Kate was stretched across the couch in the living room, phone in hand. It occurred to me to run back out, but Denny was already gone. He’d tapped his horn before taking off down Osborne Lane. I shut the storm door behind me.
“Got to go,” Kate said. “Evie’s home.”
I waved, signaling to Kate that she shouldn’t get off the phone on my account.
She hung up anyway and sat upright. On the shoulder of her sweater was one of the Valentine roses from school. “I got it anonymously,” she said, coming to show me. “But I think it’s from Harrison Rourke.”
The lump in my head throbbed and also vessels in my temples. I wondered if it was possible for the veins behind my eyes to rupture. My scarf got caught in the zipper from my coat. I tugged at it, saying, “Shit.”
“I’ll do it,” she said, rushing over. I raised my chin and she patiently worked the zipper down to the base. Some girls are just good at things. Of course, those same girls are usually bad at other things.
I dropped the coat and made my way to the bathroom, where I ran the water and pretended to pee. Possibly Kate was right. I had no idea of Rourke, what he felt. In the mirror I examined the irregular terrain of my face, the pyramidal zones of shadow and light. Jack had looked handsome in calculus. Maybe there was another girl he liked, one with bruiseless eyes, like Nina Spear, who rode horses, or Joss Mathers, who had signed his cast and given him a blow job two days before he and I had met. I thought of Denny’s Valentine’s date and of Kate and her rose and how everything was bursting forth from the dormancy of winter. Everyone was falling in love, in real, active love, while I was trussed to my own axis, like some dead meat spinning.
Kate called through the bathroom door. “You hungry?”
I splashed water on my wound and mussed my hair in back to hide the gooey spot. Flakes of blood stuck to my fingers, staining the towel in dots. In the medicine cabinet was an old compact with powder clinging in a kind of deranged ring to its outer edge. I pried off a chunk and dragged it on my face. The edges of the hard powder were sharp.
“Not really,” I called. “Jack’s bringing food.”
“Oh. Maybe he wants to be alone with you. You know, for Valentine’s.”
I rubbed in the makeup, flinching somewhat. It really was sharp. “Jack? I doubt it.”
When I came out, Kate was preparing coffee—laying out cups and spoons, filling the sugar bowl, pouring milk into a little china pitcher.
I cleared my throat, saying tentatively, “So, did you say something?”
“To Jack? About what?”
“No, I mean, you know—about the flower.”
She regarded me with curiosity. “Are you wearing makeup?”
“Why?”
“No reason. You look pretty, that’s all. You always look pretty.”
I leaned up to turn on the light. It was early for lights, but I thought it would be good to move the day along. Just, like, get to night.
“Well, at rehearsal,” Kate began, “Harrison said, ‘Nice rose.’” She started peeling an apple over the trash. “And you know when someone is thinking something? Well, he was definitely thinking something.” Kate finished with the apple, went to the counter, and cut it. She offered me some. I said no, thanks. She continued. “So, I said, ‘I wish I had someone to thank, but unfortunately, there was no name on the card.’ You know, I sort of hinted around.”
The coffee was boiling; she moved to turn off the heat. I felt embarrassed—for her, and also for Rourke. Kate could be very coquettish. I rested my head in the basin of my arms. My chin touched the table; the glass was cold. I thought I might vomit.
“And he said, ‘I doubt whoever sent it will stay anonymous for long.’”
“And then what?” I asked.
“And then, well, that’s it.” She handed me a hot mug.
“That’s it?” I lifted my head.
“Well, Michelle had a flower, so did Ellie, but he only mentioned mine.”
I took a sip of coffee. It was hot but good, and I felt better right away. It was nice, actually, spending time with Kate.
The front door slammed and Jack stormed in. He dumped two pizza boxes on the table and popped the stapled lid of the top one. Inside, the pie was shaped like a heart.
Kate said, “Hey, that’s really neat.”
Jack gestured to the pies with annoyance as he wiped his nose with his sleeve. “All they had to do was cut the dough to make two lousy hearts, and they wanted an extra buck per pie. Fucking proletariat morons.”
