Adventure According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  “Look at this ship, Humphrey,” she said.

  It was a picture of a lovely sailboat with a billowing white sail.

  “I like it!” I squeaked. I know that all Gail heard was SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK, but she seemed to understand.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” she asked.

  “YES-YES-YES!” I agreed.

  Gail sighed again. “Sometimes, I’d like to sail away on a ship and go far, far away,” she said.

  “To Brazil!” I said with a squeak. Maybe it was more like a shriek.

  “You could come with me,” said Gail. Then she went back to her bed and her stack of books.

  Really, Gail’s family couldn’t have been nicer to me. Great snacks, a great cage clean, no jokes about my poo. Still, I was nervous about being painted.

  You see, I’m a Golden Hamster, which means I have very beautiful, glossy golden fur. I never really wanted to be another color. Not red. Not blue. Not green. (I’m not sure there are any hamsters in those colors.)

  “Humphrey, you didn’t eat your carrots,” Mrs. Morgenstern said later that night.

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that every time I saw the carrots, I thought about being painted orange.

  Orange is a very nice color for a sweater or a book or a hat. Even for a pair of socks.

  It’s not a good color for a hamster, at least in my opinion.

  “Hi, Humphrey! Want to spin on your wheel? Go on, spin it! Want to climb your tree branch? Come on, climb!”

  It was morning and Simon was back. As much as I liked Simon, it was hard to keep up with him. Still, he was so excited about everything, I wanted to make him happy, so I hopped on my wheel.

  This time, Gail didn’t even seem to notice. She just sat on her bed, staring at the pictures of boats in books.

  “Out, out,” Mrs. Morgenstern said as she came in Gail’s room. “I’m here to paint him.”

  “Oh, Mom,” Gail groaned. “Can’t we just take a picture?”

  “Anyone can do that,” her mom answered. “This is more original.”

  “Can I paint him, too?” Simon asked. “Please?”

  Mrs. Morgenstern smiled. “Of course! We’ll all paint him.”

  Eek! If they all painted me, I’d end up looking like a rainbow and I’d probably be a soggy mess. Og wouldn’t even recognize me when I got back.

  “Okay,” said Gail, but she didn’t sound all that happy about it.

  Soon, my cage was on the Morgensterns’ kitchen table. Simon, Gail and their mom all sat around with paper and paints and stared at me. Mr. Morgenstern, who seemed like a kind and sensible man, said he had errands to do and hurried out of the house before the painting even began.

  “Okay, artists,” Mrs. Morgenstern said. “Feel free to paint Humphrey any way you like. He doesn’t even have to look like a hamster.”

  “But I’d prefer to look like a hamster,” I squeaked. “A nice Golden Hamster with lovely fur and no paint at all, thank you very much.”

  “What’s he squeaking about?” Simon asked.

  “I don’t know, but please hold still, Humphrey,” his mom told me.

  I tried to hold still, but my whiskers were quivering and my legs were shaking. I closed my eyes, waiting to feel the wet, gloppy paint on my fur. But my fur felt just fine, so after a while I opened my eyes and saw the three Morgensterns putting lots of lovely paint on paper. They weren’t painting me at all! They were painting pictures of me.

  WHEW-WHEW-WHEW! I was so relieved, I hopped on my wheel for a lovely spin.

  “Humphrey, hold still!” Gail told me.

  “Oops, sorry,” I squeaked. I jumped off the wheel and held as still as a lively hamster can. After a few minutes, though, my back leg started itching and my nose started twitching and I had a little cramp in my front paw.

  Luckily, Mrs. Morgenstern said, “Well, I think I’ve captured our little friend. How about you two?”

  She held up her painting to show Gail and Simon. I couldn’t get a good look at it, but I could see that there wasn’t anything golden about her hamster. There was yellow and blue and maybe some purple. “I think this shows the true spirit of Humphrey.”

  I didn’t have time to think about why my true spirit was yellow, blue and purple because Simon waved his picture right in my face. “Here you are, Humphrey!”

  Simon’s painting showed an orange blob with all kinds of swirly lines but no hamster that I could see.

  Mrs. Morgenstern leaned in to examine the picture closely. “That’s very interesting, Simon. Tell me about it.”

