“And this worried them?” Varlan asked emotionlessly.
“Yes. I do not know precisely why.”
“Yet they claim this group as allies? Claim allegiance to them, so you say?”
Chandre looked back at Varlan. “Yes. But Balidor is unsure of the truth behind this. It is possible our Eastern friends are being played… as much as those in the West appear to have been. Balidor seems to think so. He thinks they are all pawns. The Rebels. The Tiger People. He thinks there are those in Washington who are being toyed with, as well. It is creating a great deal of fear. More than that, it is puzzling to him why they would want this disease destroyed. Particularly when it seems more and more likely the same group may have had a hand in its creation. Balidor is quite relieved it was destroyed, of course, but it is puzzling.”
Varlan’s expression remained immobile.
After a moment’s thought, he shrugged. It was a human shrug.
“So we continue our journey,” he said. “And we see what we shall see.”
Chandre glanced at Rex, then at Stanley. The latter’s chiseled face looked just as grim as she felt. Returning her eyes to Varlan, she nodded, once, matter-of-fact.
“Yes, brother,” she said, gesturing subtly in respect. “I suppose we do.”
63
PISSED OFF
I SAT IN the front row of seats on the plane, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu.
It wasn’t a commercial plane. In fact, it was unmarked plane, a lot like the one I’d ridden in the last time I left Beijing with Revik and Wreg and the rest of his people.
We were brought on board first, meaning me and Jon and the others I rode with in the limousine. I sat near the front, on the far starboard side of the plane.
I didn’t think much about the seat I chose. I found myself surrounded by other seers within minutes, this time including some who had ridden in the other cars from the City. It felt like forever that I sat there trying as graciously as I could to field greetings and well-wishes, hand clasps, caresses and even kisses.
Meanwhile, my fingers gripped the seat’s armrests between waves, as if to hold me in place. My nerves rose every time it hit me that we hadn’t left yet. We were all just sitting in a plane on the tarmac of a private airport just outside of Beijing.
The fact that the engines were gearing up for take-off relaxed me only marginally.
And still, I didn’t see him.
Since that initial greeting, the other seers all drifted off to other parts of the plane, leaving me and Jon alone. Even Dorje sat behind us somewhere, talking to Jax and some of the other Rebel seers. It seemed they were all still bonding, in terms of working together, still getting to know one another. I wondered how many had been acquainted before Salinse started recruiting among the Seven’s guard and even the Adhipan.
But I couldn’t really think clearly about any of that yet.
I couldn’t really get my mind to work at all, not yet.
After a few more minutes that seemed to take hours, I watched Wreg, Balidor and Revik board the plane with Vikram and a few others.
All of them looked at me but Revik himself.
None of them stopped though, and only Balidor raised a hand in greeting, his mouth touched by a faint smile below grim eyes. They passed by that front row of seats, moving down the aisle without pausing. I could feel from the Barrier space around them that some kind of conversation continued between them as they made their way to another segment of the plane, further back and out of earshot of the front bulkhead.
I tried not to react to the silence I could feel, or the infiltrator’s mask I saw on his face as he passed. Even so, when I turned my head, I saw Jon watching him pass, too.
Once they were gone, I felt Jon’s fingers tighten on my arm.
“Go easy on him, sis,” he said softly. “He’s not ignoring you.”
I smiled at his words, but failed to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “He’s just doing his usual, bang-up job at pretending to ignore me, is that it?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
Glancing over at Jon's serious tone, I frowned, then decided not to press it.
I looked down at my hand, realizing only then that he still held it in his fingers, gripping tightly enough to whiten his knuckles.
Maybe I was in shock, I thought. That would explain the numbness. Maybe this was what shock felt like. I was about to open my mouth again, to try and change the subject, but Jon spoke before I could.
“Go talk to him, Al,” he said. “Seriously.”
There was a silence while this penetrated. Then I looked up, meeting his gaze.
“Why, Jon?”
“Because you want to,” he answered, his eyes unwavering. “And because he’s different now. And because he’s worried as hell about you, no matter what you think. He’s not ignoring you, Allie. Christ, he’s probably terrified of you.”
“Terrified of me?” I smiled. “I seriously doubt that.”
He hesitated, as if wrestling with what he was about to say next.
“Al,” he said, quieter, glancing over his shoulder. He looked back at me. “I know it’s going to sound crazy, but he’s like…”
He paused, his eyes holding a strange light, almost a kind of hope as they met mine.
“…He’s like Revik again, Al. Like how he was. He’s so much like him, it’s almost disturbing. It’s like the exact same guy almost, like how he was before. Before all…” Jon waved a hand, as if struggling with words. “…You know. The Syrimne thing.”
I frowned. My heart tightened briefly as his words sank in.
But I couldn’t go there with Jon on this. I wasn’t ready to even consider his words, much less believe in them. I was about to make a joke of some kind, anything to shift the subject, when I found myself remembering the look on Revik’s face when he’d first seen me in that audience chamber in the City.
After another pause, I shook that off, too.
“He’s not the same, Jon. He’ll never be the same as he was then. It’s impossible.”
