by Miranda Lee
'My mother was a habitual aborter,' she said unhappily. 'Maybe I'm the same.'
'I doubt that, Sophia.'
'But I might be.' The thought terrified her, for she'd always wanted lots of children.
'Don't jump to conclusions. Ask the doctor when you see him.'
'All right,' she sighed, and fell wretchedly silent again.
'Tell me about your mother, Sophia,' Jonathon asked after a while. 'All I know is that she died shortly before you came to live with Godfrey. He also said something about how your stepfather had tried to force you to marry him. Is that right?'
She nodded. 'He was Italian too, my stepfather. My real father wasn't. He was Australian. Mum met him when she was at school. He was her English teacher.'
'I'll bet her parents didn't like that.'
'Her parents were dead, killed in an earthquake back in Italy. She'd been sent out here to Australia to live with an aunt and an uncle. Apparently she was a bit of a rebel, and they were never able to control her much.
'Anyway, she married Dad the year after she left school and I was born nine months after the wedding. It seems something went wrong with Mum's uterus when I was born. When she had two miscarriages after me, the doctors told her not to try any more, that it was dangerous.'
'But she did?'
'Not with my real Dad. But after he died unexpectedly early of a coronary, she married Joe. He was a second cousin of hers. That's when we moved to the farm outside of Lithgow. Joe wanted a son. He was a very good-looking man, but very traditionally Italian in his ways. Poor Mum tried to have a baby every year, and every year she lost it. I used to argue with my stepfather about how it was killing her, trying to give him his precious son.
'One day, when I was sixteen and Mum had just had her fifth miscarriage, he and I had a really big argument. He said women were for having bambinos and that if my mother couldn't give him one then he would find a younger woman who could. Out of the blue he…he tried to…to…you know. I fought him off and grabbed a knife and told him if he ever came near me again, I'd kill him.'
'I'd like to kill the bastard myself,' Jonathon growled. 'Did he ever try again?'
'Not till Mum died. And even then, he didn't try to force me to go to bed with him. His idea by then was that I marry him first. When I said I'd rather die he locked me in my bedroom, boarded up the window and told me I wasn't going to get any food and water till I came to my senses.'
'What did you do?'
'It took me all night but I managed to work a couple of boards off the windows, climbed out and went racing to Godfrey. He lived next door, you know.'
'Yes, I know. What did Godfrey do?'
'He told me I could move in with him till I knew what I wanted to do with my life, so I did.'
'What did your stepfather do then? Surely he must have done something!'
'He came storming over, ranting and raving, but my Godfrey was magnificent.' Sophia smiled widely at the memory. 'He had this old rifle which didn't even work but Joe didn't know that. He pointed it straight at Joe's head and told him if he ever came near me again, he'd splatter his brains from there to Lithgow.'
'Good lord! Godfrey did that?'
'He sure did.'
'The power of love,' Jonathon muttered. 'So what happened next?'
'Joe sold up the farm and moved to Melbourne. I haven't heard from him since.'
'I dare say you haven't missed him.'
'Hardly.'
Jonathon began shaking his head. 'I still can't believe it. Godfrey…my meek and mild brother, actually physically threatening someone.'
Sophia's smile was rueful. 'Maybe I should tell you what happened after Joe left…'
'Maybe you should.'
'Godfrey fainted dead away. I had to carry him inside and put him to bed.'
Jonathon's nod was as dry as his voice. 'Now that's more like the Godfrey I knew and loved.'
Sophia's heart turned over and she looked at Jonathon, her eyes blurring suddenly. 'You did love him, didn't you?'
'Very much.'
'He loved you too, Jonathon.'
'I hope so, Sophia. I really hope so.'
'He was a very special man.'
'Very special.'
'And he's gone,' she cried softly. 'And his baby's gone. There's nothing left for people to remember him by. It's not fair. It's just not fair…'
'Life was never fair to Godfrey,' Jonathon agreed with a weary sigh.
'I loved him so much.'
'Yes… I know.'
'I'll never forget him.'
'Yes… I know.'
