Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  ‘So do you fancy me more than Honey?’ I whispered in the middle of it. Poor bloke. It isn’t fair to try and talk to men during sex.

  ‘Yeah,’ he gasped. ‘Shut up.’

  Tuesday 24th January

  The next morning, I hurried to get ready for work and fit around Jamie and Honey as they got ready too.

  ‘I’ll get out of your way,’ said Honey, avoiding my eyes. ‘I’ll come back tonight if that’s okay, but I won’t stay long, I don’t want to be in the way.’

  ‘That’s fine.’ I was trying to think of a way to get myself and Jamie into college without anyone realising we’d been together.

  ‘I’m really worried about you Emmy,’ whispered Honey when Jamie went into the shower. ‘It’s not normal to do this with- someone like him. You could get into terrible trouble.’

  I tried not to think of the fact that he hadn’t used a condom- next time I must insist.

  ‘I’m alright, Hon. Just get yourself through the Nick thing and we’ll both be okay.’

  She didn’t look convinced, but meekly went off to work.

  ‘Where shall I drop you off?’ I asked Jamie when he swaggered out of the shower twenty minutes later, only leaving me time for a five minute shower!

  ‘What?’

  ‘We don’t want to go to college together do we, or everyone will know.’

  ‘Yeah. Drop me off at- er- Fielding Street, before the station. I can walk from there.’ He’d obviously been thinking about this too.

  ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’ I dashed into the shower.

  On the way in the car, I couldn’t resist asking him ‘Did you tell anyone about that time in the lift?’

  There was a pause. ‘Yeah. Luke. He won’t say anything.’

  ‘Luke? Are you friends with him?’ They never spoke in class, to my knowledge.

  ‘Sort of. We’re sort of related. My dad’s ex-girlfriend is his sister.’

  ‘Oh. Just don’t tell Aaron, will you? He’s a little-‘

  ‘He’s alright. You want him on your side in a fight.’

  ‘I suppose so. Just don’t tell him, please?’

  ‘Alright.’

  I did as promised and dropped him off. There were some dodgy looking boys at the end of the road, I didn’t know if they were college students or not, but Jamie put his hood up and slouched casually away.

  Lessons were slightly easier today as I didn’t work with Group E so much and could relax. I had plenty of time to think ‘What am I doing?’ however, and feel both stupid and daring. My life had been so sensible and careful, never taking a risk. Now it was anything but.

  The one lesson I had with Jamie’s group was right at the end of the day - Health and Safety - which all the students hated.

  The minute I walked in I could sense a strange atmosphere. All the boys were gathered at one end of the classroom and they avoided my eyes. Luckily I was used to being ostracised by students, so ignored them and sat down away from them.

  ‘Are you with us, Emily?’ asked the teacher, Brian. ‘Don’t sit there all alone. Join in.’

  This was one of the annoying things about being a learning support assistant. You were supposed to engage with the students at all times, never give them any chance to misbehave, always be in the midst of them. I had found that with boys like these, they didn’t like you being in their face all the time. You could never force them to accept your help, unlike students with learning disabilities who hung on your every word. You had to stay back until the boys asked for help, otherwise you would be brutally rejected and ignored.

  I smiled blankly at Brian and moved a little closer to the group.

  ‘Come on, a bit closer. They don't bite.’

  I wasn’t so sure. The boys sniggered and wouldn’t meet my eyes. I was getting a bad feeling about this.

  Brian was one of those annoying teachers who always sided with the students and never picked up on any atmospheres, insults made under the breath or anything like that. He liked a jolly male atmosphere and, while he was always polite to me, it was always clear that I was just a robot with no feelings or use apart from keeping the boys in order. He often didn’t hear what I said, even when I made a joke which the students understood and laughed at. He was proficient at his job of teaching, but sadly lacking in the intuition department.

