by Riley Hart
“Earl, calm down,” Beck’s mom told him.
Christian’s mom cried. His dad wouldn’t look at him.
“Is it you?” Earl yelled again and Beckett didn’t respond. Their arms touched they stood so close to each other and Christian could feel him tremble.
“It’s not him. He doesn’t know…I never told him, I’m gay…” Christian looked toward the ground, waited for Beck to reply, waited for Beck to stick up for him, but the words never came.
And that was when Beckett Monroe cut contact with him. He’d sat quiet while Christian had to defend himself, and then he’d avoided Chris when he called, until he made a call of his own to Christian, just yesterday.
“I hated myself for a long time after that. I just fucking rode—trained harder than I’d ever trained. I think I believed if I did well, if I succeeded at motocross, it would have made the sacrifice worth it, it would have meant I did it for a reason.” He paused, shook his head, and then continued.
“It didn’t change anything though, Chris. Not a day has gone by in my life that I don’t regret leaving you to handle that on your own that day. Not a day has gone by that I don’t miss your friendship, or regret walking away from it. You were always my best friend—from the time I learned to speak until this moment right now—even if I didn’t show it.”
Christian let those words swim around his chest. Let them sink in because a part of him really needed to hear it.
When he didn’t reply, Beck asked, “Can I admit something else to you?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve been getting to the point lately that I’ve lost the joy in it. I think that’s why this last Supercross season went like it did. There’s a part of me that knows it’s in there—that passion I’ve always felt as I grip the handles and the dirt bike roars under me. That love is still in there, but it’s been hard to find the past year or so and it keeps getting worse.”
Beckett leaned forward, and let his elbows rest on his knees. “It’s like the weight, the denial, all that shit just kept getting heavier and heavier to carry. The more I struggled with it, the harder it was just to feel pure fucking joy in anything anymore. I’m so damn scared of losing that joy, Chris. Who is Beckett Monroe if he’s not the guy who loves motocross more than anything else in the world?”
There was the truth Christian had been looking for last night—why Beck hadn’t been able to say he loved what he did even though Christian knew he did.
“I don’t know, man. That’s what you have to figure out.” But Christian did know—he was the man who loved riding, who wanted to take care of his family, who had a work ethic like no one Christian had ever known. He was Christian’s best friend, the guy who made him laugh and shared so much of his past. He was a terrible fisher, and a bad liar. He hated TV unless it was MX related and never understood Christian’s love of games. It was up to Beckett to discover himself, though.
“I’m trying to. That’s why I did what I did. That’s why I’m here. I think it’s why I called you. I always knew who I was with you.”
Christian closed his eyes. Tried not to curse. He didn’t know if he was ready to hear things like that from Beckett again or if he ever would be. The thought of caring for Beck again scared the hell out of him, but on the other hand, it almost felt inevitable.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Beck. You never did. I have no doubt you’ll figure it out, and would have without me.”
“Thank you,” Beckett said softly…and then they were quiet again. A frog croaked in the background and Beck began to reel his line in.
Finally, Christian told him, “It was a long time ago. I forgive you.”
He likely had the second he heard Beckett Monroe’s voice on the phone, but to say it out loud released something inside of him that he’d held onto for too long.
CHAPTER SEVEN
They only spent a couple hours at the lake. They had dinner and then headed back to the rental house. Chris was a little quieter than he had been before. Beckett wished he hadn’t had to bring up his behavior when they were younger but it was important to him to apologize. If they were going to have any kind of friendship from here on out, it was imperative.
Eventually things began to lighten up. The conversation was likely still on both their minds but they had a good night.
It was like old times, in a way. They drank a few beers out on the deck again. When they wanted a snack, they popped a frozen pizza into the oven.
They played cards and talked shit and just spent another night getting to know each other again. In a lot of ways, it felt like they’d never stopped knowing each other.
This time, they headed to bed around eleven. Beckett found himself wondering if Christian was able to sleep any better tonight than he had last night before he dozed himself.
The next day they lounged around part of the morning before showering, eating breakfast, and heading to Landon’s brother’s house.
“You don’t know any of these people, right?” Chris asked as they drove.
“Not except Landon,” Beckett shook his head. “I know Rod will be there. Rod’s his partner. He said it’s Justin’s house and he lives with his partner too. I can’t remember if he told me the guy’s name and then there’s Bryce. He owns the motorcycle repair shop that Landon works at. I don’t know if there will be anyone else there.”
Christian nodded and then looked out the window. “It’s so damn green out here. It really is beautiful.”
Justin lived outside of town. There’d been nothing but trees for miles as they weaved their way through the countryside. “You sound like you forgot what the country is like.”
“Nah. I remember. And don’t get me wrong, I love Los Angeles. I’m not sure I could live anywhere else permanently again but I do miss this sometimes.”
Beckett thought about Florida, where he’d made his home for over ten years. He liked it there too, but he didn’t feel the same passion for it that it sounded like Chris felt for LA. “You’re really happy there.”
“I am,” the answer came immediately. “I found my tribe out there—friends from work, the apartment complex where I live, Quinn. Took me a little while to settle in and realize it was okay to be myself. Moving to California helped with that.”
