There were slices of fresh lemon floating in her water. She looked up and caught Joe staring at her. He smiled.
Lemons.
**
“So, here are the group ones,” Marnie laid them out in order of her favorites, “and then you’ve got the shots of all of the grandchildren with Nonna here.” Marnie relaxed after a while, focusing on the task at hand, and feeling pretty confident about her work. She knew she had done a great job photographing the family, and she also knew she would get her chance to talk with Joe later.
“You know what I love best about these pictures? You know what I really love most?” Sarah asked between sips of her beer.
Marnie and Joe looked at Sarah, waiting for an answer.
“I mean, obviously, Marnie does beautiful work. How long have you been doing photography, Marnie?”
“She took pictures for forever,” Joe interrupted.
“Oh, that’s right. You two know each other.” Sarah looked up from the proofs. “That’s why you recommended her for the photo shoot, right Joe?”
“Yeah,” Joe looked right into Marnie’s eyes, and to Sarah, he said, “Yeah, that’s why I suggested she take the pictures.” And then to Marnie, “Your website is amazing.”
Marnie’s throat stuck, and then she caught herself. She said to Sarah, “We knew each other a long time ago.”
“Yeah, unfortunately, because of me, we lost touch,” Joe didn’t take his eyes off Marnie.
“Yeah, well that sucks when that happens,” Sarah continued, obviously missing the connection between Joe and Marnie. “Anyway, as I was saying, the absolute best part about these pictures? You know what’s great about them, Joey?”
“No Sare, what’s so great about them? Besides Marnie’s obvious talent at capturing the uniqueness of us all, especially Uncle William?”
“I’ll tell you what! And we have you to thank, Joey. It’s that the bitch of an ex-wife of yours no longer has to be in any of our family photos. Hard to believe we thought she was such a sweetheart for so long. She fooled us all.”
Joe looked down momentarily, then took a long swig of his beer.
Sarah continued her rant, “That’s the best part of these photos! Damn, did she ruin every single family picture! Hell, forget about family pictures. She ruined every single family event we ever had. With her whiny demands and her need for attention all of the time. Ugh, that woman! I don’t know how you put up with her for as long as you did. I mean, good Lord, Joe, we all know why you did, but why put yourself through all that misery for so long? Right? I mean, right Joey? I’m so glad you’re rid of her.” Sarah lifted her own beer as if making a toast.
“Good riddance to that bitch, Trina!”
Chapter Sixty-Seven
February 1989
Marnie had been on her bed in her dorm, lying on her stomach, ankles crossed, feet in the air, trying to study for her Comms 200 test. She was listening to The Cure’s Love Song over and over and over, hitting rewind as soon as the song ended on her bootleg tape, not even letting Robert Smith start in on Lullaby. When the phone rang, she reached for it, and there he was, through the line, just like that. Joe.
“Marnie.”
She knew, just by the tone of his voice. Her body went hot and she waited for him to speak.
“Something terrible’s happened. I can’t come this weekend.”
Marnie bolted from her position on the bed. “What do you mean? Are you okay, were you in an accident? Are you hurt?” She began to cry.
“No, I’m okay, and nobody’s hurt,” he whispered. “I promise. It’s just… I’m so sorry. It’s nothing I have any control over. I never meant to hurt you, I want you to know that. I have to get off the phone.”
“Are you at school?”
“No. I’m at home.”
And that was it, deep in her gut, she knew. She knew that it was more than just this weekend she wouldn’t be seeing him.
This was it.
“It’s Trina isn’t it?”
“Yes. It’s Trina. I can’t explain. I can’t undo it this time. I’m so sorry. I don’t want it to be this way. Please believe me.” Marnie heard his voice crack.
“What? Wait, but… ”
“I have to go. I’m so sorry.”
Chapter Sixty-Eight
November 2004
“So you married her?”
“I did.”
