by Amber Garza
And that should be fine with me. It’s what I want, right?
Right.
Of course.
Then why does it feel like I’m trying to convince myself?
“What are you talking about?” Chase’s loud voice pulls me from my internal thoughts. “I was throwing gas at the last practice.”
Nolan snorts. “Are you sure you don’t mean that you had gas.”
“Screw you, Nolan. At least I didn’t let that ball fly right by me at third, allowing a runner to score.”
“Nah, you were too busy walkin’ guys,” Nolan teases.
Talia squirms uncomfortably in her seat. Normally I couldn’t care less if the girl I’m with is riveted by our conversation or not. In fact, in the past I’d be right in the middle of this little debate. And if I were to do that, I’d side with Nolan. So he made an error. He’s usually on. Sure, he sometimes makes some bad decisions that cost the team, but for the most part he’s a great third baseman. Chase, on the other hand, has been having a hard time replacing Cal, and it’s becoming worrisome.
But for some reason, all I care about is getting Talia out of here. Maybe it’s because I know how unhappy she is about being here. Or maybe it’s because she only came here to parade in front of Hayes, but she stayed after he left.
Whatever the reason, I touch her arm and lean over to whisper in her ear, “Wanna get out of here?”
Relief sweeps over her face, and she nods.
I toss some money on the table. “We’re gonna take off.”
The guys say goodbye while Talia and I slide out of the booth. I notice Chase checking Talia out as we make our way to the door. She does look good this morning. Smells good too. Like vanilla or something equally sweet and sugary.
Stepping in front of Talia, I press open the glass door, the bell tinkling over our heads. Her head bounces up to me, surprise evident in her eyes. I shrug as if to say that even jerks can be gentlemen sometimes. Outside, a gentle breeze skates over our bodies. It lifts Talia’s hair, emitting that sweet scent into the air. I fight the urge to reach out and thread my fingers through hers. We hold hands often. More than I’ve ever held hands in a relationship before. I’m not usually the holding hand type. I like the making out and touching part just fine, but holding hands has never excited me. But it is necessary in our plan. Ashley and Hayes need to see us acting as a couple as much as possible. However, neither of them are here, so I keep my arms pinned to my side.
A sigh of relief escapes Talia’s lips as she makes a beeline for her car in the parking lot. Irritation rises in me.
“Sorry for the inconvenience this morning,” I say bitterly. “Enjoy the rest of your day.”
She spins around, her eyebrows knit together. “Wait, did I hurt your feelings?” Her incredulous tone implies that she doesn’t even think that’s possible. Usually I’d be inclined to believe her, but for some reason my feelings are hurt. I’m not sure why, and there’s no way I’m going to sit around and analyze it.
Instead, I spit out, “No. Of course not.”
A flash of hesitation sparks in her eyes. “Cause I had already eaten breakfast when you called,” she hedges, speaking slowly while staring warily at me. “And I assumed the only reason you wanted me here was because Ashley and Hayes were also here.”
“And now they’re gone, so you can go.” I sweep my arms out, my irritation going up a notch.
Biting her lip, her gaze falls to her feet. “Okay.”
She sounds so confused that it cuts to my heart. Stepping forward, I cup her elbow with my palm. “I’ll walk you to your car.”
Nodding, she falls in step with me. “I think we made some progress though.”
I think about her kiss and about how I thought it might mean more. Clearly she was just stepping up her game. “Yeah. If that kiss in there didn’t sway Hayes, then I don’t know what will.”
Red blooms on her cheeks, and my lips curl up at the edges. It’s cute. Too cute. Shaking my head, I force the thoughts away. I have to get out of here. I’m losing focus.
I slowly exhale when we reach her car, grateful that this morning is almost over.
“Josh!”
At the sound of my dad’s voice my body goes rigid. Talia cocks her head to the side, her eyebrows shooting up as she notices my response. Her gaze slides over my shoulder where I hear footsteps nearing us.
Groaning, I turn around.
