“This is because of him,” he said, his voice cold. “You are going to go out there, and commit suicide––because of him.”
“I have no intention of committing suicide,” I said, frowning.
When the fury in his eyes worsened, I let out a humorless laugh.
“Jesus, ‘Dor. It’s over, okay? You can blame him or me or call me a coward… it’s not going to change anything. There’s nothing more I can do here. Not with him, and not with this Bridge bullshit. All I ever do is get people killed. And I’d rather not do that anymore, if it’s all the same to you.”
“So you will… what? Be a waitress again?”
A low coil of anger hit my gut. Feeling my jaw clench, I started to turn away, but he yanked on my arm, forcing me to face him.
“Allie. Do not let him make this decision for you!”
I wrenched my arm away, angry for real. “I’m not. Christ. You’re as bad as he is!”
“Why are you leaving, Allie?” he said. “Why?”
When I tried to walk away again, he grabbed both of my arms, pulling me towards him.
“Allie!” he said. “We need you! Don’t you see that?”
Meeting his gaze, I just looked at him.
His eyes filled with emotion while I watched, a kind of desperate anger that didn’t feel wholly aimed at me. I’d seen the look before, since everything happened in China and with the Rebels, but I’d never seen it so completely on the surface of his face. I watched him look at me, as if fighting with words, or maybe with the feelings warring behind them.
Then I saw his eyes drift to my mouth. Seeing his expression change again, I shook my head, feeling something in my light close even as I pushed him away.
“No, Balidor.”
He caught my arm. “Allie, wait––”
I jerked my arm away. “I said no, Balidor. I’m not in the market for a replacement. You’ll have to find some other way to cock fight with Revik.”
“Alyson!”
I came to a stop, hearing a desperate hurt in his voice. It was so unlike his usual tone, I closed my eyes. I felt something in me give, making my throat tighten. Covering my face with a hand, I fought my voice under control, my light. Turning, I forced myself to exhale.
“I’m sorry, ‘Dor,” I said. “That was out of line. I didn’t mean it.”
“Do not blame me for this!”
“I don’t. I really don’t.”
“Take me with you, Allie,” he said. “Please. Let me go with you.”
I stared at him, unable to believe my ears.
When his expression didn’t change, I gave a short laugh, shaking my head.
“You’re the leader of the fucking Adhipan, Balidor. You’re not really going to tell me you think they could get along without you?”
“As a bodyguard, Allie. Not a lover. Just let me help you!”
“You’re the head of the Adhipan, Balidor!”
“And you are the Bridge. Whether you want to be, or not.”
Seeing the look on his face, I felt my headache worsen. I knew he meant his words, that he would just walk away from all this, from the Adhipan and everything else. He’d probably even tell himself it was his sacred duty.
I didn’t think.
Walking to him, I threw my arms around him, enveloping him in a hug. He clasped me in return, but I felt pain on him, a kind of desperate panic in his hands and light as he pulled me against his chest. I felt anger there, too. If it was at me, Revik, or himself, I honestly didn't know.
When I started to draw away, he clutched me tighter.
I was still caressing the back of his head when I felt his light in mine. I felt him trying to weave into my light, pulling on me even as he asked me, as his heart opened to mine. When he started breathing harder, caressing my hair, kissing my face, I disentangled myself gently, pushing his light off as carefully as I did his hands.
I kissed him on the cheek, and he kissed me back, on the mouth. It turned into a real kiss as soon as I let it, and then he was crushing me in his arms. His arm circled my waist, even as his light wound into mine once more.
I didn’t let that last very long either.
Pulling away, I forced myself to hold his gaze.
“I love you, ‘Dori,” I said. “Remember that, okay?”
“Allie.” His pain hit out at me. “Don’t leave. Don’t say goodbye to me, please.”
I couldn’t hold his stare. “‘Dori, gods. Please. Please try to understand. I really can’t stay here. I know that probably doesn’t make sense to you, but––”
“It doesn’t,” he cut in, caressing my face. Stepping closer, he kissed me, pulling me back into his arms. “It doesn’t, Allie… but it doesn't matter. You don’t have to stay here. But you don’t have to go alone. You don’t have to leave all of us. I’ll go with you.”
I gave a humorless laugh. “No,” I said. “No, ‘Dori. You won’t.”
“Why, Allie? Why not?”
“Because you’re the head of the Adhipan,” I repeated. I still couldn't make myself look at him. “Please, Balidor. Don’t make this harder. Please.”
When I started to pull away, he caught my arm again.
“Allie, I love you. I really love you.” His eyes met mine, and I felt my throat close when I saw tears in them. “Please. I know you’re bonded to him, Allie. I know you are… but I want you to be with me.”
The pain in my light worsened, enough that I couldn’t answer him.
His fingers tightened on my arms. He pulled me closer to him.
“Please, Allie,” he said. “Please. I swear to the gods… it doesn’t have to be now. You can take all the time you need. All the time you want.”
I shook my head, feeling a kind of futility wash over me.
“I can’t,” I said. “I’m sorry. I wish I could, but I really can’t.”
