I had a free lesson after lunch, so I phoned Honey and explained my plan.
‘Okay,’ she didn’t sound too keen.
‘What?’
‘I’m still worried about you, Emmy. It's not normal to be with that boy. Tess thinks so too.’
‘Tess? You’ve told her?’
I was shaken. Tess was very sensible, she always knew what was correct and what wasn’t, and realised the implications of every action. She ‘had her head screwed on right’, as my dad used to say. Before he walked out on us, of course.
‘I’ll call Tess. It's about time we had lunch again. So can me and Jamie come along?’
‘Yes. Okay. It's just I don’t want you to be hurt. You could catch something from that boy.’
‘No, I couldn’t,’ I lied. ‘He’s not as bad as he looks.’
‘Are you going to tell me, then?’ pestered Jamie as we set off in the car along the darkening winter streets.
‘Okay. You know my friend Honey? Well her brother, Wolf, is gay-‘
‘Wolf? What sort of name is that?’
‘Their parents are hippies. They love animals and nature, so gave their kids those sorts of names. The other children are called Storm and Orchid.’
‘Fuck! Bet they got the shit kicked out of them.’
‘Listen! I thought if you and I want to go out and not meet anyone we know, then where better than a gay club? None of your friends would be there and no teachers.’
I hadn’t noticed any gay students or staff and to be honest it was unlikely there were any in the macho construction college.
Jamie was silent for so long that I looked over. His face was mutinous.
‘A gay club?’ his voice was so loud it made me jump and the car swerved a little. ‘What the fuck you on about? I’m not going to a queer club! Full of bloody cocksuckers!’
‘But it's perfect. Anyway you’d be with me and you wouldn’t have to pretend to be gay.’
‘I should fuckin’ bloody hope not! I’m not going! End of.’
He glared out of the window. I could feel the anger radiating off him, even though he had stopped shouting.
We drove home the rest of the way in silence, and he stalked off up the stairs without speaking to me again. So much for my grand plan.
Thursday 26th January
The next day was the beginning of my call centre working week, and I dressed accordingly. Smart skirt suit, crisp blouse, hair tied back in a French plait, high heels and barely black tights. I hadn’t seen Jamie since bringing him home last night, so I knocked on his door to say goodbye.
‘What?’ said a muffled voice.
‘I’m going to work now.’
‘See ya, then.’
I shrugged. I knew he’d be there when I got home as he had nowhere else to go.
The day dragged. It was far more boring in the call centre than at the college. I quite liked my colleagues but they were mostly younger than me and didn’t have much of a caring side. They talked about how drunk they got every weekend, things they bought, holidays they went on etc.
I suppose the talking about getting drunk part was similar to college, because the students talked about that all the time, and who they had ‘banged’ that weekend. But somehow they were more interesting than the call centre workers, who generally had affluent and easy lives, doing exactly what they liked.
The students often had absent parents, little siblings to bring up, or even their own children. Their substance abuse problems were because of their awful lives, not just because they had more money than sense. And they often had criminal records.
I knew Jamie had a criminal record. It was for joy riding, stealing cars, drunk and disorderly, violence. But like all the other students, he had never threatened me or been anything but gentle to me. Even when he had turned against me for a while, his whispering and ignoring me had just been childish, not threatening.
‘Hello, Emily,’ said a smooth voice, interrupting my thoughts. ‘Decided if you want to take on more hours? We’d certainly value your time.’
It was Clive, my team manager. He was in his late thirties, with slicked back hair and a sharp suit. He really loved himself. I often had a giggle with Marianne, a member of my team, about his use of modern slang. If he knew how the slang should really be used by teenagers at street level, he would be shocked.
‘I have actually. Are there any opportunities?’ ‘Opportunities’ was a word Clive loved.
‘Of course. For the right person, but something tells me you are what we seek.’ He leant over me, giving his special smile, one that said ‘do what I want and I’ll make it worth your while, baby.’
