While Kara played on the floor and smeared her cracker all over her face and clothes, he opened boxes. Two held quilts he figured his sister had made. He’d keep those. The third box was heavy. There were some novels on top and a few cookbooks. He set them aside and pulled out a picture album. With dread and curiosity mingling, he opened the cover and leaned back against the wall as memories rose from the pages. He recognized Jessica’s handwriting where she’d labeled each picture.
She must have gotten Mom’s albums because the first page held their baby pictures. His and Jessica’s. Until that moment he hadn’t realized how much Kara looked like her mother. There were pictures of his dad and mom. One must have been taken on Easter Sunday because all four of them were dressed especially nice as they stood outside the little country church they’d attended before they moved to town after Dad died.
He turned the pages and felt more alone than he ever had in his life. His eyes burned, and he fought the emotions he’d put down for so long. He wanted to push the album away, but the pictures called to him until he couldn’t. By the time he reached Jessica and Steve’s wedding pictures, his heart seemed to have grown double its normal size and was just as heavy. Mom looked happy.
He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. She’d died two months later. Cancer crept in and took her life. Silent tears slid down his face. He turned another page and there was Jessica in the hospital with newborn Kara in her arms and Steve holding them both close. Their faces shone with wonder and love for the gift they held, for Kara truly was a precious gift from God. Theirs for ten months. Already they’d been gone almost two months.
A tear dropped to the page beside the picture, so he closed the book, letting it slide from his lap. Another tear fell and then another. He bowed his head as his heart burst with sorrow and loss. Deep sobs of grief such as he had never cried before tore from him. He cried for his dad and his mom. He cried for Jessica and Steve, and he cried for Amanda. For the love they once had, but lost. For the second chance he’d somehow blown without knowing how or why.
He cried until he felt a weight on his leg, and his sweet child climbed on his lap. She patted his face and said, “Dada?” Her innocence and acceptance of him brought a fresh wave of tears, only silent now. Then she cried, too. Not so silently. He hugged her close and patted her back while his tears stopped falling. He wiped his face with his shirtsleeve and took a deep breath. He hadn’t cried like that in years. In fact, maybe never. He hoped never again.
He got up and took Kara to the kitchen where he fixed her a bottle of milk using only one hand. She latched on to her bottle and lay back in his arms with her eyes drooping. He grinned. “Looks like we’ve got a date with a rocking chair, little girl.”
The early morning sun reflected from a real estate sign on the edge of Chad’s property as Amanda drove past. She gripped the steering wheel. Lord, why? Why did You bring us back together and then tear us apart? If Chad was a Christian, he’d have said so yesterday. Instead he got angry. “In all things God works for the good of those who love him.” Let this be one of those things. Please Lord, even if Chad and I can’t be together, at least bring him to You.
Amanda knocked on the door and heard Chad call out, “Come on in.”
She found Kara playing with some toys in the middle of the floor. The little girl squealed when she saw her and crawled to meet her. Amanda scooped her up and gave her a hug. “I missed you, sweetie. One day away from you and I can’t wait to be back. What will I do after today?”
She looked up to find Chad’s gaze on her. He didn’t speak but turned away, picked up a couple of boxes, and walked out the door with them. While she played with Kara, he made several trips from the bedrooms to his truck. Not once did he speak, and she didn’t try to get him to. Finally he stood in the doorway watching her and Kara play with a toy telephone. She sat back on her heels on the floor and looked up at him.
“Soon as I lock up the house, I’m ready to go.” No emotion moved across his face.
“All right.” She stood and picked Kara and her telephone up. “I’ll buckle Kara in for you. Do you have a bottle for her? Diapers and wipes handy? It’s a long drive.”
Her voice caught on the last sentence, but he didn’t seem to notice. He nodded. “It’s all taken care of. Thanks for all your help. Oh, here’s your pay through today.”
