Will’s stomach turned. He’d belonged to a female Alpha before, but he’d never serviced two related Alphas. Something about it just seemed wrong. “So what? Was he a plant? A test?” It wouldn’t surprise Will for an Alpha to set a Zed up like that. Zeds were all expendable in the eyes of Alphas.
“No, he genuinely cared for Malcolm. In fact, I’d say he loved him. He was a sweet boy. Malcolm adored him. They would sneak off together, and I’d stand watch. I swear Malcolm really believed they’d be able to run away together. You’d never be able to tell it now, but he was a hopeless romantic.”
Will’s mind went to the ballad Malcolm and Kaleana had sung. The words took on new significance. It was surprisingly easy to picture Malcolm as a romantic. “I think he still is, underneath all that ice.”
Kaleana nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I think so too. Anyway, they began something of an affair. He was the only person Malcolm had ever really been intimate with. One day, I was playing lookout, and his father came. I couldn’t warn Malcolm in time. He walked in on them. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Malcolm clearly only had an interest in men, he also has always preferred bottoming. Couple that with the welts on his body and it didn’t paint a pretty picture for his father. It gave him the justification he needed for killing Billy. Striking an Alpha would get any Zed killed.”
“He had to have known.”
“Of course he did. There was no doubt that Billy had been acting per Malcolm’s instructions. His father wanted to teach him a lesson.”
“How could he go on living with that man?”
“Oh, he didn’t. Right after Billy was killed, he left, and I went with him. He knew if he didn’t take me, I’d be disposed of. I suppose, in a way, I was his first rescue. He thinks I stayed with him out of fear of punishment for not succeeding in seducing him, but the reality of the situation is that I could never leave him. He never wore a contact again, and he never spoke of his family. It was as if he died and was born into a different life.”
“How did he survive? What does a homeless Alpha even do?”
“He was seventeen by that time, and he’s always been smart. No, smart’s not the right word. He’s a genius in his own way. He formed a business partnership with another Alpha. His government stipend was enough to support us both for the short time in between.” Of course, it wasn’t enough that Alphas had all the advantages in business. They also got government benefits that ensured they’d always be taken care of no matter how imbecilic or lazy they were. “He knew what business he wanted to be in, walked right in, and demanded a meeting with the owner. He bluffed his way through the entire thing and walked out a partner. Eventually he bought out the owner—he was the type of Alpha who was more interested in leisure than work—bought this compound, and you know the rest.”
No, he didn’t, but Will supposed that was a good starting place. At least now he had confirmation that Kaleana must know what the business operations were. There’s no way Malcolm could keep it from her when it was just the two of them starting out. There was a little bit of comfort in that. He didn’t know Kaleana well, but he had a feeling that if it were anything horrible, she’d indicate it somehow. She didn’t seem the type to abide anything untoward.
“He liked pain even before Billy?”
“Oh yes. Always. It was the only way we had any kind of successful sex.”
“And his father didn’t mind? You said he spied on him.”
“No, it wasn’t the beating that really bothered him with Billy. It was the fact that Billy was Billy and that he took a dominant role. The beating coupled with topping put him over the edge.”
“Were the beatings always sexual?”
“No. It’s always been a way for Malcolm to access his feelings. Oftentimes it culminates in sex, but not always.”
“See, that’s what puzzles me. It hasn’t seemed to be about sex either time. The first time, he seemed mortified that I assumed and gave him a blow job.”
“Lately, ever since he got you, he’s been different. It doesn’t surprise me. You have to understand that he’s a whole mess of emotion right now, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. If we let him, he’ll go on working as if nothing’s wrong until, one day, his mind breaks.”
That sounded exactly like something Malcolm would do. “He’s carrying a lot of guilt over this. I’m willing to beat him to give him pleasure, but I’ll not beat a man for crimes he didn’t commit. How can I get him past this?”
