by Neil Zawacki
Many evil-doers want nothing more than to live in an ancient forest filled with wolves and demons.
Evil-doers who are also supernatural monstrosities might want to consider settling down in an ancient tomb.
ancient tomb Evil-doers who are also supernatural monstrosities might want to consider settling down in an ancient tomb. This choice is especially popular among vampires and mummies, although any form of pure evil should find that an ancient tomb makes an easily converted live-work space. The stone halls and Gothic décor will make you the envy of every angst-ridden teenager, and a coffin or mausoleum is usually available for your personal convenience. You can sleep until the foolish adventurers rouse you from your thousand-year slumber, and then devour not just them but all mankind.
desert island Perfect for the evil-doer in need of a vacation, the desert island is a wonderful place to set up shop. The scenic locale is ideal for relieving stress, while providing an earthly paradise to destroy and despoil. Island natives are usually provided at no extra cost, thus giving you a people to torment, enslave, and rule over like a god. Desert islands are also well suited to the creation of mutant races, so mad scientists take note. If you’ve had it up to here with the hustle and bustle of city life and are dreaming of something new, then you may want to consider this exotic alternative.
If none of these suggestions appeal, you might consider haunting a public venue such as a theater, stadium, or bridge. As you explore your lair options, remember that you don’t have to settle for less than your ideal. If you don’t find what you’re looking for right away, rent an abandoned Victorian house on a weed-covered lot and take your time searching for the perfect evil place.
Evil Henchmen Guide
Unfortunately, most evil-doers cannot accomplish their schemes on their own. There is simply too much to do and too many people to terrorize. To stay on top of your evil plan, you will need to recruit henchmen or mindless slaves to carry out menial tasks. There are as many kinds of evil henchmen as there are evil overlords. Which kind is right for you?
classic thugs The classic thug has been the favored henchman of criminal masterminds for decades. Be they mobsters with itchy trigger fingers or gangs of unwashed ruffians, nothing inspires fear quite like hired thugs. Slow on the uptake, their dull wit will generally see them through simple tasks plainly articulated, such as “Bring me the money” or “Kill them.” A nostalgic choice, thugs evoke simpler days when all you needed to set up evil shop was a waterfront hideout and a good cigar. They’re also a dime a dozen, so they’re an economical choice even if you burn through them like kindling.
mutant race These unholy abominations are perfect for the evil genius who likes messing with God’s creation. Using genetic realignment, create an army of cat people, fish people, alligator people, or even walking tree people, as your needs require. Particularly suited to living on desert islands, these hybrids possess the best of both worlds and tend to be faster, stronger, and just plain better than any human troops could ever hope to be. Be forewarned, however, that they can be rebellious. Manage them with tough love and you should avoid most uprisings. To be extra safe, include a doomsday gene that enables you to wipe them out with the push of a button.
robot warriors If you are looking for an unstoppable army of killing machines unhampered by such weaknesses as mercy and compassion, robot warriors are for you. These metallic automatons will serve you without question, destroying your foes with their ray guns. They also are remarkably resilient, able to take an amazing amount of damage before finally being blown to pieces. A variety of forms are usually available, such as humanoid, tank-shaped, and fifty-story-high monstrosities beyond all comprehension. The only real problem with robot warriors is that they have an unfortunate tendency to rise up and destroy their human masters. Thankfully, most lack the capacity for original thought and can be sufficiently fooled by a silver jumpsuit and digitally altered voice.
Ninjas have style, dash, and more than a little skill in the fighting arts.
ninjas A favorite for good reason, ninjas have style, dash, and more than a little skill in the fighting arts. These masters of assassination will bring death on silent wings, eliminating your enemies and defending your base with ease. They can also be used for spying purposes, with most of them able to become invisible and to scramble up walls like a spider. A true force to be reckoned with, it’s no wonder ninjas have won “Henchmen of the Year” more often than any of their rivals.
Evil-doers might want to consider alien invaders as their henchmen of choice.
alien life forms Evil-doers willing to sell out all humanity might want to consider alien invaders as their henchmen of choice. These off-world entities will rarely hesitate to devour your enemies with relish. They can usually be found in a wide variety of forms, including big-headed “grays,” parasitic face-huggers, and giant slobbering mounds of teeth and claws. These extraplanetary minions are also ideal for abducting your enemies, and will gladly probe them in the most uncomfortable of places. Should you desire allies with a higher intelligence, or just want something with acid for blood, alien life forms should serve you nicely.
demented clowns Children have long known the truth: Clowns are evil. As such, they can make excellent henchmen for all your nightmarish needs. Perfect for terrifying young and old alike, these monstrous fiends relish in hiding under beds and hanging around carnivals after closing time. Being insane, they are capable of performing the vilest acts, including those that make more traditional henchmen balk. With their enormous floppy shoes, deranged laughter, and greasepaint smiles, they can transform the bravest of heroes into a fetal, whimpering ball. If you have trouble recruiting a demented clown, consider a hand puppet, marionette, or ventriloquist’s dummy. Most any talking doll can be turned evil with a little effort.