  But the whole college was rather like that: full of men working in construction, interested in ‘things’ rather than ‘people and feelings’, seeing women as only good for one thing etc. There were so few women there that I always felt conspicuous when I went into a room, or walked past a group of boys. They were always eyeing me speculatively, I never worked out whether it was because they thought I was going to tell them off, or because they were assessing my attractiveness, or because they felt I was intruding on their territory. But whatever it was, there was a general air of being scrutinised all the time.

  I used to think I got on better with males than females but having worked in that environment for two years, I found I really missed having girly chats with other women. Being part-time meant I’d found it hard to break into the ‘full-time’ clique however, which was another reason for me to leave soon.

  My meeting with the Principal, which had been postponed when the lift had broken down, had come and gone uneventfully. She had accepted my resignation and expressed her regret that I was moving on. I was now so glad I was doing so.

  ‘I’m fine here, Brian, thanks.’ I felt my rarely used temper start to boil. I used to be so calm. What had Jamie done to me, apart from the obvious?

  ‘Now then, boys. Today we’re doing types of chemical hazards on a building site.’

  Health and Safety lessons were pretty boring apart from the dramatic videos shown to illustrate hazards, which were often unintentionally funny.

  I sat there on my island, isolated from the group of boys. Every so often at a convenient break, I would circulate and try to give them some help with their spelling but every boy refused. So I gave up in the last quarter of an hour, and just sat back.

  The boys rampaged out of the room, finally free. Brian beckoned me over.

  ‘What was wrong with them today? They didn’t seem to want any help,’ I began.

  ‘Actually Emily, I was going to ask what was wrong with you,’ he replied.

  I was silenced with surprise.

  ‘You seemed very distant, unwilling to help. Perhaps next time a little more friendliness would encourage them to ask for help.’ He smiled brightly.

  I nodded goodbye and strode out, trying not to slam the door. Me? ME distant? I always tried my best. It was yet another case of not forcing myself on people who didn’t want my help, so to speak.

  I wondered if I would see Jamie tonight. I felt a surge of anger at him for being one of the pack ostracising me, but soon the anger was tempered by resignation. Of course he couldn’t stand out. He would be jeered at, possibly even beaten up for daring to go against the gang.

  I had another problem to worry about, anyway. I had started to itch ‘down below’. I knew it was Jamie’s fault because I hadn’t had that intense feeling before. I sighed. I couldn’t face the doctors. I was sure I’d read of special clinics where people could go anonymously for help with sexual health problems. A session at home with Google loomed.

  When I got home that night, neither Honey nor Jamie was there. A message light blinked on my answer phone.

  ‘Hey, Emmy. I’m staying at my place tonight. You- you- need your space and I might be able to sort things out with Nick. I’ll call you. Love you. It's Honey by the way.’

  I felt impatient. Nick was bad news, why couldn’t she see that? Anyway. Back to my problem. Google was so useful. It brought up exactly what I needed. It said ‘drop in anytime’ on the clinic’s website. Unfortunately it was at the local hospital, but I had to go.

  What sort of boring life had I had before Jamie? No, it wasn’t just ‘before Jamie’. The rot had started after Karl left. Throughout my life, men had a
lways left me, so I’d more or less given up with the last one. I had thought Karl and I were set for life with big plans for the future, then he just lost interest. However, recently I’d found he’d married someone else and had a baby on the way, which was like a slap in the face for me.

  I drove off to the clinic resignedly.

  * * *

  A couple of hours later I set off for home again.

  The clinic had been one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Although the nurses could not have been nicer or more down to earth, I still felt like a silly teenager. I felt that they knew my boyfriend was seventeen and a student. I was lucky I still looked young for my age - people thought I was in my early twenties. They had given me antibiotics and ointment for myself and some for him too… I knew he wouldn’t like that, but in my heart I knew I would never see him again, apart from my last few weeks at college.

