I combat our awkward moment by opening my book reader to continue from where I left off last night. “Know then, O my lord, that whom my sire was King of this city . . .”
I carry on with my stories within stories, not sure when I close my eyes and dive into deep sleep.
* * *
When I wake up it is six-thirty, and still dark outside due to the long winter nights. The first thing I notice is Adam sleeping on my shoulder, his arm wrapped around me possessively. Oh no! This shouldn’t have happened. He seems to be in a deep, blissful sleep. How come I didn’t wake up when he put his arm around me? Why was I so dead to the world that I didn’t recognize his touch? And the nightmares? It feels like they were never a part of me. As if my demons can’t come close to him, due to his powerful soul. I watch him sleeping, feeling the desire he has ignited in me—is he a dream that will fade away with time, or is he my reality?
I wish I could freeze this moment and live in my fantasy, where no past stabs me to death, where I can feel Adam’s touch connecting to the real woman in me—a woman who was brutally murdered in the past. The angels on my shoulders writing my fate fail to communicate with me when it comes to Adam.
I slide from his arm gently, trying not to disrupt his sleep. I rush to the washroom and change my clothes, then start my prayers, asking forgiveness from God that I let Adam touch me. I let him get close to me even though it is not permissible in my religion, if he is not my husband. I don’t promise to repent because I don’t know if I can keep from letting him come close to me.
Oh God! Please help me. Only You can guide me. If he is the right man to trust my life to, then open all the doors for me. Untie all my ropes and clear all the barriers that are blocking me from trusting him. If You have sent him to protect me, then show me the light which can guide me to decide my own fate. If he is not the man to trust, then why did You send him into my life? Why did You put so much concern and care about me into his heart? Oh God! I seek forgiveness for letting myself surrender to him. Please show me the path. Amen.
When I open my eyes, I see Adam looking at me keenly. He smiles as soon as our eyes meet. He looks adorably sexy with his mussed morning hair. I close my eyes again and utter a silent prayer.
Oh God! If he is not the right guy then do not let my heart fall for him. Please! Please!
“A very good morning to you, my dear.” I hear Adam’s sleepy voice.
“Good morning. You slept well?”
He passes his fingers through his hair. “Never slept so well in my life. I am thinking of moving in with you. What do you say?”
“Mr. Gibson, moving in with me? In this small, one-bedroom apartment?” I ask in surprise, smirking at him.
“This is a haven. It is home. And don’t tease me with my name. It sounds like mockery.” He is actually laughing. “And if I’m sleeping and eating here every day, I better bring my stuff.” I am not sure if he is joking or if he’s really serious. I can’t let him move in with me. It is such a huge step. We are not even in a relationship. He crawls into my mind conveniently and reads my expressions. “So I’m not welcome in my haven?”
“Don’t you want to go? The earlier we reach the museum, the better it is.” I change the subject, ignoring his desires.
He rolls back and rests his head back on the pillow. “Isn’t it too early? It’s not even eight in the morning. I want to rest longer. Your place is very comfortable, Rania. Though it is small, it gives me a homely feeling every time I come here.” I don’t know what brings him to my place. What do I have that isn’t in his lavish home? He rolls over again to face me. “You know, Rania, sometimes money doesn’t buy everything.”
“But it is better to cry in a Ferrari, than on a bike.” I wink at him, cracking a joke. He laughs at my response.
“But, don’t you think it’s even better to cry in somebody’s arms, rather than a Ferrari or a bike?” His tone gets serious. I know where he is leading me. “You know I have all the luxuries at my place, all the amenities—you name it, and I have it. I have invested a lot of time and money to build that place, but somehow I don’t feel complete when I go there, like the feeling I get when I come here. What do you think is missing?”
I look at him for a moment, and then smile. “I haven’t seen your place, Adam, but I believe it is your heart that you forgot to put there. I guess you are placing your heart here. That’s why you feel like it’s home.” He keeps looking at me in silence. I don’t know if he actually got what I was trying to tell him. I get up from the floor, folding my prayer mat, and he takes my hand and makes me sit on the bed.
“My heart is where you are, Rania. Wherever you go, it will go with you.” He takes my breath away with his declarations. How can he say such strong words, in such a simple way, without making it complex? Is this called a declaration of love? No, we can’t fall in love with each other.
It is impossible.
If he is moving in that direction, I will have to stop him before it is too late for both of us. That path has no u-turn; it is a one-way road leading us to the darkness. I am already lost. I don’t want this good soul to wander in the darkness with me.
“I’ll go and prepare breakfast.” I drop his hand and head to the kitchen.
THE CONFESSION
♂
Two weeks have passed—I didn’t realize time actually flies. Rania fulfilled her promise and gave me the most treasured two weeks of my existence. For the first time in my life, I understood the true meaning of companionship. We visited all the tourist attractions, including fulfilling my desire of walking down the streets of Niagara Falls. From museums to art galleries, from Playdiums to theaters, from crazy malls to long walks under holiday décor, we did everything one could imagine. She has no idea what she has given me. A gift of memories I will keep in my heart forever.