She stared at the envelope he held out. What would he do if she refused to take it? At first she didn’t mind taking his money. Actually she hadn’t thought much about it one way or another, but the last few weeks had been hard taking pay for doing something she loved. Maybe it was a good thing the job was over, because it had never been a real job to her anyway. She’d been playing house. Only the house didn’t belong to her. Neither did the man or the child.
She took the envelope and stuffed it in the hip pocket of her jeans. “Thanks. I’ll take Kara out.”
By sheer force of will, Amanda held her tears until Chad locked the house and joined her and Kara at the truck. She backed away and watched him slide behind the wheel. With the door still open, his eyes met hers and she recognized her own pain reflected in them.
When he spoke, his words were like knives slicing through her heart. “I won’t be buying a house. I’ll probably just look for a larger apartment. The house was for us before I knew…” His voice broke and he cleared his throat. “Well anyway, Kara and I can get by with a bigger apartment. Thanks, Amanda, for your help. I couldn’t have handled this without you. I guess this is good-bye.”
She couldn’t speak for the knot in her throat, so she nodded and stepped back. He pulled his door closed, and she fled to her car.
Why did doing the right thing hurt so much?
Chapter 16
S he was home before noon. Mom and Dad always took lunches or ate out, and she didn’t feel like fixing anything for herself. The house felt cool compared to the summer sun outdoors. Cool, dark, and empty. She stood in her parents’ spacious living room and held her arms tight across her middle. She’d already cried a bucket of tears. She’d prayed until she had no more words to give. And still her heart cried out to the Father. Please bring him to You, Lord. Not for me, but for You and for him. May Chad find the joy of salvation.
She took a deep, calming breath. Less than a week until the Fourth of July. Mom could use her help. She could use the distraction. She headed toward the kitchen where Mom kept her to-do list. There’d be plenty to keep her busy this week.
“I’d like to help serve at the barbecue this year,” Amanda told her folks that night and watched her dad’s eyebrows rise. She smiled. “So I don’t usually volunteer, but Sarah and Kevin can’t come because her morning sickness is just now starting to go away, and she’s afraid the drive would stir things up again. Tessa says Blake’s opening another restaurant in Lubbock, Texas, and they don’t have time to come. What else can I do? I might as well help where I can.”
“We’ll put you to work, honey.” Mom patted her back as she set the bowl of potatoes on the table. “Now let’s eat, and I’ll tell you all sorts of things you can do. In fact, I’ll have you so busy, you won’t be able to think.”
She laughed with her parents but saw the underlying sympathy in their eyes and looked away. She’d make it through this. School would keep her busy soon. In fact she’d be attending an orientation seminar in a couple of weeks.
The next few days passed quickly, while the nights stretched forever. The Davis family’s Fourth of July barbecue drew a large crowd as usual. Brad, Esther, and their kids were there. So were Karen and Wayne and their two girls. Amanda felt alone in the crowd until her brother and sister cornered her.
“Hey, you doing okay?” Brad lightly clipped her shoulder with his fist.
She shrugged. “Sure, Mom’s keeping me busy. Didn’t you see me serving desserts?”
“Yeah, I thought about taking a picture to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.” Brad grinned. “What happened to hiding when the jobs get han
ded out?”
Karen laughed. “Oh Brad, be nice. Amanda’s grown up now. She doesn’t run from work anymore. So rather than beat around the bush, why don’t we just ask what we want to know?”
Amanda looked from her sister to her brother. They both watched her. “What is this? Gang up on little Amanda? Didn’t you two outgrow that about twenty years ago?”
“Nope.” Brad grinned. “As your big brother—”
“And your big sister—” Karen added.
“It’s our duty to make sure you aren’t being hurt,” Brad finished. “So, what happened between you and Chad? I heard he left town all of a sudden.”
They meant well. They were also annoying older siblings. Amanda laughed and muttered, “I can’t believe this.”
“He’s a good guy, Amanda.” Karen crossed her arms as if she expected a denial.
