by Kiera Cass
I kept wondering about Kriss. How had she and Maxon suddenly connected? Not too long ago, he was making me promises about our future. He couldn’t have been that interested in her if he was saying such intimate things to me. It must have happened after that.
The day passed quickly. After dinner, as my maids quietly helped me prepare for bed, a single sentence lifted me from my reflections.
“Do you know who I found in here this morning, miss?” Anne asked as she gently pulled a brush through my hair.
“Who?”
“Officer Leger.”
I froze, but only for a fraction of a second. “Oh?” I said. I kept my eyes on my reflection as they continued.
“Yes,” Lucy said. “He said he was doing a sweep of your room. Something about security.” She looked a little confused.
“It was strange though,” Anne said, echoing Lucy’s expression. “He was in his plain clothes, not his uniform. He shouldn’t be doing security work on his time off.”
“He must be very dedicated,” I commented in a disconnected tone.
“I think he is,” Lucy said with awe. “Whenever I see him around the palace, he’s always noticing things. He’s a very good soldier.”
“True,” Mary said matter-of-factly. “Some of the men who come through here really aren’t fit for the job.”
“And he looks good in his plain clothes. Most of them look terrible once you get them out of their uniforms,” Lucy commented.
Mary giggled and blushed, and even Anne cracked a smile. It had been a long time since they’d seemed so relaxed. On another day, in another moment, it might be fun to gossip about the guards. Not today though. All I could think about was that there was a letter in my room from Aspen. I wanted to peek over my shoulder at my jar, but I didn’t dare.
It felt like an eternity before they left me alone. I forced myself to be patient and wait a few minutes to make sure they didn’t come back. Finally I darted over to my bed and clutched my jar. Sure enough, a tiny slip of paper was waiting for me.
Maxon is gone. This changes everything.
CHAPTER 22
“HELLO?” I WHISPERED, FOLLOWING THE instructions Aspen had left for me the day before. I cautiously walked into a room lit only by the fading daylight spilling in through the gossamer curtains, but it was enough for me to see the excitement on Aspen’s face.
I closed the door behind me, and he immediately ran over and scooped me up.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you, too. I was so busy with that reception, I barely had time to breathe.”
“Glad it’s over. Did you have a hard time getting here?” he joked.
I giggled. “Seriously, Aspen, you’re way too good at your job.” It was almost comical how simple his idea was. The queen was a little more relaxed when it came to running the palace. Or maybe she was distracted. Either way, she’d made dinner an option: in your room or downstairs. My maids prepped me for the meal, but instead of heading to the dining room, I walked across the hall to Bariel’s old room. It was too easy.
He smiled as he took in my praise and sat me down in the back corner of the room on some pillows he’d already piled there. “Are you comfortable?”
I nodded and expected him to sit too, but he didn’t. Instead he pushed over a large couch, which blocked the door from sight, and then pulled in a table that brushed the top of our heads as we sat on the floor. Finally he grabbed a bundle he’d left on top of the table—it smelled like food—and settled next to me.
“Almost like home, huh?” He moved behind me so I was between his legs. The position was so familiar and the space was so small that it did feel a little like our old tree house. It was like he’d taken a piece of something I thought was gone forever and placed it neatly in my hands.
“It’s even better.” I sighed, leaning into him. After a minute I felt his fingers combing down my hair. It gave me shivers.
For a while we sat there in silence, and I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of Aspen’s breathing. Not so long ago, I’d done the same thing with Maxon. But this was different. If I had to, I thought I could pick Aspen’s breathing out of a crowd. I knew him so well. And, clearly, he knew me. This tiny bit of peace was everything I’d been aching for, and Aspen made it real.
“What are you thinking about, Mer?”
“Lots of things.” I sighed. “Home, you, Maxon, the Selection, everything.”
“What are you thinking about all of that?”
“Mostly how confused I get about them. Like how I’ll think I understand what’s happening to me, and then something shifts, and my feelings change.”
Aspen was quiet for a moment, and his voice sounded pained when he asked, “Do your feelings about me change a lot?”
“No!” I said, pushing myself closer to him. “If anything, you’re the one constant. I know that if everything turns upside down, you’ll still be here, in the exact same place. Everything gets so crazy that my love for you gets pushed to the background, but I know it’s always there. Does that make sense?”
“It does. I know I make this whole thing more complicated than it already is. I’m glad to know I’m not completely out of the running though.”
Aspen wrapped his arms around me, like he could hold me there forever.
“I haven’t forgotten us,” I promised.
“Sometimes I feel like Maxon and I are in our own version of the Selection. It’s just him and me, and one of us will get you in the end; and I can’t decide who’s worse off. Maxon doesn’t exactly know we’re competing, so he might not be able to try as hard. But then, I have to hide, so it’s not like I can give you everything he can. It’s not really a fair fight either way.”
“You shouldn’t think about it that way.”
“I don’t know how else to see it, Mer.”
I exhaled. “Let’s not talk about that.”
“All right. I don’t like talking about him anyway. What about all the other stuff you’re confused about? What’s going on?”
