One day Danny and Jeremy came from school to find his mother packing. She told Danny that she was taking his younger brother, and that she would be back for him soon.
Danny waited and waited for her and Jeremy to return, but they never did. Danny asked his father to find her; he said he was happy that she wasn’t around. His father did not care that she had gone, but Danny felt the absence; it left a hole in his spirit.
Sadness overtook Danny, and he began to act out. He first started to smoke, and then he began to hang out with friends—drinking. He was only sixteen. Nevertheless, he knew of others who began abusing themselves at twelve with liquor and drugs. He knew some of these kids and wondered how he could face his father if he allowed himself to take drugs. Besides, his father would beat him senseless if he suspected drugs. Drinking was something that was harmless, his father said, because his father was drunk most of the time.
Danny lost himself after ending his job at the market and then finding one at the shipyard along with his father. He would drink all night, and go to school, then work at the shipyard with a hangover. He spent the remainder of the time dreaming of becoming a movie star. He would pretend he was this exciting and handsome actor. As he looked into the mirror, he could see that he could become someone, if he could only get to the United States.
His vision was to have a wife and children one day. He would never do anything to hurt his wife where she would leave him and the children. He began to plan his life and save money for the day when he would be able to leave Scotland. As Danny became eighteen, he walked around searching for jobs as an actor. A friend informed him about an audition, and he rushed to it. His first acting job was on stage where all he did was carry around a spear as a guard in a production of Hamlet. Nevertheless, after coming to rehearsal late on two occasions, the director fired him; he was saddened at the lost of his first acting job.
Finally, Danny found a production where he had one speaking part in a play. That led to a major role. He worked in that play for two years before that ended. He secured small movie parts and he was able to get a small stipend. He was twenty and now he had enough money to get to the states; so he and a fellow actor, who dreamed together, found themselves in New York in a friend’s small studio apartment.
Danny searched around New York for an agent, but agents wouldn’t see him, because he had done very little acting. Danny worked in restaurants and bars at night, then, during the day, he went on auditions. He landed a part in a small movie that got into the Sundance festival, which got him an agent. The agent sent him on auditions for a part in a movie filming in Manhattan.
* * * *
Filming had begun, and as he waited for his scenes, he turned to look around; he spied a beautiful woman with honey brown eyes and tan skin the color of bronze. He thought that was unusual for this climate. New York was as cold as Scotland in December.
Danny stood and watched her. She noticed him. He felt a warm feeling come over his body. He saw the shine of her hair as it moved when she was talking. He looked at her bee-stung lips, full, luscious, and envisioned her kissing his body. She looked up and he gazed into her eyes, and he felt a charge of electricity that hits the body and soul, and sends signals of attraction. He felt it. He was sure she could feel it too. In an instant, he saw in her eyes the life he dreamed!
Yet, he didn’t think a woman of such sophistication and beauty would talk to a man like him—a poor actor, working as an extra. Nevertheless, he wouldn’t let that stop him from trying to find out whether she would be interested in his kind. He knew that he was working class and poor. He knew that he was an extra, and she had the look and feel of something more; besides, he was in the U. S., where any dream that you dream can come true if you work hard and you are lucky.
He was a hard worker, but he had never been lucky, especially in the matters of the heart. He never met anyone he wanted to invest his heart in, until now.
He made that investment with his mother and brother and look where he is—all alone in a strange country. He didn’t have time to dwell on his life’s failures. He stood confronted with the most beautiful woman he ever met. She wore a reserved smile when she spoke, and the way she holds her hands and crosses her legs appeared to be so elegant, Danny thought.
Fascinated by this woman, he knew he had to speak to her. He mustered his courage of youth and walked in her direction. He walked closer to her as she sat in a chair engaging a man in conversation nearby. As Danny walked across the room, he didn’t see anyone cross his path; he didn’t see the person Sydney was talking to. He only saw Sydney as he asked a question of the actor that stood nearby.
He fixed his gaze on her, and moved closer and closer until he stood near her.
Her scent seduced him. He stood taking in and drinking her smell, which forced him down to his knees. His heart was beating loud; he knew everyone had to hear it, including the beautiful woman sitting with her head turned away from him.
“Excuse me,” were his first words, as he tried to keep her from hearing his accent. He thought she would know him for what he was, a poor fool, trying to speak to a fascinating woman that he didn’t have the class to talk to.
Sydney turned and looked him in the eyes, then starred at him. He felt he had better say something more. He just looked at her for what seemed like an hour, because he could not fashioned a sentence together to convey his thoughts.
He looked and looked at her continuously. He thought that she must think that he is an idiot and she would never take him serious. Suddenly his mind began to weave a complete thought, but nothing would come from his mouth.
Danny decided to tell her exactly what he was thinking, and cut through the mental block. He wasn’t a man that was adept at flattery; all he could do was tell the truth, as his heart perceived it, no more, no less.
