Rage boils inside me, eating me up on the inside. I can’t believe this is happening. It can’t. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
“You knew about this?” I ask.
“N-no,” she says, her eyebrows raised. “I just realize now that it might’ve been why I was eating so much and vomiting all the time.”
“I thought you said you were on the pill!”
“I am, and this wasn’t …”
“This wasn’t what?”
“Oh God …” She puts her hand in front of her mouth.
I clench the railing so hard I can almost hear it snap.
“That night in the car.”
“What about it?”
“I forgot.”
Oh, fuck me. This can’t really be happening. She forgot the fucking pill?
“I didn’t bring it with me. That must be why … I’m sorry, Hunter. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Of course you didn’t!” I let go of the railing and stomp through the room to release my anger. Nothing helps. I can’t let this go.
“I wasn’t expecting to have sex in the middle of nowhere, no! And why are you blaming this all on me? You were the one who seduced me.”
“You could’ve said something. I had condoms.”
“Well, I forgot, okay! It’s not all my responsibility.”
I let out a roar of frustration. “Why? Fucking why?”
“Jesus, Hunter, stop acting like an asshole. It happened, okay? I’m pregnant. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything about that.” She sighs, slapping her hand to her forehead. “Oh God … Pregnant? But my college … and my future … and graduation … and oh God, Dad.”
Her eyes are starting to get glazy, and I’m fighting hard not to feel. I don’t want to feel anything right now. I’m fucking dying inside.
She doesn’t understand. Nobody does. I cannot be a father.
It’s not a matter of wanting or willing. It’s a matter of inability.
Tears flow richly down her face now. My heart is tearing apart. She opens her mouth, a sob coming out. “I’m sorry I’m having your freaking baby.”
That’s it. I can’t stay here any longer. The more I hear about this, the more I’m freaked out. Baby. That word. I cannot stand it.
So I grab my jacket and walk out the door, slamming it shut behind me.
I’m an asshole, a fucking bastard, but I need this time alone right now. I need to think and get my mind straight. I’m overwhelmed by emotions I can’t place, and I need to figure out a way to deal with it. I’m fucking pissed off at myself and at her, and I don’t want to be. This shouldn’t have happened. It was all a mistake.
As I walk to the exit of the hospital I spot my brother at a vending machine. I try to take a different route, but when his head turns and his eyes lock with mine, I know I’m too late. He frowns and tucks the candy in his pocket, walking toward me.
“Leave me alone,” I say, barging to the exit as fast as I can.
“What happened? What did the doctor tell you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say. Talking only brings up the bad thoughts that I don’t want to feel.
Jessie grabs my arm to stop me, but I jerk loose. “You can’t leave her alone like this.”
I shrug, not listening to what he says. I know I’m a fucking jerk for leaving her, and I know she needs me, but I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t even deal with myself right now.
“Whatever,” he says. “Be a fucking asshole. I’m staying here to support your girlfriend.”
“You don’t know what happened, so don’t you fucking judge me!” I yell, walking backward while flipping him the finger.
Jessie waves it away and turns around, going back to her room.
I don’t care. I’m out of here. I need fresh air to breathe, and maybe a bottle of whiskey so I can drown myself with it. Alcohol has always been my enemy, but today is the only day I actually consider getting wasted.
Fuck me.
Outside, I brush my fingers through my hair and grit my teeth, unable to stop the fury from whirring inside me. I kick the wall in a flash of rage, punching it with my fist to let out my anger. I’m grunting from the pain, but the physical pain I can handle. The emotional pain I cannot.
Some doctors and nurses are gaping at me, talking to each other while staring at me with frowns on their faces. Kicking the walls of the hospital probably isn’t such a great idea when there are people watching. I don’t want to be reported to the police, so I turn around and make a run for it.
CHAPTER 23
LOST
Hunter
Jogging to the nearest park, I sit down on a bench and drop my head between my shoulders. With my elbows on my knees, I support my head, peering down at the ground. My heart is beating like crazy, and sweat beads roll down my face and neck. Birds are the only thing keeping me company right now, and the silence is as calming as it is nerve-wracking. Fear is taking over as I tremble in place. The words the doctor said repeat over and over in my head.
Pregnant. She’s pregnant. We’re having a baby.
I’m going to be a father.
I can’t be a father.
Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. Not because of the kid. Not because of her. Not because I don’t want it, but because I’m not fit to be one. I’m a fucking mess, someone who breaks people’s bones for a living, someone who failed at college, someone whose brain is fried. I’m not father material.
The responsibility alone is enough to freak me out. How will I ever be able to take care of a kid? There needs to be enough money, a good, stable home, a family who loves the kid. I know from my own experience all of that is hard to come by.
I came from a place that I couldn’t even call a home. A father who was never there. A drunk, coke-addicted mother who brought back men to fuck for money so she could fulfill her cravings. A brother who had to solve it all, and ended up wasting his life with a gang and in jail so he could take care of me.