Amanda nodded. “He’s a good guy who needs to accept salvation.”
“He isn’t a born-again Christian?” Karen’s mouth opened and she stared at Brad. “I thought…Mom said he went to church, and he’s so nice.”
Brad shrugged.
Amanda looked from one to the other of her caring siblings. “I may as well pour out my heart to you two. Here’s the bottom line. I love Chad more than I’ve ever loved any other man, including Jeff, although I did love him. I love Kara as if she were my own child. My second child.”
She crossed her arms and blinked. “If I had peace in my heart about this, I would marry him like yesterday and move to Rockford. But I don’t. It would be a mistake, so I let him go. Now I’m getting on with my life. I have a job, and I plan to be the best kindergarten teacher this school has ever had. End of story.”
After the confrontation with her brother and sister on the Fourth, Amanda poured her energy into getting on with her life. But eight days after the barbecue was especially hard for Amanda. Kara turned one year old that day. She drove to the empty farmhouse and sat in the driveway. Because she’d opened her mouth and offended Chad, she’d missed celebrating with the little girl who seemed so much a part of her. Charity had never reached her first birthday, and now Kara was gone, too.
Sobs shook her body as she longed to hold her daughter, and somehow the two girls blended into one until she didn’t know which she grieved for the most—Charity or Kara.
When she returned from the orientation seminar a few weeks later, she began visits with her future students in their homes. She worked in her classroom and prepared lesson plans and materials. Her life was more than full, yet not a day went by that she didn’t miss Chad and Kara.
Then, on the first day of school, she met a fellow teacher who reminded her of Jeffrey. When he caught her eye and smiled with a quick wink, her heart stuttered from a memory long ago when Jeff had done the same thing the first time they met. Maybe she hadn’t shriveled up and died inside like she’d thought.
Chad returned to the apartment after the first day of school and pulled his tie off as soon as the door closed behind him.
“Is that you, Mr. Randall?” Velma called from the kitchen.
Who else would it be? He didn’t let his foul mood sound in his voice. “Yeah, it’s me.”
He rounded the corner to the combination kitchen/dining room and saw a homey scene that only served to emphasize Amanda’s absence from their lives. His housekeeper, who was at least fifty, stood at the table stirring something in a bowl. Cookies probably, since Kara had a homemade sugar cookie clutched in one hand and cookie crumbs strewn from her face to the floor. She welcomed him with a messy smile and banged her cookie on the tray, scattering more crumbs.
He laughed at the sight. “So are we having cookies for dinner?”
Velma laughed. “There’s fish in the oven, mashed potatoes and broccoli on the counter, salad in the refrigerator, and cookies for dessert along with some ice cream if you’d like.”
“Sounds good to me.” He didn’t much care what he ate. Or if he did. As long as Kara was taken care of. And Velma did a good job of that as far as he could see. Only she was more grandma than mother substitute. Kara needed Amanda. He needed Amanda. His heart ached for her every minute of every day.
He wasn’t surprised Sunday morning when his first thought was to get ready for church. But why should he? He’d gone last Sunday and the preacher had sounded like Amanda, saying a man had to be born again or he couldn’t go to heaven. Why go listen to all the things he’d heard since he was a kid? Sometimes he felt as if a battle raged inside him. He’d started reading his Bible more than he ever had. Jessica’s Bible, actually. He liked reading the notes she’d written in the margins because they made him feel closer to her. And they stirred something inside him to be more like her.
He threw the covers back and got out of bed. What would it hurt to go to church? Jessica and Steve would want Kara raised in church. He might not know much about being a parent, but his parents seldom missed church. He took a shower and dressed.
When he lifted Kara from bed, she felt warm and didn’t greet him with her usual smile. His heart lurched. She couldn’t be sick. What would he do with her sick on Sunday? He changed her diaper and dressed her, then carried her into the living room and sat in his recliner while he dialed Velma’s number.
“Hello?”
