by Jillian Neal
“Hey, Em may be better at it than all of us, but she’s not the only one who knows what you do when shit happens,” Logan smiled as Rainer nodded his understanding.
“Thanks,” he managed.
“You know, I still think we have those old Diamondbacks we got you and Logan on your tenth birthdays, the ones that went through our trampoline,” Governor Haydenshire smiled at the memory as he shook his head. “I could dig them out of the barn if you think you might need to use them for a while,” the Governor continued to tease as he saw that Rainer was responding.
Vindico chuckled, “That sounds like a good story.”
Logan was laughing at the memory, and Rainer felt his face pull into a smile. He was shocked that, in light of everything that had happened, that he was able to laugh at his and Logan’s antics when they were young.
He knew that Emily was right. He didn’t necessarily have to have the item that he’d always associated with the memories. The memories themselves were much more valuable. Suddenly, not certain that he wanted to be alone after all, Rainer met Logan’s wry smile.
“You know,” Logan offered, “if you want, we could head home, throw on our suits, take the Hummer for a spin for a few hours. Maybe go see Sam, and then head to the memorial.”
“Hey, Lawson, like the Governor said, you’ve had a rough go. If you don’t feel up to the service, you don’t have to come, but I actually think it might help,” Vindico offered.
Rainer shook his head. “No, I want to go,” he stated without giving it much thought. He was working on intuition alone.
He turned back to Logan and nodded. ”Yeah, let’s go,” he tried not to sound pleading.
Logan looked genuinely thrilled to be going along. Still holding his cell in his hands, Rainer texted Emily back.
* * *
I’m all right. Just need to think for a little while. Gonna go for a drive with Logan. I miss you so much, Em. I wish you could come home, but you should stay. Aida needs you.
* * *
He typed what was in his heart. He wasn’t entirely certain that the last sentiment was the truth. He doubted that Aida needed her as much as he did at that moment, but he turned off the screen and stowed the phone in his pocket.
“You sure you’re ok, Lawson?” Vindico quizzed as they headed back to the parking lot that held his Agusta and the Haydenshires’ cars.
“Don’t really have much choice, do I?” He hadn’t meant to be disrespectful, but the loss was hitting him hard.
Vindico slapped him on the back. He didn’t seem to mind Rainer’s tone. “Been there, said that, more times than I care to remember. Maybe we can go out and grab a beer after the service. Unless you want to go back to an empty bed?” Vindico knew perfectly well that Rainer didn’t want to feel the cold emptiness of a mattress that didn’t contain Emily’s heat or her curves, but he lowered his voice so that the Governor and Mrs. Haydenshire didn’t hear the sentiment.
“Yeah, that’d be good.” He wondered if that was really how he would feel in a few hours, but he decided to go with it anyway. Drowning the pain in a few drinks sounded rather appealing.
11
Let It Go
Rainer pulled the Hummer into the garage, and the pain set in with a harsh, blunt cruelty. Although he was always the first to admit that he was keenly devoted to his Mustang, he wasn’t certain even he’d understood the depth of his respect and love for the car that had raised him.
Rainer threw the bag he’d used in Rio in his and Emily’s room. He dressed in his suit slacks and dress shirt quickly. He wanted to leave. He wanted to drive away from the pain. After grabbing a tie and his sport coat, he waited on Logan in the Hummer.
“Let’s go,” Logan hoisted himself up into the passenger seat. Rainer drove out of the gravel driveway in silence, and headed immediately to the highway.
“Wanna go see Sam?” Logan quizzed hopefully, but Rainer just shrugged. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to make any decisions. He just wanted to drive.
After a solid hour of staring at the asphalt as it slid beneath them and then disappeared in the rearview mirror, he turned to Logan. “I’m kinda hungry.”
Logan laughed and gave Rainer his version of the Haydenshire smirk. “That’s probably a good sign. I’m pretty sure burgers, shakes, and onion rings are one of the stages of grief.”
Rainer laughed. He was struck by how good it felt to laugh with Logan. After nimbly maneuvering through the drive-thru line, he ordered a variety of cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and onion rings. He placed the food between him and Logan, and just as they’d done since their sixteenth birthdays, they proceeded to devour food out of the bags with no concern as to who ordered what.
