“Olux and Xulo.”
“Yes, that too.”
“Ha, ha.”
“And the hormones that might help shape these old ideas of masculine and feminine are testosterone and estrogen. But if these hormones aren’t limited to humans or even mammals, then that means the balance isn’t either. The balance existed before penises and vaginas existed. And that means that attraction was never meant to be limited to one’s genitals. It has been around since the dawn of time.”
“Oooh, like if God were real—”
“Please don’t make this religious.”
“Okay, let’s not call it God. What do you want to call the beginning of time, then?”
“The big bang and we’re not coming up with a different term.”
“The big bang! I love it. It’s even sexual, Zee. Like you and I had a ‘big bang’ in this very motel room last week.”
“You’re hilarious. I’ll write this part—”
For instance, if the known universe was birthed by the big bang, one must assume that this birth was proceeded by “something.” And this “something” most likely wasn’t something as existentially arbitrary as a penis entering a vagina but rather the combination of forces with a conscious or unconscious desire to unify.… To unify, birth the universe, then expand the universe. To unify, birth, then expand.
“Zee … you have a really good vocabulary. It’s kind of a turn-on.”
“Keep your underwear on, kid.”
“Ha. But seriously, I love this. Unify, birth, then expand. This is genius. You basically just described our relationship.”
“Did I?”
“I think you might have described the objective of all relationships.”
“Which … mmmh … which, if you think about it, would make sense. If the universe was birthed by this combination of forces—”
“The combination of Xulo and Olux.”
“Sure. If the universe started with this combination, then wouldn’t all of us—not just humans, but all animals, insects, trees, everything—be biologically wired to repeat this. Wired to combine in the same way the big bang did. Unify, birth, and expand. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. And if you can’t repeat it with the same person, nature almost demands you do it with someone else.”
“Zee, I think you’re the one that might be making this even more complicated than me.”
“Yeah, maybe. Let’s give examples.”
“I’ll start.”
For instance, Dr. Gholbani could be considered both an Olux (feminine) prioritized Boy emotionally and spiritually attracted to Xulo (masculine) Girls as well as a Xulo prioritized Boy sexually attracted to Olux Boys. The qualities he prioritizes changes depending on the partner he is trying to unify with.
“Art, we’re not using ourselves as examples!”
“That’s the whole point!”
“And why didn’t you say you were sexually attracted to me? Are you just sexually attracted to Jayden?”
“Of course I’m attracted to you. Only you can make me squeal, ha. But for the sake of the paper, maybe we should show that we can take on different Olux and Xulo qualities depending on what the dominant interest in the other person is. So, yes, in this case I guess I am saying my dominant interest in you is emotional and spiritual, while my dominant interest in Jayden was physical.”
“Fine, whatever. I still can’t believe you insist on calling yourself by my dad’s last name.”
“I love your dad four point trillion infinities.”
“I’ll just give us different names later. Let’s keep going. It’s almost dawn.”
Dr. Kendrick prioritized her Xulo (masculine) qualities when her dominant partner was her Olux-prioritized mother or the Olux-prioritized Dr. Gholbani. But when Dr. Gholbani prioritizes his Xulo (masculine) qualities, then Dr. Kendrick naturally, perhaps unconsciously, prioritizes her Olux (feminine) qualities.
“Art, fuck, we’re not talking about me being partners with my mom even if it’s probably true.”
“Zee, since we have moved beyond genitals and gender, we have to move beyond this being limited to sexual partners. The vast, vast majority of connections we make in this world are not sexual but still thrive on a Olux-Xulo balance. Whether it’s me with Carolina and Bryan or you with your mom, Pen, or Iris. You said you feel feminine around Pen, who you don’t want to kiss, and masculine around Iris, who you do. It was you who said the big bang wasn’t about genitals or gender or sex. It’s about who we partner with, who we combine with. Who we yearn to unify, birth, and expand with. For instance, you and I—right now—are combining to birth and expand an idea. We aren’t kissing or naked or even thinking about sex, not really.”
“Okay, fine. I want to give an example of why some attempted partnerships fail.…”
“Like you and Cam.”
“We are definitely changing these names later!”
