by Abby Ayles
“I just... cannot fathom why you would hurt me so much, knowingly,” she replied.
“He did not intend to hurt you,” Antoinette said as softly as she could.
Lucy was not sure where this was going, but she felt a little cornered. “I do not mean to attack you, Duke Perry... I simply want to say these things so that they never need be discussed again.”
Duke Perry nodded. “I suppose that makes sense. And Antoinette is correct, I did not set out to hurt you. I simply did not have the opportunity to marry Antoinette. And then I did. I could not pass up our joint happiness.”
“But then why did you approach me in the first place? I wish I knew better why you did what you did,” Lucy said to Duke Perry. “Why not remain single, if you could not marry the woman of your dreams?”
“I thought I would never be able to marry her, and I was afraid, I suppose, of the burdens of being unwed.” Duke Perry looked away, ashamed. “I needed money. And security. I feared you were the only woman whose parents would ever allow to marry me. I felt pressured.”
Andrew nodded. “So as a man you did believe you were being pressured into an unhappy marriage? You did not do it out of cruelty?”
“Of course not! I suppose marriage is all about what one can get out of the arrangement,” Duke Perry replied. “I was simply trying to get the material aspects of marriage. I had not considered the emotional purposes.”
“And yet Clara, who had the opportunity to marry me, continued to lead me on as she was preparing to marry a lesser man,” Lord Jones said with a heavy heart. “At least Duke Perry had great motive for abandoning you. At least he never loved you. Clara loved me and then lost interest in me.”
“Because you were not present,” Antoinette said. “It may be a harsh reason, but it is true nonetheless. What she wanted and needed from you was company, which you did not give her.”
“If one cannot remain loyal to one's betrothed just because one cannot see them, does that not make one a bad person?” he countered.
“Not at all, women have emotional needs, and physical ones. She could not see you, or speak with you, or enjoy your affections. She was deprived and lonely. And he offered her support during her time of need,” Antoinette explained. “It may not be right, but neither is abandoning your woman to roam India for a year or more.”
Lord Jones seemed angry at what was being said, but bit his tongue. Lucy realized that he was in deep pain, but nobody else saw it. He was still reeling from Clara's rejection, but others only saw the tough exterior he was presenting. Every word against him was like a dagger through his already bleeding heart.
Lucy, on the other hand, felt she had been given much to contemplate. Having discovered that her hatred of Duke Perry stemmed from the remaining love she felt for him, she was opening herself up to new suggestions and ideas. And the discovery that men were just as trapped by the conventions of marriage as women were... this helped her. This was a healing thing to acknowledge.
Duke Perry was the good, tender man she had known during their courtship. Just because he did not love her did not make him a bad person. And just because he was good and tender did not mean she had to love him. He could be a good person and do bad things. Because this was a world where good people needed to do bad things in order to survive.
After the sandwiches had been had, Duke Perry and Antoinette left to find their baby daughter and spend some time with her. Meanwhile, Lucy followed Lord Jones out into the conservatory where he stood, staring out over the gardens, his mind obviously wandering.
“I do not suppose you believe all they said,” Lord Jones muttered, avoiding eye contact with her, sounding almost angry.
“Not all of it,” she said. “They have their own illusions, their own hopes, their own beliefs about love. Which may be true for them, but not for everyone.”
“And they turned it on you. As though Duke Perry could not help but deceive you,” Lord Jones said with a groan.
“I suppose in his circumstances he would not, though,” Lucy replied.
“He could have chosen to do the dignified thing and not abuse your love and trust,” Andrew said bitterly. “It was all lies to get you on their side.”
“Some of it was true, though,” Lucy insisted. “It makes perfect sense. Men and women alike are trapped by the conventions of marriage, by the financial and political forces which push us to wed even if it breaks our hearts to do so.”
“You are only agreeing with them because you still love Duke Perry, are you not?” Lord Jones said, suddenly turning and making eye contact with her.
Lucy shook her head nervously. “Not exactly... I simply... I do agree with them. And I need to forgive him. Because he is my best friend's husband, and I cannot hate him forever.”
“No, it is because you love him. Because you are trying to stay close to him and heal the tears he left in your heart,” Lord Jones said, stepping closer to her.
“So, what if I am?” she blurted. “He is a married man, nothing could happen. And I shall never marry, so it will cause me and my non-existent future husband no problems at all.” He was towering over her, like a mountain over a valley. She felt her heart in her throat.
“Do not do this to yourself,” Andrew said softly. “If you get too close to him you shall only be hurt again. You must stay strong, and stay away from him.”
“I do not see why it is such a great problem to you,” Lucy said, glaring at him, her face hot with shame. “It is not as though it harms you if I love him or not.”
“Oh, but it does,” Andrew replied.
Before Lucy could say anything, he seized her waist in one hand, put his other hand behind her head, and pulled her into a warm kiss.
She let out a gasp, then a soft moan at the unexpected touch. This. This was the sort of intimacy she had been craving. It was so wrong. And it felt so right. And she could not do it, never do it, because she could never marry... And yet she was doing it.