We took an unlimited amount of pictures to create a memory book for me. She also forced me to keep my word about not spending money on her. We each bought our own tickets, just like a teenage couple with very little money. I like the feeling that she’s with me just for me, and that money is the last thing on her mind. She already has my heart, what else could she take from me?
Mike was apparently able to get rid of the stalking photographer, or maybe Ethan was worried that we’d trace the pictures back to him. There were no more pictures of us in the magazines and newspapers. Also, I paid a good amount to the local papers not to print anything about her, even if they had found out. We visited a new place every day, and usually came home around six in the evening. Rania cooked for me daily. Sometimes, she also invited Mike to eat with us.
I was hardly ever going to my place. Rania never agreed to my request to move in with her, but she never asked me to leave, either. Every night after dinner, she read me Arabian Nights, which made me time travel with her into past centuries, until she finished the book the day before our vacation time was up. In those two weeks, I got a chance to visit her dance classes. When she danced, it was not her body that moved with joy, it was her heart that rejoiced.
Those were the best days of my life. She also taught me how to do justice to an ice cream cone. I had to book the entire ice cream parlor for her, as I couldn’t let anyone see her licking the sweet flavor so seductively. She enjoyed teaching me as much as I enjoyed learning, though she didn’t know I learned it when she taught me the first time. I was only pretending to be the fool, so that she could teach me again, and I could enjoy watching her lick it.
Our friendship flourished with each passing day, but in all those days of companionship, I couldn’t find her heart. She was with me all the time physically, but whenever I tried to open myself up to her, she shied away. I was starting to develop a fairy tale fantasy that she was captured in some spell, and once I’d kissed her, the spell would be broken. I knew her body was feeling my touch, but whenever I tried to come close to her with the intention of kissing her, she
would freeze, as if her soul had been pulled out of her body, making her a piece of dead meat.
Was she telling the truth, when she told me on our first meeting that she had nothing to offer me? Why did I always feel that she wanted to take that path with me, but something was blocking her? She’s different from all the other women I’ve known. She doesn’t plan for the future. She only lives in the present, or perhaps, her past is not letting her step into the future.
For the whole two weeks, I tried every possible way to dig her past out of her, but I failed. She has enclosed her heart in a hard shell and thrown it away in some deep dark well.
There were also more strange incidents in the middle of the night. Several times I woke up to find her in the dark closet or washroom. From the other side of the door, it sounded like she was speaking to someone in a strange language, but when I came in, she was staring blankly as she had in the hotel room. Every time that happened, I asked her about it in the morning, but all she would say was that I was either dreaming or hallucinating.
I tried leaving evidence to let her know I wasn’t dreaming. One night, when I saw her standing in the closet alone, talking to someone, I took out one of her scarves and placed it on the bed, so that the next morning when she woke up, I could tell her that I took that scarf out because I found her in the closet. But strangely, that evidence also disappeared in the middle of the night. I started to worry that she might suffer from a sleep disorder. That could be the reason the doctor had provided the pills. But most people who sleepwalk don’t talk as well. I wanted to take her to the doctor, but if she wouldn’t believe there was a problem, then he wouldn’t be able to treat it.
But the thing I most wanted to know about was the scars that marred her skin and wounded her soul. She had made me promise never to bring them up, as she didn’t want to walk down that horrible path.
I also had lots of arguments with Rania about her attending the summit in New York. I needed to attend a conference in Toronto on the same dates, and I was worried about her going without me, so I kept asking her if she could drop the plan. She insisted that she needed these kinds of summits to boost her career. Imagining her in a different city, alone with Ethan Murray, was scaring me to death. She kept telling me that I should trust her and there was no man in this world who could seduce her, but I also know how shrewd Ethan is, and Rania is very innocent in these matters.
During our vacation, my mother called us and invited us to a Christmas Eve party that she’s organized in a grand party hall of the Ritz Carlton Hotel. Mom has been looking forward to this party, and she expects all her kids to be there. She invited Rania before she even invited me, making me feel that Rania is very important to her. Eva called the next day to take her out shopping, to get a dress for the party. I tried to convince Rania that I would buy her party clothes, but she wouldn’t let me buy anything for her. Those crazy girls dragged me into every store, but they didn’t find anything they liked. I never knew shopping with females could be so tedious. When they liked something, it would be too expensive, and when they found something with a good price, they didn’t like the fit. Are all females the same, or are the ones I have just terrible at shopping?
Finally, I managed to get them to Holt Renfrew, and convinced them that they could buy anything their hearts desired without looking at the price tag, as a Christmas present from me. Eva went crazy with her brother’s generosity, and picked up some useful stuff. Rania was still reluctant to buy anything with my money. She’d pick up a dress, check the price tag and put it down without even trying it on. I know how gorgeous she looks in those designer dresses; she blew me away the night of the opera. I asked Eva to convince Rania to buy something, but she didn’t listen to either of us. Finally, she shut me out, saying that she would wear the same dress I got her for the opera. Since she had only worn it once, and no one had seen it other than me, she considered it to be a new dress. She also said that, as expensive as it was, she couldn’t justify wearing it only once. I had no other option than to let her win, like always. I tried to convince her many times that whatever was mine was hers, but I guess money was the last thing she would ever consider.