The utter desolation in Jonathon's voice pricked at her conscience. He was suffering too. She should try not to be so maudlin. Godfrey would not have liked her to be maudlin. He hated dreariness in any way shape or form. And hatred. Godfrey always said it was a pity human beings could not all love one another, no matter what.
She reached over and picked up the nearest of Jonathon's hands, the unexpected action sending his eyes jerking up to hers. 'Don't be sad, Jonathon,' she soothed. 'If there's one thing that has come out of all this, it's that we've become friends. Look, I haven't even stammered once tonight and I'm not at all angry with you.'
He simply stared at her, so hard and long that she began to feel self-conscious. And then it hit her. She was no longer having Godfrey's baby. There was no longer any reason for her to be welcome in the Parnell home. Their friendship had come a little late.
She extracted her hand from his, a sharp pang of dismay jabbing at her heart.
'What is it?' Jonathon snapped. 'What's wrong?'
'Nothing…'
'Don't give me that, Sophia. Your face is an open book. What's suddenly worrying you?'
'I…I was wondering what I was going to do now?' she admitted unhappily. 'Where I was going to live?'
'Why, you'll go on living at Parnell Hall, of course!'
'There's no of course about it, Jonathon. All my reasons for coming to live with you are gone now. All your reasons for marrying me are similarly gone.'
'What nonsense you speak.' He stood up and began pacing around the room, clearly agitated. At last he ground to a halt, glaring over at her. Yesterday, she might have quailed under such a dark scowl. But now she knew Jonathon was nothing like she'd originally imagined. Underneath the wolf lived a lamb. Underneath the hard shell lay a tender heart.
'Mother would have my hide if you didn't come back to live with us. So would Maud. You light up the house, Sophia. You're like a spring day after the gloom of winter. You will not leave us. I command it!'
Sophia blinked her astonishment at Jonathon's passionate and almost poetic outburst.
'We will find you a job when you're fully recovered,' he swept on. 'Or, if you'd prefer, you might like to go to university and study something. Have you passed your HSC?'
Sophia nodded, though her pass was nothing to write home about. She might have done much better if Joe hadn't kept her away from school so much to help on the farm. She'd had more days off than anyone else in her class.
'That's settled then. I don't want to hear any more of this leaving nonsense. You must think me a heartless bastard if you would imagine I would turf you out at such a time. Good lord, Sophia, have some compassion for me before ever suggesting such a thing again. Think of what Wilma would do if she found out? My life wouldn't be worth living!'
Sophia gave him a watery smile which ended in a yawn, followed by a shuddering sigh of exhaustion.
Jonathon groaned. 'I'm being selfish, raving on when you must be dying to go to sleep. I was just trying to take your mind off things. You should have told me to shut up and get lost.'
She managed another weak smile. 'Shut up and get lost.'
He smiled, then came forward and bent over her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. 'Go to sleep now,' he murmured. 'And don't worry. I'll look after you. I promised Godfrey…'
CHAPTER SEVEN
'What a madhouse!' Wilma exclaimed. 'Anyone would
think it was Christmas tomorrow, instead of a full week away. Every man and his dog must be in Chatswood buying presents. I think we would have been better off going to a smaller shopping centre, Sophia. Oh, look, there's a coffee-lounge with some spare tables. Let's go and sit down for a while. I'm bushed.'
'Me too,' Sophia agreed. 'I didn't realise buying Jonathon a camera would be so difficult, or that they'd be so expensive.'
Sophia and Wilma angled their way over to a table against the wall and sat, happy to put their parcels down and rest their weary feet. A harried-looking waitress bustled over and was relieved when they only ordered iced coffee.
'You shouldn't have to worry about money, Sophia,' Wilma commented once the waitress moved off. 'Didn't Jonathon set you up with a special bank account for your everyday expenses?'
'Yes. Yes, he did. I have the book safely put away in a drawer in my bedroom.'
Wilma frowned. 'It sounds as if you haven't used it yet.'
'Well, no, I haven't. I haven't had any need. Jonathon's already bought me everything I could possibly want in the way of clothes and cosmetics. Maud keeps my bathroom cupboard stocked full of toiletries. Ivy insists on paying my way in whenever we go to the movies, and you always insist on paying for whatever we eat and drink every Saturday.'
