My mind was unfamiliar with all the choices or lack of choices I had to make in a few seconds.
I’m a woman at the pinnacle of her sexual prime. I have finally discovered my true sexual happiness. A sexy beautiful woman I hear, why else is he with me and not someone else? I consoled myself not wanting to know the truth.
My insecurity was killing me!
My face is soft with a natural blush. Steven says I am alluring, and that I have a drop-dead gorgeous body. I have always been pretty, easy on the eyes, attracting many different types of men. I guess you could say every man’s type. I have honey brown eyes and long dark brown full hair. My voice is easy on the ear. I never show my impatience for people or things that displease me. I laugh easily and cry when I’m sad.
I glanced once more at the man whom I love and desire; should I tell him I think I’m not right for him and leave? Should I just steal away with the sound of his voice singing in my mind?
I remembered a poem by Robert Burns, a poem he recited when I first met him in New York, just before we made love, and later when he fell to his knees and asked me to marry him. I laughed with pleasure to see this beautiful young man make a fool of himself.
O my Luve’s like a red, red rose,
That’s newly sprung in June:
O my Luve’s like the melodie,
That’s sweetly play’d in tune.
I rose to leave the bed, and my love reached over to touch me, to give security that I was still at his side. I fell into his eyes and I drowned in his lips once more when he reached to kiss me.
“Where are you going?” He questioned. “You’re not taking another shower I hope. You take more showers than anyone I ever met.”
Danny didn’t know that the showers were a way to erase my pain. Every soothing water drop erased a memory of Mike. “No Danny, I’m closing the curtains.”
“Get back in bed. We have all day,” he insisted half asleep. “I miss you when your body is not near me. I want to feel your warmth, and I like your smell.”
“I miss you too, Danny,” I admitted, holding back tears.
“I haven’t finished what I started, we have all day and I have something special for you,” he repeated. He smiled and flashed those wonderful teeth that kept me fixed and motionless whenever he spoke. When I look into his eyes and his mouth, I can’t move. I’m hypnotized.
I waited long enough to relieve his apprehension of me not being close to him. I lulled him into a false sleep. I wrapped myself in his jacket and held it close, to smell his scent.
I stared at the handsome young man dreaming of me; then I sneaked out of the room, and out of his life like a thief, wandering around, place to place, taking valuables, using them, and discarding them at will, because I didn’t pay a price for their acquisition.
He gave his love to me easily I rationalized. Why else would I do such a thing? I didn’t like myself at the time, so I couldn’t understand why he would love me.
I moved like a cat in the night, not wanting to be seen and too quick to capture. I cried and shivered as if I had lost a thousand years and had only one day left on this earth.
I walked out on Danny, and I said words he did not hear, I said words that danced in my mind and left my body weak. I spoke the ending to his favorite Burns’s poem as he lie sleeping wrapped in my scent.
And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!
And fare-thee-weel, awhile!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho’ ‘twere ten thousand mile!
I knew I wouldn’t be back, because I’m a coward, and I couldn’t face that he might see me differently. I walked out of his life into a life I had constructed before I met him. I walked back into looking for what I had already found and leaving what I could not face—having him replace me with another woman one day.
* * * *
How am I to go on? How am I to manage the hours of the day? As I stole from my life and Danny’s, I walked out the door of our room into the elevator of the Wynn Hotel.
I was a Dead Man Walking. I had to walk through the casino, past shops and restaurants, and a maze of people to get to the taxi stand. It was the longest walk of my life. That instant my phone began to ring and all my fears appeared. What should I do? Should I answer the phone? “Come on stupid,” a voice played in my head. That’s not Danny’s ring. No, it wasn’t Danny. It was my friend Heather.
“Hi, Heather, what’s up?” I tried to sound like my usual self, but I spoke devoid of feelings, empty. I prayed my voice wouldn’t reveal my true emotions.
“What’s with you, you sound different. How was your night with Danny?”
“What do you mean?” I replied tense and annoyed.
I just sentenced myself to years of endless heartache and pain, I thought. “It sucked,” I whispered into the phone.
“You mean you finally sucked his…” Heather shouted in sheer joy.
“That’s none of your business!” I shouted as I cut her off. I couldn’t believe I said that, because Heather knew everything about me. I have truly lost my sense of humor.
“Listen here missy, don’t get fresh with me,” Heather said in a restrained voice.
Heather a great friend, educated, well spoken, and always positive. She could see the good in everyone and she never met a man she didn’t like. That was until she met Mike. She could make you laugh and cry in an instance with her views of the world.
Heather a shy hearty woman, who lived vicariously through my exploits, and always thought I was the most courageous woman ever, but little did she realize I was nothing but a coward hiding behind a charade of beautiful clothes, education, and going to the gym to mitigate physical aging—which time would eventually steal.
“I’m sorry, I’m feeling sick,” I explained.
“You are pregnant.” “Oh MY God! Oh My God! You are!” Shouted Heather, caught up in blind ecstasy.
“Shut up for a moment and listen! I’m not pregnant.”
“Oh,” stated Heather with a disappointed sigh.
“Listen! Listen! I have left Danny.”
