by Neil Zawacki
ideological Belief systems can be easily manipulated to suit your needs. For example, you might become the spokesperson for an ideology so ludicrous it sweeps the planet like a bad haircut. If you know such a philosophy, set yourself up as its head now. If not, create your own. Your ideology can be religious, political, or even personal. The key is to make it irresistible by promising outlandish benefits to believers. However, be careful to make this payoff contingent upon some far-off event, ideally something either extremely unlikely or impossible to verify. Never promise outlandish payoffs immediately, or your ideology will fail faster than you can say flapjacks. Instead, assure believers that they will enjoy untold tax-free riches, immortality, or eternal happiness after the revolution and their painful deaths. To make your ideology extra compelling, devise a horrible punishment for nonbelievers.
mass media This is a fairly new form of world domination, one that has proven to be remarkably effective over the last several decades. Rather than using military might or multinational corporations to take over the world, you can instead employ the insidious power of media and language. To achieve this end, you will want to control every type of information the people receive, and then set up the world in a “bubble” reality. You see, if the public doesn’t know that a particular war is going on, that we don’t really need oil for cars, or that the president is a brain-sucking alien from Dimension X, then no one can get angry about it. Furthermore, if you promote specific world views in the media people watch or read, then the public can be manipulated into a mindset of your choosing. People will think they are free, but in reality, they are slaves, mindless and controlled by the very entertainment they pay to see—world domination for the new millennium.
People will think they are free, but in reality, they are slaves.
Ten Great Things about the End of the World
Plenty of free parking
No more boy bands
Radiation grants cool mutant powers
Boiling seas like hot tubs
Whore of Babylon is a total babe
Get to watch the moon turn to blood
Ravaging demons make commute more interesting
Bio-plagues turn people funny colors
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—party animals!
Heart-to-heart talks with C’thulhu before he eats you
2. Global Destruction
For as long as man has walked the earth he has longed to destroy it. At last, you can be the one that makes it happen!
biblical apocalypse While many evil masterminds eschew religion, the biblical Armageddon is still popular among the hopeful. This classically depicted apocalypse is quite sinister, featuring a collapsing sky, the dead rising from their graves, and cities crumbling to dust. You might wonder about the common allegation that in the end good will triumph over evil, but that probably won’t happen. The real problem with destroying the world by biblical apocalypse is timing. How long will you have to wait for the seas to spew fire? Too long, based on experience. If you’ve got your mind set on cosmic cataclysm, you’ll probably have to do it yourself, or at least get it started. See the earlier section on becoming an avatar for more details.
asteroids from space One rogue asteroid could rocket the planet back to the Ice Age. Death from above is thus another nefarious means of world destruction. Unfortunately it is rather difficult to cause such collisions intentionally. You will need two things to bring about heavenly mayhem: a good-sized asteroid and some sort of tractor beam. The first is easy enough, as they’re practically everywhere. You can even use the moon if you’re so inclined. The second is a bit more difficult, requiring as it does a powerful gravity generator. Although this may seem like a tall order, don’t despair. If you don’t have the greatest evil minds ever born working for you, recruit them immediately and inform them of the task at hand. They will undoubtedly chortle with glee and do everything they can to send an asteroid crashing to earth.
You will need two things: a good-sized asteroid and some sort of tractor beam.
As a high-ranking politician, you’ll enjoy the freedom to indulge your every evil impulse.
3. Widespread Misery
Even to many would-be evil-doers, destroying the world is scary. If it is gone, who will you torment? And yet, controlling the world doesn’t quite appeal either. It sounds like too much work! If that’s how you feel, disseminating misery and grief may be your raison d’être. It’s not about oblivion and it’s not about being in charge. It’s about pain and lots of it.
the great old ones So long as you don’t have any particular destruction in mind, but simply devastation in general, unleashing powerful supernatural forces could be an effective strategy. This option is especially interesting due to the myriad horrors you can summon forth, ranging from Christian devils to Babylonian gods to unpronounceable Enochian demons. Be sure to study the work of H. P. Lovecraft for details on these obscure and unsavory beings from times long past. Certain ones are so mind-boggling that their mere manifestation can cause mass insanity. You’ll find complete recipes for calling up all manner of vile demon in the Necronomicon, which, unfortunately, has been lost for centuries. Listen, if being evil was easy everyone would do it.
politics Perhaps the best way to promote universal suffering is through politics. As a high-ranking politician, you’ll enjoy the freedom to indulge your every evil impulse. Rather than go through the arduous task of building up your own army of thugs, you can use your nation’s existing military forces to do your bidding. Best of all, most top political positions come with an evil lair all set up and ready for occupancy. Crowds will gather to hear you pronounce your evil dictates. Even the political vehicle of choice, the black limousine, suits your dark persona perfectly.