“Do you like being a soldier?” I asked, turning toward him.
He nodded enthusiastically as he reached down and opened the food. “I love it, Mer. I thought I’d hate every minute, but it’s fantastic.” He popped a chunk of bread into his mouth and kept talking. “I mean, there’s the obvious stuff, like I’m always being fed. They want us to be big, so there’s plenty of food. And the injections, too,” he said, amending his thoughts. “But they’re not so bad. And I get an allowance. Even though I have everything I need, I get money.”
He stopped for a moment, toying with an orange slice. “I know you know how good it feels to send money home.”
I could tell he was thinking about his mom and his six siblings. He had been the father figure at his home; I wondered whether that made him even more homesick than I was.
He cleared his throat and went on. “But there are other things that I wasn’t expecting to like, too. I really enjoy the discipline of it and the routine. I like knowing that I’m doing something necessary. I feel so … content. I’ve been restless for years, counting stock or cleaning houses. Now I feel like I’m doing what I was meant to do.”
“So that’s a big yes? You love it?”
“Completely.”
“But you don’t like Maxon. And I know you don’t like the way Illéa is run. We used to talk about it back home, and then that whole thing with the people in the South losing their castes. I know that bothers you, too.”
He nodded. “I think it’s cruel.”
“Then how are you okay with protecting it? You fight against rebels to keep the king and Maxon safe. They’re the ones who make everything happen, and you don’t like any of what they do. So how do you love your job?”
He chewed as he thought. “I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t make sense, but … okay, like I said, there’s the sense of purpose. And feeling challenged and engaged, the ability to do something more with my life. Maybe Illéa isn’t perfect.
In fact, it’s far from it. But I have … I have hope,” he said simply.
We were both quiet for a moment while the word washed over us.
“I have this feeling that things have gotten better than they were, though I honestly don’t know enough about our history to prove that. And I have this feeling that things will get even better in the future. I think that there are possibilities.
“And maybe this is silly, but it’s my country. I get that it’s broken, but that doesn’t mean these anarchists can just come and take it. It’s still mine. Does that sound crazy?”
I nibbled my bread and reflected on Aspen’s words. They took me back to our tree house and all the times I would ask him questions about things. Even if I disagreed, it helped me understand them better. But I didn’t disagree on this point. In fact, it helped me see what was probably hiding in my heart all this time.
“It doesn’t sound crazy at all. It sounds completely reasonable.”
“Does that help with whatever you’ve been thinking about?”
“It does.”
“Are you going to explain any of it?”
I smiled up at him. “Not yet.” Though Aspen was smart, and he might have already guessed. The wistful look in his eyes suggested that he probably had.
He looked away for a moment, running his hand down my arm, finishing by playing with the button bracelet around my wrist. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
“A big one.”
“Sometimes I feel like we’re a knot, too tangled to be taken apart.”
I nodded. “It’s true. So much of me is tied up in you. I feel kind of lost without you.”
Aspen pulled me close, running a hand over my temple and down my cheek. “We’ll just have to stay tangled then.”
He kissed me gently, like, if he pushed too hard, the moment might shatter and we’d lose everything. Maybe he was right. Slowly, he lowered me to the mattress of pillows, holding on to me, tracing curves as he kissed me on and on. It was all so familiar, so safe.
I ran my fingers through Aspen’s cropped hair, remembering the way it used to fall and tickle my face when he kissed me. I noted his arms around me, so much fuller than they used to be, so much sturdier. Even the way he held me had changed. There was a newfound confidence there, something instilled in him through becoming a Two, becoming a soldier.
Too soon it was time to leave, and Aspen walked me to the door. He gave me a lingering kiss, making me a little light-headed. “I’ll try to get another note to you soon,” he promised.
“I’ll be waiting.” I leaned into him, holding on to him for one long moment. Then, to keep us safe, I left.
My maids prepped me for bed, and I went through it in a daze. It used to feel like the Selection was one choice: Maxon or Aspen. And as if that was some decision my heart could make simply, it grew into so many more things. Was I a Five or a Three? When this was over, would I be a Two or a One? Would I live out my days as an officer’s wife or a king’s? Would I slide quietly into the background in which I’d always been so comfortable or force myself into the spotlight I’d always feared? Could I happily do either? Could I not hate whoever Maxon ended up with if I chose Aspen? Could I not hate whoever Aspen chose if I stayed with Maxon?
As I got into bed and turned out the light, I reminded myself that it was my decision to be here. Aspen may have asked, and my mother may have pushed, but no one forced me to fill out the form for the Selection.
Whatever was coming, I’d just face it. I’d have to.
CHAPTER 23
I CURTSIED TO THE QUEEN as I walked into the dining room, but she didn’t notice. I looked over to Elise, who was the only one already there, and she merely shrugged. I sat down as Natalie and Celeste entered and were equally ignored; and finally Kriss arrived, sitting next to me but keeping her eyes on Queen Amberly. The queen seemed to be in her own world, staring at the floor or occasionally glancing at Maxon’s and the king’s chairs as if something was wrong.