I tried not to cringe. Clive was married with two children, but I just knew he cheated on his wife. Or maybe she cheated on him as well. He wasn’t sincere at all, neither were the other office workers. At least with Jamie what you saw was what you got. He was rough and feral and any response you gained from him was an achievement.
The day passed uneventfully apart from Clive’s interruption. People phoned, I talked to them, sorted out their problems and they put the phone down. Simple, easy, a routine job. Did I really want to do this full time? But inside I knew I had gone too far at college, past the point of no return.
When I got home that night, I felt a surge of relief to be back in my cosy flat. But this only lasted a second. There was a stale, smoky smell and I noticed dirty cups set on every surface. The cushions were everywhere, dirty crockery in the sink, water on the floor in the kitchen. I ventured into the bathroom and there were towels and water all over the floor there too. ‘Had I been burgled?’ was my first thought, but I knew whose fault it was. Burglars don’t drink endless cups of coffee and smoke various substances while they burgle you. They don’t use the shower, or eat off your plates. Of course it was my lodger’s doing.
I went into his bedroom, but he wasn’t there. How come it's become ‘his bedroom’ when it should be ‘the spare room’, I muttered to myself, getting more and more angry. Where was he? Would he come back?
I cleared up the sitting room, but pushed the dirty crockery to the side and cooked myself a meal. Well, tried to. The cupboards and fridge were much more empty than usual. Had he invited his friends round and they’d eaten it all? That was bad news, for many reasons.
I had a quiet evening watching television. Stewing. Wondering what was going to happen. In a way it was exciting. My life was usually so predictable, but now it wasn’t.
I kept expecting him to turn up then I could shout at him, get him to clean something, vent my feelings. But he didn’t come back that night. I went to bed wishing I’d cleaned up the flat myself.
* * *
I was having an interview with the Principal of the college. She was wearing black, glaring at me. ‘You have let me down. You are the weakest link, goodbye.’ A buzzer sounded.
It woke me, and I realised it was the door entry buzzer. I staggered out to it, as it went on and on. It was three-forty a.m.
‘Yes?’ I knew who it was.
‘Iss me. Lemme in.’ Jamie sounded slurred. What a surprise. Not.
‘Why should I?’
‘Come on, iss cold.’
I wanted to hurt him. A great rush of bitterness filled me, and I wanted to slam the phone down. That was unexpected, so I counted up to ten. Come on, said the angel on one shoulder. Let him in. He’ll die of exposure out there, or worse. No, said the devil on the other shoulder. He left you, you should hurt him.
* * *
Fortunately, the angel prevailed. I pressed the buzzer and sat waiting to let him in.
He staggered in, grinning, looking glazed.
‘Alright darlin?’ he greeted me, putting out a hand.
‘Not really. Goodnight.’ I strode off to my bedroom.
‘’Ang on. Wass your problem?’
This was too much.
‘What the hell d’you think? Have you seen the state of this place?’
He had the grace to look sligh
tly - SLIGHTLY - guilty.
‘It’s a fucking mess, that’s what it is!’
Now he looked shocked.
‘I’ve been out at work all day and you’ve been lying around messing up MY HOME!’
‘Iss not that bad. My place is much worse.’
‘I don’t care about your place! I’ll chuck you out if you do this again!’
‘You sound like my mum,’ he giggled.
I stepped forward and slapped him in the face. I was a bit shocked at myself. I hadn’t lost my temper for years. Just kept it all inside.
He glared at me, but walked quickly away. Hitting a woman was beneath even him. I followed him, unable to let it go.
‘What are you going to do about it? When are you going to clean it up?’
‘Not now, am I? I’m going to bed.’ He slammed the door of ‘his’ bedroom. But I followed him again.
‘Just so you know, I’ll chuck you out next time you make a mess like this!’ I wanted to provoke him, what was wrong with me tonight?
‘I had a good night,’ he said mildly, not reacting but sitting on the bed taking his trainers and socks off. ‘My mates are sick.’
I knew this meant ‘fun’ in his world.
