I didn’t say a word ‘til he’d devoured every mouthful.
‘Jamie, I know you’ve been excluded.’ I said after a few minutes. ‘And I know why.’
‘No, you don’t.’ Luckily he was too satisfied to start arguing.
‘Please tell me. I’m on your side.’ I was amazed at how calm I was being but it was a survival instinct. He was actually dangerous, which I’d forgotten about in the last week.
‘Luke grassed me up,’ he muttered, swigging the water I’d provided. ‘Where’s my beer?’
‘You drank it all. What do you mean?’
‘Grassed up means-‘
‘I know what grassed up means.’ With an effort I kept my voice calm. ‘What about? Do you mean about us?’
‘Yeah. He told Aaron. That’s why Aaron got you in the locker room.’
‘But why didn’t you beat Aaron up?’
‘I can’t do that! He’s my mate. Luke shouldn’t have told him.’
‘But don’t you think Aaron must have threatened him to find out?’
That shut him up. He wouldn’t meet my eyes but muttered something that sounded like an agreement.
‘Are you scared of Aaron?’ They all were, I didn’t really need to ask.
‘Nah! Fucking little- I could ‘ave him any day!’
‘Alright, alright. I know the reason now.’
‘It's all your fuckin’ fault anyway. Now I’m gonna fail my course!’
He glared at me. Shit. Now it's all going to go wrong.
‘I know,’ I said placatingly. ‘I’m really sorry. Do you want to leave? Go back home to your dad?’
His face registered shock and something else. Was it- fear?
‘No! I’ll stay here a bit. If it's alright.’
‘It IS alright. I just had to know what happened with Luke. I’m sorry I’ve messed up your course.’
He sighed. ‘I was crap at it anyway.’ Then he stalked to his room where I heard him muttering to himself and throwing things.
I was sorry about his course, but half relieved I had saved myself from being hurt. The other half of me was…what? Sorry we hadn’t had a fight which ended up in bed? Conflicting emotions.
Thursday 2nd February
‘What are you going to do today?’
He shrugged.
‘I know you’re angry but please, please don’t mess up my flat again. Go out running or something.’
‘Running?’ he looked scornful.
‘Or go somewhere else? To a mate’s house?’
‘Could do. Gimme a key to your flat?’
‘No, I don’t want to. Sorry, but if your mates get hold of it…’
‘Fair enough. I’ll wait here for you.’
It occurred to me that he was keeping a low profile after the attack on Luke.
‘Okay. See you tonight, then.’
He nodded and switched on the television.
I was relieved to get to the call centre. Easy work with no emotional stress. I was thinking over Clive’s proposal of last week. Working at the call centre all week would get me away from the students and the thankless task of learning support. Well, it was thankless at that college. If only I could have stayed in London.
At ten o’clock, my phone beeped.
‘Fancy lunch at the Sesame Bar today? 12.00. Tess.’
I replied positively. I could do with her advice, or her opinion, anyway. I was lost and it was getting harder to find my way out.
‘Hey,’ she said, smiling as I went into the plant laden, bamboo tabled bar. Pretentious but comfortable - the bar not Tess, I meant.
She was a dynamo: very small and round but with bags of energy. The great thing about her was that she had been a learning support assistant a few years ago, before taking up magazine writing. She understood a bit about the type of students I supported, but I had always known she was more dedicated and methodical about them than I was. She was always reliable and consistent and didn’t let them get to her. The only reason she had given up learning support was that she wanted to write, and in her usual determined way, had set about it with zeal until she got the job she wanted.
‘So, you’ve got a seventeen year old boyfriend.’ She went straight to the point.
‘Yes.’
‘Why? I don’t need to tell you what hot water you could get into.’
‘I know. I’m just- did Honey tell you the full story?’
‘Not really. Go on. I’ll brace myself.’
So I told her about the lift and what followed. Even about the sex, the gay club and Jamie beating up Luke.
‘God Emily! What have you got yourself into? I can tell he’s trouble without even meeting him.’
