*
Dominic squeezes my hand as we walk back out to the car park. I’ve just put hand cream on and he laughs.
‘You use too much of that stuff!’
He’s probably right, but I like it. It calms my nerves a bit.
‘OK? Enjoy your chicken?’ he says, and I nod and squeeze him back, his hand warm in my own. I am so lucky to have him. I know he’d never hurt me. But then, I still don’t think James would hurt Ashley.
‘Time for a quick walk? Burn off those roasts?’ Ashley suggests and I nod yes, say I’ll just grab my hat and gloves from out of the car.
‘Can you get me my scarf, please?’ Dom asks, fastened to the spot by Benji, who has hold of his leg and is talking about aliens, and I laugh and catch the keys from him as he throws them across the gravel.
I’m about to open the passenger side when something catches my eye. At first I can’t work out what it is, I think it’s a piece of clothing lying on the bonnet, but when I lean closer it hits me. The shock of it is awful; I recoil from the car, bile rising in my throat.
‘Dominic!’ I shout. ‘Dominic!’
I look over to the group frantically, they’re not paying attention to me. I cry out again, backing away from the car, and Dominic looks up, sees me and begins to come over, breaking into a run when he sees my face.
‘What is it?’ he says. ‘What’s the matter?’
I’m covering my mouth now, I can see passers-by staring at me, families emerging from the pub, making their way to their cars.
‘Look,’ I say. ‘Look!’
Dom steps forward, swears loudly when he sees what is lying on the bonnet of our car.
It is a rabbit. Dead, one of its eyes hanging slightly out of its skull, its mouth open in a frozen scream. The underside of it is matted with blood, its paws lie limply against the bonnet. It looks like it has been hit by a car.
‘Jesus,’ Dominic says. ‘Why the hell is this on the bonnet?’
‘I don’t know!’ I say. ‘I don’t know! I just came to the car and it was here, someone’s put it on our car! It’s horrible, oh God, it’s so horrible.’
‘Slow coaches slow coaches!’ Benji is running towards us, eager to begin the walk, and Dominic puts out an arm to stop him seeing the car. But it is too late.
‘Yuck! What’s happened to that bunny?’ Benji asks, screwing up his face and sticking out his tongue. ‘It’s dead like in science.’
‘Yep, yep it is, mate, OK, but not to worry, be a good lad and run back to your mum now,’ Dominic says. ‘You guys start without us, we’ll catch you up.’
Benji pulls another face, rolls his eyes. ‘Can I look at it?’
Dominic shakes his head. ‘No, mate, come on, go back to Grandma. We’ll be along in a bit. Do us a favour will you and tell them we’re just having a quick chat.’
Benji runs off, skidding his shoes along the gravel of the car park as he goes, making racing car noises. Dominic sighs.
‘What a sick thing to do, put it on the car like that. Poor creature. Leave it to me, I’ll get this cleared up. What a bloody mess.’
I am shaking, my eyes fixed on the poor rabbit’s face, half squashed by the force of whatever hit it.
‘Why our car, Dominic? Why this?’
He shrugs, shakes his head slowly. I don’t know how he can be so calm. ‘I don’t know,’ he says. ‘You didn’t see anyone?’
‘Nobody.’
He grimaces. ‘Could be a practical joke, I suppose, or more likely some local weirdo.’ He glances around the car park. There are a group of men coming towards us, all clad in wellies and waterproof coats, laughing and jostling each other as they make their way into the pub. ‘Or someone protesting – people in the countryside are always against something – the badger cull, fox hunting. The amount of roadkill.’ He puts an arm around me, I am shaking.
‘It’s all right, my love. It won’t be anything personal – think about it, who do we know living out in deepest darkest Kent? No one. Except your mum of course, and somehow I don’t think she’s behind this.’ He smiles at me, trying to make me laugh. ‘Whoever did it was probably too scared to pick one of the fancy BMWs round here. Chose the scruffy car that looked as though its owners weren’t bothered!’ He sniffs. ‘You go on, join your family. Don’t let it upset you, my love. I’ll speak to the landlord of the pub too, report it. I bet you’ll find there’s been a spate of this kind of thing.’
