That’s another problem with being a learning support assistant: you don’t have power of a teacher, so students can take out frustrations on you which they wouldn’t dare do on a teacher.
The lesson passed like this. No one wanted my help. At the club, had Shane been about to tell me that it was common knowledge about me and Jamie? Was that why all the boys were rejecting me? I felt a shiver of something uncomfortable twisting inside me. The next lesson, IT, was with Jamie’s group. That would tell me what I needed to know.
I felt butterflies in my stomach at the beginning of the lesson. Thank God it was Roger teaching. He wouldn’t stand for the group pushing me around like Olivia did.
Group E slunk in, looking resigned. I remembered back to when students came in to lessons enthusiastically. Long ago, in a job far away.
‘Good morning boys,’ said Roger breezily. ‘Please get your folders out and carry on with the exercise from last week.’
The boys were quiet, but I was still shaken by the last lesson. I waited for someone to ask me for help and, fortunately, Jamie did so.
‘Miss.’ He raised his hand like a schoolboy. Which of course he had been not long ago, I reminded myself guiltily.
‘Alright?’ he said under his breath as I sat down. I could have hugged him, but that would have to wait ‘til we got home.
‘So-so,’ I replied instead.
The level of talking rose in the room while Roger frowned at his paperwork, obviously annoyed with it.
Suddenly he looked up and snapped:
‘Too noisy!’
Unfortunately it was one of those situations where loud noise suddenly stops and someone is left saying something embarrassing.
‘Ugh, that’s sick. Shagging a thirty year old bird.’
Jamie and I froze.
‘Ahem,’ coughed Roger pointedly. ‘Keep those sorts of discussions to yourself, please.’
I saw it was Brad and Louis who had been speaking.
Jamie and I exchanged glances.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ he muttered. ‘Help me with this.’
My mind wandered. Who the hell were Brad and Louis talking about? Was it me and Jamie?
‘Who you on about?’ Dwayne butted in, addressing them.
‘Tyler. In Group D. Some married bird he’s shagging. What a slapper.’
I tried not to breathe out too obviously, but Jamie gave no indication he’d heard the sentence. It occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t his first older woman. I didn’t know how I felt about that. Maybe they were all at it with older women, it couldn’t be unheard of.
‘My dad said when he was a milkman, there were loads of bored housewives gagging for it,’ said Dwayne, as if to prove my point.
Louis and Brad were shocked.
After the lesson, Jamie avoided me. I don’t think I was being paranoid. He raced off as soon as Roger dismissed the students, and I went to have my lunch. It was all looking worse and worse. What an idiot I was. But then the devil on my shoulder popped up again. At least you’ve had a lot of sex lately, it said. More than you’ve had in the past year. There was tumbleweed blowing ‘down there’ before Jamie came along.
I breathed a sigh of relief for carpentry. I could more or less do my own thing. Vernon rarely spoke to me, I assumed because I wasn’t twenty and blonde. Because he was like that: a married man in his forties with an eye for the young girls. Anyway, we had nothing in common, and the boys always just got on with their work, they didn’t need me. Phew!
I was early for the lesson and went into the workshop to wait. The door was unlocked so I went to Vernon’s office to look for him and ‘check in’. At least he was polite and businesslike with me, if not friendly. I switched off, trying to empty my mind of worry. Where had Jamie gone? Was he at this moment being beaten up or something?
The door banged open and I looked up expecting Vernon. Unfortunately it was Aaron. He strode straight up to me and I moved back in shock. He pushed me into the locker area and up against a locker. Before I could speak, he pushed his mouth up against my ear.
‘I know you’re fucking Jamie,’ he hissed. ‘I want some.’ He pressed himself right up against me and I was trapped between his smelly coarse body and the locker.
‘I- I- I’m not- I-‘
‘You are! If you fuck me too, I won’t tell your boss.’ He had it all worked out. ‘You skank.’