When the Xulo-prioritized Dr. Kendrick tried to emotionally and sexually partner with a Xulo-prioritized male (Cam Callahan), the partnership failed to take root. It would have required one of them to prioritize their Olux qualities, neither of whom was willing to do so for the sake of the potential unification. This probably suggests that it was not a partnership that would or should organically occur.
“Art, I just thought of something. For a girl, I am masculine-prioritized, and for a boy, you are feminine-prioritized. But if we remove genitals—which is kind of the point of all this—then I would say we are more of an equal balance of masculine and feminine. That’s why we work. Because both of us are pretty much equal weighted between masculine and feminine—”
“Xulo and Olux! You’re right. Of course you are because you’re brilliant. Genitals and gender are too sex-focused. If you separated our auras from our bodies—”
“‘Auras’ is a bit too cheesy for me.”
“Well, we won’t put that word in the paper. But you understand what I mean. So if our auras separated from our bodies, from our genitals, I agree with you. Our auras would look remarkably similar in their Olux-Xulo balance. For instance, let’s say you and I never have sex again—”
“You really don’t think we will have sex again?”
“Of course I do. I’m just saying let’s say we don’t. Do you think you and I will ever stop unifying, birthing, and expanding even if we never had sex again?”
“No.”
“So, the Zert Scale is not about sex or gender or genitals. It’s about who we search to unify with.”
“And why we search out that particular person to unify with.”
“I think we should put a chart here.”
“A chart?”
“I make charts on my phone whenever I’m bored or even not bored. Here, look—”
“That’s a lot of Art Charts.”
“These will be known as Zert Charts.”
“Art Charts sounds better.”
“Yes, rhymes are the best, but we’re expanding beyond that. Ha. Okay, let’s put the Kinsey Scale in first since the internet talks about that the most when it comes to the subject of fluid sexual attraction.”
“Should we talk about this or just write it down?”
“Let’s just write it.”
“Should we mention we’re high school students and it’s five a.m. and we only know what we know by googling stuff?”
“Let’s not worry about that now.”
The Kinsey Scale is an attempt to explain, illuminate, and make people comfortable with both their own and other people’s attraction to both sexes. And while this was revolutionary back in the seventeenth century …
“It was 1948, Art.”
“Wow, it really was that recently? No wonder no one was ready for the Zert Scale until now.”
“Let’s just keep writing.”
While this was an important step back in the mid-twentieth century, it was limited in both scope and ambitions. The result being that a male, if he had never physically acted on his emotional or chemical attraction to an
other male, assumed that he was in category 0. This allows too many people to assume there is a “normal” and that gives unspoken permission to bigotry and homophobia. It assumes that sexual activity is the goal of all partnerships versus one of the many by-products of a certain type of partnership.
With the Zert Scale, we are hoping to begin a dialogue about why and how we form relationships of all kinds. Sexually physical ones, yes, but also just as important (if not more so) emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and chemical.
“How’s that look?”
“Complicated.”
“Complicated is good and inevitable. Confusing is bad.”
“It’s a lot, Art. Should we explain why we made it a circle?”
The circle serves many purposes. First is the obvious: it’s an infinite loop that has no points of disconnection. We are all part of the same circle. The second reason for the circle is to show how the point of 50–50 balance of Olux-Xulo (Masculine-Feminine) Qualities (at six o’clock) is at the opposite point of the 100% Olux–100% Xulo meeting point (at twelve o’clock). We are suggesting that someone that prioritizes an equal 50–50 balance will search out someone at 50–50 as well just as someone who prioritizes a 100–0 balance will search out a 0–100.
“Zee, no one who has ever lived is one hundred percent masculine or one hundred percent feminine.”
“Yes, I know, but we’re trying to be scientific about it. Would you rather I write someone that is a balance of 32.4% Olux (feminine)–67.6% Xulo (masculine) will search out a 67.6% L–32.4 % X?”
“For math-challenged people like myself, I think we stick with the easy-on-the-eyes fifty–fifty or one hundred–zero.”
“And it’s not like we have an exact equation to determine everyone’s masculine-feminine balance anyway.”
