by Mel Todd
A boyish grin lit his face even as he ducked his head to grab the sweats. McKenna stood up and turned around, letting the kid pull his sweats on in peace. She looked at the people hiding behind cars and running even further as the other cars came flying into the street, lights and sirens blaring.
“Better late than never I guess.” McKenna remarked softly to JD.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice soft, and his troubled look matched the feeling in her heart.
Chapter 19 - Talk About It
In India a massive riot is going on, and it has spread to engulf the business district of Calcutta. The cause seems to be pointed back to a man who shifted into a tiger and killed a cow. People have been rioting for hours, and the death toll has already climbed to the hundreds as fighting goes on, and shifters have fled the city in animal form, leaving chaos in their wake. This shattering to the beliefs of many Hindu’s that cows are sacred may tear apart the city. ~ TNN Breaking News
The amount of people the aftermath involved drove McKenna to the point that she flirted with the idea of letting the cat come out, just to see if people would go away. She didn’t.
No charges were pressed, though as she got back into the squad car, the sign in the window had disappeared.
She shut the door, buckled and looked at JD, who sat gazing out at the now quiet street. His spinner twirled once or twice in his hands, but the low-pitched hum sounded relaxing.
“Ready?”
“I think so.” His voice sounded off, and McKenna shot him a sideways glance.
“What’s wrong? Well, besides the fact that back up took way too long, we had to talk down a lion, and bigotry has raised its head once again?” Her tone wry as she watched him, eyes narrowed.
JD snorted and turned to look at her. “All that and everything else. But mostly wondering how the hell are we going to explain this stuff to a counselor?”
“Meh, you won’t have to. You were my partner, I’m the one that killed people. I think you’ll be fine staying with the basic answers. Me, this is just going to be something I have to get through.” Putting the car in drive she headed out, they still had two hours of their shift before shift change, and the counselor meeting.
“You okay with killing the guy?” JD’s voice broke into her mental wool gathering and she had to think about it a moment.
“Honestly, and I’ll deny this if you ever say anything, I don’t care. I don’t think about it. And that bugs me more than anything else. While I was the cat, he was a threat, something to be eliminated, and I did. I don’t have any emotions to the action at all.” She took a deep breath, her hands tight on the steering wheel. “That actually concerns me, but I think it is an aspect of the animal.”
JD shifted to look at her this time.
“Why do you think that?”
“I’ve been researching. Most animals live in the now, the present, and they don’t really have morals like we do. Or at least we assume.” She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just think this is more than just magic or something random. It seems too coherent.”
The radio squawked before JD could respond. The rest of the shift flew by, and when she pulled into the parking lot, her exhaustion level seemed insurmountable.
“Come on, we have hours left to go yet. Talk about your feelings, talk about a house, talk about plans for the future.”
“Please. Right now, if I had my preference, my only future plans would be bed,” McKenna muttered even as she pulled herself out of the car and into the station.
Holich waited for them as they checked in and dropped off paperwork. “Good. You have counselors waiting for you.”
McKenna didn’t let herself groan, but she did rub her eyes, thank god she didn’t have to wear make-up anymore.
“Thanks. Where?”
“Largo, you’re in my office, Davidson, you’re in the conference room. I’m going home. Talk, get it out, let them find you sane, and maybe I can get more than four hours of sleep a night.” Holich nodded at both of them and with an almost desperate air headed to the door with a quick stride.
“Huh. Think there’s a lot more going on that we know about?” JD asked his voice so low she could just barely hear it.
“Yep, and I don’t know if I’m happy or not that I don’t know.”
“Point.” He shrugged, and the impression of a bear came through with such clarity she blinked but pushed it away. “We might as well get it over with.”
She didn’t have the energy to even respond, just followed him down the hall, waving as he turned one way and she turned the other. The door to Anne’s office stood open, and she rapped on it.
A woman, a few years older than her, with traces of silver in her hair looked up and smiled. The smile made McKenna like her. It wasn’t fake, it was an ‘I’m exhausted, I want to go home smile, but I won’t be rude’ smile. That smile McKenna knew all too well.
“You must be Officer Largo?” The woman rose and came around the desk holding out her hand. “I’m Julia Conner.”
McKenna shook her hand, small bones, but a strong grip.
“McKenna please.”
Julia waved at the chair. “Sit please. And normally I don’t sit behind a desk, but this office won’t even let me pull the chair out from behind it.”
That elicited a snort. The office won prizes as the smallest one in the department, but Anne refused to move.
“Not an issue.” McKenna sank into the chair and tried to dredge up a positive attitude. Counseling was mandatory in any officer involved shooting, this just fell under that umbrella. But she’d never shot anyone before and had no idea what would be involved. Not to mention she didn’t know enough about the strange things going on to know what might or might not be valid reactions.
“So here is my spiel - I’m hired by the Rossville police department to provide counseling and assessment as to the officer’s ability to return to duty after any incident. While you do have an expectation of privacy, anything said that I believe affects your ability to perform your job will be relayed to your chain of command.” She provided a few other points and handed McKenna a paper that listed them all out. McKenna signed and handed it back, and Julia relaxed.