I could feel he was getting aroused by my fear. What was he going to do? Rape me? I was just about to panic, when Vernon’s voice shouted:
‘Oi! What’s going on here?’
Aaron pushed me away with a sneer. Vernon took in the situation but didn’t say anything.
‘Get your tools ready,’ he ordered. ‘We’re finishing the shelf today and moving on to the picnic table.’
Aaron shuffled off mutinously.
I was in shock. I don’t think I could have spoken if I’d tried. So it was true - everyone knew.
‘Emily?’ Vernon beckoned me into his office. I smiled nervously.
‘Listen, love,’ he began. ‘Keep out of trouble with the boys. Don’t let them talk you into anything.’
Was he trying to give me fatherly advice?
‘I know boys like that, I used to be one. They’re only after one thing…’ he continued, but I switched off. Supposing Aaron was waiting for me after college? I went home alone these days and Jamie made his own way. No one would protect me. I shivered.
* * *
I made it to my car safely and locked myself in, half expecting Aaron to rise up from the back seat like a vampire. The carpentry lesson had passed so slowly that I never thought it would end. Aaron had kept staring at me, like a cat stalking its prey, while Jamie had been oblivious. I shivered again and turned the car heating up.
Suddenly I saw Kyle walking along the pavement with his mates. They were mucking around, pushing each other, talking loudly. Should I stop and ask him if everyone knows about me and Jamie? How would that look, me accosting some boys in the street? I hesitated, but decided against it. If Kyle had been on his own, maybe, but not with his friends.
When I got home, Jamie was at the door, stamping up and down to keep warm.
‘Thought you weren’t coming,’ he smiled.
I didn’t answer, just let him into the lobby. I hurried him upstairs without speaking.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘They all know. The boys all know about us.’
‘WHAT?’
‘Group F were really horrible to me all lesson. It's obvious they know.’
‘No, they don’t. I haven’t heard nuffin’. I’d know if they knew, I’d get all kinds of shit. Don’t worry.’
‘But- it's Aaron.’ I told him about Aaron’s actions before the carpentry lesson, and his face darkened.
‘Can’t you do something?’ I finished.
‘I can do something alright.’ He picked up a pen and dug it into the table viciously.
‘Don’t break that. Please.’
‘Sorry.’ But he still looked furious.
Tuesday 31st January
I was nervous. I had Groups F and D in the morning, and Group E at the end of the day, so it was like a protracted build up of anticipation.
Group F was also doing carpentry. All the groups studied the same subjects at the same time to make it fairer. As with group E, I tended to switch off during the session.
‘Alright, Miss?’ said Shane, taking me by surprise. He’d never spoken to me in lessons before. He looked genuine, so I took the plunge.
‘Did you tell your group about me?’ I tried to use coded language so no one else would understand.
‘About-? Oh you mean you and- of course not, no!’
‘So why was your group being so horrible to me yesterday?’
‘Alright, mush? Can you help me with this?’ Darren suddenly appeared, nodding at me with no trace of the nastiness of yesterday. He just wanted the nimble fingered Shane’s help with the saw blade. I breathed a sigh of
relief.
At the break, Shane caught me up again.
‘So you haven’t grassed on me either?’ he demanded.
‘Of course not. We had a deal, remember?’
‘Thanks. Don’t worry about my group being wankers- they just are, it's nothing personal.’
He smiled uncertainly. Vernon passed by and gave me a suspicious look, to which I smiled innocently. I had created a minefield here.
The last lesson of the day was my ‘favourite’, Health and Safety with Brian…oh how I hated that lesson! This time the class was quiet and amenable though. I wondered if Brian had had a word with them about behaviour. That’s the trouble with being part-time: you never get to know what went on when you weren’t there.
I did my best to look like I was helping them, even though I wasn’t really, but Brian seemed satisfied. I just wanted to get home and relax. It had been a very busy week.
There was an atmosphere in the group as if the boys were all tired too, so they were very quiet and almost meek. It was a relief. I was fed up with the silliness of last week.
