around me, my little frog tucked inside it.
“Hi,” he said, not lifting his eyes from his phone, though I could see he wasn’t really doing anything with it. Just staring at an internet page.
“So,” I said, feeling a bit stupid for not going home now. “What has you sitting out here, alone on a cold bench?”
My eyes followed every move he made. The slight fluttering of his lashes as he stared intently at his phone, the hunched, tight shoulders, and his rigid jaw.
After heaving out a long breath, his shoulders drooping, he sat back and tucked his phone into his pocket. “I was hanging out with Alexis.”
Ignoring the sting that resided under layers of skin, I looked around. “Where is she?”
“In the bar down the street. Saw a few of her friends after we got done with dinner and wanted to hang out with them.”
He didn’t sound too disappointed, but something in his voice had me thinking he was irritated about something. “And you didn’t feel like hanging out with them?”
It figured. Quinn was okay hanging out with his friends for a while, but he mostly preferred doing his own thing.
“Nah.” His hands clasped together over his stomach, his thumbs twisting around each other. “Not my scene, but I don’t know. Guess I didn’t feel like going home yet, knowing Toby’s got Pippa over.”
“Ah, yes.” I smirked. “They kind of bailed on us.”
The wind picked up, stirring my hair onto my face. I swiped it back over my shoulder and looked at Quinn. His gaze was fixed on my hair. “Yeah, you and Callum?” I blinked a few times, unsure of what he meant by that. His eyes shuttered briefly as he stuttered out, “Are … are you guys a thing now?”
“Oh,” I breathed. “No, we’re friends, though.”
His nose twitched a little, as did his jaw. “Friends who kiss?” I laughed, loud and with my head thrown back. “What?” he asked, his top lip lifting slightly as he stared at me.
I wiped under my eyes to check for mascara. “Nothing. He said something similar is all.”
He made a grunting noise and looked away. “Sorry, I know I shouldn’t ask. It’s none of my business. It’s just that I saw you leave the café with him Thursday night, too.”
The silence stretched between us. I didn’t know what he expected me to say to that. It was
n’t any of his business, not after he’d had Alexis’s mouth on his, and his hands on her. But I couldn’t lie to myself. It felt good knowing it might be bothering him. “I’m surprised you noticed. You looked like you were kind of busy.” When he didn’t respond, I sighed quietly. “He just walked me home.”
“Home,” he muttered absently.
“Yeah. Speaking of, how’s Spud?” My words were hesitant.
Quinn seemed to be shaking off his thoughts. Giving his attention back to me, he frowned. “Ah, he’s good.” I nodded, my lip between my teeth. He continued, “Giving Mom hell and not doing a damn thing to help Dad.”
My heart warmed. “God, I miss him.”
“Me too.” His shoulders sagged, and I saw it. He didn’t only miss his dog; he missed everything about being home. “Mary had a calf not long ago.”
My eyes widened. “You’re kidding. I remember when she was just a baby herself.”
His sudden smile was radiant, his teeth glowing under the streetlights. “Yeah, she had a bull.”
Pulling out his phone, he opened a picture and passed it over to me. “Oh, my God.” I touched the screen, zooming in on the tiny calf. He was completely black, save for two white splotches. One on his neck and one on his nose. “He’s beautiful.”
I handed it back, and Quinn smiled down at it. “Dad was pissed it was a bull. But he’s turning out to be a real winner. He’s considering showing him at the fair next year.”
Nostalgia and longing wrapped me in its dizzying, cold embrace as I wondered when I might get to go back there again. Home.
“You miss it, don’t you?” he asked, tone quiet and gentle.
Wetness slid down my cheek. It surprised me, and I reached up, removing my glasses to quickly wipe it away when Quinn’s finger beat me to it. We both froze, looking at each other with frightened eyes.
“I should go,” I said a heavy moment later but didn’t move.
His hand dropped onto his lap, and he stood. “How’d you get here?”
“I got a cab with Pippa. I’ll call another one.” Putting my glasses on, I reached for my phone, but his voice stopped me.