My eyes flit across the car park. There are a couple of other cars: James’s Golf, a little red Mini and a dirty white camper van with the number plate loose. One of the waitresses is emptying a big barrel of bottles in the alley by the pub, the green glass smashing loudly. As I watch, two women come out of the restaurant area, both groaning and holding their stomachs as though they’ve eaten too much. A man with a little terrier holds the door open for them, smiling broadly. They look like mother and daughter.
My heart is beating fast through the thickness of my coat and I try to be logical, keep my gaze away from the poor bunny lying on the car. The sight of its bloodied fur makes my legs feel weak. Dominic is right – nobody knows us in Kent, nobody even knows we’re here.
Dominic has opened up the car, is looking for a plastic bag. The rabbit lies prone in front of us, its stiffening body a dark shape just in front of the windscreen. We used to have rabbits in Hampstead, two pet bunnies. Bertie and Nosie. They belonged to me and Ash.
I put my arms around Dominic, wanting his warmth and security. I don’t want to go on the walk without him. I look back at the car, at the bunny’s splayed legs, the way its skull has smashed in on itself. The poor thing wouldn’t have stood a chance.
11
Kent
Ashley
They are walking down the hill from the pub when James pulls Ashley over to one side. They lag back so that the group edge in front of them, Mathilde pushing the pram. Corinne and Dom are still by the pub; Ashley doesn’t know what is taking them so long. James grabs her sleeve and says he’s got to talk to her. Now.
‘Well all right,’ she says, in a joking sort of voice because the Merlot has gone to her head a bit and she’s just happy that he’s here, and they are all together, the five of them; she isn’t on her own, watching TV and waiting for the silent phone to ring.
Ashley tucks her hand inside the pocket of James’s jacket to join his own and puts her face close to his like a mock detective. Perhaps if she pretends as though everything is OK it really will be.
‘What’s up, mister?’ The look on his face is very serious and suddenly she feels a tiny bit sick. She pushes her tongue over her teeth, hoping they’re not stained from the red wine. Her heart begins to thud. Is he going to tell her? Is he going to tell her there’s another woman? Not now. Surely he wouldn’t do it here, in front of the children. Would he?
‘Did you give Corinne and Dominic money?’
There is a pause. Ashley blinks.
‘Well, yes, I lent her money for their final round of IVF. You know they’d run out. I told you, and I wanted to help. Sorry, I should have mentioned it but you’ve been so busy and I didn’t think you’d mind. You don’t, do you?’
‘Jesus.’ He exhales.
Ashley pulls her hand from his pocket and takes a step backwards, confused. ‘What’s the matter? I was only being kind.’
‘You should have discussed it with me, Ash,’ he says. ‘Or at least mentioned it. For fuck’s sake.’
Ashley stands on the hill, staring at him. She can feel tears prick the backs of her eyes.
‘The only reason I haven’t told you, James, is because I never bloody see you! You’re never at home! You’re always at work! If that’s what they’re calling it these days.’
James looks shocked. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You know what it means.’ All of a sudden she feels exhausted; the energy leaves her body and her arms drop down to her sides. The rest of the family are a way ahead but they can probably hear her, screeching l
ike a banshee. How humiliating.
‘I don’t want to discuss this now,’ she says, in a low voice, and she turns on her heel and walks fast to catch up with the children, ignoring her husband as he calls after her. How dare James make her feel guilty? It’s not like he runs it past Ashley every time he uses money from their account. And it’s hardly as if she was using the cash for a selfish reason. James loves Corinne. They have talked about her fertility struggles, lots of times. Just last week he was saying how much he felt for them both. How can he mind her using the money for such a good purpose?
Ashley runs a little so that she is alongside Benji, scoops her son close to her. The tip of his nose is dribbling a little in the wintery wind and she whips out a tissue before he can wipe it on his coat, glad she came prepared.
‘Auntie Corinne found a dead rabbit, Mummy,’ Benji says. ‘It’s dead like in science.’