‘We went to that new club, it was bangin’. Better than some bloody queer club.’
I was gradually subsiding.
‘Who’s this bloke anyway?’ he picked up a picture of Karl from the bedside table.
I snatched it from him. ‘Why’s that in your room?’
‘Dunno. I was looking at it earlier. Who is it? There were loads of pictures of him.’
‘Pictures of- Where the hell were you looking?’
‘In your drawers,’ he grinned unapologetically.
‘How dare you-‘ I couldn’t conjure up any more anger, he’d beaten me. And seeing Karl’s face again was like a bucket of cold water overturned on my head.
‘I mean it, you know. If you mess up my flat one more time you are out!’
I flounced out, on the verge of tears.
Karl. I’d thought he was the love of my life. How wrong was I? He was just the last in a long line of failed relationships. Well, not a long line, a short one. When I was sixteen, there had been Neil, the science lab technician at my school; then Tim, my supervisor at the bank. Both of whom I thought would be reliable and take care of me.
But Neil had finished with me soon after I left school. Looking back he may have felt guilty, but at the time I was heartbroken. Tim had chosen his job over me when he’d got a promotion and had to relocate- flattering, eh? And lastly, Karl. I’d gone to a complementary therapy centre for physiotherapy and Karl had been the therapist. A caring and genuine man, but as it turned out, he didn’t care enough for me.
Friday 27th January
The next morning, I eased myself wearily out of bed and got ready for work. The flat still looked the same. My girl friends were right: Jamie was bad news and needed to go. I was lucky the college hadn’t found out.
I was still thinking about Karl. That relationship had ended with a whimper. Karl said I was too impassive and he couldn’t get through the barriers I’d built up. He was full of psycho babble like that, it didn’t really mean anything. He’d said - in a roundabout way - that I was crap in bed and he wanted someone different. He was a real old hippy. Perhaps I attracted hippies, because Honey and her family were the same. Guiltily I remembered I was supposed to call Tess. No doubt she would have her own opinion about Jamie.
As if by magic, my phone beeped. It was a message from Tess. I gasped. There’s a word for that isn’t there? Serendipity, or just coincidence?
‘Havent seen u 4 a while. Lets have lunch soon xx’
I’d answer that when I got to work. I had a meeting with Clive today about increasing my hours. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I knew I had to get out of education. I’d known that before Jamie came along, but he had made me realise more than ever that learning support had drained me and I needed a distraction. He was it, but hardly a suitable one.
‘So, Emily, you’d like to take on more hours at this hellhole?’ Clive smiled widely, to let me know he was joking. Because I couldn’t have worked it out myself of course.
‘Yes, if you’ll have me.’ I tittered girlishly to cover up my genuine laughter. Clive was leaning forward as if I was saying something enthralling.
‘Sure, yeah, I understand.’
‘I enjoy it here and I’d like to progress up the career ladder,’ I half lied. It would be gratifying to be recognised and have some importance here, as I’d never had any at college.
‘You could go on our management course. Broaden your horizons, ya?’
‘Yes, I’d be interested in that.’ I had GCSEs but no other qualifications as I’d left school at sixteen because I’d found it so boring. I’d never intended to work in education, yet there I was, helping others with their studies.
‘Well let me call Rufus, throw a few ideas around, that sort of thing,’ smiled Clive. ‘There are a few opportunities coming up soon, I’ll bear you in mind.’
‘Oh, thanks.’ I gave him a smile of gratitude, whereas inside I was looking forward to just getting the day over and going home. If I had to work with Clive constantly, I’d go mad, but he was rarely at the call centre, he was always off at high powered business meetings. The usual call centre workers were a bit more normal.
* * *
I hardly dared open the door into my flat, expecting the door not to open fully, or to find a dead body in the hall or something.
To my surprise, it was tidy. Not spotless, but habitable. Jamie was sitting on the sofa, flicking through a magazine.
‘Alright?’ he said coolly.
‘Y-yes. Did you do this?’
‘No, it cleaned itself.’ He smiled to himself, smugly.