Beckett tried not to let the sadness weigh down his bones. He was happy for Christian…but he wanted that too. He should have had it ten years ago. He wished he could have experienced it with Christian when they were young, the way it should have been. Beckett wanted that and motocross.
He fought hard not to let himself focus on Christian’s mention of Quinn. Fought not to let out a possessive growl, because Chris wasn’t his. He’d given him up a long time ago.
“In five hundred feet, turn right,” the GPS on his phone told him.
“Looks like we’re there,” he grunted as his jealousy of Quinn, of what Christian had, flooded his over-stimulated body. He’d gone through a hell of a lot of emotions in the past couple weeks.
“Looks like we are,” he replied as they pulled into the driveway. “Jesus, his house is gorgeous.” It was a large, colonial-style house with beautiful beams, and a wrap-around porch.
“Yeah, it is.” They got out of the car and headed for the house. They’d stopped on their way to grab a pair of swimming trunks for each of them, since they hadn’t brought any along. When they stepped up onto the massive porch, Beckett could hear music and laughter coming from the back yard. He raised his hand to knock just as the door was pulled open.
“I was instructed to keep an eye out for you,” the dark-haired man in the doorway said. “I’m Justin, nice to meet you.”
It was odd to see him. He looked a lot like Landon. Beckett couldn’t imagine going through what their family had. “Beckett, nice to meet you.” They shook hands. “This is my friend Christian. He came out from LA to spend some time with me.”
It was then that another man walked in from the back of the house with what looked like a lab-mix by
his side. As soon as the dog saw them, it came bounding for them, tail wagging and tongue sticking out.
“Ireland, come here, girl.” The guy with the backward baseball hat called just as she jumped onto Christian, her front paws on his belly, demanding attention.
“Shit, sorry. She’s a little spoiled,” Justin told them.
“She’s a sweet girl,” Christian said, rubbing her head as she fought to lick him like crazy.
Beckett chuckled. “I get it, girl; I like him too.” He reached over to pet the dog and Christian winked at him.
“Hey. We’re glad you could come. I’m Drew,” the newcomer announced. The guy was all muscle—wearing swimming trunks and no shirt. It was obvious he spent a lot of time working out, which Beckett could appreciate. He’d fallen in love with it through his own training.
They made their introductions before Justin and Drew led them into the house. Pieces of the puzzle began to click into place from previous conversations he’d had with Landon. He remembered Landon telling him that Justin had fallen in love while here before their dad passed and then packing up and moving in with Drew.
Ireland bounded beside them as they made their way through the house and toward the back door. He saw the pool, which was currently empty, a hot tub, a deck, and another dark-haired man he didn’t recognize.
“Look who we found,” Justin said as they stepped out. Beckett’s eyes hit Landon first. He sat in a chair with who Beckett assumed was Rod, on his lap. He was smaller than Landon, younger, with short hair and dark eyeliner around his eyes.
Rod put his hands on his cheeks like the kid from Home Alone, jumped off Landon’s lap and shouted, “Oh my God! It’s Beckett Monroe!”
Beckett felt his face warm up. Landon shook his head and chuckled. From everything Landon had told him, Rod kept him on his toes and he could see that his friend hadn’t exaggerated.
Rod grinned, “I’m kidding. I don’t know shit about motocross. I just didn’t want Bryce to feel alone if he nearly blows his load in your presence.”
Landon couldn’t control his laughter now, as he held his stomach and leaned forward in the chair. The man sitting beside him was cracking up too, as Beckett’s eyes darted between all of them, not sure what to say or how to react. “Um…”
“Excuse us while I drown him and then hide the body.” The man who’d been pacing swooped in and scooped Rod into his arms.
“How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not interested in you that way, Bryce! Before Landon, yes, but it’s too late now,” Rod told the man who apparently might be jerking off to thoughts of him later today and Landon laughed harder.
“We can’t take you two anywhere,” the man beside Landon said, before both of them stood up. “Put him down, Bryce.”
“But I really want to drown him.”
“Not with all these prying eyes,” the man told him.
“Please, Nick? Please can I drown him?” he asked before setting Rod down and saying, “You never let me have any fun.”
Landon reached him by then, his face red, Beckett assumed from laughter. “Sorry, my crew is crazy and Rod is the craziest of them all, especially when you get him and Bryce together. This is obviously Bryce who may or may not be a big fan of yours. He promised me there would be no jerking off, though.”
“Everyone thinks they’re a comedian,” Bryce responded before holding out his hand. “They’re clean. I’m really not as bad as they say.”
“Eh, I get the allure,” Beckett teased, wanting to play along. Landon introduced Nick next. He was the man who’d been sitting beside him. He and Bryce were together, and Nick was apparently a chef and had made some of their food for today.
“And this, of course, is Rod,” Landon introduced him last.
Rod gave Beckett a smile as bright as the sun. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. It’s great to meet you, though. Landon has told me a lot about you.”
“It’s good to meet you too,” and it really was. “This is Christian. He’s…my oldest and dearest friend.”