“I know that.” Jon’s voice sounded frustrated, and when I looked at him, I realized he’d followed the shifting thoughts across my face. “But I’m telling you… he’s different. I’m not the only one who’s noticed. We’ve all talked about it. All the seers, too.”
I shook my head, feeling my jaw harden more. “It’s not possible, Jon.”
“Okay,” he said, his voice still carrying that frustration. “Fine. It’s not possible. But you should talk to him, Al. Decide for yourself, okay?”
My jaw remained hard, almost painfully so.
Then I shrugged, pulling at the fabric of the long skirt I still wore.
“I’m different too, Jon,” I said finally.
When I glanced up at him that time, his eyes looked angry.
“Bullshit,” he said.
I raised an eyebrow at him. “I see. So you’re the expert on me now, too?”
The anger in his eyes worsened. “You’re not really going to hide behind that, are you?”
“Hide?” I bit my tongue, feeling my face grow hot. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. If you want to martyr yourself, make yourself over into slave girl or whatever the fuck you let them do to you in there, go for it. But don’t expect me to buy it. I know who you are, Allie. I’ll always know who you are. And so will he… and Balidor. And Cass. And Chan. Maybe even Wreg. Just because you’re too much of a coward to face any of us for real, don’t expect us to go along with your little charade.”
I stared up at him.
I tried to be angry, to feel something about his words.
I couldn’t quite do that, either. I thought about everything that happened over the past few months, everything I’d told myself when I left them in that cave in those mountains. I thought about Gerwix. Ditrini.
But I didn’t have it in me to explain myself. I’d been doing it for months now… longer. The Sword thing, taking
Revik. The deal with Voi Pai for Salinse. Getting Nikka killed. Going to Hong Kong. What I’d let Revik do to me in that tank. The endless sessions, pushing him until both of us were near our breaking point.
Now it would be the leaving. Agreeing to Voi Pai’s conditions for letting the Rebels go.
I guess I should have expected anger about that, too. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to me I’d have to hear about it so soon.
I don’t know if I was too sick of it all to fight him, or if it just seemed pointless. I looked away, staring out the window of the plane. I don’t know what my face looked like, but he gripped my hand, hard enough to hurt.
I felt a kind of resignation fill my light.
“Do we have to do this now?” I said, still looking out the window. “Can it wait until I’ve slept?” I glanced at him, my face unmoving. “I’m tired, you know. Long day of playing slave girl. Then there was the whole starting a war thing, which kind of ruined my evening plans.”
He gripped my hand, tighter.
“Stop it,” he said. When I looked up, tears shone in his eyes, enough to make me wince. “Just stop it, okay? We love you. We all love you. Don’t you dare pretend we don’t. There’s no way we would have let you do that, if any one of us had known. I still want to kick your ass. I don’t care how noble you thought you were being.”
“I didn’t think it was noble, Jon. Jesus.”
“Bullshit. You think I don’t know what you were doing? You were trying to disappear. To erase yourself. You decided no one gave a damn about you. You found the first cross to nail yourself to, and you handed Voi Pai the hammer.”
I shook my head, clicking in irritation.
“Allie.” He shook my hand, forcing my eyes back to his. “We don’t judge you for anything you did! We were worried about you… about what you seemed willing to do to yourself in order to make him better. That whole thing with you going after him while he was with the Rebels. The thing in the tank. That’s all it was. We didn’t think you did the wrong thing, exactly. We were afraid you would both end up dead… or worse. Don’t you get that?”
I shrugged, trying to lighten my voice.
“Well, at least Tarsi and Vash were able to help him.”
“Bullshit. They said you did it, not them. They said the reason he drove you off was because you’d gotten too close to the real problem. It took Balidor going in there and nearly getting himself killed before Revik finally snapped out of it. But he was a bastard after you left, Al. I don’t think he believed you’d really leave. He accused us of lying for weeks.”
I shrugged. “I’m sure the hookers softened the blow.”
“He didn’t do that, either,” Jon said, gripping my hand tighter again. “And it wasn’t because of us. He came close to hitting me when I offered that to him…”
I looked back out the window, trying to think about this, to make it mean something to me. It did, of course––but I couldn’t feel anything about my role in it, or about whatever Revik decided about me and him after I’d gone. I could barely remember what we’d done all those weeks in the tank. I knew Jon wouldn’t lie to me deliberately, but I also knew, when it came down to it, it didn’t really matter who finally helped Revik.
It didn’t really matter how it happened at all.
“Well, I’m glad he’s all right,” I said finally. “I really am, Jon.”
I turned again, looking out the window. Then I sighed, returning my eyes to his. I squeezed his hand, tugging gently on his arm.
“Seriously. It’s okay, Jon. Really. Can we just let it go for now? I meant it about being tired.”
“Al,” he began, frustrated.
“I’m just embarrassed. I never wanted any of you to see me like that. I know this may not make total sense to you, but honestly, I thought I’d just do it, and no one would even have to know. I thought I’d be out of there before it ever got back to any of you. The initial contract didn’t seem like that big of a deal.”
“Well, you’re stupid,” he said angrily.
“I’m pretty sure we’ve established that,” I sighed. “Can you please just yell at me more later?”