Her head was swimming. She felt about to faint. She put both her hands behind his head, tangled them in his perfectly waxed hair, and kissed him back.
Chapter 13
Lucy was not sure what at all to make of what had just happened. Her heart was still racing as she rejoined the company, as her parents came to see her, as they prepared to leave. She could still taste his mouth, she could smell his rich cologne in her hair, she could feel a warm pressure on the back of her head, as though his hands had moulded her like clay. It was intoxicating.
And yet utterly forbidden. He had done this to her despite not courting her, despite having no intent to marry, despite not being engaged. He had simply dived in and stolen a kiss. And what a kiss! It felt just like her fairytale romances had told her it would. Her heart beat faster and faster. He seemed to have vanished. She was not sure whether she hoped to see him before she left, or whether she would be too ashamed.
As the family coach pulled away from the house, she spied Lord Jones leaving, his usually perfect hair still slightly untidy, his hands a little shaky with nerves. He was just as excited about what had happened as she was. In a way, this egged her on. She wanted to do it to him again. She wanted to see him lose control, to watch that mask slide from his face and see the real man underneath. As the coach turned around the corner, obscuring him from her view, she sank back in her seat and wondered whether enough intimacy would break him, what he would be like when he opened up and was gentle and tender.
And yet they could not do this. They had committed to never marrying. It would be on some level forgivable if they were engaged, or if he asked for her hand in marriage. But he had tasted her lips with no intention of owning them. He had taken what her parents wanted to give to another man, what did not belong to him. He had tainted her.
On the other hand, she had no intention of marrying any other man. Who had he deprived of her lips? He had stolen nothing from anyone but herself. And you cannot steal that which is given freely. And she wanted to give him so much more...
But no, she could not. She could not live with that one kiss without guilt ravaging her mind, without desperately seeking justification. Although her body ached for him, and her heartfelt sore and empty without him, she would have to receive the blessing of her parents and the permission of God before he could hold her like that. And Lord Jones would never marry.
Lucy sighed heavily. Her mother glanced at her nervously. “Are you quite alright?” Lady Fitzgerald asked. “You seemed flushed and feverish as we left, and now you look pale and clammy. Are you coming down with something?”
Lucy shook her head. “I have a lot on my mind, that is all mother.”
“My sweet... are you still in love with Duke Perry?” her mother asked. “I know it must be difficult for you to see him, even after all this time, with your best friend.”
“It is not that, I assure you,” she insisted. “I simply... it is difficult for me to see them together. But I must learn to carry myself with dignity.”
“You must, you must,” Lady Fitzgerald said. There was a slightly tense pause. “You do know that I can tell the signs of love, of passion,” she said.
Lucy blushed hotly. At least her mother did not know who Lucy was really thinking about. Or, for that matter, what she had done with him... “It is natural to reserve some feelings for a man I nearly married.”
“But he is now a respectably married Duke, and you ought to control yourself,” her mother insisted.
“I can and I will,” Lucy said, nodding firmly. Of course, she could and would. Duke Perry was a handsome, sweet man. But she could appreciate his charms without loving him. It would be much harder for her to control herself around the man who actually drove her passions...
“Now, listen, I have a plan to get you to meet the Prince, I am sure you will be glad to hear,” Lady Fitzgerald said.
Lucy just nodded and smiled dreamily to herself. She would do whatever her mother asked of her. Except marry, that is. But other than marry, she would do anything so long as she had another opportunity to get close to Lord Jones. She listened as Lady Fitzgerald explained the plan.
Lady Fitzgerald had managed to get a place at yet another dinner party with the Princess. And this time the Prince, as well as many other eligible, wealthy, powerful men, would be present. It would be the perfect opportunity for Lucy to revel in the company of royalty and prove her worth to them. By being seen as the Princess's friend, many lesser nobles would no doubt admire her and seek her company. So even if the Prince showed no interest at all, Lucy would have plenty of opportunities to meet other important people, from England and from Europe. And surely one of those distinguished men would be attractive to her.
Lucy just nodded in agreement and smiled and continued getting lost in her mind. She wanted so badly to be beside Lord Jones. But what else could she do? He was committed to never marrying. She could not exactly just live in sin, nor could she go back on her promise to herself, not least of all because she had made the same promise to Andrew. And if he was a man of any dignity and grace, he would chastise her for breaking her word.
But, then, if they could not be together under any circumstance, then why had he kissed her? Unless... Unless he was not as virtuous as she had at first assumed. Unless he intended for them to live in sin. Lucy was at once horrified and, though she would never admit to it, thrilled by the idea that a man could desire her so much as to risk his reputation to be with her.
The dinner party was two days later, and Lucy spent the entire time being alternately angry and excited by the idea of seeing Lord Jones yet again. Hopefully he would be there, and they could steal a moment together yet again.
No... She could not be so overt. She would have to leave the room by chance, and he would, also by chance, have to leave the room, so that they could completely accidentally meet in private, where he could once again be overwhelmed by his passionate urges and kiss her. It all had to be accidental. A carefully planned coincidence...