Everyone said hi to Christian and then Landon wrapped his arms around Rod from behind, and whispered something in his ear. Rod laughed. Drew pulled out a few more chairs and Justin and Nick were obviously ribbing Bryce.
He realized then that just like Christian, Landon had found his tribe, his crew. Beckett had that in the moto world, but not in his personal life. It wasn’t the same…but he wanted it. He really fucking wanted it.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“I really need to get you to LA,” Christian told Rod as they sat at an outside table. “You’ll have a blast. One night in West Hollywood and you’ll fall in love.”
“He’ll get you into trouble,” Landon countered.
“That’s not a bad thing.” At least, not in Christian’s mind. He really liked everyone here. It had been a couple hours since they’d arrived. He wasn’t sure he’d ever laughed so hard in his life. Bryce and Rod’s back and forth was hilarious. They always seemed to be trying to one-up each other. Apparently they met when Nick and Bryce went shopping for sex toys at an adult store he worked at. Christian was shocked to discover that being with each other, was Nick and Bryce’s first time with another man. He could only imagine how that trip to the romantic gift store had gone.
Rod now had his own place called Rods-N-Ends.
There was a lot of motorcycle talk. Bryce and Landon were in love with being on two wheels the same way Beck was. They both mostly rode street bikes but enjoyed motocross too, which meant Beck was in heaven. Drew owned a gym, Justin was going back to school, and Nick obviously loved food and feeding people who were important to him. They were a mishmash group of people, but you could tell they all loved each other. They were a close group of friends.
Christian couldn’t help but direct his eyes toward Beck. Did he have that? People he knew he could be himself with? People who would stand by his side, no matter what? Christian hoped he had that within the motocross community but the truth was, he just didn’t know. He knew Beck’s past. He even knew who Beck was. Ten years apart hadn’t changed that but he didn’t know Beck’s day-to-day life.
The thought made him frown, put an ache in his chest. And when Beckett looked his way, he could see the questions there, in his dark, soulful eyes. Saw that Beck realized Christian was wrestling with something…and he was. Because he realized now that he couldn’t lose Beckett Monroe again. He’d be the friend who Beck always had in his corner.
Christian reached out, and squeezed Beckett’s thigh, and then he didn’t pull his hand back. Beckett gave him what was almost a shy grin, then set his hand on Christian’s before joining the conversation with his friends again.
*
“The first race of the upcoming outdoor season is in Texas, right?” Bryce asked as they ate. They’d gone swimming for a little while, and then gotten out to finish cooking. Nick had taken care of a few things inside while Drew had the grill going for the ribs. They said Nick had marinated them in a homemade sauce. They nearly fell off the bone and had a sweet, tangy taste that Beck couldn’t get enough of.
“Yeah. No rest for the wicked. We ended up with two weeks between Supercross and outdoors this year. I should be training right now but they gave me a few days considering everything that’s going on.” Which actually made him feel like shit. He shouldn’t have to take a break. Especially with how he’d ridden during Supercross season.
“You’re the fastest, most skilled rider there is right now. Taking a few days off won’t hurt,” Christian told him.
“I didn’t get here by taking time off, though. I stay on top of my game because I’m the last guy to leave the track every day.”
“I know.” Christian eyed him, but Beckett couldn’t read what his expression meant. The air around them did feel heavier though. “I remember. And that’s a good thing, but there’s more to life than motocross. Don’t forget that.” He didn’t smile, didn’t look away from Beckett and he could see the seriousness in Christian’s stare
. He now saw how much Christian wanted to make sure Beckett got the message. Christian wanted him to have a life outside of motocross.
“Wait. There is? I didn’t know that,” Bryce teased.
“Shh! They’re having a moment,” Rod teased and then Justin promptly started choking on his food. Drew hit him on the back as the table burst into laughter again.
“I guess we’ll finish this conversation later,” Beck winked at him.
“Sorry, we typically keep them locked away. They haven’t acclimated to spending time with adult humans yet,” Nick added. They were a riot—all of them. Beckett turned toward Christian, who grinned at him. He had a light dusting of dark, blond hair along his jaw, obviously having skipped out on shaving this morning. Beck wanted to feel it against his skin. The last time he’d kissed Christian, he had the smooth face of youth, as had Beck himself. He wondered if Christian would enjoy the feel of his beard against his flesh as well.
He cocked his head at Beck, and he couldn’t help but wish Christian was having the same thoughts—which likely made him an asshole since there was a Quinn out there.
Beckett turned away from him just as Landon asked, “Do you have time to take a quick walk?”
“Yeah, sure.” He turned toward Chris again. “I’ll be right back.”
Landon kissed Rod’s forehead and then the two of them went down the stairs from the deck and toward the back of Justin and Drew’s lush property.
“Now that you’re here, I hope you plan to come back to visit,” Landon told him.
There was no question he would. He felt like he fit in with Landon’s friends in a way he desired in his life. “Absolutely…you’re happy.”
“I am. Are you?” he asked.
“I love what I do.” And he did, regardless of the emptiness he’d felt lately.
“That wasn’t my question.”
“Fucker,” he teased. Of course Landon wouldn’t let him off easily. “I’m trying to be,” is the reply he settled on.