“Was it crowded? They were probably just busy,” Kate said.
Jack chucked his coat onto the floor in the hall. “Nah. It was empty. They just figured it was for her,” he said, referring to me, “so they gave me a hard time.” He hopped onto the counter. With his sneaker, he opened the base cabinet door and rested his feet on its rim. “Save the second pie,” he directed. “For Irene.”
He shot his hand through his hair and examined the room angrily. Kate whistled cheerfully, thoroughly immune to Jack’s sullen influence. Her body grazed his as she slid three unmatching glasses from the cabinet behind his head. He pulled back. I considered what was between them. There’s always something between people.
Jack glowered in my direction and scratched his jaw. “You haven’t slept yet, have you?”
“Oh, I forgot!” Kate interrupted, thrusting her shoulder at Jack. “Did you see my rose?”
Jack contemplated her with extreme disinterest, his hand hanging frozen on his face. “I know all about it.”
“What do you mean, you know? How do you know?”
Jack capitulated, plunging his arm to his lap. “Because Dan’s been talking about it for three fucking weeks.”
“Dan?”
Jack said, “Yeah, Dan.”
Kate set her coffee down and shuddered slightly, repeating “Dan.” She stood and padded out of the room, saying “Dan” again. Moments later her bedroom door slammed, and there was the distant sound of sobbing.
“What the hell’s wrong with Dan?” Jack demanded. He leapt off the counter and moved to the table and began plucking mushrooms from the pie.
I rubbed my face in circles with both hands, wondering what to do. It felt a little perverse to be in my position. Jack was contemplating me. The longer I remained silent, the greater the opportunity for him to construe that silence as evasion. It was amazing, the work his mind could do. He let the pizza lid float to a close. Stamped in red ink on the cover was a mustached guy in a chef’s hat holding a steaming pizza. He looked happy.
Jack raised my coffee cup. “Caffeine? Are you trying to kill yourself?” The mug smacked the table and coffee looped over the lip. “Dennis called me. He said you fainted.”
“I guess I—I fell. Or fainted.” I wasn’t sure what had happened.
He was behind my chair. “Stay still,” he urged, then he tilted my head to examine it. “Christ, Evie, there’s blood on it. Where’s the first aid kit?”
“Upstairs. In the bathroom.”
“Well, I can’t go up there. I might slap her,” Jack said. “You’d better go.”
I headed up slowly. I thought it was contradictory for Jack to get so upset over blood and caffeine, considering the abuses he leveled against himself. Besides, I hadn’t caused myself to faint, it just happened. Some people get bloody noses, others sleepwalk. Marilyn can get the hiccups for three days straight and Dad sneezes in series of thirteen—I faint. I’ve fainted at the Guggenheim, at Woolworth’s on 23rd Street, and at an International House of Pancakes in Cape Canaveral. Whenever Dr. Scott checks my blood pressure, he says, “Eighty over fifty. It’s a wonder you’re alive.”
I nudged Kate’s door. She was in bed, crying. “You don’t understand,” she said.
If she meant I didn’t know what it felt like to be in love, and in love with Rourke, she was wrong. But if she meant that I didn’t understand her love for him, she was right. If it was love that she felt, it was the sort of love that conve
niently bypassed natural law and practical reality.
I felt a little light-headed, so I moved to her bed. I looked back to the spot I’d been standing in. I tried to imagine what it was like to talk to me. Was it hard or easy? Jack had said the blood was fresh. Maybe it was running down my back like a mane or tail.
“You think you know everything,” Kate said.
I thought she was alluding to sex. I wondered if she felt it was time, that to venture further into virginity would be to attach unwanted magnitude to that state. Maybe she hoped to resolve it, just as some people have to get their driver’s license at sixteen, though they have nowhere to go. It’s a perilous business, devising to be taken—the flouncing and cuing, the skittish surrender of reason. Sex demands equality because sex involves the will—someone’s will, preferably one’s own. Maybe I didn’t know everything, but unfortunately, I knew that much.
