Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  ‘But-‘

  ‘Yes? Anything inaccurate about my summary?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Please leave. I will see you tomorrow.’ She looked away.

  I swore so violently in my head just then. All the words Jamie used. So I led him astray, did I? What about how he led me? Tears of shame stung my eyes, I hurried to the ladies toilets and spent a few minutes in the cubicle where no one could see me crying or swearing. At least in a construction department, the ladies was a place where hardly anyone went.

  I really couldn’t be bothered to go back to carpentry. Everyone would see how mortified I was and make it worse. I had done what I had to do in giving Jamie’s stuff back and seeing Sonia, so I went to the staff room. People avoided my eyes but I ignored them, cleared out the few things in my locker and just walked out. Actually more boys than usual eyed me appraisingly, but no one said anything, thank God.

  I phoned Clive when I got home, there was no time like the present. I was shaking, but didn’t care anymore.

  ‘Hey.’ I tried to sound sexy, ha ha. ‘It’s Emily Walker.’

  ‘Oh hiya, Emily.’ He had his warm voice on. ‘Great to talk to you. How are you?’

  ‘Guess what? They’ve released me from my contract here much earlier than I thought. So if you wanted, I could start next week.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Actually, there’s a bit of a problem with that, Emily. The job doesn’t start officially until March, which I believe I mentioned in our interview. Great you could start earlier, but ce n’est pas possible, I’m afraid.’ He had to show off his knowledge of French, but I knew it was to cover up embarrassment.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry. It's fine. I’ll be a lady of leisure for a while then.’ I kept my voice light while swearing inside.

  I felt like phoning Jamie then and shouting down the phone at him about how he’d messed up my life, but that wouldn’t be fair. I wasn’t going back to the college, though. I couldn’t. I’d just have to manage on my savings for a month.

  Tuesday 13th February

  I did one final big shop on my last salary from the college.

  I went to my normal supermarket as there was no reason to go out of town anymore. I saw people I knew from college in the distance, but avoided them. I must have looked so suspicious, dodging down the aisles. I’m surprised a security guard didn’t question me.

  At the checkout I saw him, with his father, buying what looked like the weekly shop. I had seen some boys before helping their parents with the shopping and said a cheery hello, even got a cheery response or two. Not this time though.

  ‘Madam? Please put your pin number in,’ prompted the checkout assistant.

  ‘Oh, sorry. Miles away there.’ I tapped in the number mindlessly, then looked up. Jamie and his dad were still there. Please don’t let Mr Norton see me, I prayed. I fiddled with my shopping to avoid having to pass them, and luckily they finished before I did, so I could skulk along a few yards behind them.

  At the store entrance, there was a queue and we had to wait. It was Valentine’s Day tomorrow, there were hearts and flowers all over the place.

  Near, far, wherever you are

  I believe that the heart does go on

  Once more you open the door

  And you're here in my heart

  And my heart will go on and on

  warbled Celine Dion over the loudspeakers.

  I was suddenly aware that this was the lowest point in my life. Ever. What had I become?

  As the queue moved, Jamie turned a little and caught my eye. I couldn’t look away, like a rabbit in the headlights. He gave the hint of a smile, to which I think I smiled back, probably completely unnaturally as I was trying too hard. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it was me. Or was he just trapped into smiling because I was right behind him? Or was it because it was a public place and he didn’t want to make a scene? Endless possibilities.

  I don’t expect to see him again. We live in different worlds. That type of boy is hard to get to know: they have complicated, extended families, their own secret worlds of drugs, crime and sex. Obviously I did get to know Jamie - too well - but now I expect him to disappear back under the surface again into his insecure, risky life, constantly at the mercy of gang loyalties and dubious activities.

  I feel a kind of closure - can you have slight closure, or does it have to be dramatic? The tension between Jamie and me had built up for so long in class that perhaps it had been inevitable that something would happen between us.

