Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  Then suddenly there he was. I clicked on the picture but it didn’t enlarge. I clicked on the website link but, again, I couldn’t get to it. So frustrating. A tiny picture of him which shouldn’t affect me so much, but did.

  I was carrying his child, a part of him. Perhaps this one would have a better life, I’d certainly try to make it so.

  Hang on. Was I thinking I would keep the baby? I was thirty. Perhaps this was my last - or only chance - to have a baby. There certainly weren’t any other men banging on my door.

  I wanted to keep the baby. A rush of happiness shot up my body; this was the right decision. God knows how I would look after him or her, but my gut feeling was positive, and I was a believer in gut feelings.

  I sat in the lounge for hours. Dusk came, the street lights switched on, night began. But I didn’t move. How the hell was I going to look after a baby? I must be mad. I’d had negative pregnancy tests before, so I’d told myself I couldn’t have children. I’d told myself that was for the best as I wasn’t a good person. But now I had to face it: I could have a child if I wanted. Thanks to some fly-by-night teenager sowing his seed.

  I grabbed the phone.

  ‘Tess, Tess help me!’

  ‘Emily? Iss one in the morning…what’s wrong?’

  ‘I’m- I’m-‘

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  ‘My God!’ She suddenly sounded wide awake. ‘Is it- is it- Jamie’s?’

  ‘Of course! How many men do you think I’ve slept with?’ I shouted. I had to stop then as tears were spurting out of my eyes.

  Tess spent two hours on the phone counselling me. After that I fell asleep with exhaustion.

  Next morning I woke feeling content. Now, what was I doing today? Something moved in the back of my mind… was it… something I didn’t want to know…

  Then it leapt on me. I was having a baby.

  I phoned in sick. I couldn’t keep up a brave face at work.

  Tess came round at ten o’clock and flung her arms round me.

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

  ‘The benefits of having a creative job,’ she smiled briefly. ‘Never mind me, how are you?’

  ‘I can’t believe I got pregnant by a- a kid.’

  She shrugged. ‘He’s still got the right equipment, however young he is. I’ll support you with the baby. Are you still sure you want to keep it?’

  ‘Yes, I think I am. It's my last chance to have one-‘

  ‘It's not your last chance, don’t be daft. There are plenty of men out there for you.’

  ‘Tess, I don't want to be rude but you’ve never found Mister Right, have you?’

  ‘No, but… I’m a bossy old cow. You’re much nicer.’ She smiled, in a motherly way. I sometimes felt like her naughty child going to her for advice.

  ‘Could you tell Honey? I can’t really face her histrionics.’

  I loved Honey, but I couldn’t see her being much help with the baby, she was too flighty. So I’d just have Tess to rely on.

  Chapter 2

  The next few weeks dragged and I didn’t feel well. When I’d worked at the college, I’d been outside in all weathers. Even in the workshops the doors and windows had been open all the time because the boys got so hot doing brickwork, carpentry, painting and decorating. They would have suffocated with everything shut, and I’d have asphyxiated from the smell! I’d complained about the cold in winter but just been told to wrap up warm.

  But the call centre air was stale, recycled. It made me feel trapped.

  I poured out my story to Clive.

  ‘So this wasn’t planned?’ His brow creased.

  ‘No it wasn’t. These things happen.’

  ‘So did your boyfriend leave you to deal with it?’

  Boyfriend. What an ironic word. BOYfriend. Not a man yet.

  ‘Yes, he did.’ It was nearly true.

  ‘You poor thing. Don’t worry. Eazi Kall will look after you. You worked here long enough part time to qualify for full maternity leave. To be honest with you, Emily, I didn’t want to be a parent but it's been a blessing in disguise.’

  Perhaps Clive was human after all, despite his yuppy exterior.

  There were so many appointments, examinations, instructions I had to attend and understand. They all went around me, over me, through me until one day I couldn’t take any more and stopped worrying. A sense of happy wellbeing took over and I began to feel like a cow, content just chewing my cud and existing.

  I bumped into Shane one day.

  ‘Hello Emily!’ He was genuinely pleased to see me. ‘Alright?’

