* * *
“Second,” Zee began, “your agent, Jill Grinberg—”
“Your agent–soul mate,” Art added. “Or would it be soul mate–agent?”
“You’re not the easiest of clients—”
“He’s super nice!”
“I meant b.t. is not the easiest of people to sell. And your career and ambitions are all over the place—”
“It makes you special like us,” Art said, and hugged me again.
“Sure, yeah, it makes him special. But special doesn’t always put food on her kids’ plates.”
“But special puts food into their souls!”
“Thank you, Art,” I said, and we high-fived.
“Am I going to be the only mature one today?” Zee asked.
“That does fit in with our theme,” Art said, and winked. Winked.
“I guess the answer to my question is yes. So I’ll add a second shout-out to Jill and the subtle powerhouse of a human being that she is and also thank her whole team, including Denise St. Pierre, Cheryl Pientka, and Katelyn Detweiler.”
* * *
“Third,” Art said, and hugged me before he even said who number three was. “Your mom.”
“My mom? I usually thank my family together.”
“We know, but…” Art stopped, looked toward Zee.
She took a moment, before saying, “I know you started writing our story—my mom’s story—not too long after your mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. And you thought she’d be gone by the time this book came out but she’s still here.…” Zee had to stop.
Both Art and I leaned over and hugged Zee.
“Your mom was the one who taught you the joy of reading, the importance of language, not just for communication with others, but also even more important for communicating with your own inner self.”
I laughed. They didn’t find it funny.
“She reads anything you write, even the bad stuff, and she always finds something nice to say. She’s a great mom.”
You are, Mom.
“Plus,” Art said, “once I discover interdimensional time travel, it will be probably be proven that I’m her father.” Zee and I both gave Art a look. “You both know what I mean and you know it.”
“Can we also thank my dad here?” I asked. “Structurally it doesn’t make sense to thank him later.”
“No,” Zee said, “because you haven’t guessed our theme yet.”
“I think I know,” I said.
“Oooh,” Art said, “what is it? What is it? I want to see if he gets it.”
“Well,” I started, “ever since the election that shall not be named right now, I’ve been thinking about how the future is female and the first three people you listed are three of the strongest, smartest, and most intuitive women I know.”
“Yeaaaaaa…” Zee said. “But no.”
“No?”
Zee went on, “No. The future being feminine is a part of it—and you better fucking believe that part is true—but you’re missing the whole picture. To prove it, I’ll thank your dad now: He’s the type of man who’s strong enough to have a strong wife and at once sensitive enough to have a sensitive son. That combination—especially of men from his era—is far more rare than it should be.”
Thanks for being you, Dad, so I could be me.
* * *
“Fourth, the Wolfpack, your writing crew,” Art said, “and even though that name isn’t nearly as brilliant as Zert, it’s still pretty great.”
Zee added, “Jennifer Wolfe, Gretchen McNeil, James Matlack Raney, Julia Collard, and Nadine Nettmann. They’ve become some of your best and most trusted friends while being indispensable at responding to your work.”
“Oh, please, Zee’s just trying to sound like an intellectual,” Art said. “You and your writer friends mostly tell sex jokes and eat Gretchen’s homemade desserts.”
I said, “Those jokes aren’t really appropriate for teenagers to overhear, Art.”
“b.t.,” Art said, “teenagers today have this thing called the internet. We know more and have seen more than your teenage self could have possibly imagined.”
* * *
“Fifth,” Zee began, “your CrossFit family. Which strangely feels like bizarro world of my CrossFit family.” She winked at me. “Not only did they inspire a lot of things you wanted to explore with our story, but they also took the time to read it.”
Art said, “First, let’s thank your CrossFit sisters and brothers, Glen Clarkson, Taylor Montana Catlin, Malinda Guerra, and Bryan’s big brother in another dimension, the one and only Michael Colucci.”
“And everyone’s CrossFit mother—who’s younger and in far better shape than you—Meridith Harris. And finally—”
“Zee!” Art screamed. “You better let me be the one that brings up Bill!”
“I just wanted to see how you’d react.”
Art ignored her, stood up. “And MOST IMPORTANT, we want to thank your CrossFit husband, Bill Sindelar, who is—of course—my BFF even though we’ve never met.”
I asked, “Should we explain what we mean when we say he’s my CrossFit husband?”
“No! Absolutely not,” Art said. “Anyone who would judge what you two have is not worth explaining it to. And everyone who has an open heart to all forms of love wouldn’t need an explanation anyway.”
* * *
Zee said, “Sixth will be four important fellow writers. All vital to this book and your life. We’ll start with Katherine Carlson, who taught you about sexual and gender complexities before the wider world was talking about them.”
“And of course we have to thank the beautiful Jen Richards. She was instrumental in giving insights into all themes, big and small, and particularly important in helping Stephanie be the Stephanie she was meant to be.”
Art continued, “Your high school literature teacher, Mr. Ruter—there are rumors his first name might be Allan—who challenged you back then because you deserved it and has supported you since because you needed it.”