They downed the large chocolate shakes, and Rainer felt a pang of sorrow when he started to order Emily’s small vanilla shake, with extra cherries, out of habit, but then remembered she wasn’t with them.
Although the Hummer was certainly a fine piece of machinery, it didn’t respond to Rainer the way the Mustang always had.
“Hey, man, I know you probably had way more fun with Em in the ‘Stang, but we had some good times, too. I really am sorry,” Logan offered sincerely.
Rainer smiled. “Yeah, we did.” He let the memories of him and Logan in the Mustang reel through his mind as he followed the curving roads towards Alexandria.
“How was Rio?” Logan tried for a new topic. Rainer sighed, but Logan had agreed to go along on his ride to nowhere, so the least he could do was talk.
“I really only saw the inside of the hotel room, but seeing Em was great.” He tried to let the evening before soothe his grief.
“She ok?” Logan seemed uncertain if Emily was a topic he should bring up, after everything that had happened.
“She was better when she left this morning than when she first got there last night.”
“Don’t brag, man,” Logan chastised.
Rainer shook his head at Logan’s insinuation and joined in his laughter.
“She hadn’t been eating or sleeping. The girls were giving her a hard time. It’s kind of a mess.” He gripped the steering wheel tighter to keep his hands from using his phone to call Governor Haydenshire and have Emily sent home.
They talked a little more about Emily and the Angels, and then Rainer turned in to the gravel lot. He felt his muscles ease as he turned off the Hummer.
He and Logan slid out of the SUV, and Rainer drew a deep breath. He inhaled the gasoline, car fumes, and a hint of Old Spice aftershave. A smile automatically spread across his face.
While sharing his signature smile, Sam walked towards Rainer and Logan. He was shaking his head and wiping his hands on an old rag.
“Well, trouble just won’t leave you be will it, Rain man?” Sam slapped Rainer on the shoulder. He looked truly sorrowful for Rainer’s plight.
“You’re not joking,” Rainer lamented as Sam turned to Logan.
“I am joking, boy,” he grinned at Rainer while extending his hand to Logan. “You keep your sense of humor in that Mustang, or something?”
With a goading grin and the afternoon sunlight glinting in his eyes, Sam shook Logan’s hand. “Now, the last time I saw Miss Emily, she was a darn sight prettier. What you gone and done to her?” he gestured to Logan, and all three of them cracked up.
“Mr. Logan, haven’t seen you in a while. You been keepin’ him straight?” he gestured to Rainer.
“Nah,” Logan shook his head and smiled. “I leave that to Em. I was never any good at it anyway. I just usually got him in more trouble.”
Sam chuckled and nodded his agreement.
A few minutes later, they were seated on the tailgate of an old pickup in the lot, drinking ice-cold Coke out of glass bottles.
“I tell you what, Rain man, any man who’d destroy another man’s car,” Sam clasped his chest, feigning heartache, “that’s low down. That’s what that is.”
Rainer raised his bottle in a toast to that, and Logan and Sam joined in.<
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“So, what we gonn’ drive next, Rain man?” Sam studied Rainer thoughtfully.
Rainer drew a long sip of his Coke. He futilely hoped the fizzy beverage might wash away the inflicting wound.
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “I want my Mustang.” He knew he sounded like a spoiled child.
Sam smiled wistfully as he shared a glance with Logan that Rainer pretended not to notice.
“You don’t want that ‘Stang, Rainer,” Sam stated firmly. “I done tol’ you it was a sissy, white-boy car,” he teased, but Rainer didn’t laugh.
He chose to succumb to the pain instead, so Sam went on. “Nope, you don’t want that Mustang, Rain man. You want what was inside that car, boy.”
Rainer furrowed his brow and lifted his weary eyes to the man who always seemed to have the answers he needed whenever he needed them.