“By pushing through it. He’s had bouts like this before. Something happens to remind him of Billy, and he rehashes the whole thing. His needs are always different during these times. It’s not just about pleasure. It’s about release. He needs to hurt on the outside as badly as he does on the inside. Once you take him there, he’ll break and let it all out. It’s brutal, and the most difficult thing I’ve had to do, but it’s always worth it in the end. He’s a different man afterward. Absolved.”
“But how can I get him to that point? I went further than I should have already.”
“Did you leave bruises?”
“There were red welts that turned to bruises.”
“If he wasn’t purple when you left him, you didn’t go too far. Not even close. He likes the bruising under normal circumstances. In cases like this, he needs it. If you’re not comfortable with it, you can try consoling yourself with the fact that if you give it to him now, you won’t have to again. He’ll get his pleasure without the bruises, but not absolution. Do it, push him there, and he’ll break.”
“So he really won’t get past this without that?”
“He never has before. You don’t have to be the one to do it. I can.”
“No. I want to. I owe it to him.”
Kaleana cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. “He’s gotten to you, hasn’t he?”
Heat flooded Will’s face. “Maybe. He’s interesting is all.”
“Sure.”
Will brushed past her comment. “Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Don’t be afraid to hit him on the upper back. He says it’s a different kind of pain. That part of the body can’t handle as much abuse, though, so you’ll have to be careful. Keep it in mind if he doesn’t get there from his backside alone, and you need other options. Go in hard and fast, and don’t let up until it’s done. When he wants it for pleasure, he likes you to pause, give each stroke a chance to sink in. Don’t. If you do, he’ll get caught in a cycle of pleasure, and the opportunity will be lost. I’ve had to learn that one the hard way.”
Looking back, Will didn’t think he’d gone too slowly, but he could see now that he hadn’t used enough strength to get Malcolm where he needed to be. He couldn’t reconcile the force required with the feelings he had for Malcolm. Perhaps if he went faster, he wouldn’t have to add as much strength. It’d be a balancing act to hit him hard enough without letting anger control his actions. He wouldn’t let himself hit Malcolm in anger.
“I would have thought this would have been taken care of your first time with him. You seemed like you would have let loose. That’s why I didn’t tell you all this before.”
“I lost control that first time, but I realized my mistake. I won’t let my anger overcome me again. I can’t, especially not with this new knowledge.”
“Good. I know it’s unpleasant, but it’ll work. You’re already having an effect on him. Maybe this’ll be the last time he has to do this.”
“Really? I thought you said this happens from time to time.”
“It does.”
“So what’s changed?”
“You. I’ve always thought if he could just get close to someone and not have it end so horrifically, he’d get over it.”
Will saw the sense in that, but he was under enough pressure already. Nothing would make him happier than for Malcolm to permanently be free of this guilt, or at least be able to manage it in a way that didn’t involve a beating, but he needed to get through this one first. One day at a time
.
23
Twenty-Three
“Thanks for giving Kaleana permission to be so open with me. I know you must hate the thought of us talking about you.” Will sat in Malcolm’s room with him after dinner. The chat with Kaleana had been enlightening. He realized he really hadn’t gotten anywhere near Malcolm’s limits. At least it proved to him that he wasn’t a brutal man. Beating another human being didn’t come naturally.
“You have a right to. I can’t complain.”
“That’s really the motto of your life, isn’t it? I have a house full of Zeds worse off than me, so I can’t complain. The Beta women working for me have had their children torn from them and turned into Zeds. I can’t complain. Doesn’t matter how deeply I hurt, I can’t complain because, look, others suffer more.”
“It’s true.”
“No, it’s not. They’re not suffering more, they’re suffering too. That’s all. I think a part of you knows it. That’s why you surround yourself with all of us.”
“Misery loves company?”
“No. You’d take every bit of misery we’ve all had and bear it yourself if you could. You’ve already made sure none of us will ever be miserable again, but suffering’s made easier by knowing you’re not alone in it. Only, you’ve never really let anyone close enough to manage your suffering.”