It’s shattered me. It’s torn me to pieces to watch everyone I ever cared about screw up. No one should have to feel that way. Nobody should ever have to go through what I had to go through.
I know what it’s like to grow up in a fucked-up home. I don’t want to do this to my kid.
Terrifying. That’s what it is. I’m terrified, because I know who I am and where I came from, and that I can’t offer this kid anything but misery.
I wipe away a tear that has formed in my eye. I left her alone in there. I can’t believe this is happening, and I can’t believe what I’m thinking, but I can’t deny it either. A part of me wonders if we should keep it or not.
She must think I’m a monster.
Suddenly someone approaches me, and I lift my head. It’s Jaret.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Your brother called in some back-up,” he says with a smirk.
“Oh …” I say, wiping my nose on my sleeve. “Well, I don’t need any help.”
“Oh, yes you do. If your brother calls me, I know things are definitely wrong.” He sits down next to me. “So. What happened?”
I shake my head and turn away, unable to look him in the eye because I feel like a fucking failure right now. Saying I should never have fucked her without a condom is a cheap, low blow, but still it crosses my mind.
Jaret grabs my knee and squeezes. “Tell me or I’ll smack you.”
I laugh a bit, even though I don’t want to. “Fuck you,” I say jokingly.
“No, thanks. I’m not into that sort of thing. My asshole has a sign on it that says exit only.”
I laugh harder, rolling my eyes. “What do you want, Jaret? Can’t you see I’m kind of in the middle of something?”
“You’re overthinking things, isolating yourself instead of talking about it.”
“What’s there to talk about? I’m a fucking asshole, and I don’t like admitting that type of shit, so I’d rather leave and think about it by my
self.”
“But does it actually help?” He leans forward. “Tell me, did you really solve your problem?”
“No …” I sigh, leaning back in the bench.
“So … What happened? Why are we at a hospital?”
“She was bleeding,” I say, plucking at the leaves hanging from the tree above me.
His eyes widen. “Is she okay?”
“That depends on what you call okay.”
“If you want me to help you, you have to let me in on it, Hunter.”
“I didn’t ask you to help me.”
Jaret sighs loudly. “Listen up, dude. You’re fucking up your relationship. That much I can tell. Your brother wouldn’t call me if it wasn’t because of the fact that you’re in dire need of help. Now c’mon and fucking tell me!”
“She’s pregnant, all right?” I yell, silencing him completely.
His mouth is wide open, his eyes big, and he seems in shock. “Are you serious?”
“No, it’s a joke. Yes, I’m fucking serious!” I rip the leaves off the tree and squash them in my hand.
“Oh … fuck …”
“Yeah, that was my response too.”
“That explains it,” he says. “Jesus … you guys are having a baby.”
“Don’t … say that word, please …”
“Why not?” He frowns, then raises his eyebrows. “Oh, now I get it. That’s what’s wrong. You don’t want it.”
“I don’t fucking know.” I throw the leaves away and sink back in the bench. “I don’t know what I fucking want. It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s not right for that kid.”
“So? What are you going to do now?” Jaret asks.
“Like I know. I’m so fucking confused right now. One part of me wants to ask her to terminate it. Another part … doesn’t want to do that to her. Besides … maybe …” I swallow away the words because I’m too scared to say them. Is there even a possibility?
“You know … that girl has changed you for the better. I’ve seen it.”
“I know.”
“And it’d be a shame if you lost her.”
“What are you trying to say?” I turn my head toward him.
“Just that you’d better think hard about this. Maybe consider the fact that she might be the only one for you.” He licks his lips for a second. “You have a chance to make your life better with her. Having a kid might not be the end of the world. You’d have a chance to make things right.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I know you’re having trouble because of the fact that your parents weren’t real parents. That’s what’s stopping you from accepting this. That’s what’s making you think that you can’t handle this.”
I sigh. “I can’t … Do I look like a fucking dad to you?”
“Just because you don’t look like one right now, doesn’t mean you can’t become one.” He puts his arm around me and drags me closer for a bro-hug. “Look, you’d be fucking crazy if you let her go, and trust me, she won’t forgive you if you do. I know she won’t want to get rid of the baby.”
“How would you know?”
“I know girls. Just trust me on this.” He winks. “Bottom line is that you can’t turn your back on her. You need her as much as she needs you. Am I right?” He nudges me and I nod.
“I don’t want this to tear us apart …”
“Then don’t let it. What are you so afraid of, huh? Do you really think you can’t be a dad? That’s all inside you.” He presses his finger onto my chest. “You have the power to change yourself. You have it in you to make this work. Don’t let your past control you. Like I said, it’s not who you are. Your actions show who you are.”
“But I’m a fucking mess! I fight for a living. I’m not in college, I don’t have a degree, and my brain is wasted. How can I fucking raise a kid?”
“You’ll find a way.”
I sigh, plucking at the tree again. When I think about it, all I want is her. I don’t want to lose her, not at any cost. But I don’t want to stay with her just because of a kid either. It’s not a question of love. I know I’ll love that kid to death, especially if it’s hers. The problem is that the baby’s mine, too. That he comes from my gene pool, that all my mistakes and problems are inside that baby, too.