“Whew, I hate all the official crap, drives me up the wall, but I do have one more thing I need to make you aware of.” Julia raised her eyes to meet McKenna’s and smiled, a forced tired smile. “I also shifted. I’m a Red Panda.”
It took a full minute for the words to register with McKenna, and she started laughing.
“Something funny?” Julia tilted her head to look at her.
“Do I want to know how many favors they called in to find a shrink who changed?”
Julia’s mouth twisted a bit. “A few. I tend to do a very select practice, but when the governor calls personally to ask you to help, it is hard to say no. I live in San Fran, so coming up here isn’t that hard. This does happen to be my specialty. I normally work with veterans with PTSD and battle fatigue. What you tell me won’t be a huge surprise. Plus, I did a tour in the Army and spent time in the sandbox.” The slang comment for that area of the world told McKenna a lot, and the relief she felt lifted her exhaustion.
“So, what do we talk about?”
“Normally, I’d ask you that. But in this case the questions will be a bit more structured. Are you having any issues with killing those two men?”
McKenna had to fight not to shrug. Looking too nonchalant might not be a good idea but lying would probably get her in more trouble. But she had learned after years of dealing with Child Services, how to lie while telling the truth.
"I know that I should feel some remorse or guilt over taking another life, but the cat, shifter, world changing stuff has overwhelmed any other thoughts. You then add in what is going on here and everywhere, plus my 'fame', I really haven't thought about it."
For a second, Julia's eyebrows rose, then she frowned a bit and nodded. "That makes sense. Think about it now. How do you feel?"
"Frustrat
ed." The word was out of her mouth before she had time to censor it.
"That's an unusual word." Her voice was noncommittal, but McKenna didn't think the shrink was going to let it pass with just that.
With a mental eye roll she explained. "I didn't want to be filmed, I didn't want to have to choose to kill a man, and I didn't want the death of a child on my mind. Am I upset I killed him? No, not really. The dashboard cams, the bank videos, even my video all showed he had tightened his finger on the trigger. His weapon was loaded, and he'd killed before. Though I knew none of that at the time. But he forced me into a situation where I still don't see what else I could have done. And honestly, if I hadn't changed into a cougar, he wouldn't have been distracted, and then a child would be dead, probably me too. So yes, frustrated. Frustrated it happened, frustrated there weren't any other choices at that moment, and frustrated that I'm oddly okay with it." By this point she couldn't sit still and had gotten up pacing back and forth in the tiny room. The silence that fell after her last words made her think about them, and she realized what she had said.
Oh shit.
Julia looked at her, then very deliberately lay her pencil down, her eyes never leaving McKenna's. "Part of it is the cat isn't it?"
Her throat went dry, and she had to fight to swallow. "What do you mean?" She had stopped back to the wall, and she pressed her back against it watching the shrink intently.
Emotions warred across the woman's face, but she leaned back, her eyes still steady and started to talk. "I am an OCD type personality. I like things just so, obsessive about documenting data, always have lists of stuff I need to do, and sitting still for any length of time is almost impossible if I'm not also knitting, watching TV, and surfing the net all the same time. I'm regimented about my food, my free time, everything. It is why I am a good psychiatrist." She took a deep breath, but still McKenna couldn't sense any dishonesty from her, even if she didn't understand why Julia told her this.
"I'm telling you this, so you understand what I'm like. I spent part of this weekend as a red panda as my animal self."
That had a nice ring to it, and McKenna made a note of the idea.
"I had planned an hour for it, then I had stuff I had to do, things to check, lists to work. Then I moved into the panda, and none of it mattered. While the items on my all-important list needed to be done, they could wait a day, a week, a month. My need to move to do things right then disappeared. I played, I slept, I ate all the fruit I'd purchased as an experiment. I still remained aware of the list and could think about it, but the imperative was gone. Now I didn't need to. Now I needed to lie in the sun and enjoy the heat on my fur." She smiled slightly at McKenna. "That is the problem you are having? The cat did what needed to be done then, and now it isn't of any importance."
McKenna sank back into the chair, torn between relief and worry. "I think so, yes. I'm still me, but my emotional reactions are different, I have different priorities, but I'm still me I still know the difference between right and wrong, I just… " she trailed off unsure how to explain.
"Just all the worries that come with being a human in today's society are pushed back."
That was it exactly, and McKenna nodded. "Yes. All the stupid stresses, nudity, social games, they just don't seem to matter. Only thing that matters is what is going on now."
Julia nodded, then sat up and folded her hands, giving McKenna an intense look. "I'm going to clear you. And I'll deny this if asked, but I think being the cat when you killed made it something you could move past much easier. An animal doesn't worry about what was done, only what needs to be done now. I'm not saying it is healthy or right, but for now I don't have any other insight except that you're handling everything being thrown at you remarkably well, and that yes in the scheme of things, two bank robbers dying is the least of your concerns."
McKenna snorted. "You have no idea. Finding out that five billion people have seen me naked is causing more concern."