“Unless we come up with a list that’s a lot longer and more specific than masculine equals independence and courage and feminine equals sensitive and gentle. We could say, ‘If you like watching sports more than shopping, you get two Xulo points. If you like being the bottom in bed, you get five Olux points.…’”
“Okay, Art, okay. That’s enough. The list would be infinite and impossible and—”
“Limiting too. Even dangerous. We don’t want to suggest that people can change their masculine-feminine balance by shaving their legs less or paying for the dinner bill more. We want them to prioritize whatever they feel best prioritizing, and that will attract the partner that balances them out organically.”
“Agreed. I think we should also add…”
Everyone’s balance is fluid, both in purpose and time. For instance, your Olux-Xulo balance for a sexual partner may be different from what masculine-feminine balance you are seeking when it comes to an intellectual or spiritual partner. Even if the same person serves as your partner sexually, intellectually, and spiritually, almost assuredly the balance you each bring to the UBE will be different prioritized qualities for each of the three connections.
Temporally, we are fluid as well. Meaning, you may prioritize a dominant Xulo (masculine) balance today but prioritize a 50–50 balance or even a dominant Olux (feminine) balance in the future, whether that future is five days or five years from now.
“I just thought of something my mom used to tell me when I’d complain about someone saying I was androgynous.”
“I love your mom.”
“She would tell me, ‘Zee, all babies are androgynous-looking and as humans reach extreme old age, they start looking androgynous as well. So androgyny is both where we came from and where we are going.’”
“Oooh. Like the big bang. The universe was androgynous at birth and is moving back toward androgyny.”
“If you think about it, as far as humans go, it makes sense. With modern technology and science, we have less and less need for the traditional places that our physical stature put men and women in.”
“Let’s just say it—”
To conclude, it is our belief that the universe is evolving toward a fifty–fifty balance of the Olux (feminine) and Xulo (masculine), and that each individual is striving for the same balance internally.
“But it’s okay if we don’t balance out.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cam and Abigail. I’ve been thinking about them. He prioritizes masculine qualities; she prioritizes feminine ones.”
“Abigail definitely has masculine qualities. Like starting the war at the party.”
“Yes, and Cam has feminine ones. But they both are prioritizing their traditional gender-based qualities. And they work as a couple because they still are fulfilling the UBE formula. And it’s okay if they stay that way. We can’t try to make everyone the same as us or then we are judging them for not being like us when we are making this Zert Scale to encourage less judgment.”
“You’re right. I love you.”
“It’s daylight, Art.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Me too.”
“Pancakes!”
“We should proofread everything.”
“My brain is mush. Let’s do that later.”
“You mean, I’ll have to do that later.”
“Let’s just come up with a big finish.”
“What do you mean?”
“Zee, we need something that sums up what we are attempting to communicate but does it in a fun, grand way.”
“Okay…”
“But also makes people feel good about themselves even if they disagree or don’t understand what we were trying to do with the Zert Scale.”
“Give me your phone.”
“What are you doing?”
“How about this?”
“Perfect.”
About the Author
b. t. gottfred is a playwright, director, producer, and … oh, hey, you—yes, you!—I love you. I need you to know that. Don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or even five minutes from now, so I’ll say it again: I love you … for being you. Now we’ll return to the previously scheduled third person … he’s the author of Forever for a Year and The Nerdy and the Dirty. You can tell him you love him back at btgottfred.com. Or sign up for email updates here.
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Copyright © 2018 by b. t. gottfred
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Image source: Here: Created by Carol Ly, based on Wikimedia/Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953)
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First hardcover edition 2018
eBook edition May 2018
eISBN 9781627798532
Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Author’s Note
part one
MYTHICAL CREATURES MEET AT A PIZZERIA
part two
THE OPPOSITE OF OPPOSITES
part three
THE FIRST DATE (NOT-A-DATE) OF MAGICAL DESTINY
part four
SO … COMPLICATED
part five
A (LONG) COLD (RAINY) DAY IN AUGUST
part six
NATURE & NURTURE & TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS CASH
part seven
DOMESTICITY
IN A SKETCHY MOTEL ROOM
part eight
THE MYSTERIOUS X OF SEX
part nine
ROMANTIC FLUIDITY AT THE BEND
part ten
TIME TO BLOW UP THE FUCKING PLANET
part eleven
THE ZERT SCALE (AKA 1 + 1 = 11)
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
Addendum
The Zert Scale: The Combination of Stuff Love Is Made Of
About the Author
Copyright
The Handsome Girl & Her Beautiful Boy Page 28