criminal activities Consider taking part in a wide variety of criminal activities. These are the lifeblood of the supervillain, the source of your evil income and personal entertainment. While crimes make you smile, they’ll make everyone else frown. You may worry that you’re only one person, that you can spread only so much misery through a few ill deeds here and there. Don’t think about it that way. Being evil isn’t always about achieving your goal. Sometimes it just means staying on track, practicing your craft, and making progress day by day. Remember to enjoy the journey.
police state Certainly one of the most miserable conditions available, the police state is guaranteed to ensure that everyone you know is filled with despair. Start by taking control of the national government. Install as much automated surveillance equipment as you can afford. If you can’t swing enough cash for actual cameras, spray paint old shoe boxes and milk cartons black and tape them to the ceiling, angling them to focus on workers’ desks, on the entrance to the supermarket, on the houses in which people live, and on any other suitable spot. Dress in a nauseating shade of gray and encourage—or even force—others to do the same. Post signs threatening horrible punishments for undefined acts. Pass laws insisting drapes be drawn at all times and that conversations be spoken in flat, monotone free of any emotion. Outlaw color, song, and dance. Make mime performances mandatory. If things get dull, accuse a colleague of doublespeak but refuse to explain what that means.
soul accumulation Many evil-doers enjoy the sport of soul accumulation. Originally the exclusive purview of the Devil, soul capture is now widely practiced by ordinary evil people thanks to widespread access to the black arts. The most common technique of acquisition is the soul contract, in which you are awarded ownership of the soul in exchange for granting the donor’s desire. Through the black arts, it is also possible to steal souls and to defraud unsuspecting victims of their souls. Though souls do not have any real market value, they are fun to collect and a true symbol of your evil status.
“Superman has morals. He has ethics, he is unrelentingly good. Because of that, I will win.”
—Lex Luthor
Now that you’ve begun an evil career, you need to understand that there are individuals who will to try to stop you
r nefarious deeds. Known as the forces of good, they will arrive time and time again just when you’re ready to unleash your robotic army on an unsuspecting continent.
So just who are these guys? Why do they do the things they do? What could they possibly find wrong with ravaging the earth and inflicting humanity with forty years of darkness? To gain a better understanding of how the opposition thinks, review the following three scenarios.
Scenario #1 You are walking through a city park when you suddenly come upon a young child skipping along, lollipop in hand, singing a merry song. What do you do?
As a member of the forces of good, you don’t steal the candy. That’s right, instead of ripping the lollipop from that little pudgy hand and luxuriating in the inevitable tears, you pat the child on the head and watch protectively as he or she continues down the path.
You suddenly come upon a young child skipping along, lollipop in hand. What do you do?
As a member of the forces of good, you would be the guy in the cape. That’s right, the cape.
Scenario #2 A bank robbery is taking place. Masked men are carrying out sacks of money when suddenly they are forced to stop in their tracks. Some guy in spandex and a cape has appeared and is shouting “Be gone evil-doers!” Which of these people is you?
As a member of the forces of good, you would be the guy in the cape. That’s right, the cape. Not the bank robbers or the criminal mastermind behind them, but the fellow in the tights.
Scenario #3 You have come upon members of an evil cult performing an ancient ritual of magic and sorcery. They are reading from an occult tome and as they chant strange words, a horde of supernatural demons arise to destroy the world. What do you do?
As a member of the forces of good you actually try to stop the ritual. You don’t want to help these supernatural beings promote wanton destruction. Instead, you rush in, disrupt the spell, blow out the candles, and give everyone present a good talking-to about fire danger.
The Good Mentality
Many different qualities make up the good mentality. They vary from person to person, and some are often stronger than others, but in general a member of the forces of good will have at least one of the following character traits. A rare menace of a hero will possess all six.
Conscience (con · shintz) The most common trait among heroes is what’s called a conscience. Because of it, they will obey the law, keep their word, and not even consider enslaving all humanity. Moreover, they will strive to protect the innocent and serve the common good whenever possible, a fact that can be exploited to your benefit. For example, should an unplanned confrontation between you and a hero occur, force the cape-wearing do-gooder to choose between bringing you to justice and saving the city from your doomsday device. They will choose the city every time.
Compassion (cum · pa · shun) Compassion is another typical characteristic of the classic do-gooder. Otherwise known as the selfless desire to help others, this is what makes them care for puppies and help old ladies across the street. Do not even try to comprehend this behavior, and be forewarned that compassionate people also tend to be the most annoying. Expect a lot of “Why do you have to be so bad?” and “People like you make Baby Jesus cry.” Resist such entreaties all you can, as well as their constant attempts to show you the true meaning of Christmas.