Zee said, “Last of our special three is Christine Lavaf. She’s ten years younger than you but, in many ways, ten times as wise as you. Her ability to offer sage advice both literary and personally is a gift from the universe.”
* * *
“All right, guys,” I said. “This might be the longest acknowledgments in history and you haven’t even told me the true theme yet.”
Art said, “b.t., before we tell you that we have to thank your amazing—and yes, she deserves my favorite word!—AMAZING wife, Danica.”
Zee nodded with approval. “She’s a badass. More degrees from more Ivy League schools than I thought possible. Emergency room doctor who dedicates her life to helping children. Wakes up at five a.m. to run. Doesn’t take crap from anyone. Like, literally stares people down to let them know she doesn’t have time for their bullshit.”
“Your wife is one of Zee’s heroes, if you couldn’t tell. She is also the greatest partner to you, in running your lives together and in raising your kids together.”
“Your boys are both these weird combinations of Art and me.”
“And by weird, Zee means Axel and Leif are special enough to love playing Star Wars and singing princess songs.”
“The reason we saved your wife for last is because she best captures a key element of our theme. She’s the doctor, the bigger breadwinner, the payer of bills, and, not that I want you to feel bad about yourself, the better athlete.”
“What Zee’s trying to say is that she’s a beautiful strong woman and you’re a beautiful sensitive man. Your partnership works because you don’t judge—at least judge too much, ha—each other for not fitting the outdated traditional gender roles.”
“On your best days, you are especially grateful that she is who she is so you can be who you are.”
“That’s great,” I said, “but that doesn’t feel like you stated a theme.…”
* * *
“So,” Zee began.
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“Yes, so,” Art began himself, and winked.
I said, “You two are acting funny.” They had fused in a way none of my other characters had. There was no tension between them. Not like with all other couples I knew, no matter what side of the page they were on. Just a united energy, free-flowing back and forth.
“The answer to your question, b.t.,” Art started, “is yes, Zee and I have reached a higher plane of existence.” He laughed.
Zee said, “He’s being silly. But we do have a question for you.”
“Okay.”
“Why do you think you write all your books in alternating between the boy and girl characters?”
I knew the answer to that. At least I thought I did. It’s what I always said in interviews. That I did it, “because I write love stories above anything else. And not to know both sides of the love story would make the story feel one-dimensional. It would make the love itself feel one-dimensional.”
“And that may be true,” Zee said, “but Art and I have discussed this a lot recently—”
“It feels very close to our own lives.” Art stood and hugged me again as Zee continued, “And I think just like you found a balance of masculine and feminine in your marriage, you are still searching for that right balance of masculine and feminine inside yourself.”
Mmmmh. As she said that, my brain started vibrating. Didn’t know what that meant.
“We think,” Art said, “you have been trying to understand your feminine side through Zee, Carolina, and Penelope. And your masculine side through Trevor, Benedict, and me.”
“Only,” Zee said, “when you were telling our story, who was masculine or who was feminine and when or why became impossible to predict.”
“True,” I said.
“So now,” Art said, “you wonder if you’ll ever be able to balance the masculine and feminine inside yourself.”
Maybe.
“But here’s the thing—that’s what all aware people are trying to do, consciously or unconsciously. We’re all searching for that balance. But this moment in history is not just any moment in history.”
Art leaped up and screamed, “IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT EVER!”
“It’s,” Zee said, looking me straight in the eyes, “when the Age of Masculinity is ending and the Age of Femininity is beginning. A thousand years from now—”
“Or even, like, five years from now!”
“Doubt it will happen that fast, but that’s not the point. The point is that up until this Age of Transition, to succeed in life—publicly or professionally—you had to stress your masculine traits. Didn’t matter what gender you were born, you had to be those clichés of masculinity—tough, independent, assertive—in order to gain and keep power of any kind.”
“BUT NOT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW!” Art yelled.
“Thank you, Art.” Zee laughed. “But in the very near future, it will be the feminine qualities that will be looked to in our leaders. Sensitivity, empathy, intuition, patience.”
“And it doesn’t mean just because you’re born with a penis, you have to sit out the rest of history!” Art said.
“But it does mean that just being born with a penis will no longer be enough. Men will have to do what women have done for thousands of years—find that balance of masculine and feminine inside of them.”
“And then ignore all natural male instincts.”
“Art’s kidding. They don’t have to ignore those instincts. They just have to learn to prioritize their feminine side if they want to be one of the leaders going forward.”
I said, “It’s funny you guys are saying all this now when the election of 2016 was supposedly a sign that the patriarchal society was taking control back.”
Zee said, “I read somewhere that that election will be remembered as the last hard kick of a dying mule. I think every day since that election proves we are right. There were more people at the Women’s March than the inauguration—”
“Let’s not dwell on what’s-his-name; by the time this book comes out hopefully the Age of Femininity has put him where he belongs. And if it hasn’t, it will soon.”