“Why?” His pain wound back into my light, worsening as we stood there. He was pulling on me then, kissing my face. “Why, Allie? You just said you loved me.”
“I do, ‘Dori.” I bit my tongue, meeting his gaze. “I do love you. But not the way you mean.”
Seeing the look that came to his face, I bit my tongue harder. Averting my eyes, I wiped my cheek, feeling my jaw harden as I realized I’d hurt him now, too. Nothing like spreading the pain around, when I hadn’t even faced my own yet.
Disentangling my arm from his fingers, I took a step back from where he stood, my hands shaking. I couldn’t look at him at all.
“‘Bye, ‘Dor,” I said. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
I walked away from him, faster than I should have. Faster than he deserved.
That time, he didn’t try to follow me.
He wasn’t there when the truck took off for Amritsar, either.
Jon and Dorje drove me, all three of us sitting in the front seat of a rust bucket monster that seemed to claw its way down the roads as much as ride over them. I had to climb up on one of the large, all-terrain tires just to get into the cab.
We didn’t talk a whole lot on the way down, but I was shocked to see Dorje crying a few times. I figured it had to do with the Bridge thing, as much as me personally. Or maybe he just anticipated having to deal with Jon once I’d gone. Seeing Jon’s stony expression, even where he sat next to me, holding my hand, I didn’t want to ask.
I should have felt better on the plane, being away from all that.
I didn’t, even though I flew first class, which was enough of a novelty that I couldn’t help but play with all of the gadgets in my individual cubicle, ordering every manner of drink and food item I could think of on the way to Beijing. I didn’t end up eating most of it though, or drinking more than a few swallows.
I had to wonder about my disguise when I saw the limousine waiting for me on the curb outside the Beijing airport. The seer standing there looked directly at me, opening the door as soon as I left the sliding glass doors to the international terminal.
In the same set of seconds, I felt
more infiltrators behind me, and realized they’d flanked me all the way from the door of the airplane. I honestly wasn’t sure if their presence was meant to be reassuring or a veiled threat.
None of them talked to me, other than to acknowledge the forms. I climbed into the back of the car, only pausing to return the countersign for the hand sign the driver gave me.
Honestly, all I could think on the drive from the airport to the Forbidden City was that I wanted this part to be over. I couldn’t think about the Rebels really––or even Cass.
I just wanted to finish this thing, this last job as the Bridge.
I figured once I knew what Voi Pai wanted, I would just give it to her and be done with it. My guess was, she just wanted me to do this on her terms, with her holding all the cards, and at the biggest possible inconvenience to me as possible.
Mostly, she wanted me to jump when she said jump.
So I’d dance for her. I figured I didn’t have much to lose, giving her that little power hit she craved. I didn’t need any authority over her, or the Lao Hu, especially not now.
I didn’t even want it.
Really, all I wanted was to go back to being nobody.
I wanted to disappear, to be swallowed up by the faceless hum of humanity until none of these people remembered I existed.
Especially Revik.
45
LAST TO KNOW
REVIK STARED AT the folded square of paper.
He didn’t pick it up. He didn’t make a move towards the section of floor where the human dropped it, but continued to use flat naan bread to scoop up the curry he was eating. He looked up at Jon, shoving another portion into his mouth and chewing.
He swallowed the mouthful before he spoke.
“A letter?” he said. “Seriously? Where is she?”
“Just read it, Revik.”
“What’s in it?”
“How the fuck would I know?” Jon said, not looking at him.
Revik gave him a tight-lipped smile, shaking his head.
“Well, I know you’ve been talking to little sis,” he said, resting his arms on his knees as he eyed the other man narrowly. “Or you wouldn’t be so pissed off at me again.” He watched the human, studying his expression. “What did she say, Jon?”
“She didn’t say anything. Look. Read it… or don’t. I’ve got things to do.”
Revik shook his head, clicking.
Stepping on the note carefully, he pushed it away with his bare foot.
“No,” he said, picking up the curry dish and resting it on his thighs. “Tell her no, Jon. Forget it. I’m not reading a goddamned note. Tell her I want to talk to her. I want her to come back here, Jon. Now. We have things we need to discuss.”
Jon stopped in his tracks where he’d been heading for the door.
Turning, he gave Revik a disbelieving look.
“Jesus, man. You just don’t get it.”
“Don’t get what?”
“She’s gone, Revik. She left. She asked me to give you that after she left. So you get the note… or you get nothing.”
Revik stared at him, feeling his jaw harden. For a moment he wondered if the human was yanking his chain. But his face didn’t look like a lie. He looked upset.
Like she might really have left.
Fighting the anger that wanted to coil back into his light, he shook his head, clicking sharply. Still, he found himself replaying the human’s words. The longer he did, the more his anger worsened, shifting and combining with something denser, a kind of confused disbelief. He felt the food begin to turn in his stomach.
“When is she coming back?” he said.
Jon let out an incredulous laugh. Shaking his head, he turned away without answering, heading for the door with rapid strides.
“Jon!” Revik said. “Wait a minute!”
But the human didn’t turn.