  I smiled. I wasn’t going to tell him my news but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered these days. Life was all calm and soft, I floated through it.

  ‘Want a coffee?’

  I drifted after him, buoyant on a maternal sea.

  ‘How’s shop work?’ I couldn’t help smiling inanely and he gave me a strange look.

  ‘Still crap. I was better off at college with Kyle.’

  ‘So you and Kyle - what happened?’

  ‘He was cheating on me. With a girl.’ He looked down sadly. ‘He was my first- y’know.’

  ‘Shane, does anyone know you’re gay?’

  ‘No. Not my family, they wouldn’t like it.’

  ‘How do you know they wouldn’t?’

  ‘They’re very…. traditional.’

  I suddenly felt terribly sad, so just went with it and let the tears flow.

  ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, Emily, I-‘

  ‘It's alright, it's just me,’ I sobbed. He quickly handed me a paper napkin. I laughed at its feebleness as it fell apart with one dab at my eyes.

  ‘Are- are you alright?’

  ‘Oh, I’m fine.’ What a wonderful world this is, I suddenly thought. ‘I’m going to have a baby, that’s all.’ I smiled broadly.

  ‘Oh! Fuckin’ hell!’

  There was a long pause while he processed this.

  ‘Is it Jamie’s?’

  ‘Yes. Don’t tell him though, you mustn’t tell him.’ I knew I sounded like a mad woman with my abrupt changes but didn’t care.

  ‘No- no, I won’t. So that’s why you were crying just now.’

  ‘How understanding of you, Shane. I’ve always liked you.’ I laughed, full of sudden affection.

  ‘Well I’ve got five sisters. I’ve seen them all like this. Don’t worry.’ He patted my arm.

  ‘You can talk to me about Kyle - and stuff - any time you know.’

  ‘Thanks. Haven’t really got anyone else to talk to. It's not just about Kyle.’

  ‘Do you go to Wolf’s club anymore? Remember the time we were there with Jamie and Kyle and they ended up fighting?’

  ‘Men!’ he shrugged affectedly, camping it up like mad. ‘What are they like?’

  We giggled together like two girlies.

  ‘Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em,’ I added, which made us giggle even more.

  I decided to go to the school reunion. Why not? I was invincible at the moment and, after the baby was born, I would be too busy, apparently. Although I wasn’t sure how a tiny baby could keep someone so busy.

  ‘Oh great!’ said Wolf when I told him about the reunion. ‘I love going to those, seeing what everyone looks like years later. Shall I come with you?’

  ‘It's not YOUR school reunion,’ I giggled.

  ‘Even so, I like meeting new people. I’m tired of the usual crowd, they are so bo-oring.’ He pulled a face which made me laugh even more.

  ‘Evergreens’ was a cosy place, decorated in balmy peach and lemon, with comfortable chairs and round tables to encourage conversation.

  ‘Hi there, Emily. You haven’t changed a bit!’ Julie exclaimed.

  I never know whether it's worse if people say that or ‘you’ve completely changed!’ They could both be insults or compliments.

  ‘Neither have you,’ I smiled.

  ‘My hair’s totally
different though.’ At school she had naturally dark hair, now she was blonde. Oops.

  ‘It's hard to see in this dim light. Even though I don’t know you, you could pass for a twenty year old,’ said Wolf courteously. And untruthfully.

  ‘Oh, well, thank you.’ She looked uncertainly from me to Wolf and back.

  ‘This is my husband. He owns a club in the city.’

  Wolf gave a slight gasp and gripped my arm.

  ‘Yes, it's doing very well,’ he recovered smoothly.

  ‘And we’re having our first baby soon,’ I continued. Wouldn’t it be nice if that was true?

  ‘Oh, how lovely!’ Julie smiled genuinely. ‘We must make tonight a celebration. Everyone?’ She tapped on her wine glass with a teaspoon and announced our ‘news’.

  ‘What are you playing at?’ hissed Wolf in my ear. ‘We won’t be able to carry it off.’

  ‘Yes, we will.’

  ‘You’re a crazy woman. Who are all these people anyway?’ I pointed out the mousy haired David, blond Eric and brunette Naomi, my closest school friends.

  ‘Hm,’ he said, eyeing David and Eric.