"Five billion?" Julia repeated slowly, then blinked as McKenna nodded, a sour look on her face. "I can see why that would be cause for discomfort." Julia shuddered, then shook her head and refocused. "I'm clearing you. Five more mandatory meetings in the eight weeks. And after this we can talk about whatever you want though I'll do a check in about the deaths each time. But for now," she glanced at her watch. "Go home. That is where I'm headed as soon as I log our session. The rest will be a full hour, but for tonight we've covered what we need to."
Feeling like her leash had been cut, McKenna sprang to her feet. "Thanks. This wasn't as bad as I feared."
"Rarely is. Night, McKenna."
McKenna headed straight to her locker. She needed to change into her 'new' kilt, and a t-shirt and out of this vest and thirty pounds of crap hanging at her waist. Five minutes later she was dressed, and rather enjoying the kilt feeling, though after a few minutes had realized some anti-chafing would be necessary. For the moment she grabbed her deodorant and rubbed it on her inner thighs. Moving experimentally, she decided it would do for now. While her thighs still rubbed together, the weight shifting burned off seemed to be mostly fat. Maybe someday she would have thigh gap.
The thought made her grin as she left the locker room.
The kilt with her sneakers and shirt felt interesting as she moved, but the kilt had pockets, being one of those utility ones. And her phone, keys, and a few other things had slipped in just fine.
"Huh, this is actually pretty comfortable." McKenna muttered looking at herself in the mirror. The heavy fabric didn't make her feel as exposed as skirts normally did.
With a mental shrug, she headed out to see if JD was ready yet. The conference room didn't contain him, or anyone for that matter, so she leaned against the wall to wait.
Before she'd even had time to do more than think about what she wanted to ask the owner, and hoping the house wasn't too expensive or unlivable by her standards, JD walked out. He stopped mid stride as he looked at her from the locker room door.
"You're wearing a kilt," his said. His jaw had gone slack and his eyes wide.
McKenna glanced down at the beige material, then back up at him. "Yep."
"You. Are. Wearing. A. Kilt," he said again.
She glanced sideways trying to contain a smile. "Looks like."
"Yes!" He pumped his hand in the air. "I have corrupted you. One down and seven billion to go." He did a half jig, and she lost her internal battle laughing out loud. It felt good, then JD started laughing, and they both stood in the hall drawing the occasional glance from the few officers still there.
Gasping for breath, she looked at him. "I needed that. But we're adding to our already tainted reputation. Ready?"
"Yep. Want me to drive and take you home, and I'll pick you up in the morning?"
"Sure, just grab coffee on the way to get me. Your choices are better than from my place to the station."
"Yep. Come on, Kenna. Let's go talk to a guy about a house." JD led the way out, and McKenna climbed into his hummer, finding it easier than it had in the past.
How much ease is from my body changing with the cat, and the kilt? Or is it both?
The cat question changing her rocked around her mind as they drove to JD's neighbor.
Chapter 20 - House Hunting
Zoos are coming under fire from shifters who are claiming they now understand exactly what the animals feel. A new group called the Animal Comfort Group has formed. A few zookeepers worldwide have joined it, and they have started to actively lobby for better environments for the animals they have in their care. Also, people have been coming forward and explaining some of the reactions animals have to certain things. Proponents for this change say the understanding of animals has jumped forward decades in the last few weeks, just from being able to experience things from inside an animal's skin. ~ TNN Headline story
Neighbor stretched the truth a bit. In reality, the house JD took her to ended up being about three miles from his house in the small subdivision. This hou
se still had land, and with two other houses near it with land also there were only two other houses in a thirty-acre space. But across the road sat a subdivision, and five miles away stood a strip mall. The land would be worth more as land than as a place to live, but McKenna didn't want to make money by buying and selling, she felt the need to find some place safe. Someplace where she could protect those she cared about.
She shied away from examining that idea and instead surveyed the house and land. Typical land for the Sacramento valley, it lay out flat and unruffled by any swells, golden with dry grass. Stepping out of the Hummer, she scanned the layout and realized she could live with it. Then she focused on the house and cringed.
Older, built in the seventies at least, it looked like a rambling ranch. Avocado green, dark brown trim, it looked in decent shape, but she hoped it the inside didn't match the outside.
I’d so have to paint that. Though at this point I have no idea what colors, except not that.
JD led the way to the nice front porch, big enough to hold some chairs and a table, but nothing sat on it. She could see a side door in front of the garage. He knocked on the door, then leaned against the railing and waited. McKenna shot him a look, but he just shrugged and looked unconcerned. Three minutes later, she timed it; the door pulled open and an old black man peered out at them.
McKenna rarely applied the adjective old to people, most people were just older than her, but this guy was ancient. His face reminded her of a wizened crabapple, teeth gone, hair whiter than the snow caps, and sharp eyes that didn't miss a thing.
"JD, you finally corrupted others to your silly fashion choices?" He asked in lieu of greeting, even as he stepped out on the porch.
McKenna figured he'd shrunk over the years, but still walked without assistance, and he scanned her up and down before shifting his attention back to JD.
"Not silly, practical. Otherwise I'd never have gotten Kenna to try it. How you doing, Jeremiah?" JD had a grin on his face and watched the old man with affection.