Can I live with that? Can I live with the fact that I ruined this kid from the get go?
“You’re a good guy, Hunter. If you give that kid a good home, and a loving family, he will be okay. Your history doesn’t affect that.”
“But am I good enough? Can I really do this? I don’t want to mess this up, and a kid is something too precious to mess up.”
“You won’t. I know you won’t. You won’t let that happen.”
“How do you know?”
“Because that’s who you are. Contrary to what you may believe, you are a good person. You fight for the right things and you work hard for everything you want. You give so much to people without asking anything in return. And your girlfriend loves you like no other. You’ll make it through.” Jaret looks at me, then brings his hand up to my head and ruffles my hair.
“Fucking quit it already!” I chuckle.
“No, not until you agree. Don’t you dare say that you don’t want this kid. I can see it in your eyes that you do. You’re just scared, that’s all.”
“Shhh …” I say, feeling embarrassed.
“As long as you take good care of her and that kid, things will be okay. That baby will have the greatest father in the world.”
“You really think so?” I ask as he releases me from his grip.
He pats me on the back and lets go of me. “I’m two hundred percent sure.”
I smirk from his comment, but my smile quickly fades. That little spark that ignited in my heart just now when Jaret said he thinks I’d make a great father also fuels the fear. If I really do this … if I’m really becoming a dad … I want to put my all into it. I might be a fucked-up guy, but if I’m the one screwing things up, I’ll be damned if I’m not the one who fixes it. I made her pregnant. I should be there to help her get through this. We’ll make it work, somehow.
For some reason, the thought of being a dad doesn’t sound so awkward anymore. I’ve had some time to think about it now, and I realize that this isn’t something I can change. What’s done is done, and I should focus on the future. A future where I have a kid with Leafy.
She’s the one. I know she is. I’ve known it ever since I met her. Our connection is undeniable and I’ve never felt before what I feel with her. My desire to stay with her is greater than all the shit in the world I have to go through.
To put her through the pain of leaving her, or having to ask her to terminate the baby, would be to cut out my own heart. I can’t do it. Ever.
I must face whatever happens now and be someone who I never thought I could be. I have to be what my father, and my mother, couldn’t be for me. I can be better. I’ll make it happen.
Glancing at Jaret, I inhale and exhale deeply, coming to terms with what has happened and what I have to do. Who I have to become for the sake of others. For the sake of myself.
“Thank you,” I say after a while. I genuinely mean it. Even though I didn’t want him to be here, he was. He didn’t put me down, didn’t make me feel like shit, but actually helped me get through this. And I really do owe him.
“Don’t mention it.” He smiles at me. “You know what you’re gonna do now?”
I clear my throat and nod. “I’m gonna become a dad.” The moment that word slips out of my mouth a stupid grin slowly works its way onto my face. Jaret laughs and throws his arm around me again, squeezing the life out of me.
“Fucking pro-MMA kickass dad!” he muses.
“We’ll have to see about that,” I say, taking his arm off me.
“You’ll do fine.”
“Hmm … first, I have to go see my girlfriend, and it’s not gonna be pretty.”
“Oh … you mean the groveling and begging?”
he asks jokingly.
I raise an eyebrow and nod silently. Jaret bursts out into laughter.
“Okay, that’s about enough Dr. Phil for me,” I say, getting up from the bench.
“Good. I was getting tired of convincing you to man the fuck up.”
I punch him in the shoulder and he yelps. “Says the sissy.”
“Thanks, dude.”
“Don’t mention it,” I say, winking, and I walk back to the hospital.
“You go make up with her. I don’t want to find you anywhere else but near her, you got that?” he yells.
“Loud and clear.”
Walking back into the hospital, I can only think of one thing. Only my girl. She’s the only one on my mind right now, the girl of my dreams. I’m lucky to have her. That I can call her mine. And now she’s even pregnant with our baby.
Ours.
Totally and completely ours.
CHAPTER 24
OURS
Autumn
When Hunter ran out my heart shattered into a million tiny bits. It feels like he abandoned me, and worse, it feels like he blames me for everything. It makes me feel guilty, because I know I forgot the pill, but it’s not just my fault I got pregnant. Sex is something you do together, and he’s just as much responsible for this.
It’s like he doesn’t want it at all. Like all of this is unwanted.
His brother came into the room right after he left, and of course when he saw the look on my face he immediately hugged me. I’ve been in his arms ever since, crying my eyes out because I feel so freaking stupid. And hurt. And scared. Shit, I’m so scared.
There’s a baby growing inside me. What do I do?
Jessie pats my back as he rocks me back and forth in the bed, soothing me, trying to calm me down. I’m still crying, but not as much as before. It’s nice that I have his shoulder to lean on now that Hunter’s not here. It should’ve been him, though. He should have been here to support me so we can work this out together.
Instead I’m left alone with all the horrible thoughts swirling through my head.
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