He hoped this woman would be the one to satisfy his warm heart; fill his days with love and pleasure of the mind and spirit. He knew he was attracted to her, and he knew what to do to create the love he desired for himself.
He wanted to please. He wanted to give her pleasure of a lifetime, and sexual ecstasy. He needed someone to love him and his passion was burning; these were the things he wanted with her—love and pleasure, because these were the things that were absent in his life—the love of a beautiful woman, and the pleasure it would bring him to give her what she needed to make her happy.
All the dreams of his life stepped in front of him and played out in those few minutes before his eyes. He saw himself being successful, and asking her to marry him, and have his children.
He saw a large family to supplant the one he never had. He saw all his children and this woman as his wife, loving him all his life; a large smile lifted his face. His smile was so wide and glorious, that it made Sydney glow. His face leaned into her face, and he spoke what he was thinking.
Chapter 13
Sydney’s Marriage to Mike
I grew up in a small town in Texas with small town dreams. Most youngsters in my dusty little town played together as children, went through a puppy love stage, went to high school, and married their sweet hearts. That was the beginning and end of their lives; well at least they had a life.
I was born into a family where my parents evolved through that same time worn system. Met as children, romanced in high school, marry as sweet hearts, and then had their children.
My parents never left Texas, except to visit relatives nearby. They were the epitome of all that was good about growing up in a small town. My father worked in the local refinery and made a very good living to accommodate having five children, where I was the eldest.
There is so much responsibility being the eldest. I could not remember a time when I had a free moment in my life. Tried as I may to play as a child, develop a love with the little boys that were yearning to carry my books to school, appeared impossible, because of the excess baggage—my sisters and brothers. When all the young girls were developing relationships to last a lifetime, I was d
eveloping a bond with my family that would last until I matured and set me on a different path.
As I grew into a young woman in high school, I realized that everyone had paired with whom they thought they were going to spend their lives with. I had no one.
I wondered why I wasn’t notice by the most attractive boys. I had beautiful long curly brown hair with a devilish smile. I knew I was attractive, with a sense of humor. I knew I could talk to most people with authority, because I read books from faraway places, and saw thousands of movies of every genre.
That was the problem, I spent all my time watching movies, and helping my mother raise her family; now I lost the opportunity to develop a relationship in order to marry and have children like everyone I knew.
My four years of high school passed like a summer rain, quickly. No loves, no parties, no boys asking me out to the prom. Maybe the word had gotten around. The only real friend I had was a girl named Heather.
Heather a pleasant looking blond had many boy friends. She could have given me a few. The only problem—we didn’t have the same taste in men. I hadn’t acquired a taste.
Heather said it was because I had a look on my face that said I wanted more than the young men could afford. I had a worldly look about me that said I didn’t belong in that town and that place.
I didn’t think about that. I began to relish that my destiny was to leave that hot sweltering Texas town behind.
I completed high school and anticipated college. Maybe now my life would change, I thought. Boredom stretched my mind and body to its limits.
I attended college in the nearby city of Houston; there I enjoyed the camaraderie of fellow students. I even found some of my professors receptive to my views; they loved the way I engaged the class with my knowledge of different subjects, and how I debated with confidence. This came from years of kissing a good book good night instead of kissing a boy.
On a cool afternoon in April, I met a professor name Michael Butler, an attractive man of forty-five. I applied to the masters of fine arts program, where I found myself in his class. I thought that it would be wonderful to teach because he appeared to have such a wonderful time at his job.
I don’t know what attracted me to Michael, other than he was good looking and he appeared to be worldly and sophisticated, and maybe because he was the first man interested in me.
I think he looked at me and saw years of neglect not of body but of the spirit. He looked straight into my eyes. The transparency of my emotions and face revealed neglect. He could see that I didn’t know what it meant for a man young or old to give me flowers and profess his love for me.
Mike knew by my actions that I had never been seduced or made love to by a man. I remember a boy asking me out and then trying to run his hand under my dress, but that didn’t count. I was a prime candidate for Mike’s kind of exploitation. At the time, I didn’t understand the difference between sex and love.
I became excited about the attention from this older man. I figured if he was attracted to me than I must have been something to look at and desire. I didn’t know that I was attractive, because no one ever told me but my parents, and that did not count. What counted were the attentions of a matured handsome older man.
He heaped attention and presents at me, an excited teenager on her first date. I missed all the things a normal teenager experiences—a first kiss, passion, and physical attraction that would burn my every being.
Mike asked me out to dinner, I accepted without thought. He bought me expensive presents I accepted. I accepted the presents, because I didn’t know enough to turn them down. I thought that was what women did— accept presents from admiring suitors.
“Mike, thank you for this wonderful evening.”
“I want you to be happy Sydney. I like you very much.”
“I like you too Mike.”
“You don’t understand Sydney, I love you.”