  Where had it all gone wrong? I thought as I drove down the quiet, evening streets. When I first became a learning support assistant, I loved my job. It had been in a friendly school in London where, although in a rough area, all the teachers were very positive and encouraging towards the pupils. The school was mixed sex and race so there was a great variety of characters and attitudes. I had really enjoyed my job there: the staff members were supportive; there was a real attitude of ‘can do’ and I was complimented on my dedication and skill at supporting the pupils. That had been like music to my ears after four years of pointless bank work. Another pleasing feature was that I supported individual pupils in their classes, where I was respected and valued, and other pupils vied for my attention. I loved helping them with their work and other problems, they always made me laugh and I actually learnt as much from them as I hope they did from me.

  After three years, however, I had moved out of London back to my home area in Hampshire owing to my mother’s ill health. My brother lived in the Midlands and had his own family, so I had been forced to come down to nurse my mother, who eventually died. I hadn’t minded nursing her, but obviously I’d had to leave my beloved job.

  In Hampshire there was a different attitude in schools. I had been put into classes to support all the pupils, instead of individuals, and it was often overwhelming and confusing. Although the staff members were again very supportive of me, so I felt like I was part of a caring team, it was not as positive an experience. Yet again, though, I was praised for being a competent and caring employee with a natural way with the children.

  I was shocked to find that the inner city school where I went to work was full of pupils with even worse lives than the ones in London. Also, the majority of pupils seemed apathetic and didn’t want to achieve top results or better themselves, whereas in London the majority of the children wanted to do well and become productive members of society.

  Anyway, after five years, the constant difficulties of the inner city school - verbal abuse, constant concern about the children, emotional fatigue - had taken their toll and I’d changed job to work in a further education college.

  It was a relief for a while, with polite, motivated students, then I was moved to the construction department and found it harder than I expected. There was no warmth there: it was a business environment, not a caring or supportive one. As I hadn’t made many friends, I’d found myself talking to Jamie, Ryan and John about my life, interests, frustrations, worries. They listened as well as seventeen year olds could, but it was not the correct thing to do.

  * * *

  I pulled up to my block of flats, looking forward to relaxing this evening as I would be alone. I reached my door to see a familiar figure sitting by the front door. The contrast between his dark brown hair and ivory skin told me who it was.

  Jamie was eating a MacDonald's meal and it stunk of grease.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I was in no mood for niceties.

  ‘Ain’t got nowhere else to go,’ he mumbled through his mouthful.

  ‘I suppose you’ll have to come in then.’ I let him in with no grace and he responded with equal awkwardness, shambling in like a boxer after a fight.

  ‘So what was that all about in class this afternoon?’ I was so annoyed with him - for three reasons now - that I wasn’t going to bother hiding my feelings.

  ‘You what?’ he was still chomping through the burger.

  ‘Why did none of your group even want to speak to me in Health and Safety? It was really embarrassing. Brian virtually told me off.’

  He sniggered. ‘He’s a wanker.’

  ‘Well?’

  ‘It’s just that- the others- they said- they said you fancy Luke, ‘cos you’re always helping him.’ He laughed openly. ‘They think if you talk to anyone it means you fancy them.’

  I paused, then laid into him.

  ‘How dare you? How bloody dare you? I am just doing my job, which is helping students do their work! Just because you’re here doesn’t mean I fancy every man I talk to! I’ve never been with a student before you and I don’t know why I am now!’

  Shaking, I got the package from the clinic out and waved it at him.

  ‘I had to go there tonight because you’ve given me some disease, you little sod! I’ve never been there before and I didn’t think I’d ever have to.’

  He cringed before my anger and put his burger down, unwrapped, on the table.

  ‘On top of that they even gave me some for you. Here!’ I threw the jar of ointment at him.

  ‘Fuck that!’ he retorted, letting the jar fall onto the carpet. Luckily it didn’t break. ‘I ain’t got nuffin’.’