“You mean you left to take a swim, to get a massage.”
“No!” I shouted. “I left him for good.”
“Did Danny do something or say something? No he wouldn’t,” she said answering her own question. “He’s not that kind of man. What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything!” I screamed, not caring who was listening.
“You must have done something,” she stated accusingly.
“Look I can’t talk to you. Bye.”
“Sydney don’t hang up. You need to talk to someone.”
Heather’s words didn’t reach my ears in time, because my mind was booming with my thoughts. I turned the phone off. I didn’t see the hundreds of tourist, or hear the impressive handsome Frenchman engage me in a conversation about the weather, as I stood in line waiting for a taxi. I vaguely remembered anything at the time. I thought it was a dream. I didn’t feel the heat of the morning sun scourer my body, turning my face and skin tan until I resembled the girls on the beaches of Brazil.
As I rode to the airport to make my getaway, suddenly jealousy overtook me. I began to conjure up all sort of insane ideas.
What if he met some hot young woman, a showgirl, a party girl, and made love to her to ease his pain? What if she made him feel like I could never make him feel, and he could forget me. What if I can’t take the heartache and pain I have decided to put myself through? What if I decide to go back to him? Will he forgive me for leaving?
“Why are you thinking about that now stupid?” I shouted into the air wanting to scream and rush back before he wakes and discover I’m gone. How will he feel when he discovers that I ran out on him? I questioned myself and the answers wouldn’t come.
The cabbie began to look in his mirror, because he thought he had an insane woman in his mist. Between the crying and the conversations, I pretty much was insane. I’m insane to leave a man that could promise me the wo
rld and deliver.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I acted on an impulse to flee a situation I couldn’t control. I’ve always been a woman with confidence, who trusted herself, and her decisions. I have made the right decision I thought, trying to find an answer to my riddle.
Danny said he was attracted to me because I was the picture of strength and confidence. Yeah, right! What man looks at a woman and says, “Oh I like her confidence? Well look at me now, a crazy woman talking to herself and too stupid to figure out what everyone around me has— the beautiful, poised, and confident woman is an idiot!” I whispered.
People sense desperation, and I’m a person that could never hide my feelings. The cab driver saw it on my face and said, “Miss calm down, you look like you’ve been to a funeral, it’s going to be all right. Did you lose a lot in Vegas?”
I never answered him, because I lost more than he could imagine, and I would have told him my life story.
I knew I couldn’t go back to New York for now, and the magazine would have to function without me. I flew to Houston to get my footing and renew myself.
I needed someone that could ease the pain I created within my soul!
Chapter 2
A night out in Houston—One year before
When do illusion and reality collide? Is it possible to have both or maybe the two ideas can’t occupy the same space? The reality of life caught up with me. I made a bad decision, and now I had to pay the price. This time I left all the illusions behind and tried to live in the real world.
* * * *
Robert was a friend whom I met shortly after Mike died. He was a lawyer and had been divorced for a few years. I met him on a double date with acquaintances from work, Zack and Allyson. I knew in an instant that Zack was interested in Allyson, and physically, I was attracted to Robert, Allyson’s date. Robert was a fine deliciously handsome man; yet that did not prevent his wife from wanting another man. He is tall and easygoing, but he had the misfortune of his wife leaving him for the doctor next door.
The way doctors’ lives are structured, I’m surprised they have the time. Maybe that’s what they do when we are waiting in those cold, silent, lifeless, waiting rooms—seduce their next door neighbor’s wives.
Allyson, a young woman of thirty, full of gossip, said Roberts’ wife and the doctor ran away when Robert was at a conference in San Francisco. Robert devastated and broken before I met him, tried to date with not much success.
Zack and I met Robert and Allyson at an Italian restaurant in Houston that served wonderful food. The décor was expensive and the food was pricy. You could tell Robert had a desire and appreciation for the best food, wine, and women.
Allyson loved to give the appearance that she was a young woman of means and therefore required a man of the same distinction.
Deception appears to be the mask people are wearing when they aren’t wearing the mask of perception.
The entire evening Robert was gazing at me, and Allyson eyed my date. She had radar for money. Allyson gestured that we run to the restroom to size up our dates and make adjustments. Her tactics were straight out of high school.
As we entered the restroom, “Sydney, I’m a little uncomfortable with Robert because he’s so tall,” she said trying to manipulate me. Allyson was five feet one and Robert was six two the same height as Danny, but he was a visual contrast to Danny. Robert dressed in suits and Danny preferred jeans and tees. Danny would only wear a suit on special occasions—a modeling shoot where the attire is provided.
“I think Robert is so good looking, and his height is an asset,” I said smiling.
Allyson was the kind of person who didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but her own. She was ready to ditch Robert for my short rich date. It was all about money with Allison. Money turned her on, because she didn’t have any. She was dirt poor as a child and never wanted to want for anything again.
Her dating objectives were clear—date rich, marry rich, and live happily ever after, no matter who she had to fuck. She had that mantra in college. She would seduce any man and kiss a frog until she found her prince—the one who would support her in the fashion that she dreamed.