Dad jogs in my direction. Behind him, I spot Olivia. She’s smart enough to duck into the restaurant without acknowledging me.
“What do you want?” I cross my arms over my chest, wondering why he didn’t follow his fiancé into the diner. Why even bother talking to me? She’s the one he wants. She’s the one he chose. Talia moves closer to me, the side of her body touching mine in a protective way. Despite the fact that she’s not my real girlfriend, it causes my insides to warm, and I’m grateful for her presence.
“I was hoping we could talk,” Dad says breathlessly when he reaches us. “Hi.” He sticks his hand out to Talia. “I’m Josh’s dad.”
“Talia,” she answers sweetly, shaking his hand.
I frown. “What do we need to talk about?”
“The wedding,” Dad says. “I really want you there, son.”
“I’m sorry that you wasted your time coming over here,” I say. “I’ve already made up my mind. I’m not going.”
Dad’s shoulders sag. Even though I’m angry with him, it makes me feel a little guilty. Warm fingers thread through mine and squeeze gently. I toss her a slight smile. It’s not my large charming one. The one I flash daily. But it’s genuine. Maybe the most genuine smile I’ve ever given Talia. And the one she gives me back feels different than her usual ones too. The entire exchange unnerves me. I avert my gaze.
“Look, Josh, why don’t we go out to dinner? Discuss things. You can bring Talia.” He’s grasping at straws, desperation thick in his voice.
For a split second I want to say yes. Then I picture my mom’s face, her tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes. And my heart hardens back up. “No.” I shake my head firmly. “Now why don’t you get back to Olivia? I’m sure she’s missing you.” Without giving him the opportunity to reply, I release Talia’s hand and turn my back on him.
Awkward silence wraps around us. Talia bites her lip and looks down at her feet.
“It was nice to meet you, Talia,” Dad finally says.
“You too,” she responds, barely looking at him.
“I’ll…um…talk to you later, Josh.” My shoulders tense at his words. “If you change your mind…” his words trail off as if he can’t bring himself to ask again. Then I listen to his footsteps retreat. A few seconds later, in the distance I hear the bell on the diner door as it dings.
“You okay?” The concern in Talia’s voice causes a stir in my heart that I desperately want to ignore.
“Fine.” I stare out at the cars passing on the street and the people walking along the sidewalk. Anything to keep myself from looking at Talia’s face. If her expression matches her tone, I don’t know if I can take it.
“You’re really not going to the wedding?”
I blow out a breath. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because of my mom.”
“Did she tell you not to go?”
“No. She actually told me I should go.” Normally I would’ve cut off these questions long ago. I don’t like being interrogated, and I don’t like opening up to people. But for some reason, I keep answering Talia’s questions. It’s like she’s my therapist or something.
“Then why aren’t you?”
“My dad hurt her.” Turning, I look straight into Talia’s face. “She gave her life to him, and he left her for Olivia. Broke her heart. Going to the wedding would be a betrayal to her, and I won’t do that.” The pity on her face bothered me. This is why I don’t tell people stuff. “I better get going,” I say swiftly before she can say something apologetic to make me regret spilling
my guts even more than I already do.
“Okay.” She appears confused by my sudden need to leave. “I’ll…um…see ya later.”
“Yeah.” I back away from her, but stop abruptly. “Thanks, Talia.”
“For what?”
For being there for me when I needed you. For standing by me when my dad was here. For being a friend. “For showing up this morning after I texted you. I know it was last minute.”
She shrugs. “Hey, it’s all part of the plan, right?”
Ah, yes. The plan. “Right.”
“Did it work?” she asks suddenly.
“Did what work?”
“The kiss…and everything,” she stumbles over the words. “I…um…noticed Hayes watching us when we were in the booth, but I didn’t notice if Ashley was. So I was just wondering if it worked on your end.”
I don’t know if it worked. The truth is, that I hadn’t even noticed Ashley after Talia showed up. I was too fixated on Talia. That realization causes me to feel off-balance, out of control.