‘Well- that’s good- er-‘
He eyed me. ‘You look posh.’
‘Not really. Just different to college.’
‘Yeah.’ He eyed me again appraisingly. ‘When can I fuck you again?’
I gasped, but managed to say: ‘Tuesday. That’s the week.’
‘Tuesday? Bloody hell.’
To distract him, I said: ‘So. The gay club. Are you coming tonight?’
‘Er-‘
‘I did tell you Wolf owns the club, didn’t I? It means free drinks all night.’
‘Does it?’ He suddenly looked interested. ‘Whatever I drink? Anything?’
‘Yes. As long as you’re eighteen, which you are, of course.’
‘Mm… I can get an ID to be eighteen, anyway.’
I was excited about this evening. I loved the idea of actually having a social life which wasn’t just me, Honey and Tess watching a DVD at home.
Tess had a high powered career as a features writer. If she wasn’t so generous I’d have hated her, but she gladly spent her time in the past listening to me complain about Karl [or my other exes]; my job; my family. That doesn’t make me sound like a very nice person, does it? But I did listen to her problems too. They were mostly job-related. She seemed to have accepted that she wouldn’t find anyone to settle down with and have children with at her age. Her career was everything.
I got ready with special care. I didn’t want only Jamie to admire me, I wanted to show off for once and not be the invisible woman, sitting in the corner whose only use was to give spelling help. I put on my favourite short skirt and most flattering top, with tights and high heels. How long was it since I’d dressed up - really dressed up?
I stepped out of my bedroom to find Jamie smoking out of the kitchen window.
‘Ready?’
He jumped guiltily and turned round. His jaw literally dropped, which was very flattering. So I stood there posing, admiring my nails which I’d painted earlier. Actually he didn’t look so bad himself. He was wearing a black shirt - black always suited him - and new jeans.
‘Come on, then. Don’t just stand there; we’ve got to go soon.’
He was stil
l staring at me, so I went up to him and stood in front of him provocatively.
‘Can’t we just stay in?’ he asked.
‘No… we said we’d go out together, didn’t we? We can’t stay in. Who knows what would happen.’
Before he could answer, which he seemed to be having trouble doing, I led him to the front door. We were driving round to Honey’s - where I would leave the car overnight - and getting a taxi home. I’d thought of everything.
At Honey’s house, Wolf’s limousine was waiting to take us to the club. Jamie pulled me to one side.
‘Do we have to go in that?’
‘Yes, why not?’
'Dunno.'
‘No really, what’s the matter?’
‘It’s all posh, innit? I won’t fit in with your friends.’
‘Don’t be silly, of course you will. It doesn’t matter.’ I squeezed his arm. He was so young. He probably hadn’t had experience of anything ‘posh’.
The racket inside the club could be heard on the street. We stepped up to the door in a group: me, Jamie, Honey and some of her and Wolf’s friends. Honey took charge.
‘Hey Dolph, Bart,’ she said to the doormen. ‘I’m here to see Wolf, and these are my friends.’
‘Funny names your friends’ got,’ muttered Jamie in my ear.
‘And yours haven’t?’ I hissed back. His friends had nicknames like Ballsack, Bellend, things like that.
‘Honey darlin’. Come right in.’ One of the doormen had a soft Kentucky accent which belied his muscled, ominous appearance.
We all shuffled through the front door.
‘Cool,’ said Jamie, who seemed to be relaxing as he saw the interior of the club. He kept a tight grip on my hand though, and looked suspiciously at the men around him, many of whom were eyeing him approvingly.
‘Sweetie!’ said a broad, blond man, embracing Honey. It was Wolf. ‘Glad you got here.’ He kissed her effusively on both cheeks.
‘Emily! Hello, lovey!’ He did the same to me. ‘Who’s this?’ he eyed Jamie, who, fearing the same affectionate greeting, stepped back so suddenly that he trod on a foot behind him. He glanced behind him and saw it belonged to a very tall red haired man.
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