computer programmers Not available until recently, the computer programmer is a new type of henchman, one that can help you control the information superhighway. Whether you need to hack the strategic defense computer, destroy the economy of Brazil, or just slash an innocent bystander’s credit rating, these tech-savvy individuals are the ones to make it happen. After years at the keyboard, many computer programmers develop additional skills to leverage in support of your evil cause, such as blinding attackers with their sun-starved pallors and sending opposing ninjas reeling with one crack of their frighteningly oversized torsos.
winged monkeys These despicable minions have long served as henchmen for wicked witches, being naturally drawn to anyone in a pointy black hat with green skin. They serve as excellent scouts, scouring the land for young girls who happen to be wearing a pair of ruby red slippers. They can also make sinister soldiers, attacking from above in a fearsome wave of terror. Winged monkeys do have an unfortunate tendency to switch over to the other side, however, in particular when the protagonist has defeated you by throwing a bucket of water over your head. Consider them well for your army of darkness, but watch them carefully.
animal minions These denizens of the animal kingdom are an excellent choice for the evil-doer who has grown disenchanted with humanity. Instead of employing people, why not turn to rats, birds, snakes, feral cats, or whatever strikes your fancy? These purrfect beasts will serve as your eyes and ears in the beginning, then swell to horrific numbers and overrun the landscape later on. They also make great surrogates for the children you never had, inheriting the earth after you wipe out the plague that is humanity. If no one else understands you, animals make great friends.
mean english teachers These sadistic henchmen are perfect for when you want to inflict the greatest amount of pain possible. They are arrogant, humorless, and ridiculously strict, insulting their pupil’s intelligence because they couldn’t become writers themselves. They can extinguish any sense of creativity once held by an individual, as well as transform previously enjoyable literary works into nightmares of horror and confusion. Their monotonous tones are capable of driving even the sanest person to the brink of insanity, us
eful when you are in need of a torture master. Long after a child has grown up and become a hero, the sign of a mean English teacher continues to cause fear and discomfort.
The Mean English Teacher is perfect for when you want to inflict the greatest amount of pain possible.
What the undead lack in speed and agility, they more than make up for in persistence and can-do attitude.
the undead If you are an occult-minded evil-doer with access to the deceased, you’re in a good position to use the undead as your henchmen. Through simple voodoo rituals and access to a town graveyard, you can raise up superpower-sized armies to serve as your fearless minions. The undead require very little maintenance and rarely demand a salary or benefits. What they lack in speed and agility, they more than make up for in persistence and can-do attitude. You won’t hear any sass or whining from the undead! Since their victims are themselves transformed into walking undead, these henchmen are a smart investment that will grow your organization even when you’re busy with other tasks.
corporate cronies Like lawyers, the business crony is great to have around to back you up, whether you’re orchestrating a hostile takeover, practicing insider trading, defrauding the elderly of their savings, implementing gratuitous layoffs, or just engaging in routine blackmail and extortion. Heartless, frigid, and poised under pressure, the only drawback of corporate cronies is that they are prone to mutiny, thanks to their persistent ambition to seize power, even yours. Monitor their activities closely, and ready the pink slips should such the occasion arise.
supernatural creatures Dabblers in the black arts may wish to summon supernatural creatures to assist them in their evil deeds. Choose from gargoyles, demons, shambling creatures from beyond, or any of dozens of variations on the theme of mindless destruction. Notable for their superhuman strength and mystical powers, these monstrosities will serve your every need, provided you agree to help them fulfill their foul appetites. Unless they escape your control and eat you, supernatural creatures are a resource you can’t do without.
Evil Hardware
At this point you may be saying to yourself, “I’ve got the lair, I’ve got the minions, now what?” Gentle evil-doer, this is the best part: choosing your weapons of destruction. If you plan to invent your own weapon, you can get started right away. If you’re not sure what kind of weapon you want to use, peruse this list of favorites for ideas.
doomsday device If your goal is to destroy the world, then this is your weapon of choice. These weapons of mass destruction can be anything from hijacked nuclear bombs to molecular destabilizers to black hole generators. Their effect is fairly unimportant, because the purpose is always the same: complete and utter destruction of all life on Earth. Thus, only evil-doers who have chosen the “destroy the world” objective in their career life plan employ such devices. Use them first to extort heaps of cash from the governments of the world, and then go ahead and activate them after the ransom payment arrives. You are evil, after all, and an unused weapon is a terrible thing indeed.
book of evil What is an insidious occultist without a Book of Evil? These sorcery handbooks are conduits of unbridled power, so make it a priority to obtain one immediately. By mastering the dark within, you gain the ability to cloud men’s minds, command the elements, and bring about terrible curses. You can also use the dark side to summon up demons, which is useful when you need a little mindless destruction. The only real problem with studying your Book of Evil is that weaker minds tend to go insane upon glancing at the contents. The unholy madness within seems to be just too much for some reason, and the weak almost always end up killing themselves. Rest assured that you are more than capable, however, and will succeed where they did not.