It had become something of a ritual, her spending Saturday with Wilma. Sometimes they just went to Wilma's unit at Hornsby for lunch and a few hours' female chit-chat, but more often than not Sophia accompanied Wilma out shopping somewhere. Wilma, she decided, was a shopaholic.
'Frankly, Wilma, I'm not comfortable with the amount of money Jonathon's given me all round. It's far more than I expected even when I was having Godfrey's baby. I've been thinking about asking Jonathon if he wants some of it back again.'
'Good God, don't do that!' Wilma exclaimed. 'He'd be most annoyed. He likes thinking he's looked after you properly. He'd want you to spend some of the money, too.'
'But not to buy him his own Christmas present,' Sophia insisted. 'That wouldn't have felt right.'
'Then where on earth did you get the four hundred dollars you just spent on that camera?'
'I earnt it.'
'Earnt it? How?'
'Ironing.'
'Ironing?'
'Yes, I talked Maud into paying me to do what she usually sends out. Then I put pamphlets in the letterboxes down our street, undercutting the other local ironing services. I've got four regular clients already. I've been earning an average of a hundred and fifty dollars a week for the past month or so.'
Wilma was looking at her with appalled eyes. 'Does Jonathon know about this?'
'Of course not. And he's not going to. He'd probably have a pink fit.'
'Pink is not the colour I would choose to describe the sort of fit he would have,' Wilma said drily. 'You know, Sophia, I doubt you've ever seen Jonathon in one of his full-blown black rages, have you?'
'I've certainly seen him less than happy.'
'Not the same, I assure you.'
'I can't imagine the Jonathon of the last few months getting up the energy for a full-blown rage, be it black, pink or otherwise. What's wrong with him, Wilma? Is he still grieving the loss of Godfrey and Godfrey's child? I know Ivy is. She's like a wet blanket all the time. It's very depressing, really. Maud's the only one around the house who's ever cheerful. Sometimes, I feel quite cross with Jonathon and his mother. Don't they think I'm sad too, that I'm feeling the loss maybe more than they do? Ivy's moods I can perhaps tolerate. She's an old lady. But Jonathon should be big enough to snap out of it, yet he never smiles, never laughs. He only comes home to eat, work and sleep. When he has to talk, he's quite curt. And he's drinking like a fish. Maud's quite worried.'
'And you, Sophia?' Wilma said quietly. 'Are you worried? Do you really care what happens to Jonathon?'
'Of course I do! I care about Jonathon a lot. I just wish he really cared about me in return. I thought we'd come to an understanding the night I lost Godfrey's baby. He was incredibly sweet to me that night, Wilma, and amazingly supportive. I thought…' She shook her head in a type of confusion. 'Oh I don't know what I thought except that I was so pleased— and relieved—that we'd finally become friends. Godfrey would have wanted that. But now… now I can see I'll never be Jonathon's friend. I'm his responsibility, that's all. And that's all I'll ever be.'
'Oh, I wouldn't say that…'
Wilma's drily knowing tone startled Sophia and she was about to say something when their iced coffee arrived. It rather broke the moment, though it gave Sophia a few seconds to think about what Wilma might be implying. The answer to such a speculation had Sophia's breath catching in her throat. Wide eyes found Wilma's cool grey ones across the table. Wilma's smile was just as cool.
'I see you've finally opened your eyes in more ways than one. I've been wondering how long it would take.'
'But… but that's crazy, Wilma! Jonathon's not attracted to me at all, and I… I… I'm still in love with Godfrey,' she finished in a panicky rush.
'I'm so glad you didn't he and say you weren't attracted to Jonathon,' Wilma returned drily. 'A girl would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to be attracted to him. The man is exceptionally good-looking and as sexy as all get-out.'
Sophia stared at Jonathon's secretary. Had she been wrong all this time? Was Wilma secretly in love with her boss?