“There was a piece o’ yo’ soul in that car, right, Rain man? It fit you because it was you,” he urged. “A classic, American automobile built when America was innocent and protected.” Rainer and Logan listened intently. “You listen to me, boy. That car was everything you said you wanted when his daddy brought you out here, when you were sixteen years old, wit’ yo’ daddy’s money burning a hole in yo’ pocket.” Sam chuckled at the recollection.
“A Mustang, first off the line, not red, no, no had to be crimson, reminded him o’ Miss Emily’s hair. Wanted a classic that would fly just like you, boy. It was a fine car. A virgin car, that made a gesture to the world that had robbed you of a little too much. Wadn’t always a nice gesture, but it made you happy,” Sam stated with a wry grin.
“Wanted to show off a little, wanted an engine that’d make some noise for you when you couldn’t seem to find the words to tell the world what you really thought, Rain man. And it did everything you wanted and more. Yeah, boy, you want what was inside that car.” Sam paused and seemed to consider.
“You wan’ ta hold it in your hands, and you just can’t. All those things making your heart hurt and your head ache, you gotta let ‘em go. They’ll eat you alive. So you take all those memories, all those times Miss Emily let you get past second base in that car,” he drawled knowingly as Rainer and Logan laughed. “All the drives with the top down, all the dates, all o’ yo’ childhood, you hold those tight an’ don’t let nobody take those away, Rain man, but you ain’t that kid anymore.”
“Not quite so innocent no more, been through a whole lotta stuff ain’t nobody oughta have to go through. Got a ring on Miss Emily’s finger, got a house, and a job and if I ain’t mistaken, I believe you just mighta cashed in Miss Emily’s innocence as well,” Sam chuckled as Rainer blushed violently.
Logan laughed and punched Rainer in the shoulder.
“You a man now, Rainer, and that car ain’t here no more. So, you take your soul with you when you let it go, son, but you gotta let it go. ‘S time to grow up.” Sam gave Rainer a gaze that said he, at least, thought Rainer had turned out all right. That gaze soothed Rainer’s soul.
“Can’t live yo’ life looking in the rearview mirror of a ’65 Mustang. That’s why the windshield’s so much bigger than the mirror,” Sam concluded.
Rainer drew a deep steadying breath. “But I don’t know what I want. When I was sixteen, that Mustang was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted.”
Sam smiled kindly. “Well, Miss Emily’s already called me up twice, worried sick about you, and you got yo’ partner in crime over here, watching you like a hawk,” Sam gestured his thumb to Logan. “The Crown Governor called me ‘fo’ the sun got up dis mornin’. You got a lotta people care about you, Rain Man, myself included.”
“Why not give it a little time for the wound to heal itself up, and then this time why don’t you listen to all those people who love you, boy? When you was sixteen, you couldn’t hear no voice but yo’ own.” A broad grin spread across Sam’s face as he allowed, “Well, maybe Miss Emily’s, if she was telling you to slide that hand a little higher, but that was it.”
Rainer and Logan laughed again.
“We gon’ find you just what you want, but you gonna have to slow down, take yo’ time. Let yo’ soul heal before you try and make it a part of another car,” Sam warned. “And whatever we decide on, Rain man, there’re gon’ be good memories in it as well.”
Then, with a far away look in his eye, he shared his story. “Drove a hot-off-the-line, ’55 Cadillac Eldorado on my first date to pick up my sweet Dolores. Near ‘bout stripped the clutch tryin’ get away from her daddy ‘bout a year later when I brought her home, and her beehive wadn’t a buzzin’ no more.”
Sam raised his right eyebrow with a smirk. Rainer and Logan guffawed.
“Few years later, drove her away from the church house in a Monterey. Drove all the way to the Poconos Honeymoon Cabins,” Sam announced proudly before continuing.
“Spent almost three months’ salary from the gas station, and she still wouldn’t let me leave the lights on.” Sam shook his head and feigned bitter disappointment as Rainer and Logan continued to laugh hysterically.
“’Bout nine months later, traded in my Monterey, got an Oldsmobile Deluxe. Gonna bring my baby girl home from the hospital in style. I was glad that Olds had a radio ‘cause let me tell you, I couldn’t tell you who cried more, my sweet Dolores or Deidre. They both hollered to raise the rafters on that drive home. I done thought I’d lose my mind.” He smiled at the memory.