“I’d hardly call it that.”
“Yeah, well, your brain’s so twisted you don’t even know how to decipher it. Ask any of the other Zeds here, and they’ll tell you that’s the greatest thing you ever gave them.”
Malcolm raised his eyebrows. “My twisted mind?”
“No, a place where they could freely be around others who have suffered—people who understand. It’s hard to believe you’ll ever make it through, but it’s also hard to deny the possibility that everything could finally work out when you’re confronted by men who have been through the fire and come out the other side. It’s time you start taking advantage of the same gift.”
“I doubt any of you have killed a man.”
“No, but neither have you. Which brings us to tonight. I’m prepared to do it, but I want to be clear: I don’t think you deserve this. I know I won’t be able to convince you of that. I don’t expect you to realize it. I hope, once we’re done, you will. According to Kaleana, this isn’t the first time, but I hope with everything in me that it’s the last, because in the future, you’re not going to let it get this bad. You’re going to open your mouth and use your words, let people help you, either me or Kaleana or someone else you choose to bring in. But you can’t keep abusing yourself like this. I’m going through with it only because I think you’re too far gone for anything else to make sense to you, but I’m not going to do it again. After tonight, I’ll only ever beat you for your pleasure. Do you understand? Those are my terms.”
Malcolm gave a curt nod. “I understand.”
“All right. Do you want to do this tonight, or do you need some time to get your thoughts together?” The gel would have taken care of the marks.
“Tonight.”
Fluttering waves of nerves flooded Will’s stomach even as his heart relaxed in relief. He wanted this over with as soon as possible. “What belt do you want me to use?”
Malcolm removed the belt he was wearing and handed it over. It was thin and whippy. At least he’d be able to get more strokes in without having to overlap. Without speaking, Malcolm stripped off his clothing and positioned himself over the side of the bed.
“Move closer to the foot of the bed, please.” He thought it’d make it easier to strike Malcolm’s back if it came to that.
Malcolm did as Will requested and settled down with his face turned toward Will. Will took a deep breath, folding the belt and resisting the urge to wipe his palms on his pants. He didn’t want Malcolm seeing his nerves. There was something about holding another person’s well-being in his hands that was unlike anything he’d ever felt. He caught a glimpse of the crushing responsibility Malcolm must live under every day. Will assumed responsibility for Malcolm for short periods of time. Malcolm bore the lives of eight Zeds and countless Betas constantly. Will’d never met an Alpha with such a keen sense of duty.
Will placed a hand on the small of Malcolm’s back. “Prepare yourself. I’m not going to ease into it. We’re taking care of this tonight. Let me know when you’ve reached the place you need to be. Anything you need, ask. I’m doing this for you. If there is something you’d like me to change or do differently, speak up.”
Malcolm nodded.
“I love you.” He said it without thinking. They were the words Malcolm needed to hear, but Will wasn't entirely convinced that was the only reason he said them. It wasn’t a lie, but Will was happy leaving the nature of that love ambiguous. Malcolm didn’t give any indication that he’d heard him, which Will appreciated. He didn’t know how he’d respond.
A step back. A deep breath. A raised arm. Once he began, there would be no turning back, no stopping until it was done. He released his breath and with it his arm, striking hard and fast, again and again. He watched Malcolm’s reddening skin and his face, hyper-vigilant for any signs of distress. The desire to stop, to tell Malcolm this was ridiculous, to make sure he understood that he didn’t deserve this, overwhelmed him, but he couldn’t. Any pause in the action would only worsen the situation, perhaps irrevocably.
Most of all, Will wanted to stop because the anger boiled up inside him, pushing into his arms, battling for control of the belt. If he wasn’t careful, he’d have to stop. He wouldn’t continue for a second longer if he thought he might lose his own battle. The only thing that kept it at bay was the knowledge that the man in front of him was not the one he was mad at. He couldn’t be. He was a victim like the rest of them.