  ‘Don’t be too obvious, you’re meant to be straight.’

  ‘Oh yes. Now, my dearest darling honeybun, what would you like to drink?’

  ‘Don’t overdo it!’ I laughed.

  I was amazed that the evening passed happily and easily. Everyone had experienced ups and downs in life, not just me. I had imagined they all enjoyed perfect lives with loving partners, happy children, fulfilling careers. But there was only a few happily married, everyone else was separated, divorced, single. And, of course, I had a fake marriage.

  Why had I lost touch with my old school friends? I moved away to London to make a fresh start when I was twenty then, when I returned three years later, I hadn’t bothered looking them up. Yet here they were again. Perhaps life is a circle and we keep meeting those we have met before.

  Eric approached us after dessert.

  ‘How are you, Emily? Congratulations on your happy event. How long have you been married?’

  ‘I’m very well thanks. We’ve been married for three years, haven’t we?’

  Wolf hastily rearranged his expression to blissful.

  ‘So what do you do?’ he asked Eric.

  ‘I run a garden centre.’

  ‘Oh, that sounds interesting. What does that involve?’

  I’d never heard Wolf express any interest in gardens before. Perhaps he liked Eric. I’d better leave them to it.

  I had never been sure if Eric was gay or not. He had been out with girls at school but, as I hadn’t seen him for over ten years, all that could have changed. He had always been very neat and tidy, almost obsessive about it. He couldn’t bear to be hugged or even patted on the arm, he always gave out a ‘don’t touch me’ vibe which I obeyed. All these things made me wonder about his sexuality.

  ‘Where are you going, my little chickadee?’ asked Wolf, grabbing my arm.

  ‘To the ladies.’

  When I got back, Wolf was talking to Naomi. So much for my matchmaking.

  ‘Didn’t you two hit it off?’ I asked him.

  ‘What two? Who?’

  ‘You and Eric. The tall blond one.’

  ‘No. Why?’

  ‘Oh, no reason.’ I smiled to myself.

  Naomi always reminded me of a PE teacher. She was tall and square, and had been like a protector at school: no one had dared bully me or Julie when she was around.

  ‘Never thought you’d get married, Em!’ she exclaimed. ‘If you did, it would be that bloke you were going out with, that science teacher, what was his name?’

  ‘Science teacher? You didn’t tell me about that, my little cupcake?’ scolded Wolf.

  ‘He wasn’t a science teacher, he was a lab technician. Neil.’

  ‘Yes, it was scandalous,’ said Naomi. ‘She was sixteen, he was a member of staff. We were all terribly jealous.’ She gave her annoying, hooting laugh. ‘I think he lost his job though.’

  There was a pause as uncomfortable memories whirled in my mind.

  ‘Well, these things happen. People have relationships,’ said Wolf at last. ‘Now, what do you do, Naomi?’

  Bless you, Wolf. Thank God you came with me tonight.

  ‘Alright, dearie?’ he asked after he’d got rid of Naomi. ‘She’s an old dyke, isn’t she?’

  ‘Don’t think so! But thanks, that was so difficult. Can we go soon?’

  ‘Oh…! I’m enjoying myself. Some blokes here are definitely in the closet. I’m trying to get them out.’

  ‘You’re right there. I think Eric definitely is.’

  ‘Eric?’

  Suddenly Julie tapped on her wine glass again.

  ‘Not a big speech, don’t worry. Just to say thanks for coming. I can’t believe its fourteen years since we left school. Since then, we’ve all been-‘

  I stopped listening.

  ‘Can we go?’ I hissed at Wolf. ‘I’m getting really tired.’

  He paused.

  ‘Okay.’ He stood up. ‘My apologies, ladies and gents. We really need to go now. My wife is feeling tired.’

  Everyone made agreeing noises. ‘Takes it out of you, doesn’t it?’; ‘My wife was just the same.’

  In the car, I burst into tears and cried for quarter of an hour.

  ‘Dear oh dear,’ said Wolf. ‘It wasn’t that bad was it?’

  ‘No. It's just-‘ I couldn’t explain to him, I just couldn’t. If only I had a life like that. The perfect husband and a baby on the way. A nice house and family.