And I don’t like it one bit.
TALIA
The hall is crowded when I step out of my last period class, and I have to fight my way through the students walking shoulder to shoulder. Usually I’m the first one out, since my desk is right by the door. Ashley and Hayes have the class right across the hall, and I do my best to avoid them. Josh’s last class is clear across campus, and none of my friends share this period with me so I’m always walking solo. Running into them alone is the worst.
But today I had to stay after class to talk to Mr. Warner about my failing test grade. Luckily, he’s letting me retake the test. But the “F” scrawled in red marker is proof that this game with Josh has gone too far. It’s sucked up too much of my time and energy. Everything has taken a backseat to it.
But I can’t keep doing this. It’s my senior year. I can’t afford to flunk my classes.
A shoulder rams into me, and I’m jostled over, the scent of cologne and deodorant wafting under my nose. Glancing up, my breath hitches in my throat. Ashley and Hayes are walking in front of me, hands linked. Since their backs are to me, I contemplate ducking around them and hurrying toward the parking lot. But then they’d see me, and I’d look like a loser running away from them.
Instead, I decide the safest thing to do is stay put. Eventually we’d all make it to the end of the hall and go our separate ways. And perhaps they’d never even notice me at all. With my head bent down, I move one foot in front of the other.
“I can’t wait to see how well you play in practice today,” Ashley’s voice floats from over her shoulder.
Another advantage to staying hidden is eavesdropping. I move a little closer, but not too close. I don’t want to slam into her back.
“Oh, yeah?” Hayes banters back in that cute, flirty tone of his. I remember when he spoke to me like that, and it causes my heart to pinch.
“Yeah. You were so sexy at the last practice.”
She goes to his practices? I wonder why Josh never said anything about it. We’ve been missing out on a huge opportunity.
“Sexy, huh? Well, you can keep comin’ to every practice if you keep sayin’ stuff like that.” Leaning over, he presses his lips to her cheek, and I’m dangerously close to hurling.
“Only if I keep saying stuff like that, huh?” she jokes back.
It’s weird seeing her like this. I mean, I’ve seen Ashley flirt hundreds of times, but not like this. Not in a playful, gentle way. Usually it’s aggressive and needy.
“No.” He nudges her with his shoulder. “You know why you’re always welcome wherever I am.”
Seriously, give it a rest. What do they think they’re on? A teen sitcom. Gag.
Thankfully, we are almost out of the hallway. Ashley and Hayes step through it and walk to the right. Once I get outside, I make a hard left and scurry away from them. The sweet, flirty words they spoke to each other chase me as I walk toward the area where Josh parks.
When I find him, he’s leaning against his car laughing and talking with Nolan. His head bobs up as I approach, a smile lighting his face. Ever since the morning at the diner he’s been different with me. Nicer, more genuine. It’s odd. Not that I’m complaining, just can’t figure it out.
Nolan greets me and then moves away from Josh’s car. “See ya at practice, man.”
“Yep,” Josh responds before turning to me. “What took you so long?”
I frown. “Flunked my test, so I had to talk to Mr. Warner after class.”
“That sucks,” he says.
“Yeah.” I huff.
“Well, I better get you home so I’m not late to practice.” Josh reaches for the door handle on the driver’s side.
“Um…actually, I think I’ll stay here and watch your practice.”
His hand falls from the door and he peers at me with an expression of awe. “Really? You wanna watch me play?”
My stomach knots at the expectancy written on his features. It’s so unlike him, and I wonder if I’m imagining it. “Yeah. Well, I mean…I overheard a conversation between Hayes and Ashley just now. I guess she goes to the practices.”
“Yeah. Just the last one.”
I freeze. “You saw her at the last practice?”
He nods.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” It seems like it would’ve been an important tidbit. We were always trying to come up with new times to show off our relationship in front of both of them. This appeared to be the perfect time.
“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think of it.” He shrugs. “When I play, I’m pretty focused on the game.”