His breath rushed out. “Velma, this is Chad Randall. Kara’s warm and fussy. Do you have any ideas what might be wrong?”
Her chuckle did little to reassure him. “I’d guess it’s her teeth. I thought she acted like her gum was hurting on Friday. I’m getting ready for church, but Fred will bring me by your apartment if you want me to take a look.”
Chad leaned his head back against the chair and felt the tension ease. “No, you don’t need to go out of your way. A drive might soothe her, so why don’t I bring her by your house? I can be there in a few minutes.”
“Come by if you want, but you can check for yourself. Wash your hands really good and touch her lower gum beside her teeth. She’ll either clamp down or jerk back.” Velma sounded confident, so Chad did as she said.
Sure enough, Kara bit down on his finger and chewed. Amazingly, her fussing stopped. He called Velma back. “You were right. So how do I help her? She can’t keep chewing on my finger.”
Velma laughed. “Get her a teething ring and a bottle of teething lotion. A children’s pain reliever will help, too. Won’t be long until we have a new tooth.”
“Thanks, Velma.” Chad clicked off his phone and leaned back in his chair for a moment. Amanda, why aren’t you here with me? You’d know what to do for her.
With a quick shake of his head, he stood with Kara still gumming his finger. Poor baby. The sooner he got something to ease the pain, the better. He carried her out to his truck and drove to the store. After he paid for his purchases, he went into the men’s room and thoroughly washed the teething ring before giving it to Kara. Then he gave her a dose of nonaspirin liquid pain medicine, put the remainder back in the bag, and left the store.
On the way home he drove past the street that led to the church he’d attended the week before. On impulse, he turned at the next corner and went around the block. “Do you want to go to church, Kara?”
A quick check in the rearview mirror showed a contented baby still chewing on her new plastic ring. Amazing. Maybe they could sit in the back, and if she started fussing again, they could leave. Sounded reasonable to him.
Reasonable, but not comfortable. Again, the minister talked about the necessity of salvation, the need to make a commitment to Christ. Chad looked down at the sleeping baby in his arms and tried to find a more comfortable position. He rested his elbow on the armrest. Jessica had often urged him to walk the walk, as she called it. To return to the beliefs of their youth.
Like Amanda, she thought he was a heathen because he didn’t attend church all the time. He’d been going more over the summer and since he returned home than he had in the last fourteen years. Did that count? Maybe not. Something nagged at him deep inside as if a weight were p
ulling down on his heart.
The minister’s voice penetrated his thoughts. “In Hebrews 9:27 and 28, we read, ‘Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many.’ Will you die someday? God’s Word says that day is appointed for you and for me.”
Words from the pulpit beat into Chad’s mind with frightening clarity. People died daily. Young or old, it made no difference. Jessica stepped out the door of her house and never returned. In a matter of minutes the tornado destroyed her barn and took her and Steve into eternity. With an assurance that didn’t waver, Chad knew his sister and brother-in-law were in heaven. If he had been taken in their place, where would he be? As a preteen, he’d asked Jesus into his heart, but had he ever committed his life in service to Christ? No, he’d gone his own way, living the way he wanted without a thought for God’s way. Had he ever really been saved?
“Do you feel Jesus knocking at your heart’s door?” The minister stepped down and held out his hand. “Come, let us pray with you.”
Chad’s heart pounded as he held Kara close. She still slept. He couldn’t wake her. Not after she’d been in so much pain. Thankfully, she didn’t feel warm now. He didn’t need to go forward for prayer anyway. He shifted in his seat then stood with the congregation. Church would soon be over.
Kara woke as Chad shook hands with the minister at the back door after dismissal. The older man said, “I’m so glad to see you again. Please, make yourself at home here.”
Chad nodded and smiled. “Thank you. I plan to come when I can.”
“We’ll count on it. And this young lady, too.” He smiled and touched Kara’s tiny hand. “You’re a sweetheart, aren’t you?”
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