The butlers began serving food, and most of the girls started eating; but Kriss kept watch on the head table.
“Do you know what’s going on?” I whispered.
Kriss sighed and turned to me. “Elise called her family to get some insight into what was happening and to have her relatives meet Maxon and the king once they got to New Asia. But Elise’s family says they never arrived.”
“They never came?”
Kriss nodded. “The weird thing is, the king called when they landed, and he and Maxon both spoke with Queen Amberly. They’re fine, and they told her they were in New Asia; but Elise’s family kept saying they never showed.”
I scrunched my forehead, trying to understand. “What does that all mean?”
“I don’t know,” she confessed. “They say they’re there, so how could they not be? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Huh,” I said, not sure of what else to add. Why would Elise’s family not know they were there? What if, maybe, they weren’t actually in New Asia? Where could they be?
Kriss leaned closer to me. “There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about,” she whispered. “Could we go for a walk in the gardens after breakfast?”
“Of course,” I answered, eager to hear what she knew.
We both ate quickly. I wasn’t sure what she’d found out, but if she wanted to talk outside, there was clearly a need for secrecy. The queen was so distracted, she barely even noticed as we left.
Stepping into the sunlit gardens felt wonderful. “It’s been awhile since I’ve been out here,” I said, closing my eyes and lifting my face to the sun.
“You usually come with Maxon, right?”
“Mm-hmm.” A second later, I wondered how she knew that. Was it common knowledge?
I cleared my throat. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
She stopped under the shade of a tree and turned to face me. “I think you and I should talk about Maxon.”
“What about him?”
She fidgeted. “Well, I had prepared myself to lose. I think we all had, except for maybe Celeste. It was obvious, America. He wanted you. And then everything with Marlee happened, and it changed.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say. “So, are you just telling me you’re sorry for moving to the top or something?”
“No!” she said emphatically. “I can see he still cares about you. I’m not blind. I’m only saying, I think you and I might be neck and neck at this point. I like you. I think you’re a really great person, and I don’t want for things to get ugly, however it turns out.”
“So this is …?”
She clasped her hands in front of her, trying to think of the right words. “This is me offering to be completely honest about my relationship with Maxon. And I’m hoping you’ll do the same.”
I crossed my arms and went for the one question I’d been dying to ask. “When did you two get so close?”
Her eyes got a little dreamy, and she toyed with a piece of her light-brown hair. “I guess right after everything with Marlee. It probably sounds stupid, but I made him a card. That’s what I always did back home when my friends were sad. Anyway, he loved it. He said no one had given him a present yet.”
What? Oh. Wow. After everything he’d done for me, had I really never done anything for him in return?
“He was so happy, he asked me to sit with him awhile in his room and—”
“You’ve seen his room?” I asked, shocked.
“Yes, haven’t you?”
My silence was all the answer she needed.
“Oh,” she said awkwardly. “Well, you’re not missing anything. It’s dark, and there’s a gun rack, and then he has this mess of pictures on the wall. It’s nothing special,” she promised, waving it away. “Anyway, after that he started visiting me during pretty much every free moment he had.” She shook her head. “It happened kind of fast.”
I sighed. “He basically told me,” I confessed. “He made a little comment about needing us both here.”
“So …” She bit her lip. “You’re pretty sure he still likes you?”
Hadn’t she already suspected that? Did she simply need me to confirm it? “Kriss, do you really want to hear all this?”
“Yes! I want to know where I stand. And I’ll tell you anything you want to know, too. We aren’t running this thing, but that doesn’t mean we have to be lost in it.”
I walked in a short circle, trying to make sense of everything. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to ask Maxon about Kriss. I could barely talk honestly with him about me. But I kept feeling like I was missing pieces of the truth about where I stood. Maybe this was my only hope of really knowing.
“I’m pretty sure he wants me to stay around for a while. But I think he wants you here, too.”
She nodded. “I figured.”
“Has he kissed you?” I blurted out.
She smiled bashfully. “No, but I think that he would have if I hadn’t asked him not to. In my family, we sort of have this tradition where we don’t kiss until we’re engaged. Sometimes we have a party when people announce their wedding date, and everyone gets to see the first kiss. I want that for me.”
“But he tried to?”
“No, I explained before we got that far. He kisses my hands a lot, though, or sometimes my cheek. I think it’s kind of sweet,” she gushed.
I nodded, looking at the grass.
“Wait,” she said, hesitating. “Did he kiss you?”
Part of me wanted to brag that I was his first kiss ever. That when we kissed, it felt like time stopped.
“Sort of. It’s kind of hard to explain,” I hedged.
She made a face. “No, it’s not. Has he or hasn’t he?”
“It’s complicated.”
“America, if you’re not going to be honest, then this is a waste of time. I came here wanting to be open with you. I thought it would benefit us both to be friendly.”
I stood there, wringing my hands, trying to think of a way to explain myself. It wasn’t that I disliked Kriss. If I went home, I’d want her to win.