The flat was empty when I got home, which was a relief as I could breathe. It was getting a bit much being surrounded by teenagers at home as well as at work.
But Jamie wasn’t home by eight o’clock and I was starting to get worried. Nine o’clock passed, then suddenly a ring at the entry phone. It was him, so I pressed the buzzer double quick.
He slouched in, looking evil. Yes, evil was the word.
‘You’ve got a black eye.’ I went to peer at it, but he pushed me away.
‘I’m fine.’ He got some juice from the fridge and drunk it from the carton. What a cliché.
‘What happened? Did you get in a fight?’
‘No. Anyway whadda you care?’
‘I-I-‘
‘It's all your fault anyway. Why did I ever get mixed up with you?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘You ‘eard.’ He stamped off to his room.
He wasn’t himself, I thought. He looked… far away. With a closed expression. Like he’d been somewhere nasty. I gasped. What if he had done something terrible? Drugs? Stealing? Breaking in? I listened outside his room and could only hear his MP3 player pounding away and him muttering to himself. I was a little scared. What sort of person had I let into my flat? I hesitated outside, but then heard his phone beeping and him laughing and swearing at a text message. So maybe it wasn’t too bad.
I was at a loose end, though. So I switched on the television and got caught up in a biography. Shannon Taylor, a young model/actress with actual talent, not just big boobs. She began talking about her early life. Her father had walked out when she was eleven and she had never seen him again.
I gasped. That was my story. How did she know? How silly, I told myself quickly. Of course I’m not the only one to experience that.
I watched the screen but stopped listening. That day when I came home from school and found my mum crying, a crumpled note in her hand. My daddy had left, with no explanation, and we never saw him again. I felt like I’d stepped off a safe, solid cliff into a dark, unimaginable ocean and kept on floating.
I had been the one to keep treading water while my mother and brother fell apart. Mum received so much support, Gareth hit out at everything, gaining help and understanding from everyone. Whereas ‘good old Emily’ just carried on regardless. Because ‘children soon forget’, you know. Apparently. That’s what I always did - carried on regardless. But I was tired. It had been a long time.
I didn’t realise I was gripping the cushion so violently until it tore and the insides came out. I wouldn’t cry though. I would never cry for my daddy.
Wednesday 1st February
I didn’t mention yesterday evening to Jamie when we got in the car the next morning. Let him sort himself out. He didn’t look like he’d had much sleep, but neither had I. We could talk after college. So I dropped him off at the usual place and he strode off purposefully.
Peter seemed pleased to see me, and Group E was unusually quiet. I suddenly noticed Jamie was absent. Maybe gone to the toilet. Time lengthened and he still didn’t arrive. I felt a little relieved.
However, by ten o’clock I was worried. Luke wasn’t in class to ask either. And I wasn’t going near Aaron, thank you very much.
‘Seem to be a few missing today, Peter?’ I asked casually.
He looked up in surprise. ‘Haven’t you heard?’
‘Heard what?’ The fear coiled in my stomach. Had something awful happened?
‘Jamie Norton has been excluded.’
‘W- Why?’
‘He attacked Luke Edwards yesterday. Completely unprovoked. It was vicious.’
‘W-what?’ I sat down suddenly, not noticing Aaron watching me.
‘Come and help me, Miss,’ he called.
I went without thinking. I knew Jamie had been acting strangely last night, but…
‘I can’t read this bit, Miss,’ said Aaron.
Unthinkingly I read the boring passage about Personal Protective Equipment to him.
‘I don’t think he needs you to do that, Emily,’ said Peter.
‘N-no, of course not.’
‘I’ll just be a second, I need to get the telly. John, Ryan, come and help, please.’ Peter swished out with them trailing after him.
‘So, your boyfriend’s not here,’ hissed Aaron.
‘You don’t need my help.’
I stood up scornfully and went to the other side of the classroom, sitting down next to Gary, who was amenable and we got on with his work.
‘Hey, Miss,’ said Aaron’s voice, close to me. I turned and found his groin thrust in my face.