What is an insidious occultist without a Book of Evil?
weather machine These amazing contraptions, long used by the evil community, are invaluable for holding small islands hostage. When you threaten to call down the power of a typhoon, the poor people of Naku Naku will have no choice but to hand over all their money and island women. You will find a number of environmental effects to choose from, including storms, thunder, lightning, monsoons, and even tsunamis. You can also use weather machines to attack larger nations, although you are usually confined to the destruction of the smaller coastal cities. Overall, they are a marvelous addition to any evil repertoire and will look impressive dominating the décor of your sinister lair. Just make sure you have enough room for them, as they tend to be really big with lots of levers and switches, pistons and lightning rods.
secret death ray Remarkably devastating and packed with sci-fi flair, secret death rays harness the power of the atom and unleash destruction like the world has never seen. They usually come in two forms: the handheld laser and the gigantic gun-thing. The first type is useful because it’s so handy and portable. Should Flash Gordon try and interfere with your plans again, he will suddenly find himself nothing more than a heap of smoldering ash. The second option is also quite good, mostly in that it allows you to destroy armies, cities, and even planets. You will definitely require an incredibly large base for it though, at least the size of a small moon. Some sort of “Death Asteroid” or something.
grenades Supervillains should look into obtaining as many different types of grenades as possible. These delightful devices add an explosive element to any situation and are superb for localized destruction and quick escapes. You can obtain some flash grenades for stunning the enemy, poison-gas grenades for contaminating the ventilation system, and glue grenades in case you need to stop a tank in its tracks. Note, however, that any of these hand missiles require some degree of throwing skill. Evil-doers plagued by poor athletic ability may wish to practice by throwing rotten eggs at passing vehicles, at least until their aim is of sufficient level.
These hand missiles require some degree of throwing skill.
unholy relics Be sure to add damned and cursed objects to your evil collection. A wide variety exists to choose from, ranging from sacrificial daggers and pagan idols to occult amulets of mystic might. Cursed swords and axes are also common, as are shrunken human heads and monkeys’ paws. You can find most of these foul objects in forgotten tombs, although you may also have luck at an unholy shrine or plagued temple. After you have obtained a damned relic, you may notice your body start to change. Fur may sprout in unusual places, your fingernails may lengthen, and a tentacle or two may form. If you fondle your relic for a week or more without noticing any such changes, you inadvertently may have purchased or raided a holy relic. Discard immediately and bathe vigorously in the nearest certified quagmire.
Make Your Own Unholy Relics!
Most of those ornate relics you dream of possessing were handmade long ago by an evil craftsperson not so different from you. Why not make your own replica and have fun being creative at the same time? Try these ideas:
Aluminum-foil crown of the doomed
Bead-and-wire ring of fire
Soap-dish forbidden voodoo idol
Paper-towel-roll evil scepter
Matchstick amulet of the damned
Spooky-milk-carton votive-candle shade
Be sure to add damned and cursed objects to your evil collection.
Create that new look all the other evil-doers will rave about with a matter transmuter.
matter transmuter If you happen to be a mad scientist or have one in your employ, then you might want to consider obtaining a matter transmuter. These wonderful devices were originally designed as short-range teleporters, but soon became useful for creating half-man monstrosities in the process. By simply shutting a victim inside with a fly, cat, or lizard, you can alter your dupe’s DNA to unleash a scientifically spawned abomination never meant to exist on God’s Earth. This transmogrification can be used as a punishment, to raise an army, to create that new look all the other evil-doers will rave about, or to vanquish a meddlesome hero. Imagine your most hated enemy trapped in a spiderweb screaming “Help me!” in a high-pitched voice. Delicious, isn’t it?
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time machine There is very little you cannot do with a time machine at your disposal. By transporting yourself to a different century or era you can learn valuable secrets, correct personal errors, and cause all manner of temporal mischief. Many evil-doers like trying to change history and will go back eight hundred years to alter some crucial event, or just to last Thursday to fix the botched bank job. Others elect to travel into the future to pick up some advanced technologies or to find out winning lottery numbers. The only real danger with using a time machine is running into a second version of yourself. Being evil, there is only room enough in this world for one of you, and you may have no choice but to destroy yourself.
voodoo doll Another long-standing favorite, the voodoo doll is an excellent tool for malice and revenge. Through the mysteries of sympathetic magic, you can inflict horrific damage upon your enemies from afar, causing pain, impotence, and even death. You can also rip your enemy to shreds by simply placing the doll into a blender and punching frappé—good if you are feeling vengeful but don’t have time for slow torture. Many different forms are available, ranging from the poppets of New England to crude stick figures used to frighten foolish campers. The main requirement is obtaining some bodily aspect of the victim, preferably hair or fingernails. Some evil practitioners find that a course or two at a beauty college gives them the skills they need to open a barbershop or nail salon downtown, thus ensuring a steady supply of potential voodoo victims.