Pity (pit · ee) Pity is perhaps a hero’s greatest weakness. The unthinkable will happen and your evil scheme will have gone all wrong. You will be blubbering for mercy, knowing that nothing can save you. Then the hero will stop. Rather than killing you to wipe out the obvious threat you are, the hero will strike a dignified pose and say, “No. I’m not going to kill you. I’m not like you, evil guy!” Instead, the authorities will come to take you away. That’s a relief, of course, because you can always escape their clutches.
Honesty (ahn · es · tee) Heroes always tell the truth no matter what the consequences. This can be useful when it comes to isolating them from their support network, be it superhero friends, sidekicks, or life-saving pets. First, entice your hero by coercion or trickery into a situation or act, ideally involving one of the cardinal sins, that will disappoint the support network. Then, leak the indiscretion to the news media and his close family. The hero by his own nature will be forced to confess, and he will soon find himself abandoned by his legions of adoring fans.
Courage (coor · adj) Heroes have been known to take a bullet for the president, leap into burning buildings, and try to defuse the bomb instead of running for their lives. Why they’re not wiped out already we’ll never know. They also won’t necessarily back down in the face of overwhelming odds, instead standing tall as your minions surround them with pointy weapons. Bravery must always be taken into account when dealing with heroes. Just when you think you’ve got them beat, they’ll suddenly pounce on you shouting, “Not today, Fritz!”
Honor (ah · ner) Members of the forces of good tend to abide by an abstraction called honor. This is a personal code of rules that they base their lives around and follow to the death if need be. Some evil people possess codes of honor as well, though you must do all you can not to fall into this trap. Consider the following example: “You did well, MacGyver! You managed to escape my maze of death! I won’t kill you…this time.” What the hell is that? Kill him for God’s sake! He’s only going to come back next episode and thwart your evil scheme!
Hero Types (and How to Thwart Them)
Your virtuous foes will be easy to recognize because, like evil-doers, they tend to emulate one of a handful of archetypes. Luckily, each has a weakness. If you should ever find yourself in a pickle, facing certain incarceration (or worse) at the hands of a white knight do-gooder, be vigilant and watch for the glimmer of opportunity, remembering the soft spots identified below.
defender of justice The most common hero type is the defender of justice. These are the crime fighters and caped crusaders who uphold the law and try to stop evil in all its forms. Unfortunately, these misguided champions are guaranteed to be a major thorn in your side, thwarting your schemes at every turn, popping up when you least expect them, escaping your best death traps, threatening to send you up the river, and ransacking your lair in all-out brawls with your henchmen. They also like to form entire leagues of heroes, which means you might have to fight a whole team of these spandex-wearing maniacs.
how to thwart them The defenders of justice are perhaps your greatest enemy, so it will behoove you to actively pursue their capture and demise. If you should happen to snare one, for evil god’s sake dispatch them quickly. Even if you long to use your excruciatingly slow hourglass death device, resist the urge. Heroes typically escape this kind of situation.
You might have to fight a whole team of these spandex-wearing maniacs.
This gritty antihero spells nothing but trouble.
angry cool guy Another hero that pops up everywhere these days is the angry cool guy. This gritty antihero spells nothing but trouble and can usually be identified by his leather jacket, thick scar, and three-day growth of beard. Generally known for their antisocial behavior, these cool characters often get into fistfights and barroom brawls for no good reason. Unfortunately, they also tend to do the right thing in the end, despite their contempt for the rules and their “rebel without a cause” attitude. Don’t bother trying to convert them, as nothing brings them more pleasure than giving a villain his due.
how to thwart them Your best bet with the angry cool guy is to look even more gritty and hardcore than he does. Perhaps you are soul mates, he may wonder. Perhaps you too suffered some early loss and isolation that turned you into an angry cool guy and defender of the weak. If you are in luck, he will stride back into the sunset and leave you in evil peace.
vixen Tempting, saucy, and often clad in a ridiculously skimpy costume, the vixen is a serious threat. Above all, avoid close personal contact with these hero types, as they have been known to use their stimulating powers to ensnare many an evil supervillain. Renowned for their low necklines and ra
zor-sharp wit, they aren’t afraid to speak their minds and will often put the more macho heroes in their places. This is their only good quality, however, because they otherwise feel a tremendous need to kick evil ass all over the place. They will smash your crime syndicate and foil your sinister schemes, all without breaking a nail.
how to thwart them If possible, throw the vixen into the path of the angry cool guy or vice versa. There is typically a great deal of sexual tension between these two, and distracting them with each other will give you the time you need to organize your ambush.
silent loner Many an evil-doer has fallen prey to the silent loner. You may be sitting around your lair, minding your own business and plotting nefarious deeds, when suddenly some mysterious stranger rolls into town and starts destroying all you have worked to create. He or she may come in the form of a lone gunslinger, mystical swordsman, or one-man-army out for revenge. Whatever the case, silent loners are nearly unstoppable and will oppose you at every turn. On the plus side, they always travel by themselves, so at least you’ll only have one opponent.