After Sarah dropped the bombshell that Joe had married Trina, Figo and Dratton began barking wildly at something at the back of the house and she excused herself to “go kick some dog ass.”
Marnie felt her body flare up, as if she had gone feverish all over, and she knew her face turned hot and splotchy. It was something she couldn’t control. For all these years, not knowing about Joe’s life, never, never in her wildest dreams did it occur to her that he might have married Trina.
“Are you okay?” he looked up from the photos of his family. The family that strangely, Marnie had felt she should have belonged to. Along with their child she should have maybe had.
Immediately, she regretted her thoughts. How could she think this way when Stuart was trying so hard, being the best husband he could, and she was so blessed with two boys who were charming in their own quirky little boy goofy ways. She reminded herself of their charms every single day, through fart jokes and fights and all the boy drama she never expected would come with having two sons.
Joe’s hair fell over his eyes and he reminded her so much of how he had been fifteen years ago. A lump formed in her throat and filled her with something she didn’t recognize. It wasn’t exactly sadness. Maybe it was longing, maybe it was nostalgia. Or something else. She wasn’t sure. It stuck there. Finally, she took a sip of water to force it away.
“You okay?” he asked again.
“I’m fine.” Marnie waved her hand in the air to indicate life was not that big of a deal and continued, “So that’s what that last phone call to me was about – you and Trina got married in college?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?” Marnie asked.
“You’ll let me explain?” Joe asked.
“You don’t owe me anything,” Marnie said flatly. She wanted to mean it, she wanted to not care at all, and maybe she wouldn’t have if he’d never arranged for her to photograph his family, and they weren’t sitting across from one another in his cousin’s home.
But she knew that wasn’t true. Because she had planned all along to find a way to get to his grandmother’s birthday and find him to tell him what she should have been brave enough to tell him back in college. Because Marnie knew that with everything that had happened recently in her life, she had to confront her past to make peace with the present.
Marnie wanted to get to a place where she was happy, content and at peace with the choices she’d made in her life, and also with some of the things that she hadn’t been able to control. And with the recent trauma of losing her daughter, she’d been thinking more and more about the choices she’d made, and how they determined her future and in a sense, her happiness. Had those decisions shaped who she was today, made her who she was now? She kind of believed so.
Marnie also wondered if there was any woman in the world who was truly completely content with the life she had, the day-to-day grind of raising a family, of being married, of making frozen mini-pancakes and packing backpacks and making dinners and doing laundry? And even if there was a woman completely happy, isn’t there always a spark of curiosity that makes her wonder of the ‘what could have been’? Doesn’t everyone wonder? And in Marnie’s case, doesn’t she deserve to know?
And didn’t Joe deserve to know too?
Marnie sighed, and looked at Joe. She thought back to the day on the pier, how it had been the two of them, looking at the water, her back against his chest. She remembered how her heart thumped with the anticipation of him, the excitement of kissing him, of simply being near him. First love. She’d always have that. She sighed and smiled a sad slow smile, and his smile met hers.
“I’ll let you explain,” Marnie said, “I have some things to tell you, too.”
**
They went to the place that used to be called The Bean, which was now Java, Juice & Jams. It was a place where, in addition to coffee, they served high-sugared frozen fruit smoothies and played loud music for the teen set. Not a good place for revisiting their past. Instead, Joe suggested they find a Starbucks, which served them well. It wasn’t too crowded, and after they got coffees (they both still drank heavy Brazilian blends), they settled into cushy velvet chairs in the corner, a sort of confessional.
“I remember the first time I saw you.”
Marnie blew into her coffee to cool it, looking over the lip of her cup, but said nothing.
He continued, “I saw you right away. When you and your friend came in, Connie?”
“Close. Collette. She’s still my best friend.”
“Collette,” he said. “So, your hair was all that eighties look everyone had back then, the high bangs, lots of spray. You were wearing a light pink tank top and jeans.”
“Jean shorts,” she corrected him.