  I think I have a problem with men. I want them to love me too much, but I also want to hurt them. I know it was wrong to do all that with Jamie, but as Tess said, he was involved too, it wasn’t one sided. Sometimes chemistry just sparks between people, whoever they are, and it is either resolved or not. Maybe there’s nothing we can do about it. We are animals, after all.

  So now I’ve got a month’s ‘holiday’. I ignored the calls from the college asking where I was. Let them work it out. They don’t know where my call centre job is so they can’t mess that up for me. At least I hope they can’t. And I don’t think Jamie’s left me with anything. Not a disease - because the thrush seems to have cleared up - or a baby. Time will tell.

  Surfacing

  Chapter 1

  What the hell was I going to do? I wandered along the streets, unseeing, unaware. People pushed past me rudely, commenting, but I didn’t notice. The shocking news had hit me like the swinging doors of an operating theatre.

  It had started with the panic attacks, breathlessness, heart pounding.

  ‘I think you should go to the doctor,’ my friend Tess advised. ‘They could give you something for the attacks, I don’t know. You’ve been through a lot recently.’

  She was right: I had coped with so many things in the last few months that it wouldn’t be surprising if I was having some sort of breakdown. I had been to the appointment today and that was why I was now roaming around the city like a madwoman.

  It hadn’t helped that the doctor was grey haired and I’d felt like his hypochondriac daughter.

  ‘Have you been under great stress recently?’

  I nodded. ‘I- I don’t want to talk about it though.’

  ‘Of course. Perhaps you should take a holiday from work? Cut down on stress.’

  My job was hardly stressful, so it couldn’t be that, surely.

  ‘Another thing which could be adding to this is a poor diet and anaemia. Try to eat healthily, with lots of….’ He carried on talking, but I stopped listening.

  ‘Is there any chance you could be pregnant, Miss Walker?’

  ‘Oh! Er- No, no- I wouldn’t have thought so.’

  ‘When was the last time you had a sexual relationship with a man?’

  ‘Er- about two months ago. Something like that.’ I stifled a laugh. How ridiculous. I was a thirty year old woman and I couldn’t be pregnant by a seventeen year old boy, it was unthinkable.

  The test was the same as an over the counter one: wee on a stick and wait for endless minutes.

  ‘Well, I think we’ve found the cause of your dizziness,’ said the doctor. ‘You’re pregnant.’ He waited tactfully for my reaction.

  ‘There must be some mistake…’ but I knew there wasn’t. I’d ignored my lack of periods, thinking they had been disrupted by the ups and downs of the last few months. And they had never been regular anyway.

  ‘That’s unlikely, my dear.’ He ushered me to the couch and palpated my abdomen.

  ‘Yes. You are about eight weeks pregnant. Do take this, I see the news has been a shock.’ He handed me a British Pregnancy Advisory Service leaflet. ‘Take care.’

  A car hooting brought me back to the present, walking along a pavement. I didn’t know where I was, but I was approaching a newsagents. I decided to buy a glossy magazine as a treat: it would be a distraction to read about other people’s lives. It might make give me some ideas about what to do.

  At the counter, I glanc
ed up from my purse into a familiar face.

  ‘H- hello Shane,’ I faltered. A memory I didn’t need right now.

  ‘Er- hey, Miss.’ He looked as shocked as I was.

  ‘Got a part time job?’

  ‘No, Miss, I’ve left college. This is what I do now.’

  ‘Are you still with Kyle-‘

  ‘Kylie?’ he interrupted loudly. ‘No, we split up.’ The expression in his eyes was agonized and I bit my lip. He must still be in the closet. Was he or I in a worse situation?

  A rotund, rosy cheeked man strode up to him and patted him on the back so firmly he nearly overbalanced.

  ‘Good morning, Madam, so it is. Tis lovely to see the sun peeking through the clouds at last.’

  ‘This is my dad, Miss. This is our family business.’ Shane smiled weakly.

  ‘That it is. My son here’s going to take over when I shuffle off this mortal coil,’ Mr Kelly chuckled jovially. ‘The only one of my sons to show any interest at all. The others are off chasing girls, so they are.’

  Shane’s eyes met mine.