“One thing’s for sure,” I said as I moved to get the first aid box from the bathroom. “He’s not crying right now. He’s not crying over the Valentine you didn’t send.”
18
I dreamt I was a paper doll. I was one in a row of paper doll cutouts sitting on a swing set. We wore triangular lime-green dresses and had shoulder-length flip hair, like from the sixties.
At lunchtime I tried to draw the dream, but couldn’t. Beyond the doll bodies, there had lain a sleepy hint of magic, something astral and sublime that continued to insinuate itself upon me, like an ocular echo. After school I rummaged through my mother’s bossa nova records. There were ones by João Gilberto, Stan Getz, Antonio Carlos Jobim. I finally settled on Getz/Gilberto because it had Astrud Gilberto singing “Corcovado.”
I stripped to my long johns, leaving my clothes in a pile near the hearth, and I listened to the song, closing my eyes to reconstitute the dream’s elusive vitality, its lightness and lift. The song was delicate and de-emphasized, melodious and modern, serene and insurgent, similar to the feel of my dream. It was feminine, but also civic and political. The women on the swings had been separate and connected—it would not have been possible to extract one without collapsing the whole. It was the way women used to be in the 1960s, or maybe just the way I imagined them to be. It occurred to me that I shouldn’t draw the dream but try to cut it, so I got a stack of paper from the basement and some sewing scissors from Kate’s room, then returned to the fireplace.
By the time I heard the rain, it was after six o’clock. Frozen drops were making a spreading sound on the roof, like nickels on a tent. I once proposed a study of the water cycle for a science fair. I wanted to draw attention to the beauty of the rain. Everyone always just complains about it.
Nick Kraft, the earth science teacher, said, “No way. Do not try to make rain.” He recommended a tidal wave or a volcano. “Tragedy is more fun,” Nick told me. “You buy some glue and plastic doodads at the five-and-ten, and create a theater of disaster.”
I wasn’t surprised by his response. In high school, the study of the earth is pretty much the study of maps and catastrophe, as though the only possible points of interest are border wars and devastation. It’s similar in other subjects—history is the history of battle, language is the study of English, and science is an excuse to play with acid and cut frogs. If you’re waiting for some creative digression into the rhetoric of math or the zoology of conquest, you will be waiting a long time.
I spread my legs as wide as possible and folded another sheet of paper in rectangular strips. I’d been having trouble with the hairstyles. They weren’t flipping properly. In my dream the hair had been weightless, curling up and in, with party kinks. I often dreamt of long hair now that my own hair was so short, though never before of happy, bouncing hair.
Suddenly the room darkened freakishly; the sky turned to ash. Wind discharged against the picture window in erratic gusts, and there was an itinerant commotion—sounds of people running through rain, of voices caught in pockets. The front door blew open with a slam, and Kate came through, her body huddled against the water. Her acting partner Tim Storey followed, urging her in, going, “C’mon, c’mon.” Tim stomped his feet and shook his head like a two-legged dog. It was funny to think of him that way, as though he were standing upright with difficulty, as though he would have been better served on all fours. He removed his shoes and crossed directly to the fire and stepped over me. I drew my papers into the pocket of my legs.
The door did not close. It was braced by a hand—Rourke’s. In one giant stride, he moved from the porch to the plank floor. When he passed through the door frame, he had to lower his head. His eyes found mine easily, as if he had expected me to be exactly where I was.
“Hey,” he said, and I replied, “Hey.”
He dried his feet and smiled shyly. I saw the edge of his perfect teeth and the dimple on the right side of his face, which was a furrow like a pen puncture. I returned to my work, though I continued to regard him from beneath the hood of my head. He unzipped his jacket, and there he was, in my tiny house. It was like having a constellation down from the sky.
“It was raining too hard for me to walk,” Kate explained. “Now it’s raining too hard for them to drive. You can just put your coat there,” she told Rourke, referring to the couch back, as she turned on the desk lamp. The incandescence blanched the firelight; I flinched. “Sorry,” she said, smiling tightly, rolling her eyes, adding, “Evie hates lights.”