But he barely seemed to hear my words.
“…and you’re cruel,” he said. “None of us deserved that. Not even him.”
I looked up at the anger in his voice. But that time, his words penetrated. My voice held a kind of blank incredulity.
“I didn’t do this to hurt him, Jon,” I said.
Jon gave a humorless laugh, shaking his head. “Yeah. Okay.”
“I didn’t!” I said, frowning. “I went there to get them free. To get Cass free! Remember Cass? I thought it was just some power play by Voi Pai, her wanting me to come in person. I wasn’t going to stay there. I didn’t intend for any of this to happen.”
“Really?” Jon said. “So what was the plan then, Al? Where were you going to go? And for that matter, how stupid are you, to not realize the craziness of going to the Lao Hu alone, given who you are?” His anger worsened, even as he gripped my hand tighter, tugging on it when I turned away. “How long are you going to pretend that you aren’t the Bridge? That you’re just some waitress chick from San Francisco who designs tattoos? You can’t just do anything you want anymore, Al! You can’t!”
“Jon,” I said, my voice warning. “Cut it out.”
“Last I checked, half the seers in the West want you dead! Were you just going to hang out until a group of them stoned you to death? Hide in the mountains somewhere, eating goat meat and living in a cave for a few hundred years, like Tarsi?”
I stared at him, unable to hide my incredulity.
“You’re pissed at me?” I said. “You’re really pissed at me for this? For trying to help Cass? For leaving when Revik told me to leave?”
“You’re damned right I’m pissed at you!” he snapped. “Jesus, Al! You didn’t just leave him… you left all of us! You could have been killed! What if we hadn’t found you before that group of seers came and took you from the Lao Hu?”
I stared at him, unable to come up with an answer to that, either.
I looked away, staring around at the rest of the cabin.
If any of the other seers heard us, I couldn’t see it on their faces. They all seemed to be talking amongst themselves.
Even so, I found myself remembering Balidor’s face when I left, and even Dorje’s. I remembered Balidor’s grim smile just now, and the look on Revik’s face as Ulai and the other Lao Hu infiltrators led me into that audience chamber in the Forbidden City.
Forcing it all out of my head, I rose to my feet, disentangling my fingers from Jon’s.
I didn’t feel guilt exactly, but I guess I figured he was right about the cowardice part.
More than anything, I was tired.
Maybe I was just hoping to get the inevitable over with.
64
RINGS
I STOOD THERE for probably a few seconds before any of them noticed me.
They sat together, the four of them, Revik between Wreg and Balidor as they and Vikram looked down at something on a screen in Revik’s lap. It occurred to me a second later that they appeared to be speaking to someone in virtual, too. I saw Revik’s lips move, in that subtle speech that was almost a subvocalization, that kept people from yelling aloud when they communicated via a network link.
I didn’t try to read his lips, or even watch his face all that closely once I knew what they were doing. I did wonder who they were talking to.
Given everything, I figured they’d catch me up at some point––or not.
Truthfully, I had no idea if I figured into their plans at all in that regard anymore. I’m not sure I cared, either. Not yet, anyway.
Balidor looked up first.
His eyes widened when he saw me standing there, at the end of the aisle. He was still looking at me when he laid a hand on Revik’s arm, likely using a pulse of light to get his attention. Revik looked at him first, his eyes showing him to be faintly startled.
I fought not to move. Part of me wanted to cover my bare belly with an arm, or maybe cross both arms over my chest. I didn’t. Instead I stood there, feeling my jaw tighten slightly.
Then Revik ripped the headset from around his ear. He did it so quickly it fell to the top of the portable monitor sitting between them, but he didn’t look away from me.
He also didn’t speak. When they all continued to stare at me, I finally averted my gaze, still holding onto a seat back on either side of the narrow row.
“Could I, uh…” I let my eyes meet Revik’s. “…Borrow you? Just for a minute.”
Feeling the silence deepen, I forced myself to hold his gaze.
“…If it’s a bad time,” I began.
“No.”
He stood, as rapidly as he’d taken off the headset.
I saw Wreg rescue the monitor before it could fall to the floor, even as he exchanged a faint smile with Balidor. Balidor was looking at my face though, his own expression unreadable. When Revik turned his body sideways to edge down the aisle, Balidor grabbed his arm briefly, stopping him.
Some communication passed between them in the Barrier.
Whatever it was, Revik waved it away, frowning silently. His returning gesture looked like something along the lines of, “I know, I know.”
I wondered what exactly Balidor had reminded him of.
I pushed that out of my mind, too.
Revik reached the end of the row of seats, looking tall to me again. Even so, I found myself studying his face briefly, just before he made a polite motion with one hand, indicating that I lead him wherever I wanted him to go.
Turning, I aimed my feet for the curtain separating the front and back compartments of the plane. I passed through the heavy material, then hesitated, looking down the rows of seats. My eyes found the odd-shaped bulkhead at the back, and I realized both sides had been curtained off in regular lengths along the windows of the main passenger cabin.
Shadow (Bridge & Sword: Awakenings #4): Bridge & Sword World Page 64
