“I could never forgive myself if anything happened to him. I’ve never been so scared in my life as when I contemplate what would happen to him if anyone found out he knew. He drove away the images of Billy that plagued me for so long. I don’t think anyone can rid me of the images of what could happen to Will because of me.”
“Then you really haven’t learned anything. That man’s been with you all this time, and not a single thing he’s said has sunk in. Fine. If you didn’t respect him enough to listen to him, nothing I say will make a difference. But I want to make it perfectly clear that you’re not a martyr here, Malcolm. I know you well enough to know you see yourself as self-sacrificing for the good of the man you love. It’s a lie. You’re nothing but a coward turning your back on the man who loves you. You’re hurting him more than anyone in his life ever has.”
“I doubt that.”
“Doubt it all you want; it’s true. You, more than most, should understand that physical pain pales in comparison to emotional. If you continue with this, you’ll ruin him, more than the Geneticists ever could if they got their hands on him. He’ll hate you, and when that burns out, he’ll hate himself for trusting you.”
“Syrus and the others won’t let him hate himself.”
“Just like they convinced him to let down his guard and make a home here?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Kaleana.” At this point, he’d say it if only to have her leave him in peace.
“I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to fix what you’ve broken and show a little respect for the man who managed to fight past your defenses. I’ve known you longer than anyone, Malcolm. I’ve stood with you for over two decades. Today’s the first time I’ve ever been ashamed to belong to you.” She looked him in the eye without blinking and then left.
She might as well have stabbed him. He’d expected the verbal lashing from her, but he hadn’t expected to lose her.
The air sizzled with leftover tension. He couldn’t stay in this room. He headed to the loft as he’d planned, but he stopped before reaching the closet. There were too many memories with Will there. Instead, he opted for the ballroom. Perhaps playing the piano could take his mind off the rapidly deteriorating state of his life.
One song morphed into the next, draining some of the tension from his body. But no amount of music could drown out Kaleana’s voice echoing in his head. No matter what she said, he couldn’t help feeling that drawing Will into this would be the most selfish thing he’d ever done. He could handle Will hating him. He could survive without his love. He’d done it before. But could Will survive without his? Of course. He had a house full of people who adored him. There’d be no shortage of love in his life.
That was different.
Of course it was, but he needed some rationalization, some justification for his decision.
He’d trusted Will with everything: his body, his mind, his soul. At any time, Will could have destroyed him. It would have been so easy. That was why he’d been able to trust Will, because the only danger was to himself. But was it really trust if it wasn’t absolute? Was there such a thing as conditional trust? Didn’t that invalidate it all together?
Trust wasn’t the problem. It never had been. Telling Will about his more clandestine activities would endanger him, period. Will hurt now, but at least he was alive. The boys would help him mend. He’d get over it.
But who would help Malcolm mend?
Malcolm stared into a dark and lonely future. He’d lost the only man who had ever really loved him, had really known him. The rift with Kaleana would probably heal in time, but he’d lost her respect, and he knew he’d never earn it back if he didn’t tell Will the truth. He didn’t care. It wasn’t worth endangering Will’s life to have Kaleana’s respect.
So that was it, then. He’d just have to immerse himself in his work. If he could succeed, it’d be worth all the lonely years stretching in front of him. It had to be.
He laid his head on the keys and sobbed. The dissonant chord rang more true to him than the beautiful melodies he’d been playing.
40
Forty
After reading every message Malcolm and Oculus had ever exchanged, Will sat on his bed stunned. Malcolm had been hiding the truth from him, only it had been a very different truth. It all fell into place. He would have never guessed it, but now that he knew, he felt foolish for not realizing it sooner. He had to talk to Malcolm. Another minute couldn’t pass without them resolving this. Energy suffused his entire body. All thoughts of the previous night vanished.
Will burst into Malcolm’s room only to find it empty. He had thought he heard the piano earlier, though it was silent now. Malcolm was probably still in the ballroom. He nearly tripped on the stairs in his hurry to get to him. When he burst into the ballroom, Malcolm stood from the piano bench and turned away. Will saw him swipe at his cheeks before he faced him. His bloodshot eyes wore their icy armor. The fact that he didn’t speak confirmed he didn’t have control over his voice.
Will refrained from coming any closer. He wanted to explain himself very clearly before he gave in to the desire to hug Malcolm to him. “You’re an interesting man. I should have known. I did, but the habit of hating all Alphas is so strong that it leapt at the chance to hate you. I had the perfect reason. You had lulled me into loving you only to betray me. And you didn’t just betray me, you betrayed my entire caste. It’s one thing to betray someone you love, it’s another to condemn an entire caste of people to this life.”
The despair in Malcolm’s eyes flashed for a moment before he closed them, hiding himself away from whatever awaited him.
“Open your eyes, Malcolm. I deserve to have you look me in the eye when I speak to you. I’ve earned that much.”
Malcolm obliged, even though Will could see the hurt it caused him. It’d be gone soon. If anything, it was more proof that Will had been right about him. If Malcolm was really the Alpha he had tried to make Will believe he was, he would have ended this conversation before now.