I really love the feeling that I have one sincere friend who sees beyond my riches, but sometimes she is so needlessly difficult that it’s impossible to deal with her. Every girl wants her man to spend money on her, but she never let me spend a single penny. I decided that after the Christmas party I’d give her the necklace I wanted to give her on our first date, and tell her my feelings.
I don’t know where my life is taking me, but imagining it without Rania is inconceivable. My eyes search for her when she’s not around. My body craves her when she’s not there. Since the day I met her, not a moment has passed that I haven’t thought about her. Every time I see her, I want to kiss her passionately to let her know how I feel. I know she has feelings for me too, but they are always defeated by her awful past. She said she trusted me, but she doesn’t trust me enough to share her haunted memories. I know Mike is aware of her past, but I would never dare to ask him, as it would hurt her. The darkness that she holds in her eyes draws me to her, maddening and amusing me at the same time.
Today is the evening of the 23rd of December, the day before the party, and I’m stuck in a press conference in Halifax. I wanted Rania to come with me, but she prefers not to get involved in my business obligations. This conference will go on for a few more hours, but I should be back in Toronto by morning so that we can go to the party together. This night seems endless without her—I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. I wonder if she will be able to sleep without me, or if her nightmares will scare her. Right now, I’m with people from all over North America, discussing green homes and their advantages on saving energy. I try hard to concentrate, but my heart is stuck back in that one-bedroom apartment. They ask me a couple of questions, but once Ali notices I’m not paying attention, he answers on my behalf. My mind is completely fucked up.
If I don’t tell Rania how I feel about her, my life will never move forward. But I’ve also been eager to tell her that she looks like the same woman who cast a spell on me with her dancing, back in February. I decide to tell her about it after declaring my feelings. I’ll tell her that I feel she is the same woman who captured my heart at first glance. I will tell her that the darkness in her eyes reminds me of the woman, dancing under enormous lights. I don’t know if she will actually believe my story, as that place never existed, but this way, at least, she will get the message that she is the one who has captured my heart. I promise myself that I’ll tell her everything that I have been holding in for so long.
Adam Gibson! You are in love.
Ali’s cell rings, and he excuses himself and leaves the press conference, which forces me to pay attention to the questions coming from the media. Ali reappears after a few minutes, but instead of sitting, he whispers in my ear.
“Come out, Adam, there is an emergency.” I excuse myself and step out of the conference hall, looking at him quizzically. “There is a fire on the sixteenth floor of Archeries condominiums, building number two.”
I feel like someone has bombarded me with a drone. I say, “That’s Rania’s floor. It’s not her apartment, is it?”
“The one next door,” Ali says. “The fire department is already there, but…”
“But what?” My heart skips, making it difficult to breathe.
“We have news of two casualties.” He pauses and gulps for a second. “Both are dead at the scene. I’m trying to call Rania, but her phone is off.”
She’s dead?
I fall on my knees, as if someone has pulled the rug from under my feet. Ali supports me and helps me sit on a nearby couch.
“I’m pretty sure, Adam, there’s nothing to worry about. Let’s just pray she is safe. I have asked Frank to update me every few minutes. I have sent him Rania’s picture, in case he’s able to locate her. They have evacuat
ed the entire building; there’s no one left inside. I am here to get the news, so you can go inside and carry on—”
“I want to go back, Ali,” I interrupt.
“The conference is almost over.”
“I said I want to go back now!” I yell. He makes a few calls to hire a private aircraft so I can leave immediately. He goes back into the conference hall, probably making excuses for my absence. I close my eyes and cover my face with my hands, resting my elbows on my knees.
Oh God. Please don’t take Rania away from me. Because of her, I started to believe in Your existence, and You can’t do this to me now. Please, make sure she is safe. I take a deep breath. Oh Rania, call me, please. Tell me you’re okay. I’m dying a thousand deaths every second here. I will take you back from God, if you ever plan to leave me. But you know best how to talk to Him. Tell Him I need you. Tell Him I haven’t loved anyone so deeply in my life. Tell Him if He plans to take you away from me, then take my life as well. We’ll meet in Heaven. I feel Ali’s hand on my shoulder for comfort. I have never cried in public like this, but my existence is crumbling around me.
People notice me falling apart, but I don’t care. All my memories of her roll through my mind like a movie. I still feel her innocent face in my hands. I still smell her fragrance on me. I still hear her laughter at my jokes. I still feel her holding me tight during her nightmare. I still feel her fingers passing through my hair, to calm me down.
No, Rania. You just can’t leave me.
Ali hugs me like a brother and lets me cry. “She can’t go away like this, Ali. She can’t leave me.”
“Don’t worry, Adam. I have a strong feeling that she’s all right.”
“Then why isn’t she picking up the phone? Call her friend Mike. Ask him to find out.”
“I did. He and Ben are not in the city. But I informed them because Ben owns the apartment.” Ali has tried everything.
A Silent Prayer Page 32