“Well said, Art.”
“So keep doing what you’re doing,” Zee said. “Keep searching and finding that balance. I think you’ll find the more you talk about it, the more you will find other people are doing it too.”
Art then added, “And the more other people do it, the faster the Age of Femininity and all its amazingness can truly begin!”
Zee turned to me with that gaze, at once intense and peaceful, and said, “Because you’re right, the future is female … and for it to truly work, that means the feminine in all of us.”
addendum
Before the Addendum, an Addendum to the Addendum from the Author, b.t. gottfred:
On the following page is the Zert Scale, something Art and Zee wrote entirely on their own. I know they would want me to include it—and I want to include it—but I would also suggest to read it separately from the novel itself.
So put the book down. Come back in two weeks or two months, when you miss Art and Zee and also find yourself in the mood to read a strange, beautiful, and academic (and yet not at all academic) theory on what love (and maybe the universe) is made of.
the zert scale:
The Combination of Stuff Love Is Made Of
by Dr. Zhila Kendrick & Dr. Arthur Gholbani
“Art, I don’t think we can call ourselves doctors.”
“No one checks those things.”
“People always check those things.”
“Is this better?”
by Dr. Zhila Kendrick & Dr. Arthur Gholbani of the Zert Institute
“Not really.”
“If someone actually publishes this, we’ll consider this a high-class problem.”
“Fine.”
This paper shall explore the balance of the masculine and feminine that exists between two people when they form a physical, emotional, intellectual, chemical, or spiritual partnership.
“Art … maybe we should say ‘might exist’ so we don’t sound like we know everything.”
“But we do know everything. Ha. Okay, okay, I’ll add that later. Do you think we should include attractions between three people, like you, me, and that green-eyed boy?”
“I think we keep it to just two people because this is already way too complicated.”
First thing, people should know that we stole a bunch of information from the internet. Like Wikipedia’s general definitions of masculinity (courage, independence, and assertiveness) and femininity (gentleness, empathy, and sensitivity). And stuff like the Kinsey Scale we sort of stole from but also are trying to evolve beyond.
“Art, I think we will have to do more than just say we stole from them. Also, we shouldn’t use the term ‘sort of’—it makes us sound unprofessional.”
“Okay, you can do that later because you’re better at school than me. You know, I think we need to come up with new terms to replace ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine.’ Like, you’re sensitive and empathetic but you’re ALSO courageous and independent. And I’m assertive, clearly, but I’m also very gentle and empathetic.”
“And sensitive.”
“Ha, ha … I’m serious, Zee!”
“And that’s why we are writing this paper. To expand people’s definitions of masculine and feminine.”
“But wouldn’t it be easier to just come up with new words altogether? It will take hundreds of years for people to lose society’s stupid assumptions that boys are more independent than girls and girls are more gentle than boys.”
“Yeah, okay, maybe. But this is going to get really fucking complicated.”
“I love complicated. How about—”
All traits that old people (and people that think like old people) associate with “masculine” shall now be known as Xulo and ancient assumptions of “feminine” traits shall be known as Olux.
“Did you just make up those terms right now?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Because they sound like made-up terms.”
“But do you see how they are the same letters but in different order? It’s to suggest that all of us—no matter if you’re a feminine boy like me or a—”
“You just used the word ‘feminine.’”
“UGH! See! I’ve been brainwashed by society too. I’m just going to write this down—”
These words use the same letters to suggest that we are all made up of the same qualities, no matter our gender or genitals, but these qualities prioritize themselves in different people depending on a variety of factors, including environment and the prioritized qualities of the other person. In no way do the authors believe Xulo qualities apply to males predominantly (or Olux qualities to female), only that these terms represent what was assumed to be predominantly male or female qualities. To further clarify, if we were to somehow be able to test every male and female on earth for the Olux (old idea of feminine) and Xulo (old idea masculine) qualities, we believe there is just as good a chance that the planet’s female population (on average) would have as much if not more Xulo qualities as the male population.
“Did you see one word begins with ‘X’ and the other ‘O,’ so it’s like ‘xoxo,’ hugs and kisses. Tell me you love it or I’ll die.”
“That’s very good. For the sake of this paper, we still should occasionally remind people Xulo equals the old idea of masculinity and Olux means old notions of femininity.”
“Okay, okay, maybe, but I also want to suggest that Olux and Xulo qualities number far beyond the generic list of typical masculine and feminine qualities.… Are you listening? What are you doing?”
“I’m looking at the Wikipedia entries for ‘estrogen’ and ‘testosterone,’ which they call the female and male sex hormones.…”
“Yeah, and?”
“Did you know that these hormones are found in all vertebrates and some insects? And that means these hormones have an—this is Wikipedia’s phrase—‘ancient evolutionary history.’”
“Zee … you’ve totally confused me.”
“I think what we are looking to understand is the balance of masculine and feminine.…”
The Handsome Girl & Her Beautiful Boy Page 27