  ‘So your dad doesn’t know about all your girl chasing then Shane?’ I asked teasingly. ‘Sorry Mr Kelly, but he’s just as bad as his brothers.’

  ‘Well, well, well, I thought so,’ laughed Mr Kelly. ‘He’s a funny one. Never tells us about his lady friends.’

  ‘Ah, well. I used to work at the college with him. I heard all the boys’ secrets.’

  ‘Oh, I see, so you’re one of his teachers. Eamonn Kelly, glad to meet you.’ He held his hand out and I took it.

  ‘Emily Walker.’

  ‘I don’t think he was happy at the college, I’m sure you knew that, Emily. He never had any friends round. I think he was lonely. I don’t like to think of my boy lonely. It's so important to feel you’re not alone in life, wouldn’t you say?’

  I nodded absently, pleased to see Shane’s relieved face.

  ‘And of course now he’s back with his family.’ He nudged Shane playfully. ‘I’ll have more grandchildren before I know it. But don’t let me hold you up, now, Emily.’

  I bought the magazine, said a cheery goodbye and went on my way. Back to my dilemma.

  When I got home, I sat down to rest. What was I going to do? Should I keep the baby? What about my new job? I’d only been full time for a month. They would not be pleased if I left in a few months for maternity leave.

  Ugh. Maternity leave. It sounded so sensible and clinical.

  To give myself a break from the whirling thoughts, I went to the computer.

  After I was fired by Stonefield College, I discovered why everyone was fixated with the internet. It hadn’t occurred to me that there was a whole social world there - all I had used it for previously was to catch up on television programmes I’d missed, look up information, buy stuff. I investigated message forums and quickly became obsessed with them: I liked posting messages and seeing who responded, because someone always did. I was never ignored which was like a balm to someone tired of being invisible.

  I joined a film forum, a book forum and a soaps forum and made friends there. They had names like Bananagirl, Indiefreak, Spiderman, Aussie167. I became another person on each forum too, not boring Emily Walker. And because they were internet friends, they couldn’t get close to me and hurt me. I still had Tess and Honey as real friends but they were the only ones I trusted.

  I spent hours a day on the internet. It had been my friend, my world, my distraction until I started working full time at the call centre.

  Before I left college, Di, the learning mentor, had suggested that I register with Facebook so I wouldn’t be lonely. I had always been suspicious of Facebook as I suspected it was populated by weirdos and paedophiles, but curiosity and boredom got the better of me and I joined it.

  Di sent me a friend request immediately.

  ‘So sorry you left the way you did. I’m also sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed someone to talk to. x.’

  I shrugged when I received this. It was too late now. What was done was done. I had cried so many times since I left the college, not because of the job but because of Jamie, obviously. I didn’t think I loved him but I sure as hell missed having him around.

  It was amazing how many genuine people actually sent me a friend request.

  As I sat there trying not to think about the pregnancy, I was gratified to see there were more replies to my forum posts and even some Facebook friend requests. I was getting quite popular, which was an unfamiliar feeling.

  I looked at my friend list: Tess, Honey and her brother, Wolf, with their siblings Storm and Orchid; Di; old friends from secondary school; ex-colleagues. I could hardly remember the old school friends and colleagues, I had only added them to be polite, but it was gratifying to know they wanted to be my friends.

  Suddenly a message popped up. It was from Julie Zambora, a school friend.

  ‘Hi Emily. Long time no see! Do you fancy meeting up with me and the others soon? It would be fun. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll arrange something, love Julie xx.’

  I glanced at the names of the old school friends. Remarkable how they still conjured up images:

  Naomi Cutler; Eric Greenham; David Wilson; Julie Zambora.

  Naomi: outspoken and sporty; Eric: polite and self-contained; David: computer geek; Julie: warm and motherly.

  Did I want to meet them again in person? I was in no state to meet old friends. I didn’t even know what I was going to do about the baby. Should I keep it or not? The big question returned to the front of my mind, like an endless game of tennis. This way, that way, this way, that way.