“The problem with all of this is that I couldn’t encase my heart in ice as easily as you seem to. So I dug. I kept researching. I had to see exactly what you’d done. Turns out, you’ve done more than I could have ever imagined.” Will handed his tablet to Malcolm. The open messages with Oculus filled the screen.
Malcolm’s eyes widened when he saw the tab. He looked stricken, as if Will had just slapped him.
“Perhaps we should go to your room where there’s no risk of being overheard.” Will turned and left, confident Malcolm would follow. He didn’t say anything else until they were both seated in Malcolm’s room.
“You can imagine my surprise when I went looking for the Geneticists’ ally and instead found their traitor.”
Somewhere between the ballroom and here, Malcolm’s guard had risen back to its usual chilly level. “How did you get this?”
“I decided I needed to see more of what was really going on, so I logged on to your computer while you were away today. Your password isn’t exactly hard to crack.”
Malcolm shifted in his seat, as if embarrassed at this revelation of his sentimentality.
“After that, the rest was easy. I don’t know how you managed to hack Geneticist Walken’s system, but it’s an impressive grab. It’ll take months to sort through all that. Seems pretty coincidental that the population data I’d been wondering about was up on your computer yesterday.”
“After you pointed out how large the population growth would have to be to justify the increased orders, I decided to see. The truth had never occurred to me. I knew the Geneticists were crooked, but not how blatantly so.”
“How much does Kaleana know?”
“Only what she needs to. She knows what I do, but no details.”
“Of course, because you can’t accept help. You’ve always got to go at it alone, handle your problems alone, fight the world alone. You really are trying to save the world all by yourself. Well, you’re not
by yourself anymore. I want details.”
“I can’t. A lot of people’s safety is at risk.”
“You don’t trust me to keep my mouth shut?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then I don’t see the problem. I’m an adult, Malcolm. I know the consequences of what I’m asking, and I still want an answer. You can start with Oculus.”
Malcolm studied him carefully for a few moments and appeared to come to a decision. “How much do you want to know? This is bigger than you’ve even guessed. Once you know, you can’t get rid of the knowledge.”
“I want to know everything. If I’m going to be your partner, it’s only fair.”
“My partner?”
“Yes. Or were you really just using me for sex?”
Hurt flashed in Malcolm’s eyes. “Never.”
“Fine. Then partner it is.”
“Does this mean you’ve forgiven me?”
“As long as you’re willing to make amends by telling me the truth. The whole truth.”
Hope sprung in Malcolm’s eyes, but he quickly guarded it. “I’d thought you’d never stop being mad at me.”
“Oh, I’m furious that you didn’t tell me, didn’t let me help you sooner. Start talking.”
Malcolm closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Will worried that he’d reconsidered, but when Malcolm opened his eyes, there was warmth where the cold had been. “Oculus is an agent in Sharan, the nation-state Rufus is from. In fact, he’s how I got Rufus.”
“I thought you bought him at Emporium.”
“No. He doesn’t like to talk about the circumstances that brought him here. You know that each nation-state formed after the Great Destruction and joined the Federation, each with their own form of the system, their own traits that they’re trying to restore to the genome. The Geneticists in Sharan are aiming for a darker look than Rufus. The people there have skin blacker than night. It’s striking. Rufus is too light-skinned, hard as that is to believe, and has too much bulk. When he survived the virus without his hearing, his Alpha had Oculus smuggle him out. Their system isn’t as forgiving of deformities as ours is. If Oculus hadn’t gotten him out, he would have been killed.”
“Does he know about you and Oculus?”
“No. No one has any idea. Kaleana doesn’t even know about Oculus, only that I have a contact in Sharan and that he got me Rufus. As far as Rufus is concerned, he was spared death because I bought him. Importing and exporting Zeds is rare enough that most people don’t know how it works. Sharan would never export a Zed like Rufus. They wouldn’t want such an imperfection”—Malcolm sneered the word—“representing them in the world.”
“Your messages alluded to a much bigger network.”
“Yes, it spans the entire Federation and even some places outside the Federation’s reach. You know it as the Spark of Life Movement.”
“What?” Will collapsed back into his chair as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “You’re one of the fanatics?” Only after he asked it did he realize how rude the question sounded.
Malcolm smirked. “I suppose you could call me that, though I wouldn’t. The fanatics are the far more public arm of the movement. Most of them don’t know anything about our clandestine dealings. The actions of the fanatics that are reported on the bulletins are not part of our operation.”
“But you know everything? Who’s their leader? Is it this Oculus guy?”
“No. It’s me.”
Fear curled around Will’s ribs, and he understood why Malcolm had wanted to keep it a secret even from the people he trusted. The leader of the Spark of Life Movement was the most wanted man in the Federation. While everyone here was loyal to Malcolm, even having knowledge of his identity would put them at risk.
“It’s not as big of a deal as you might think. Our leadership changes every few years. It ensures that the ideals of the movement are directing us and not any one person. It’s simply my turn at the helm.”
“But the government always talks about him…you…as if it’s only one person.”