What I did not understand was that he just liked me, and in all the years we were married he did not say that he loved me. I had skipped all my formative years of courtship and love making as a teenager, and thought that I was ready for a matured man like Mike. I misunderstood the gifts he gave me as a way to show his love, but it was to buy my youth and loyalty. I asked Mike what he did to earn all the money he was spending on gifts.
He said that he bought and sold land for development, and he was able to do whatever he desired, because it was a very lucrative business.
I sailed into this relationship blind, inexperience, and in awe of a man, who I discovered later, did not deserve a walk in the park.
My dates with Mike amounted to questioning me as if he was conducting a survey.
“I’m interested in your views on marriage.”
“Views on marriage, well let me see, I think when a person commits to a marriage it should be for a life time.” How stupid and inexperience I was, so I decided to ask him the same question.
“What are your views on marriage?” I said staring into his eyes.
“I think a marriage should be defined by the two people who enter into this union.” Well that sounded vague and evasive, yet I did not question him further, yet he continued. “Take the general view of a man and a woman remaining married throughout their life time and being committed to one person. Well I don’t think that is a true concept for these times. We are living in the computer age and everything is changing so fast. A person should not say they are going to be with one woman or man for a life time.”
There should have been a bell ringing at this point, I should have heard a sound to wake me up and say, “Really, that is strange,” but no such luck.
“When I marry I want the same kind of marriage my mother and father has, because there should be love.”
“Would you consider marrying me Sydney?”
I didn’t want to sound as if I wasn’t a worldly woman, and I said, “Of course. Of course.” I hardly knew this man, and I am saying I might consider an important step like marrying him. You could put me in the hall of insane for that comment.
“Well would you marry me?”
I stared. Not one man ever asked me to marry. It was a strange thing to hear, like you are going to die soon. My mind wasn’t working to its full capacity, and I said “yes,” just like that.
Mike took that acceptance as a signal that he should have sex with me, yet that just wasn’t part of the package. I informed him that I was saving myself for marriage and he looked at me as if to say, that was as out of date as a stale fruitcake from Christmas past.
His words hid what his face didn’t say. “You have made me so happy, so happy to find a woman like you.”
I didn’t know how to feel. I know I did not feel happy. I didn’t feel anything. I thought you were supposed to feel something. Could I take it back or go along with the insanity and maybe he will call it off, but he didn’t.
Before I could arrange for a formal wedding, we were married at the local courthouse, and I went along for the ride. I must have been living in another time, or I didn’t have the experience it took to say no. I wanted to please.
After informing my family, and a few yells from my father, and a cry from my mother, Mike took me to an elegant hotel, then I discovered why I had to un-ring the bell.
It was the most awkward time of my life. He didn’t want to make love to me. I could not understand what turned him on. I thought all it took was me to excite him, and he would automatically want me, and what I offered—youth, inexperience, a firm soft body, and a pretty face. I thought that was all you need to get some men to pay attention and love you. Mike was not just any man; he had a few hidden secrets in his closet and soon all the skeletons came rushing out.
Yet I moved into Mike’s home and tried to make it my own. I began telling everyone who asked that I was happy. I was a happily married woman. However, that was like putting a leash on a pig and pretending it was a cute little dog. It wasn’t long before the professor began to dictate what he wanted. It star
ted one day when I had the audacity to declare that I wanted to work.
Mike felt that his wife shouldn’t work and that was that. No discussion, no ifs or buts. He even walked away from me and never touched the conversation again. Now I wasn’t about to take no as a final directive, especially from a man I just married, and didn’t love, so I confronted him.
“Mike we have to talk.”
“What is it you want to talk about?”
“You never even considered my thoughts about working,” I said, remembering how fast I committed to marrying him. I didn’t know anything about this man. I didn’t listen to my little mind that said, “Don’t do it, don’t do it!” I just did it.
“Why do you need to work?”
“I’ve never worked, never had a career. I have degrees that I may never use.”
“We don’t need the money because I have plenty.”
“That is your money, not mine. It’s not about money.”
“It’s always about money,” he said thinking that I was too young to know the difference.
“I’ll give you as much money as you need. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“What do you mean you don’t want to talk about this anymore? I want to talk about this until we reach a compromise.” I said determine to be heard.
Mike refused to say a word to me. He wouldn’t talk to me for weeks. He had a posture of wrong and strong, passive aggressive. I had to tell someone, because this was a behavior that was foreign to me. There were no children and here I am in this rushed marriage with a man telling me I couldn’t work, and refusing to hear anymore about it.
We finally took separate bedrooms at his request, and then soon I began to realize that I wasn’t alone in the home.
Mike’s home was a spacious mansion with rooms upstairs and down. It was a mansion right out of Gone With The Wind. We lived in a subdivision called Plantation Run, the only thing missing were the dogs.
Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts Page 13