Dorje waited for him by the heavy green door, and held it open for him as Jon exited through to the corridor beyond. Dorje didn’t look at him either, not directly anyway, but Revik saw the anger on the smaller seer’s face.
Frowning as it occurred to him that Jon had literally only come inside to give him the note, Revik looked down at the folded square of paper, still sitting by his foot.
After a longer pause, he stepped on it again, pulling it closer with his toes.
Holding the metal dish, he used the bread to scoop up another mouthful of curry. He ate for another handful of minutes, but his eyes never left the square of paper.
She couldn’t be gone long. She couldn’t be.
Even so, he remembered the human’s laugh. Taking another bite of coconut curry, he chewed on the chicken without tasting it.
Finally, he put down the metal plate, wiping his hands on the rag they’d given him. Reaching down, he picked up the note. He stared at it without opening it for another couple of minutes before he felt his jaw harden again.
Opening it and flattening the paper against his thighs, he began to read.
Revik, it said.
There was no other greeting. Staring at where she’d written his name, he almost felt her hesitation. Swallowing, he let his eyes return to the top of the page.
Revik,
I know a note isn’t the best way to do this. There didn’t feel like any ideal way to do this, honestly, and I felt like I should tell you a few things before I left.
He felt his jaw harden, but read on.
Firstly, in regards to your finances. You had given me access to a number of your accounts. I didn’t want you to worry about me doing anything with those without your consent, so I took the liberty of pulling my name off all of them. They let me do this at all of the banks except…
His eyes skipped ahead, skimming lines.
…where they need your signature, or some key code confirmation you set up with them personally. They said you would understand. I sent them everything they needed on my end. So you just need to talk to Jon, or Dorje. They were going to set up a terminal for you. For obvious reasons, I couldn’t do anything with your will, and I can’t yet return the property Voi Pai stole from you, but I’m going to try to get at least some of it back if I can…
Revik felt his jaw harden more. Skimming through more details around the accounts, his eyes shifted to the next paragraph.
…I also spoke to Vash, and Tarsi. They’ve agreed to help you with whatever else you might need in the way of Barrier sessions, or any light work more generally. I know this isn’t exactly freedom, to push this on you, but I got them to agree to release you once you’d gotten to a point with all this where you could handle yourself on your own––meaning, without needing any assistance from either the Seven or the Dreng.
They agreed that any work you wanted to do beyond that, you could handle on your own. Vash said he’d make himself available to you for as long as you wanted.
I asked them not to draw this out, and they promised they wouldn’t. I didn’t want you being forced into something with monks in caves again, but Vash didn’t seem to think that would help you much at this point anyway. I asked them to unchain you, too, but Balidor wants to wait until Vash and Tarsi give the okay…
“Where the fuck are you?” he growled under his breath.
As far as your people are concerned, I’m going to do what I can. I can’t promise anything, but I have some hope that Voi Pai might trade with me, if I show up in person. So I’m going to Beijing first. I’ll see if I can find out what happened to Wreg while I’m there, and send word back with Cass and Baguen…
He flipped to the back of the letter, scanned a few more lines, then returned to where he’d left off on the front. His mouth tightened until he realized he was biting the inside of his cheek, hard enough to taste blood.
“Where are you Allie?” he muttered.
If you get uncomfortable at any point in the next few weeks, tell Jon. I asked them to work on a collar that would make you difficult to locate but that doesn’t cut you off from the Barrier totall
y. It might take them a little while to work that out, but Balidor seemed to think it was doable.
Vash also agreed to help you, in terms of anything you want to do to try and address the worst effects of the bond. Anything you figure out on your own, I’d appreciate it if you could share it with them, as I will likely be in contact with them periodically for a few months at least.
He stared at the words, re-reading the last line a few times. Biting his cheek again, he forced his eyes to continue on down the page.
I know I probably don’t need to ask you this, as it’s kind of a redundant request at this point, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t come looking for me, Revik. For any reason.
You’ll probably agree we’ve both said enough at this point, in terms of apologies and explanations and accusations. We really don’t need to do it all again. I am genuinely sorry for any pain I’ve caused you, not just in these last few weeks, but since we met.
I know I’m at least partly responsible for what happened to you over these last two years, and I don’t just mean drugging you on that plane, I mean all of it.
He stared at the words. Pain started somewhere in his light, seemingly in his chest, but he forced it back.
As he did, the anger returned, sending a pulse of heat through his light.
That being said, I’m especially sorry for deceiving you while I was staying with you and the Rebels. It’s really difficult for me to sort out how I feel about some of that now, in terms of my motives and how I acted, as well as where things happened between us that felt more genuine. I realize now that I was living a fantasy there too, in a way.
I knew you had the idea of us pounded into you by Menlim. I knew it left you with a pretty mythologized idea of who we were to one another. I knew it wasn’t realistic, in terms of who I really am. I’m not angry about that, Revik, I’m really not. I guess I’ve known for awhile that things might not work out for us, once that myth held less power over you.
Shadow (Bridge & Sword: Awakenings #4): Bridge & Sword World Page 44