‘I know! Everyone’s told me that. I’m tired of being sensible and careful. I just wanted to do something mad and crazy for once in my life!’ My voice rose and other diners looked round.
‘Isn’t there any other way you could find to do something crazy?’
‘I don’t know.’ I looked down. ‘I don’t know how I feel anymore.’
She paused for a long moment.
‘I’m not sure what advice to give. I can’t imagine being in your shoes but the only thing I can think of is to let it run its course. If he’s seventeen, he’ll get fed up soon and leave you alone. Which is a good thing.’
I felt duly reprimanded.
‘Sorry to be harsh.’ She took my hand. ‘Someone’s got to tell you the truth. Because you don’t want to spoil your learning support career with some stupid relationship.’
I suddenly realised something - I didn’t want a learning support career. I had been doing it for too long and now I’d reached the point where I couldn’t keep giving without getting anything back. I wanted something better.
‘You look like you’ve just had a revelation,’ she smiled. ‘Hope what I said helped.’
She moved on to talk of other things, but my mind was elsewhere. Perhaps I should just finish it with Jamie, leave my job and go to the call centre tomorrow. I didn’t want to be there all my life but I could work there in an easy job while I looked for something different. My mind kept running over and over it all.
* * *
‘Had fun at your posh job?’ Jamie asked when I got home. The flat was untidy but not dirty, so that was something.
‘I suppose I have. It's a break from the students.’
‘Why are you a learning assistant if you don’t like students?’
‘I do like them. It's just a tiring job.’
‘All you do is sit there. It can’t be that tiring.’
‘Well it is, alright? Now what do you want for dinner?’
‘Dunno.’
‘I want fish and chips, I’m tired of cooking.’
He shrugged. ‘Can’t see you going down the chippie.’
‘Well I do go to the chippie. How posh do you think I am?’
He shrugged.
‘Have you been here all day?’
‘Yep.’
‘You must be really bored. Do you want to go to the chippie for me?’
‘Okay.’ He was up getting his coat before he’d finished speaking.
‘Small cod and chips, please.’ I gave him money. ‘Don’t run off with it, please. I’m starving.’
He grimaced and went out.
Twenty minutes later I was just getting some frozen peas ready to have with the fish and chips when the entry phone began ringing urgently. I hurried over, half worried it was the police saying Jamie had been run over.
‘Yes?’
‘Lemme in, quick!’ It was Jamie, sounding terrified. I pressed the buzzer, but I heard the sound of arguing and a scuffle. It was probably Luke’s friends trying to get Jamie back for hurting him. I didn’t want them coming up to my flat, so I grabbed my key and ran out of the door, charging down the stairs as I was sure they wouldn’t bother coming up in the lift.
When I got to the front door, Jamie was facing an older man, who was telling him off. Jamie looked trapped and defeate
d.
‘You’re comin’ ‘ome with me now! I’m not ‘aving my son shacking up with some old bird-‘ He stopped when he saw me. He had a square, thick-set build with a shaven head and a good quality leather jacket, a substantial gold chain round his neck and a couple of sovereign rings on his sausage-like fingers.
‘This her?’ Jamie’s dad jerked his head at me with a cold, speculative gaze.
‘Yeah.’ Jamie didn’t meet my eyes.
‘I can see why you’re fucking her.’ He ran his eyes over me and it sent a chill down my spine. He stepped towards me and I steeled myself not to flinch.
‘You can’t keep my boy in your flat, Missus. It's not right.’ He jabbed his finger at me, fortunately not touching me.
I drew myself up to my full height, five foot five.
‘But, Mr Norton. He had nowhere else to go and its February. Do you want him out on the street?’
He stepped up closer. ‘I want him back home with me where he belongs. Not wasting his life with you.’
‘He’s not wasting his life!’
‘He shouldn’t be living at yours. I’m a laughing stock down the pub.’
‘Why?’