‘Ugh!’ said Gary, and moved away but I was trapped. I couldn’t lean back any further because Aaron was pushing his bulging trousers in my face.
‘Suck it, bitch. You know you want it,’ he jeered, pushing it closer as the others laughed.
My face flamed and I felt sick.
‘Peter’s coming, Az!’ said Dwayne.
‘So am I!’ jeered Aaron, but he moved away, laughing.
‘Settle down boys,’ said Peter, bringing in the television. ‘We’re going to watch a short film about building site accidents.’
‘Are you alright, Emily?’ he added. ‘Gary, open that window, it's rather hot in here.’
‘I’m fine.’ What should I do? Stay there and risk it happening again when Peter left the room? Or go out and let Aaron win?
‘Actually, I need a breath of fresh air.’ I left the classroom in a hurry. I was leaving my job soon. I didn’t have to put up with that. I headed to the learning support office.
‘Alright?’ asked Di, the learning mentor.
‘Just needed a break.’
‘Well, watch out. Leanne’s coming back from the meeting soon, so she’ll ask why you’re here.’
‘I’ll go when she gets back. Thanks.’
There were two other learning support assistants there too: Sharon and Tracy.
‘That fight was nasty yesterday wasn’t it?’ said Tracy.
I pricked up my ears.
‘Poor Luke didn’t stand a chance. Bloody Jamie!’ she continued.
I was dying to ask for more information but didn’t dare.
‘He’s a funny one, Jamie, isn’t he?’ said Sharon.
‘Funny!’ snorted Tracy. ‘More like violent. I pity his girlfriend if he’s got a nasty temper like that.’
‘Does he have a girlfriend?’
‘Yes. I think that’s what they were fighting about.’
I hoped my face didn’t give me away. Fighting? Over me? Or was this some other girlfriend? I wasn’t under any illusions that I was Jamie’s one and only. He didn’t want me to know, that’s for sure, because he hadn’t said a thing. Poor Luke, how awful.
‘Jamie’s very intense, isn’t he?’ commented Sharon.
‘Like so many of them,’ interjected Di. ‘They have so much pent up anger, it's bound to come out s
ometimes.’
‘Hm,’ said Tracy. ‘They need a kick up the arse if you ask me.’
Di and I exchanged glances. We both believed in treating the students kindly, not going for the jugular at the first incident. But Tracy was a one person judge and jury.
I couldn’t face going back to Health and Safety, so I hung around in the library ‘til the lesson was over. I knew Aaron and co. wouldn’t go in there.
The rest of the day passed in a dream. What would I do when I got home? Would Jamie be there? Would he attack me too? What the hell was going on? I was sure there was more to it than a straightforward fight over a girl, because Jamie said Luke was more or less family. But if it was a girl, who was she? I felt a bit jealous, but was she even real?
I tried to think about it objectively. What would a competent learning support assistant do to help Jamie? She would keep calm, not shout or accuse him like a girlfriend or mother would. I used to be good at my job, now it was time to get those instincts back.
When I got home, fortunately Jamie had not found some way to get into my flat. I was in a dilemma. Should I text him to see where he was? It was cold and I was hungry, maybe he was too. Maybe he was still in a state about the fight. When he came back, I wouldn’t ask him about it ‘til after he’d eaten, I decided. If he came back at all.
I cooked a big chicken and mushroom pie that I’d been saving for a special occasion. I didn’t want to seem as if I was rewarding him for beating up Luke, but I had to find out the full story. I started eating, realising I hadn’t eaten much since breakfast.
The entry phone rang and it was him. Perhaps he’d smelled the food.
I had to keep calm, or who knows what he’d do? It felt like survival.
He shambled in wearing the same expression of yesterday: faraway, closed, inhuman. I felt on a knife edge. But before he could speak, he saw the pie.
‘That your tea?’
‘It's for both of us.’
He sat down at the table, eyeing me suspiciously. At least he was used to me cooking dinner for us now.
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