“Oh, okay.” I guess that makes sense. “Well, she’s coming to the practice today, so I figure it’s a win-win for both of us.”
“All right.” He says, but he doesn’t sound particularly happy about it.
I catch his eye. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I think it’s just this stuff with my dad. It has me all messed up.”
“If you decide you want to meet up and talk with him, I could go with you.” I don’t know why I offer it. Nothing about it sounds fun. A root canal would be more appealing. But something about his dejected behavior gets to me. Maybe because it’s so rare to see Josh like this, and when I do it makes me want to comfort him.
Shock registers on his face. “You would do that?”
Smiling, I nod. I assume he’ll be overjoyed with the admission.
Instead, his face darkens, and he steps away from me. “It’s fine. I don’t want to meet with him, and if I did, I wouldn’t need you there.”
Recoiling, it’s like I’ve been slapped in the face. “Okay. Point taken.” I whirl around. “I’ll see you at practice.”
“Talia, wait,” he calls after me as I stalk off.
“Don’t worry. I’ll still play my part,” I say without stopping.
He says something else, but I can’t make it out. And I don’t even care. I’m way too angry at this point. I can’t even believe I attempted to be nice. I never should’ve even made that offer. This thing between us isn’t real, and every time I start to think it is, I get burned.
But I won’t let it happen again.
***
These stands feel like home. I’ve spent so many hours sitting in these bleachers watching the Prairie Creek Panthers play. However, today is different. In the past, I was here for Palmer or Hayes. Or I was accompanying Ashley as she scoped out her latest boyfriend of the hour. Staring out at the field, my stomach churns. If only I could go back in time. I’d give anything to see Palmer smiling at me from left field. Or to have Hayes’s face light up when he spots me in the stands. Instead, Josh barely gives me a second glance. By the way his lips purse, I’d say he’s not exactly overjoyed by my presence.
A few minutes into practice, I contemplate leaving. Especially when Ashley saunters up. The smile Hayes throws her makes me want to vomit. And it drives home the fact that she’s supposed to be here. She’s here for her boyfriend. He
r real boyfriend.
I’m nothing more than a fake. A poser. And it kills me.
When her head swivels in my direction, I hurriedly avert my gaze. The last thing I want is to engage in a conversation with her. I don’t even know what I was thinking coming here like this. How is it doing me any good? Josh is on the field ignoring me. The whole thing is pointless. I start to stand up when a woman plops down on the bench next to me. Our eyes meet, and recognition is instant.
“Talia, right?”
“Yeah,” I say softly, sinking back down onto the bench.
“I thought that was you.” She thrusts out a shaky hand. “I’m Josh’s mom.”
“I know.” I take her hand in mine. It’s clammy, as if she’s nervous. For some reason that makes me sad.
When our hands separate, her gaze sweeps the field. “You here to watch Josh practice?”
I nod, again feeling like an imposter. If only I’d left sooner. There was no way I could take off now. I glance over at Ashley, and she’s watching us with curiosity. Her expression gives me pause. Maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps I can use it to my advantage.
“That’s nice of you,” she says with a smile. “I don’t usually come to his practices.” Pausing, she wrings her hands in her lap. “I was just kind of bored at home, I guess. Thought I’d swing by.”
The emptiness in her eyes cuts to my heart, and now I understand why Josh is so angry with his dad. There is no way to look at his mom without realizing how hurt she is. “Well, I’m glad you’re here.” Instinctively, I reach out and place my hand over hers. She stiffens as if surprised, but then relaxes, her lips curling upward a bit. “I’m sure Josh is happy you came too.” Taking a deep breath, I lift my head and scour the field for him. The truth is, I have no idea if Josh will be happy his mom is here. So far he’s barely acknowledged my presence. In all the games I’ve attended over the years, I’ve never seen Josh engage with anyone in the stands. Not girlfriends or family members. No one. But I’m praying that tonight will be an exception. It’s obvious that his mom needs that.