‘My mates think it's funny my son wants to live with a teacher instead of me. I’m respected round here and you’ve made me a joke!’
I stood my ground.
‘Can’t you just laugh it off and be grown up about it?’
‘Lairy, isn’t she?’ Norton glanced over at Jamie, who shuffled and muttered something non-committal. He was obviously terrified of his father.
Norton stepped right up to me, bent his head and spoke directly into my face.
‘I’m taking my son home with me. Or else.’
‘I thought he let you down too much and you’d had enough of him? I thought you wanted him off your hands?’ I couldn’t help being cheeky.
He paused, so I pressed my advantage.
‘He’s at my flat, eating my food, using my electricity. I thought you’d be pleased to save the cost of looking after him.’
He still didn’t answer, just glared at me, his forehead furrowed. Respect or convenience? His choice.
‘You been getting his EMA?’ he asked at last. ‘Cos you won’t get it now he’s off his course.’
‘No.’
‘I’ll think about what I’m gonna do.’ He didn’t want to lose face, so made an empty threat. ‘Watch yourself, darlin’.’ And stalked off.
I breathed out shakily.
‘Come on.’ I took Jamie’s hand and led him upstairs. I could feel he was shaky too.
When we got into the flat, I set about serving out the fish and chips.
‘Thanks for that,’ he said, getting plates without being asked. ‘I couldn’t go back to living with him.’
‘Does he hit you?’
‘Course. Don’t all dads? Don’t suppose you’d know that after your easy life with Mummy and Daddy.’
I sniffed.
‘My easy life with Mummy and Daddy? My dad left when I was eleven, I never saw him again. My mum brought me and my brother up by herself. Is that an easy life?’
He was shocked.
‘S’pose not. Were you poor, then?’
‘Yes. Did you think I was some rich girl who got everything she wanted?’
‘Yeah. Sorry.’
‘Well, then. You don’t know everything.’
‘Never said I did!’
After tea we cuddled up on the sofa, both shaken by the encounter. Of course, we ended up having sex again but, for the first time, it was gentle instead of brutal. More like making love.
Monday 5th February
The last few days had passed without any incident. Oh yippee at going back to college! It was Group F Literacy with Olivia - could my day get any better?
I wasn’t in the mood for this but, for the umpteenth time, I put on a smile and waited for the students.
‘How’s things?’ asked Olivia. She rarely spoke to me, so I wasn’t sure what to say.
‘Oh- er- fine thanks. And you?’
‘Very well. I think you should-‘ She was interrupted by the boys coming in, and hastened away to deal with them.
‘Miss, can you help me?’ asked Shane immediately. The other boys sniggered but he ignored them.
‘What is it?’ He hadn’t even been given any work yet.
‘I have to tell you something,’ he hissed. But before he could, Olivia started the lesson.
‘Please stop giggling, boys. Really! Are you two year olds?’
That made them giggle even more but I ignored them.
I circulated as per usual, and was ostracised as per usual. Three weeks ‘til the end of the half term and my resignation!
‘He’s a right wanker,’ muttered Darren. ‘Shagging an old bird.’
‘She’s not a minger, though. I wouldn’t mind,’ replied Connor.
Not that again, I thought. Tyler’s ears must be burning.
I saw another learning support assistant, Sharon, at the door, peering in looking for someone. This wasn’t unusual. Boys were always being removed from class to see their learning mentors, or other staff members.
‘Miss,’ said Shane. He made a warning face and I turned to see Sharon conversing in a low voice with Olivia. All the boys were watching with bated breath. I turned back to Shane, trying to decipher his coded messages.
‘Could you come here please, Emily?’ Olivia had her falsely jolly voice on. ‘Sharon is going to take over in the class for the lesson,’ she whispered, turning away to hide what she said from the boys. ‘Could you go and see Leanne in her office, please?’
My feet were heavy as I trudged down the gleaming cream corridors. The building was like a spaceship - endless corridors all looking the same, the humming of vast air conditioners, people walking about in overalls. Perhaps an alien would suddenly rush towards me and eat me. That would be pretty much welcome at the moment.