She met many of her dates at the strip club where she danced nightly to pay for college. The men wanted her to live with them, but they never mentioned marriage.
“Allyson, it’s not a problem with me, but wouldn’t the guys mind, especially Robert?
“Don’t worry about Robert, I saw the way he was looking at you,” she explained convincingly.
“Let me handle everything,” she said as she threw her long blond hair to the side and strutted like a stripper preparing for her night on the pole.
The way Allyson operated reminded me of my years with Mike and his sexual manipulations. Allyson handled the exchange of partners like a butcher welding a knife—sharpened to perfection and cutting with precision.
Robert appeared delighted with the exchange, because he did not appear to care for women who drank too much. Allyson was close to a drunk or better, which did not bother Zack in the least. Allyson coyly exchanged chairs. Robert and I became a lonely pair.
Robert offered to drive me to my hotel, which was an hour’s drive to the Woodlands from the restaurant. It was a long ride, but Robert didn’t seem to mind. He acted as if he had nothing better to do.
“How long are you going to be in town?”
“I don’t know, I came to spend time with my family.”I just didn’t want to stay too close to home. I needed to see some college friends,” I said.
“Oh, Zack is a guy from college?” He asked trying to learn more about me.
“No, he is an editor for the magazine that employs me. He’s also one of the owners.”
“You’re a writer? That’s interesting. Can I read some of your writing?”
“Yes all you have to do is pick up the W.O.W. magazine.
“I think I will. We’re here,” he said a little disappointed and surprised at how fast we arrived at the Marriott.
Robert appeared to be a lonely man; a man who seemed to have everything, but you could see he was a man that wasn’t loved. His face was sad even when he tried to smile. He reminded me of myself now. So I invited him to my room for more conversation and a drink.
Robert and I became great friends over that one night. I knew we were getting close and I didn’t want to get too close to any man soon after a divorce.
He is handsome, available, just the right age, a man in his thirties, but I wasn’t interested. I needed to see the world and I needed to grow up. I needed to experience more men to find out what life was about, so I moved to New York. I got what I needed.
* * * *
A Year Later
After leaving Danny, I’m now in Houston to find Robert again, to stave off the love withdrawal. I called Robert on his home phone hoping he was still single. He answered, and agreed to meet me in the Woodlands at the same hotel.
Robert drove up in a new convertible Mercedes. He met me with an air of sophistication and confidence, something I did not see before. There were plenty of signs I didn’t see or recognize. He was like a neon sign flashing at a cheap motel on a cold, rainy, lonely night—welcome.
“Sydney, you look wonderful. How did I let you get away from me?”
“Robert you look great too.” His eyes follow my every move, and then he hugged me and gave me a burning kiss. After we concluded complimenting each other, he asked me to come to his home and stay as long as I wanted. I took him up on his invitation that very night.
Robert had an enormous home in the River Oaks section of Houston. It sat alone on two acres of property, spacious, expensive, and empty. His house had been empty of furniture and romance since his wife’s departure. She took most of the furniture, including their bed. That must have been a blow to him. What kind of woman takes a man’s bed to sleep with another man?
I eased some of his pain by telling him that I would help him furnish his home. He thought that
this was an encouraging sign. I wasn’t being nice, I needed a place to hide, and I hid away hoping no one would find me.
I made myself comfortable and found a room that had a beautiful sleigh bed down the hallway from Robert’s bedroom. He still slept in the room he shared with his wife. I think he was holding on to a dream the way I was still holding on to Danny, even as I proceeded to shatter my life.
Robert was happy to come home to find me waiting for him every day. Here I go again stealing a heart and hiding it for later. I had become such a thief of the mind and spirit that I did not know that I was stealing from myself.
Robert didn’t ask for love or sex, he said he just enjoyed me being with him. I spent my time cooking and writing. I called Zack to tell him I needed time off from my job, and he gave me all the time necessary, besides, Zack owned the magazine and he owed me a favor. I introduced him to Allyson and I hear they’re getting married.
Living at Robert’s home no more than a month, I began to feel nauseous, light headed and weak. Every smell made me dizzy. Every thought of Danny made me sick. I felt I had some incurable disease and I was dying of a broken heart. I convinced myself to go to a doctor to take some test. I drove to the nearest medical center in Houston to see a physician friend of Robert.
I didn’t know what was wrong. I walked into the office feeling a sense of freedom, but sick. I was sure it was some kind of flu. In Texas there is always flu, the Hong Kong flu, Bird flu, you take your choice.
It had been a month since I walked out on Danny and everything I wanted in life. I didn’t want to think about Danny. I didn’t want to talk to Danny. I wanted space and time, which Robert gave in abundance. I felt so sick every time I thought about Danny, so I chose not to think. I was in denial and I was happy to postpone the inevitable, thinking and talking to Danny.
Heather was the only person I confided in; I didn’t want anyone to think I had been abducted. Tracy from New York called to tell Heather to contact me, because Danny was going crazy looking for me. He hired an investigator to track me down. However, I knew it would be almost impossible to find me because we were so busy talking about sex when he was away and having sex when he came to New York, that he knew little about my family and I knew even less about him—we were only into each other.
Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts Page 3