“Oh yes, I definitely remember those shorts,” his eyes crinkled at the edges. He was fifteen years older, but in a way, hadn’t aged. They both laughed. It was an easy laugh. It was as if they were back to the moments they had shared so long ago.
“I was coming out of the kitchen, and I had been taking a drink of my beer, probably a Miller Lite back then, and there you were. I walked back into the kitchen because I had to get hold of myself.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. I did.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Well, if you recall, I didn’t share much back then.”
“That was a bit of a frustration for me.”
“I’m sorry for that. For a lot of things. That’s why I wanted to look you up. Once the divorce was final, I felt I needed to, well, I know you sent that Christmas card. My mom sent it to me. I planned on reaching out to you then, but she… ”
“I get it.”
“So anyway, after I went back into the kitchen, I finished my beer and one of my buddies came in and I asked him who you were, and he must have known Collette or something, and he told me your name. I slammed another beer in there, got some liquid courage and went to find you.” He took a slow sip of his venti.
“I remember thinking the first time I saw you I thought you might be a player,” Marnie said.
He nodded.
“I didn’t think it would be this easy to talk to you again. I was so nervous,” Marnie said, “I’m glad you looked me up. There have been so many things I’ve wanted to know all of these years. I have always wondered… ”
There was a buzzing sound and Marnie and Joe both reached for their cell phones. It was Stuart.
“Hello?” Marnie looked up apologetically to Joe. He gave her a non-verbal sign for ‘it’s-okay-take-the-phone-call.’ She smiled, pushed her bangs from her face, and turned her attention to her husband. Her husband.
“… Yes, I’ll be home in about twenty… Is he running a fever?… The Motrin is in our bathroom… Okay… Yes… Me too.” She hung up.
“I’m sorry. My son, he’s got a fever. I’ve got to go.”
“Totally understand. Your son, is he okay?”
“Yes, just a fever, he’s six.” Marnie wasn’t sure why she added that last part, but there it was. Joe now knew she was married and had at least one child.
“Mar?” God, she remembered how he used to call her Mar. Her heart flipped.
“Yes?” she said as she rose to leave, pushing her bangs back again.
“There’s still a lot I have to say. That I want to tell you. Am I able to call you?”
“Yes.” Yes.
And her heart flipped again.
Chapter Sixty-Nine
November 2004
After Marnie checked Trey’s temperature (a non-threatening 100.3) and gave him a cool cloth for his head, she tucked him in under his fire truck sheets. In the family room, Jeremy was putting together a K’Nex set, one that he said was “way too hard for six-year-olds so it was a good thing Trey had a fever.”
“So,” Marnie started, “crazy thing happened with that photo shoot I did the other day.”
“Yeah?” Stuart was on the floor focused on the K’Nex directions.
“Turns out it was an old boyfriend who booked the sitting for his family.”
“Hmmm.”
“Don’t you think that’s weird?”
“Maybe he saw your work and knows how talented you are?” Stuart said, and then to Jeremy, “Here, try this yellow piece over there on top of that square one.”
Jeremy took the K’Nex piece and then said, “Hey Mom, maybe the guy’s still in love with you!”
“Ha ha ha, Jeremy, you are a funny one. Besides, it was like sooo long ago.”
Stuart looked up at Marnie. “Hey, is this the guy from college? That one?”
Marnie told Stuart about the abortion after they were together for about eight months. It was a night when they had been drinking wine and talking about their pasts. They had been talking about exes, who they had hurt, and how they had been hurt and by whom. Stuart shared how he had been engaged to a flight attendant once but broke it off well before any wedding planning began. Marnie told Stuart about her abortion, even though it was so painful to expose that part of her life. She knew it was important though, and necessary; she knew at that point she wanted to have a future with Stuart, could imagine being married to him, and wanted to be as open and honest with him. She still wanted to be honest with him.
“So, it’s that guy?” Stuart asked.