'No,' Wilma drawled. 'I'm not in love with Jonathon. He's far too young for me. And far too physical. Frankly, I like much older men, ones who prefer a woman's brain to her body.' She smiled at Sophia's ongoing shock. 'But you, Sophia, are another matter. You're a beautiful girl. And very physical too. I refuse to believe that your youthful hormones haven't been responding to Jonathon on a purely sexual level. As for Jonathon… if you think he's not attracted to that lush, nubile young body of yours then think again, my dear. I would imagine his moods of late are nothing to do with grief and everything to do with frustration.'
Sophia bent her head abruptly and sucked up some iced coffee into her straw. She desperately needed some cooling down, not to mention some time to think. Perhaps there was some truth in what Wilma was saying. She'd always admired Jonathon's looks, and there had been a couple of moments when she'd felt drawn to him, especially when she'd been emotionally vulnerable.
But on a purely sexual level? No, she couldn't honestly say her feelings for him had been that. As for Jonathon's being attracted to her… She'd already accepted that that was a possibility in a superficial sense, but she doubted she was the cause of his losing sleep at nights. He'd been taking his little trips away on a regular basis over the past three months. There was no reason whatsoever for him to be suffering from frustration.
His suffering, she believed, was something entirely different, something deeper, something very private and personal.
Her mind turned to Jonathon's ex-wife for the first time in months. She'd never asked Maud about the woman as she'd once meant to, the loss of Godfrey's baby having consumed her thoughts and feelings for a long, long time. Now her curiosity was piqued again.
'Tell me about Charmaine, Wilma. What was she like?'
'The most strikingly beautiful woman I've ever seen on first viewing. But the closer you looked, the less perfect she seemed. She was all flash and flesh, if you know what I mean. Masses of golden-blonde hair, a Miss America smile, big boobs, long legs. Real Penthouse Pet material. Not dumb, though. Behind the blonde bimbo image was a mind as smart as a whip. She played Jonathon like a fish and landed him good and proper. He was besotted right up to the day he found out the truth.'
'Which was?'
Wilma frowned. 'Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, though Jonathon can't possibly think I don't know. If you're going to air dirty linen in your office with your secretary seated right outside, then you should keep your voice down.'
'Wilma, don't drag this out. Just tell me what she did.'
'She was taking the Pill. That's what she did.'
Sophia must have looked
as blank as she felt.
Wilma sighed. 'Apparently, Jonathon and Charmaine had been trying for a baby since the day they were married. When Charmaine hadn't conceived after a year or so, she'd pretended to be concerned, pretended to have herself checked out and cleared. She even had Jonathon go for tests. The day his tests came back showing he was potent as a stud ram, he rang Charmaine's doctor to see what else he could do to help her conceive.'
'And the doctor told him she was on the Pill?'
'Well no, not straight out. He wouldn't be able to do that. But his initial confusion over Jonathon's questions must have bothered Jonathon and when Charmaine dropped by later to take him to lunch-that was the sort of thing she did—he tackled her about his suspicions. Under intense and very loud questioning, she finally admitted to having taken the Pill all along. At that point, Jonathon totally lost it. He called her all sorts of names, at which she screamed at him that she had never had any intention of ever spoiling her figure by having any brats and that he was a fool to want her to.'
Sophia grimaced.
'She capped it all off by saying that having a baby would have spoilt their sex-life, then made the fatal mistake of also claiming she loved him too much to do that. Jonathon told her in no uncertain terms that she had no concept of what real love was all about, after which he warned her that when he came home to Parnell Hall that night, she'd better not be there. She came storming out of his office threatening to take him to the cleaners. Jonathon threw after her that he'd be only too happy to give her whatever she wanted just to get rid of her so that he could start feeling clean again.'
Sophia was shaking her head. 'Poor Jonathon. He must have felt very bitter at being deceived like that. He obviously loved her very much to react so strongly.'
'Yes, Charmaine certainly left her mark on him.'
'I dare say she's why he vowed never to marry again,' Sophia murmured.
'But he did marry again,' Wilma pointed out. 'He married you.'
'Oh, but that's different.'
'Yes, it was. But it needn't be, Sophia. You could make it a real marriage if you wanted to. You could offer to give Jonathon the family he's always wanted. He wouldn't turn you down. I'm certain of it.'