The day finally arrived and Lucy was able to spend some time thinking about something other than being kissed by Lord Andrew Jones. Now she had to meet with a Princess, and carry herself properly, assist in all she could, and mingle like a lady. This was her chance to shine in high society.
Her Highness was in a fabulous mood, and invited Lucy to spend the afternoon helping her prepare for the dinner party that night. It was going to be a more extravagant, less intimate event than last time, and everything had to be perfect in order to completely impress everyone. Lucy was shocked by how much work went into being a princess. She had thought it would be a matter of just ordering servants about, but in fact everything had to be carefully selected and later approved by Her Majesty. She could not afford to sit back and let everything happen, as if even a single thing went wrong it reflected poorly on her, not her servants.
“Your Highness works very hard,” Lucy remarked.
“My brother and I both endeavour to always present ourselves at our best,” Princess Elisaveta replied.
“I am simply amazed by all that Your Highness does,” Lucy added. “Especially considering that Your Highness is still unwed. I suppose Your Highnesses must have men and women lining up to wed, and simply are finding the choice difficult?”
“To be honest... I had not given it much thought,” Her Majesty laughed a little. “I am not yet prepared to wed.”
Lucy was surprised to hear this. “But surely, at your age, Your Highness, at our age... Well, here one gets married at this age.”
“Oh, and in Germany one usually does too, or used to. But times have changed. People are increasingly wary of marriage and all that it entails. And our duties as royals and nobles are becoming so vast, it would be unfair for us to have to also work on building a family amidst all of this,” the Princess explained.
“Oh... So, when would Your Highness consider marrying?” Lucy asked.
Princess Elisaveta paused, looking at the wall where a banner was being hung. “I am not sure. I have aunts who are also princesses, and they are not yet married at thirty-seven and forty.”
Lucy was dumbfounded. “Really? I... I find it hard to believe, Your Highness. They may never marry now...”
Princess Elisaveta shrugged. “They are not too concerned about such matters. They are quite happy to remain single forever.”
“Your Highness means to say that people... are not getting married?” Lucy was dumbfounded.
“It is not the same as it once was, Lucy,” Her Highness said, “we have other things to focus on.”
“It must be a lot of work, if Your Highnesses cannot even contemplate marriage,” Lucy said, watching as some servants began adding flowers to the looping banners around the walls.
“It is. Just because we are not first in line for the throne does not mean we do not have many duties. We came here to escape it all,” Her Highness Elisaveta said.
“Escape? It was that bad, Your Highness?” Lucy asked. The more she heard from the Princess, the more amazed she was at the hard work that being a royal entailed. She had thought it would be like in a fairy tale, but it seemed more like an honest living than anything else.
“Well... not so bad,” the Princess replied. “I suppose it would have been acceptable. The amount of work, that is. But the attitude of the people bothered me too. Other nobles and royals have all lost their faith and hope in everything. Not just marriage, but also their own hierarchies, their faith... all of it.”
“I suppose it is not a bad thing, that people are losing their fantastical ideals about marriage,” Lucy replied. “Here we must endure the complete opposite. People maintain their delusions for years and years, even into their own marriage
s, until something falls apart and then they are broken by it.”
“It is not quite so simple,” Princess Elisaveta insisted. “We need some amount of wonder to sustain ourselves. When nobody believes in anything anymore, then we get problems...” The Princess seemed genuinely concerned, even pained, as she said this.
Lucy was not sure what to make of it at all. A small part of her was pained that all that wonder was gone. But if it was based on a lie, then surely it would be for the best for it to go out of fashion? What could possibly go wrong if all they were doing was losing an infantile delusion that would only hurt them?
“I am not sure much harm could come from people seeing the truth, Your Highness,” she said.
Princess Elisaveta shook her head. “You do not understand. It is not the truth. It is faith. People need to have faith in marriage, whether they hold it aloft or see it for what it is. Otherwise marriage disappears.”
Lucy was a little perplexed at this. “But marriage surely cannot simply disappear? How do such matters work in Germany?”
Her Highness sighed. “I cannot speak for all of my people, not even for all of my class, but the people I have met who are disappointed in marriage have all been corrupted. A person can abstain from marriage all they want. But for most of us, we have passions we need to satisfy. We have human needs. One or two people can deprive themselves forever and live in abstinence. But for most people, losing faith in marriage is the first step to embracing debauchery. That is part of the reason I had to leave. The propositions which I have received from my equals and betters... I hope you, and no other woman, has to hear such vile things.”
Lucy realized these words were ringing true to her. She had attempted to remain celibate and unwed, and yet she was contemplating a life of sin. Andrew... He was an absolute cynic when it came to marriage. And yet... her lips still tingled when she thought of his kiss. It had been magical.
She was being corrupted by the very forces which Her Highness spoke of. Lucy knew she had gone from a good girl who believed in marriage, to a celibate cynic, to a passionate young woman considering sin. The influences of her own cynicism would destroy her if she allowed them to.