Marnie pointed to Jeremy, who turned his head for a moment to pick up another K’Nex piece and she mouthed, “little ears” and nodded yes to Stuart.
“What, what, what?” Jeremy shouted. “Hey, I’m part of this family you know! It’s not polite to keep secrets.”
Marnie agreed. It wasn’t polite to keep secrets. That’s why she knew she was going to tell Joe. He was heading back home the following week. She had to tell him.
**
Later, in bed that night, Stuart curled up alongside Marnie, who was flipping through the pages of Redbook.
“So?” Stuart grinned at Marnie. She put the magazine on the nightstand and turned to him.
“So, what?”
“Is he still your little college heart-throb, your teenage dream?”
“Oh stop it.” She tried to laugh.
“Come on, is he a hottie?”
“Stuart, you’re being silly. We’re adults now. That was practically hundreds of years ago.”
“I know.” He sat up in bed.
“Are you jealous?” Marnie asked.
“Nah. Should I be?”
“Aww, that’s kind of cute,” she paused. “But, in all seriousness, you do know I never told him about the abortion.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. I told you that.” Marnie couldn’t believe how forgetful men could be. Of course, Collette knew this. Collette knew everything. She knew everything about the meeting at Starbucks even, because Marnie called her on the way home. Marnie even told Collette the part about how her heart had done that flip-flop thing. Girlfriends could understand that part. Husbands, not so much.
Marnie was quiet for a second, and then asked, “If you had gotten a girl pregnant in college, and she never told you, do you think you would want to know now?”
“Really?” Stuart asked, propping his head up on his elbow and looking at Marnie thoughtfully.
“Really.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Marnie, but no.”
“No?”
“Nope.”
“But what if you were in love with her back then?” Marnie asked.
“That’s all good and fine Marnie, but what’s that going to change now? You made your decision back then. Personally, and very selfishly, I think it was the best decision you cou
ld have ever made, because it brought you to me.”
Marnie was quiet.
“Think about it. If you didn’t make the decision you made, you’d be the mother of a teenager. You’d either be a single mother, or married to him, or divorced from him. We… ,” he tapped his chest hard, pointing to himself, and then pointing to Marnie, “We wouldn’t have us. We wouldn’t have Jeremy or Trey. We wouldn’t have this. I love you. I love our children, I love our lives. I know it sucks that I travel so much for work. Believe me, it sucks for me more than you know. And I know the last five months have been devastating for you. And I wish I could understand you better, and what it’s been like for you. Maybe that’s what’s bringing all these emotions up, is it because of the stillbirth?”
Marnie sniffled, stared at her bare feet, cross-legged on the bed.
“Is that it? Are you sad?”
Marnie looked up at Stuart, her face stoic.
“Nobody wanted my babies. Not him. Not you. I was the only one who wanted them, but I couldn’t take care of them. Emotionally, back then I couldn’t take care of that baby. Physically this time, I couldn’t take care of our baby girl.”
“You know that’s not true, honey.”
“It is true. And you know what, our baby, the one I just lost, that was the daughter I’ve always wanted.”
As soon as the words came, Marnie’s hand flew to her mouth and she tried to push them back in. But they hung there. The truth that she had always kept hidden, that she always wanted a girl to nurture and raise. Instead she got rambunctious crazy boys who wore on her very soul, day in and day out, and made her long for the pink and the calm, the softness of curls and pretty, easy simple girl things.
Then the guilt came, and she was sobbing, clinging onto Stuart. He rocked her back and forth, and held her tightly, his hands smoothing her hair.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love Jeremy and Trey with everything that I am. I do. I love my boys so very much. I’m a horrible mother. I don’t even deserve them. I deserve everything that’s happened to me.”
“You don’t deserve any of what’s happened,” Stuart whispered. “You’re going to be okay, you’re beautiful and amazing, and you’re a terrific mother to Jeremy and Trey. They love you so very much.”
A Little Bit of Everything Lost Page 21