“They don’t know. It benefits us to appear as if we’ve had one leader all these years. People appreciate stability. We keep everything about our leadership structure secret and work with code names. You’re the only person on earth who knows my identity besides my predecessor. I’m only allowed to tell my spouse.”
The word hung in the air.
Will didn’t know how to respond. “I’m honored you trust me.”
“You’ve earned it. Kaleana knows I’m part of the movement, but not that I’m the current leader. I don’t want this to worry you. Nothing’s ever happened to one of our leaders. My predecessor passed the title on to me because he’d grown tired of it and felt he could contribute more as an agent. In a few years, I’ll do the same. It’s really just like being a glorified secretary. I keep the flow of information running smoothly between all our operations. Oculus is my second.”
The implications of what Malcolm said overwhelmed Will. “You’re in the business you’re in to get close to the Geneticists.”
“Yes.”
“And what’s your plan? What’s the goal?”
“Eventually, the elimination of the caste system altogether.”
Will shook his head. It seemed a fantasy: a world without the caste system. But if anyone could make it a reality, Will knew it was Malcolm. “You amaze me. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Any explanation for how you could possibly think you’re any less amazing than you are?”
“If I’m ever found out, I’ve condemned you to die with me. That’s not amazing, Will. It’s selfish, not the act of someone who’s worthy of your love.”
“If you’re ever found out, I’m dead anyway. Besides, I don’t know what you think my life would be without you.”
“Which is why I shouldn’t have gotten close to you in the first place.”
“And take away the best part of my life? The part that took me from merely existing to really living?” Will held up his tablet to Malcolm. “This right here, this makes you worthy of more than I could ever give you.” Will knelt between Malcolm’s legs. “Everything you’ve ever done has been to save me, to save all of us. Any mistakes you made were mistakes of love. All the things you suffered…” Will shook his head. “You could have made it so much easier on yourself, but you’ve never taken the respite you so readily offer everyone around you. This isn’t your fight. It’s mine, Kaleana’s, Syrus’s, Carson’s, Tony’s, Rufus’s, Stu’s, Nick’s. But we can’t fight, so you did the fighting for us and didn’t even ask for help. Never even let us know that while we were resting, you were facing our battles. I found the files on our old Alphas.”
“Revenge is hardly noble.”
“No, but standing up for those who can’t stand up for themselves is. Don’t you see what you’ve done? Or are you really so focused that you think you can just go from saving one person to the next until the whole world is free? You deserved my adoration, and instead you got my scorn. I’m sorry I lost faith in you so easily. You’d earned my trust, and instead of honoring that, I assumed the worst. I’m ashamed.”
“I gave you no reason to trust me.”
“You gave me all of yourself. That was reason enough. You let me see everything and asked me to ignore the part of you that worked tirelessly for a greater cause. All you’ve ever needed, wanted, is for someone to love you, to refill your stores of strength. I was honored to be that person before I even knew what you were doing. Now I’m too ashamed to ever expect you to let me be that person again. You loved me, cared for me, even when I hated you. And now you’re ready to go on fighting all alone, not only my battles and those of all the Zeds, but your own as well. All to keep me safe. You were willing to let me hate you, knowing that you had done more for me than I could realize. I betrayed your trust. I went behind your back. I let my anger overcome my love for you. Worst of all, I made you believe you weren’t worthy of my love. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but if y
ou give me the opportunity, I’ll spend every waking moment making it up to you.” Tears leaked from his eyes for the tragic man in front him. Tears for the pain he’d caused. Tears for himself.
Malcolm shook his head, his own eyes watery. “Stop. You make me out to be more than I am.” His voice shook.
Will reached up and took Malcolm’s face in his hands. His thumb caught the first tear that fell from Malcolm’s amber eye. “Not possible. Regardless of what you are to the world, to the movement, to the other people in this house, you’re everything to me. Please tell me you’ll let me try to repay you. Let me be a part of your life.”
“There’s nothing to repay. You’ve already given me more than I’d ever hoped to find.”
“And what’s that?”
“A partner.”
“A partner wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”
“And he would have trusted the other to make his own decisions. We’ve both made mistakes.”
“So you still want me?” Will didn’t know how he could be a worthy partner for Malcolm, but he wanted the chance to try.
“How could I not? I’ve never stopped wanting you. You’re the only man who could ever fill that spot, if you’ll have me now, knowing the danger.”
“You face it every day. There isn’t any danger that could keep me away.” Will kissed him. Their tears mingled as their tongues did. They were refreshing tears, cleansing away the pain as Will had thought the ocean and rain would. His mind traced back to all the moments they’d shared, everything Malcolm had done for him. He broke away.
“You fool. You shouldn’t have stood up to Stanton that day. If he hadn’t backed down, if you’d been arrested, they could have seized your computer. They would have known everything.” Malcolm had almost compromised the entire movement because of him.
“You’ve always been my weakness. You’re the foolish one if you think I’m noble enough to put the cause above you. You’re too important to me, and I’m too selfish. If something had happened to you, I wouldn’t have been able to continue working anyway. I’d have become the terrorist the government likes to paint me as.”
[In Distress 01.0] In Distress Page 29