‘Oh, did she? Well, yes, you do get that sometimes in the countryside, Ben,’ Ashley tells him, and she zips up his coat where it has fallen down, tucks his hat more tightly on his little head. He starts gabbling on about the rabbit but Ashley isn’t listening, tunes her son out as she thinks over James’s reaction. She’s never seen that side of him before, has never had him down as someone anything other than generous.
‘OK, Luce?’ she calls out to her daughter, who has her arm through Mathilde’s and is walking on ahead, one hand on Holly’s pushchair. Her daughter looks back at her, gives her a rare smile. Ashley feels momentarily better. Maybe James is just tired. He will have to come round soon. She has never thought of her husband as a selfish man. Why on earth would he mind her giving away money when he is doing so well?
12
Kent
Corinne
‘Don’t you think it’s weird?’ I say to Ashley and Mum. I’ve just finished telling them about the rabbit, the poor dead creature now lying in a makeshift grave on the countryside verge. Dom and I buried him together, while the others were walking. I didn’t know what else to do, I couldn’t bear the thought of the poor thing stuffed in a bin, left to rot amongst the rubbish.
‘To find it on the car like that? I mean it wasn’t just on the ground, someone had actually picked it up and put it on the bonnet.’
‘Awful.’ Mum nods. ‘Really horrid. Poor thing, and poor you. What a dreadful shock.’ She takes a long sip of her tea. ‘Mind you, you do get some queer folk around here, country people with all sorts of ideas about the way things should be run. There’s always some protest or other going on – when they started the badger cull you heard a lot of talk of this kind of thing – activists leaving dead animals in public places.’
We’re sat in front of the fire, the flames crackling in front of us. I watch the colours dance – orange, red, gold. The image of the mangled rabbit keeps surfacing in my brain, its broken limbs, flattened ears. We reported it to the people who own the pub, they said they’d be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
‘Has it happened here before?’ I asked the barman, trying to keep the panic out of my voice, but he just frowned and said he didn’t think so before getting caught up in a row over a pint with too much head.
I don’t know what else we can do. I can’t stop thinking about it, the way the poor creature’s jaw was frozen open, his staring little eyes. I used to love our pet bunnies, with their soft pink noses and glossy brown fur. They’re such gentle creatures. We had them for years, I used to run home from school to play with them, bring them in the house with me when Mum and Dad weren’t looking.
Lucy is horrified by it when she finds out.
‘Why would someone do that to a poor little rabbit?’ she asks.
‘It was probably an accident, Luce,’ Ashley says. ‘It’s roadkill, a car ran it over without meaning to. Some horrible person just wanted to put it where it could be seen, that’s all, probably to make a point. Let’s try to forget about it, shall we?’
Her voice is tight, tense. I glance at her. There’s something wrong between her and James, I can tell. I think they’ve had a row.
13
Kent
Corinne
We leave the next morning, early. I slept badly, dreamed of our old Hampstead house. I was in the garden, near the rabbit cages, waiting for Ashley to find me. We were playing hide and seek. I waited and waited but she never came, no one did. I stayed hidden in the trees for hours, until it got dark, and then nobody could hear me calling out for help. I woke up mid-shout, my mouth wide open, and Dominic jolted awake beside me.
‘Corinne? What’s the matter?’ He touched my arm. ‘God, you’re freezing.’
‘Bad dream,’ I mumbled, lying back against the pillow. Cold sweat dampened my body, pooled uncomfortably on my stomach and the back of my neck. The anxiety didn’t go away, it stayed with me as we got up, had breakfast and packed to go back to London. I was jumpy, catching my breath at the slightest thing, the smallest sound.
Mum wouldn’t meet my eye properly at breakfast when I asked her again about Dad’s things. I know she’s lying to me, but I don’t know why. The thought careers round and around in my head, making me clumsy, distracted.
I hug Ashley hard as we leave, tell her to ring me any time.
‘Will you come outside with me for a sec?’ she whispers, and I nod and follow her out into the garden, our feet crunching on the gravel that surrounds the house. We keep walking onto the grass, which is wet with condensation. Ashley doesn’t say anything until we’re right at the bottom, near where the fence meets the field. Plumes of smoke rise from the building across the meadow, spiral into the sky like grey ghosts. I stare out over the grass, at the hedgerows criss-crossing the countryside. Someone out there put that rabbit on our car. Someone scraped it off the road, positioned it where they knew I’d see it. The thought makes me feel sick.