“See, Rain man, it ain’t the car. It’s the people inside the car, and you still got all of them right here with you, and that, boy, that’s where the soul comes from,” Sam concluded.
Rainer nodded his understanding.
“Thanks, Sam,” Rainer said solemnly. Sam nodded his acceptance. “So, you’ll help me find something?” With sudden desperation, Rainer needed to know that Sam would always be there and would always help guide him. This time, he intended to listen.
“You know it,” Sam drawled as he slowly walked Logan and Rainer back to the Hummer.
12
Remember
An hour later, Logan and Rainer walked solemnly into the cathedral where Samantha Peterson was being remembered.
Rainer had mourned Samantha the night he’d watched her be murdered. He mourned the loss of life, but, as he really considered everything, he knew that he’d never really even known Samantha, and that Samantha had never really known herself.
So, it was out of sorrow for her parents and sorrow over the loss of someone who had so much further to go, who should have been given time to figure all of that out, that Rainer sank into the pew between Logan and Vindico to pay his respects.
The senseless loss and the horrendous things that had been done to Samantha haunted every Iodex member seated in the pew.
From the loss, vengeance grew. It had to stop. Wretchkinsides had to be ended. This could not be allowed to continue.
As Rainer glanced discreetly at all of the officers seated beside him, he knew the people who were going to have to put an end to the violence and the terror surrounded him.
It had to end. The words echoed in the tears her mother shed and her father fought. They resonated from the priest who gave the eulogy. Each bitter dirge rang with the directive. The air seemed to resonate with determination and purpose as everyone stood and followed the Petersons out of the church.
13
Dr. Pepper
The following Friday, Rainer and Logan finally arrived home from another extremely boring day of following Clarence Pendergrath around the Academy, and then returning to Iodex to work on his father’s case.
Adeline had left the mail on the table, and was getting ready to have dinner at the farmhouse with the Haydenshires. She and Logan were to discuss her mother and the case against her with Jack Stariff.
Rainer tried to feel hopeful as he pulled a few hot dogs out of the refrigerator. Emily will be home in one week, he told himself repeatedly.
As the doldrums of sitting through sub-freshman classes that he himself had taken
and passed six years before, had been mind-numbing, he’d spent most of the day thinking about all of the things he wanted to do with Emily when she returned.
“Hey, Logan,” he called. Logan raised his eyebrows and handed Rainer one of the envelopes on the table as he inhaled a canister of chips. “You and Adeline are still planning on going to that bed and breakfast thing next weekend, right?”
Logan rolled his eyes. “Yes, but you owe me so big.”
“Hey, I believe you were the guy who said, and I quote, ‘hey baby, why don’t we give Em and Rainer a weekend when she comes home. I’ll take you somewhere fun. I know the trial is getting to you, so you pick anywhere you want’,” Rainer cracked up as he quoted Logan.
A smirk Logan couldn’t quite hide spread across his face. “Yeah, well, I was trying to show off my romantic side. I didn’t know she was gonna pick somewhere so girly,” he scoffed as he joined in Rainer’s laughter.
While giving Logan a mocking grin, Rainer continued to tease. He was enjoying the laughter. “That what you’re calling it now, ‘your romantic side’? What, did Adeline not like ‘Dr. Pepper’?” Rainer reminded Logan of the name he’d given his member when they were teenagers. They both doubled over, laughing hysterically.
“Hey,” Logan managed between guffaws. “Trust me, she likes Dr. Pepper.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“Yeah, well, that thing between her legs that Dr. Pepper can’t get enough of,” Rainer goaded, “it kinda makes them girly. So, if you say anywhere you want, then you end up staying at places called ‘The Betsy Carriage House’ that looks like everything that was ever pink or lacey crawled there to die.”
“That’s better than the dick inn, which is where she picked first.” Logan shook his head.
When Logan had made his romantic gesture, Adeline had pulled up a list of bed and breakfasts near Arlington, on the computer. The first listing that had interested her was named the ‘Richard Johnson Inn’.