Will pushed the anger back, refusing to cede control to it. Instead, he let his pent-up thoughts flow through his mind, acknowledging them as he denied them power. He hated Malcolm’s father for what he had done to necessitate this. He hated Alphas for their blatant disregard for Zeds. He even hated the Betas for not doing more. He hated the system that trapped them all, the world that created such a system. As the beating continued, burning fire in his arm, Will’s anger reached back and even hated those ancient human ancestors who had caused the Great Destruction.
Malcolm’s cries drowned the sound of leather on flesh, but still, it wasn’t enough. Will wasn’t entirely sure what he waited for, but he knew he’d recognize it when he saw it. There would be some sign from Malcolm, some change in his body. Will adjusted his aim and pressure, targeting the upper back. Malcolm’s cries altered, carrying more surprise and a higher pitch. He vowed that after this, he’d only elicit moans of pleasure. It would be easy to pity Malcolm, but Will knew Malcolm would be mortified to discover Will held such an opinion of him. No, pity wasn’t right. Compassion, protectiveness, loyalty—those fit much better.
His arm found a new rhythm. It ached, begging for respite, but he worried that even pausing to switch arms would take them backward. Besides, he wouldn’t be as precise with his left hand. The angle needed to reach Malcolm’s upper back required that he shift his weight which had settled firmly on his right leg. The adjustment sent waves of pain through his stiff left leg, kindling his anger once again. The hatred raced around inside him, searching for any target to lash out at. He hated the accident that had mutilated his leg. He hated the horse that had fallen on him. He hated the Alpha who hadn’t cared enough to keep him. He hated the back room at Emporium, and most of all he hated the certainty of death that had settled on him there. No man should ever have to feel such things.
Malcolm began to move away from the belt. He hadn’t remained perfectly still—that would be nearly impossible—but the only movement had been in his extremities, an outlet for the pain that shot out from his torso. His chest had always remained firmly on the bed. The man’s control was more than Will could fathom. This new movement gave Will hope that they were near the end. Malcolm began to scramble up th
e bed and then catch himself before he could really move from the trajectory of the belt. This had to be a sign. It had to be. If he moved much more, Will would have to stop to avoid hitting him someplace unintentional.
Swallowing the disgust at what he had to do, Will applied more pressure, going beyond what he’d been comfortable with up until this point. If he was right, it would pay off, and this could end. Sweat trickled from his hairline into his eyes, but he refused to wipe it away. The sting was nothing when he inflicted so much pain. He couldn’t sacrifice his rhythm, the buildup, to wipe it away. A little more. Malcolm flailed in a way Will had never seen, had never even imagined the stoic man capable of. Just a little more. It had to be only a little more—anything else and he’d have to stop if he was going to keep his word to himself to not endanger Malcolm. A little more…
“Billy!” The desperate, strangled cry rent the air.
The belt buckle clanked as it hit the floor. Will’s leg protested his rapid movement to the bed. He didn’t dare move Malcolm or touch his body, but he did position himself in the middle of the bed, offering his thigh as a pillow for Malcolm’s sweat-drenched head. Will brushed the hair from Malcolm’s eyes as he sobbed.
Will had seen many disturbing things in his life. He’d been ordered to do many of them. Yet, there was something profoundly wrong about the sight of Malcolm sobbing. This strong, proud man who valued the control he exercised over every facet of his life, who was the protector of everyone in his care, who Will knew would sacrifice himself in a heartbeat if it would benefit someone he loved—this man shouldn’t be sobbing. His raw wails shouldn’t pierce Will’s heart. The black despair and shame that darkened his usually cool eyes were wrong. Will knew then that it hadn’t been the pain Malcolm needed. It was only a catalyst to this moment, to set free all the suppressed turmoil that brewed so far beneath the surface that the only way to draw it out was to weaken the physical body holding it in. Will stroked his hair, not saying a word, letting Malcolm have this moment.
[In Distress 01.0] In Distress Page 17