  ‘Well there won’t be any sex in this place until you use it!’ I yelled and stormed out to my bedroom. I didn’t care what he did now. At least that’s what I told myself. Shaking, I flung myself on my bed and cried for how stupid I’d been, how embarrassed I’d felt at the clinic and in the classroom today. What was happening to me? My life had been so neat and predictable, normal and conventional, then Jamie had come along and ruined it.

  Later that night, there was a brisk knock on my door, and Jamie came in carrying a mug. He put it next to me so I cautiously sipped it. It was very strong tea and tasted as if it had ten sugars in, but it's the thought that counts.

  ‘Sorry,’ he muttered. ‘Sorry I gave you summing. Is it crabs?’

  ‘No, just thrush, thank God. You should use that cream you know.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘We both have to use it for a week and she said no sex.’

  ‘No sex?’ he looked quizzically at me. ‘That’s no fun.’

  ‘Well, my health is important, as is yours.’

  ‘Uh. Tell you what we should do. Go out and get drunk.’

  ‘What? Now?’ As he was trying to cheer me up, I hadn’t the heart tell him I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol while on antibiotics.

  ‘No, not now. Tomorra. Then I don’t go into college the next day and we can have a lie in.’

  ‘Well I can’t. I work at a call centre on Thursdays and Fridays.’

  ‘Oh. Can’t you just take a sickie?’

  I couldn’t help laughing. It was all so simple at seventeen.

  ‘Can’t we go out on Friday night instead? It's better for me, then we’ve got the weekend.’

  ‘Okay.’

  I ruffled his hair.

  ‘Oi. I’m not a dog.’ But he smiled.

  Wednesday 25th January

  The next day we set out in the car together.

  ‘I’ve had a brilliant idea where we can go on Friday,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah? Where?’

  ‘Aha. I’ve got to set it up first. I’ll let you know later.’

  ‘Why is it secret?’

  ‘We’ll have to go somewhere you won’t see your friends, won’t we? And where I won’t see people from the college.’

  ‘Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.’

  ‘And at the place I’ve got in mind we won’t see any of them.’

  He raised his eyebrows.

  At college that day I
felt calmer. I was determined not to let the strange atmosphere in Group E affect me. I congratulated myself on dealing with the clinic yesterday, and so far keeping it quiet that Jamie was staying with me.

  I went into tutorial. Luckily Group E’s tutor was not Brian.

  ‘Morning Peter,’ I said cheerily. ‘Lovely day.’

  ‘Er- yes. How are you today?’ He actually sounded genuine.

  ‘Morning boys,’ I said loudly so they had no excuse not to hear me.

  ‘Morning, Miss,’ replied various tones. Jamie had got there already, as I’d dropped him off in the usual place. He smiled at me.

  ‘Today we’re finishing off our tiling workbook,’ said Peter. ‘The books are on the table there. Aaron, could you hand them out please?’

  Aaron sucked his teeth. Menial tasks were beneath him, but Peter ignored this.

  ‘Miss?’ said Jamie. ‘Can you help me?’

  The other boys shuffled and whispered.

  I went over to Jamie, trying not to look unsure.

  Brad and Louis made room for me but there was still whispering.

  ‘Quieten down, boys, please. I don’t know, Aaron, the younger ones are very restless today,’ said Peter cleverly.

  ‘Yeah. You lot! Shut up!’ said Aaron, glad to be given some power. I smiled at his egotism.

  The lesson progressed quietly. Whenever I looked at Jamie, he was virtuously writing in his workbook, apart from when he was asking me a question.

  After tutorial ended, I went up to the staff room to find him lurking by the door.

  ‘Your pen, Emily.’

  ‘Oh thanks, I forgot.’

  He walked off down the corridor, indicating for me to follow, and we went into the stairwell.

  ‘Where are we going on Friday? Tell me, then!’

  ‘Shh! I haven’t arranged it yet. Meet me at the car at four-thirty. It's in the supermarket car park, you know. I’ll give you a lift and tell you then.’