Rourke scrutinized my mother’s bookshelves, the exhausted textbooks and frayed novels, the thumbtacked newspaper clippings and the loose nudes on cocktail napkins. How small the house seemed with him in it, how steeped with color and congested with effects. It was like a feast or a carnival; the ceiling seemed to swag. His eyes lingered on a white wooden sailboat I’d built in my dad’s shop when I was five, and he lifted it—feeling the canvas triangle crisp with paint, running one finger across the name painted on the block bottom. Eveline. It was nice that he looked for me there; no one had ever looked for me there.
Kate invited them into the kitchen. Tim hopped right off the hearth, but Rourke remained, continuing to scan the shelves in silence. When she called him once again, he moved to join them, first turning off the desk lamp that Kate had put on. His hand lingering on the switch, his back to me.
I looked for new music. I’d lost interest in bossa nova. The woman Rourke awakened in me was not gifted with delicacy or political cause; she came in an atomic rush, possessing nothing more than instinct and courage. I chose Al Green’s “Here I Am (Come and Take Me).” The song played the way I felt—knowing, but new, secretive, but open.
I can’t believe that it’s real, the way that you make me feel
A burning deep down inside, a love that I cannot hide
Rourke’s jacket was across the room. I resisted as long as I could, and then I crawled to the couch. My hand felt the leather. In the kitchen they chatted capably, as though they’d been brought together by choice rather than chance.
“Actually,” Rourke was saying, “I took a costume design course in college.”
“You’re kidding!” Kate giggled.
Tim said, “Why not, Kate? It was probably an easy A.”
“Not quite. I almost failed.”
“Oh, shit,” Tim groaned. “There goes the GPA.”
“I asked the teacher if there was anything I could do to bring up the grade. She said, ‘As a matter of fact, Mr. Rourke, there is. I’ll give you the weekend to make a wedding dress.’”
There was an explosion of laughter. “No!” Tim said. “The bitch.”
“What did you do?” Kate asked.
“I made a wedding dress.”
“And did your grade go up?”
“I got an A,” Rourke said, “and several marriage proposals.”
They laughed again and then moved into a discussion of politics and sports and classic cars. Rourke talked about the upcoming election and President Carter and the Soviet Union and Afghanistan and the boycott of the winter Olympics. Coming from his voice,
with its rich cadence, worldly things did not seem petrifying. It intrigued me, the way he excelled socially, the way he spoke that language but also mine. If I was sorry not to know more about current events, I was consoled by the fact that I could mold a finch from clay and recount in detail the aroma of a half-dead oak leaf. But possibly that all counted for nothing.
One by one, I burned my cutout attempts. The dolls made a contorted lattice on the logs, leaping eerily to puppet-like existence, contracting to pitiful cinders. It was like a breath—like breathing life into, like sucking it out again. There was a place in the middle where they looked best. It was the place of my dream.
A single sheet of paper remained. I folded it, then cut without penciling, my body reaching for each new inch, going by sense of feeling, and as I went, I kept thinking, It’s not the chime of the bell, it’s the echo of the chime.
To make the inner openings around the bodies and swings, I used an X-Acto knife, unfocusing my eyes, steering through resistant folds. Just as I made the final incision, and the curious remains dropped to the floor, the glow of the firelight darkened.
“What are you making?” he asked. Rourke spoke with care, as though aware in advance of the difficulties he might face. He wanted me to know he regretted using words on me so soon after using words on them and that the words reserved for me were different words. His caution was not inappropriate: somehow I felt I’d been lied to.
He squatted, his knees coming to the height of my shoulders. He allowed me to examine him, letting my eyes go slowly over. In his willingness to be searched and to be seen, in his conscious quietude I perceived his resolve. I had the feeling of being a cat to catch. Once Powell taught me how to catch cats. We were at the tracks, crouching to lure a stray kitten. “Build trust,” he instructed, hardly moving his lips. “Gesture slowly.”
Rourke’s forearms ventured off his legs. They reached into my vicinity then paused. When I did not pull back, they came farther. He took the paper from me, and I let him.
Anthropology of an American Girl Page 20