‘Hello. Sit down,’ said Leanne. ‘I assume you have some idea of why I wanted to see you?’ She didn’t waste time with niceties. Di was there too. She wasn’t wearing her usual benevolent expression.
I nodded as slightly as I could. Make her say it out loud.
‘Mr Norton has made a complaint against you. He says you are having a sexual relationship with Jamie and he’s living with you at your home.’ She waited, watching me.
I paused. ‘Yes. I am. He is.’
She looked away. ‘Emily, I was so hoping you were going to deny it. People would take your word over Mr Norton’s any day. Can you tell me what happened?’
I started with a brief account of being stuck in the lift. It sounded so silly when spoken aloud to my boss.
‘So, you and Jamie Norton got stuck in the tower lift and you kissed him?’ Leanne looked disbelieving.
‘We thought we were going to die. It was like one of those disaster movies. We were both scared and it just happened.’
‘It wasn’t so long ago you spoke to me of your concerns about Jamie,’ said Di. ‘You came to me because his behaviour made you think he had problems at home, then he seemed to settle down and you said he was just being funny with you personally. How did that end up with you having a relationship with him?’
I paused. How did it? Why hadn’t I just accepted that he didn’t like me and ignored his behaviour? Why didn’t I push him away in the lift?
‘I- I don’t know,’ I said at last. ‘It all just happened.’
‘Things don’t just happen though, do they? You must have had something to do with it,’ said Leanne.
‘No, I suppose not.’ I couldn’t meet her eyes.
‘Anyway, the more serious concern is that Jamie has now been excluded because of you. The fight with Luke was because he thought Luke had told everyone about your relationship with him.’
‘Yes, I know.’
‘And you kept this quiet? I’m sorry Emily, but this is looking worse and worse for you.’
I gulped.
‘Emily, we
’ve been worried about you for some time,’ added Di kindly. ‘Brian and Peter have said you aren’t focussed in lessons, even Roger said you mentioned a while back that Jamie and his friends were upsetting you.’
‘If you’ve been worried about me, how come nobody told me and talked it over with me?’ I asked.
That threw them.
‘Well, you’re part-time. It's hard to get hold of you,’ said Leanne defensively.
I waited.
‘Anyway, didn’t you get your performance review with Sally Anne?’
‘Yes, but-‘ I shrugged.
‘That should have addressed any concerns.’
‘But it was- Sally Anne told me clearly that the reason I had the performance review was because OFSTED were coming and she wanted to make sure I said the right things.’ That shut them up again. Actually perhaps it wasn’t a wise tactic to get them off-side. ‘But I’m leaving soon, as you know. My notice ends at the end of the half term.’
‘Sorry Emily but that looks even worse, I’m afraid,’ Leanne hit back. ‘It makes it look as if you stopped acting appropriately with the students because you were going to leave.’
I shrugged. Maybe I had done that subconsciously.
‘Anyway, we have Jamie and his father coming for the meeting in ten minutes. I just wanted to give you a chance to explain to me privately first.’
Shit. Fuck. As Jamie would say.
We all waited in silence for the Nortons to turn up. Leanne did paperwork, Di typed at the computer and I just sat.
The phone rang and Leanne answered it.
‘I have been worried about you, Emily,’ Di said at once. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t help you more when you complained about Jamie. I just thought you were letting it get to you too much and should be tougher. I’m sorry.’
My eyes filled with tears. All I wanted was a bit of recognition, support and even friendship at work. The only person I’d got it from was a student.
There was a firm knock on the office door and Di leapt to answer it.
‘Come in. Would you like tea or coffee?’
‘Coffee, please, Madam,’ said Mr Norton, obviously feeling uncertain as to how to act in this environment. He was wearing a business suit this time. I stifled a giggle at how uncomfortable he looked and risked a glance at Jamie. He was very much in the background, head down, hands in pockets.
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