  My thoughts were interrupted by another message popping up. A friend request. I clicked on it and gasped. Should I have ex-students as friends? After a few minutes I decided.

  I pressed ‘Accept Shane Kelly’s friend request’. He probably just wanted my name to boost his friend list numbers.

  But immediately he sent me another message:

  ‘thanx for not telling my dad. none of family know. hope you ok.’

  ‘I’m ok thanx. Why u left college?’ No point telling him I was definitely not okay. I didn’t want the news getting to Jamie before I’d got my own head around it.

  ‘hated it. Dad thinks I’m gonna take over shop, but I dunno.’

  ‘Were you upset about Kyle?’

  ‘a bit. Ok now though.’

  I wasn’t surprised he’d left the course. He’d never been a natural construction student: too pretty and clever! He was lucky the other boys hadn’t found out he was gay.

  The next morning, I sat for a minute listening to the noises of the Eazi Kall centre. Phones ringing, people talking. No one swearing, sniggering, whispering, or arguing. No one surreptitiously using their mobiles, chewing or drinking. No weird atmosphere putting me off. Instead it was neutral - even pleasant - with people conversing normally and politely. I didn’t have to put on a defensive front in case I was sneered at or prepare fast answers to rude questions. It was an easier job than at Stonefield College and I didn’t want to lose it. But what on earth was I going to tell them?

  I remembered my first meeting with the manager after I’d started full time. Clive had questioned me about why I’d left the college before my notice finished, but I’d fobbed him off. He had seemed satisfied with my vague explanations, which hadn’t included anything about the Jamie situation. I had been so relieved to escape trouble that time, but how would he react now?

  When I got home there was another message from Shane. Couldn’t he leave me alone? I had enough to worry about.

  ‘I gotta get out of this job, it's so boring.’

  ‘Better than construction college tho?’

  ‘yeh, but not what I wanna do. Architecture.’

  That rang an uncomfortable bell. My younger brother was an architect, far away in the Midlands. I hadn’t seen him for years.

  ‘Sounds interesting,’ I typed untruthfully.

  ‘U still see Jamie?’
>
  ‘Of course not!’ I bashed the return key as if it was Jamie’s head.

  ‘he treated u bad Miss. Me and K thought.’

  I paused, struggling with another memory. Had he ‘treated me bad’? Had I treated him badly? Was I getting what I deserved?

  ‘hes out the way now. hes gone to live with his mum in Cliffdale.’

  Cliffdale was the other side of the city, green and pleasant, another world. My interest was piqued.

  ‘Why did he leave his dad?’

  ‘they had a bad fight.’

  Jamie must have finally had enough of being neglected. Good for him. I was glad he was away from that horrible man, however annoyed I was with him for other reasons.

  ‘u still there?’

  ‘Yes. Is J happy?’

  ‘think so.’

  Suddenly another message popped up. From Julie Zambora.

  ‘Hi Emily. I went ahead and arranged a meetup. Would you like to get together with me and some others for a mini school reunion? Just a few of us. It's on Saturday, 20th June at Evergreens. Let me know. xx’

  I wouldn’t go: it would be stupid to go over old ground.

  ‘Bye, Shane. Take care.’ I went offline. I wanted my virtual friends, not these real life people getting too close to me with their questions.

  All this talk of Jamie made me think about him however hard I tried not to. I should tell him I was pregnant, but it's not like he was a normal boyfriend. He’d have his own life now, away from here. He was too young to be a father; it was a stupid idea to tell him. Again I went this way and that, wondering what to do.

  I put his name into Google but just got a load of rubbish. I found another site called 123people.com, which promised images, email addresses, tags, social networking profiles, biographies of anyone you wanted to look up. I was amazed how much information there was and how easy it was to find. I should look myself up next time.

  I flicked through the images; quite a few pages worth of Jamie Nortons. Middle aged with grey hair, tiny infants, even a Springer spaniel and a boat, which was weird. Jamie Norton, winning best behaved dog; the Jamie Norton, setting sail for Gibraltar.