‘What’s happened?’ I ask her. ‘What’s going on with James?’ She won’t meet my eye. I know she hates looking upset, hates showing weakness. She’s always been the same, ever since we were children.
‘I think James might be having an affair.’ The words come out in a rush, and I can see how hard it is for her to say them. Her cheeks are red, as though she doesn’t even like admitting to the thought. I focus, try to choose my words carefully.
‘What makes you think that, Ash?’
She’s crossing and uncrossing her arms like she does when she’s uncomfortable.
‘I confronted him last night – you probably heard, sorry – about why he’s been staying so late at work, why he’s hardly been home in the last month. He didn’t have an answer, he just kept evading the question. He looked really shady, Cor. He couldn’t reassure me, just keeps saying it’s stuff in the office, stuff he needs to sort out. I can’t see what on earth could be so important though, that’s the thing. He’s always been so successful, I can’t see why . . .’ She trails off, pushes her toe into the damp ground, creating furrows with the tips of her shoes. She takes a deep breath.
‘And I keep getting these phone calls. Late at night, someone breathing. To the house and to my mobile. I think it’s a woman. Every time his mobile rings he jumps for it, takes it in the other room like some sort of spy. He never used to be like this, Cor. He didn’t. I just—’
Her voice breaks and I reach out, put my arms around her and rub her back. Her tears dampen my shoulder. We stand there in the grass for a long time, holding each other, the dew seeping through our shoes.
‘Anyway.’ She pulls away from me, sniffs, wipes her nose on her sleeve. ‘God, look at me. I’m so sorry, Cor.’ She squeezes my hand. ‘Call me when you get back to London, won’t you? And keep me posted. When are you going to take the first pregnancy test?’
‘They say I can try next week,’ I tell her. A bubble of hope grows in my chest even as I say the words, but I gently push it back, feel a flash of guilt that I could be distracted when Ashley is so upset.
She nods. ‘OK. Keep me in the loop.’ We turn to go back to the house, where Dom is waiting
with the car.
‘Oh, and, Cor, don’t worry about the doll house, will you? It’s in the attic, you heard Mum. We’ll get it out one day for your little one.’ She holds up her hand, crosses her fingers in the air. ‘But seriously, I think this stuff is just your imagination. I really do. And try to stop thinking about the poor rabbit.’ She smiles at me. ‘Remember Bertie and Nosie? How old were we when we had them?’
‘Five,’ I say. ‘Dad bought them for us. Well, I was five, you would’ve been older. We had them for years and years.’
Ashley nods. ‘We loved them.’
*
It’s only early afternoon but I want to go to bed. I am tired, the journey back from Mum’s has wiped me out and the whole weekend has hardly been the relaxing break I needed. Far from it.
Dominic has to go into work, it’s Monday so the paper is on deadline. I’ve booked the whole day off, so I tell him I’ll just go home and see him later. He drops me off with my keys and I wave as he drives off to the office. There’s a little dead bird lying on the corner of our road, a pigeon with its feathers flattened. It looks like it’s been dead for days. I lift my eyes upwards, away from the matted mess on the pavement. At least this one isn’t plastered on our car.
I’m looking forward to snuggling up with a cup of lemon hot water. I’ve been drinking lots of it, doctor’s orders. The thought of the doctor jumps my mind to next week. I’m going to take a pregnancy test on the first recommended day, perhaps one before? There are so many tests now that say early results. I’m not sure I can wait much longer.
‘Corinne!’ It’s Gilly, she’s coming out of the lift behind me, pushing her pram. She’s got no make-up on; it makes her look younger than ever.
‘Hi!’ I say. ‘How’re you?’
‘Exhausted,’ she says. ‘I’ve just about finished unpacking, but it’s been a slog. Fancy a quick cuppa? I’m about to have one myself.’
The Doll House Page 8