  But I didn’t. I had no husband, a small flat, a pointless job, a baby with a teenage criminal father who didn’t even know. How pathetic was I?

  The next morning I woke up feeling guilty. It wasn’t fair to lie to my friends, it wasn’t fair on Wolf. He had his own life, he didn’t need a fake wife and baby.

  I was too cowardly to tell my friends face to face, so I did it via Facebook. I changed my status to Single, and left it for them to find. They probably wouldn’t notice. I was pretty unimportant.

  I had to face it. I was Emily Walker, single mum to be with only myself to depend on. For once, I had to take charge of my life and not go where the wind blew me.

  However, I had underestimated the world’s obsession with Facebook. I got a message from Naomi the same day.

  ‘Do you know your status says single? Thought you were married. You should change it.’

  I replied, explained the situation and apologised. Word must have got round as the next message was from Julie:

  ‘Oh Emily! You didn’t have to pretend! I’ve been a single mum since my husband left me. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Would you like to meet for coffee?’

  Another from Eric:

  ‘I am so sorry to hear you and your husband are no longer together.’

  That made me smile. Silly old Eric getting the wrong end of the stick.

  And another from David: ‘I see you’ve updated your status. Did you know there are lots of areas on your page which are empty? You just have to click on them to fill them.’

  What a typical thing for David to say. He had been the computer expert at school, always fixing our technical problems and endlessly talking about his interests of fantasy gaming, life on other planets, long range weather forecasts and the idiosyncrasies of the English language. Half the time he made me laugh, the other half I’d told him to shut up.

  But at least my friends cared.

  I met Julie for coffee.

  ‘Hi, Emily. Oh, you are blooming. How lovely you look.’ She gave me a long and affectionate hug. ‘You didn’t need to pretend Wolf was your husband, you silly goose! Come on, let’s order. It's on me.’

  ‘I want to tell you the truth about the baby.’

  She had always been motherly and kind at school, always there when the rest of us had problems. I’d talked about Neil with her; she had listened without prejudice and tried to advise me. I knew that others ha
d frowned on the relationship, but not her.

  If she didn’t like me after I told her about Jamie, it would be no loss. I now had virtual friends on my pregnancy forum, so I could confide in them. So I told her.

  ‘Gosh, Emily! I’m speechless.’ Her eyes were wide. ‘But I don’t mean – er - what I meant was that I don’t disapprove of what happened. My husband was married when we got together. He had to get divorced and re-marry me, but now he’s gone off with another woman. Life is so complicated, isn’t it?’

  I nodded with relief.

  ‘But you’ve never been conventional, have you, Em? I’m glad we’re in touch again, life’s too short to lose your friends.’

  In the next few weeks I found Julie meant what she said. She invited me round to her house with Naomi, who also hugged me in her firm and awkward way.

  ‘I know I shouldn’t have done it,’ I said, eating a large slice of coffee cake, my tongue loosened by hormones. ‘But I was lonely, bored and depressed. Jamie was just there. He liked me and he was fit.’ I laughed self-consciously and, after a little pause, Julie and Naomi did too.

  ‘A fit seventeen year old. Sounds compromising,’ said Naomi.

  ‘Compromising?’

  ‘Legally, physically, sexually.’ She blushed.

  ‘Yes, you’re right. I was sacked from my job and I’m not allowed to work with teenagers again.’

  ‘But it was worth it, eh?’

  ‘I suppose so. I’ll find out after the baby’s born.’

  ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ said Julie. ‘That’s what I believe anyway.’

  ‘And to everything there is a season. Isn’t that a song?’

  I was happy in their company. I felt like I’d turned a corner. Everyone who mattered to me knew what I was now: single mum to be, seducer of a teenager. It was all out in the open.

  When I got home a message light blinked on my answer phone. I pressed the button to hear a familiar male voice.

  ‘Hi Emily. Your friend Tess called the other day. She thought I should know about the baby. It was a shock but I want to support you. Can I come and see you soon?’

  It was my brother, Gareth. I sat down very suddenly. I only heard from him at Christmas and on my birthday. After our dad left when I was eleven, we had slowly grown apart.