  “It’s all squiggly because he was spinning on his wheel. Like this!” Simon jumped out of his chair and began twirling in a circle.

  “Perfectly wonderful. I see his eye in the center,” said his mother. “You can stop spinning now.”

  Then she turned to Gail. “Let’s see your Humphrey.”

  Gail held up her paper that showed a perfectly wonderful picture of me! I had two ears, two eyes, two front legs and paws, two back legs and paws, some whiskers and lovely golden fur.

  “Oh,” said Gail’s mother.

  “It looks like him, doesn’t it?” asked Gail.

  Mrs. Morgenstern nodded. “Yes, it looks a lot like him. It’s just . . .”

  Gail seemed upset and not at all giggly. “What’s wrong with it?”

  “It’s fine, honey,” her mom said. “I’d just like you to paint what you feel, not just what you see. Like Simon’s picture—you can feel Humphrey’s energy, can’t you?”

  Actually, Simon’s picture made me feel a little queasy, while Gail’s picture made me feel very handsome.

  Mrs. Morgenstern patted Gail’s hand. “It’s a very good picture, Gail.”

  After her mom and brother left, Gail sat and stared at her picture for a while.

  “You’re such a pretty color, Humphrey. Why would I make you blue?” she asked.

  I didn’t have an answer, but it was time for me to squeak up! “I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE your picture!” I told her.

  I’ll never know if she understood me, because the phone rang and Gail ran off to answer it.

  The life of a pirate—ah, there be a work of art, me buckos!

  From JOLLY ROGER’S GUIDE TO LIFE,

  by I.C. Waters

  4

  A Golden Moment

  Later, Gail’s best friend, Heidi, came over and the two girls went outside to jump rope. Even in the house, I could hear them chanting:

  Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around,

  Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground,

  Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch your shoe.

  Teddy bear, teddy bear, that will do!

  Gail was giggling again, which made me feel GOOD-GOOD-GOOD.

  Then I heard Mrs. Morgenstern go outside. “Gail, maybe Heidi can help you decide how to decorate your room,” she said.

  The giggling stopped. “Later, Mom,” Gail answered.

  “That sounds like fun,” Heidi said. “Paint it pink. Pink with purple curtains and bedspread.”

  Heidi always had very definite ideas.

  “I don’t like pink,” said Gail. “I like it the way it is.”

  “We’ll talk about it later,” Mrs. Morgenstern told them. “Just think about a mural.”

  Soon the girls were jumping rope again.

  I hopped on my wheel and started spinning. Spinning always helps me think. I could tell that Gail was unhappy about changing her room. I hate to see my friends feeling unhappy, so I needed to come up with a Plan.

  On the one paw, Gail didn’t like change.

  On the other paw, her mom wanted to encourage Gail to try something new.

  So far, neither of them wanted to give in.

  I don’t know much about decorating girls’ rooms. Personally, I like to be surrounded by soft bedding and tree branches with my wheel and my sleeping hut nearby, but I didn’t think Mrs. Morgenstern would go for that.

  And I didn’t see anything wrong with Gail’s room
.

  Still, I’d been happy when Mr. Brisbane took the cage I liked and added all kinds of fun things. Maybe Gail would be happy with some changes in her room, too.

  As I whirled and twirled my wheel, I stared at the paint samples lying on Gail’s bed. Maybe there was something Gail would like if she’d only look at them.

  The sounds of Heidi and Gail jumping rope drifted in through the open window.

  Mabel, Mabel, set the table,

  Just as fast as you are able,

  Don’t forget the salt, vinegar, mustard . . . hot pepper!

  Then they counted very fast as I heard the SNAP-SNAP-SNAP of the rope hitting the ground.

  From the sound of things, they’d be jumping for a while, so I decided to take an unsqueakably big chance and check out those paint colors for myself.

  It was easy to swing open the door of my cage. My lock-that-doesn’t-lock has never let me down. The hard part of my job was getting from place to place.

  Leaping from the nightstand to the bed looked too dangerous, even for me. I’m adventurous, but I like to be safe. I also needed to get to the samples and back to my cage as fast as possible in case someone decided to check up on me. While I was thinking how hard it is for a very small hamster to get around in a human-size world, I noticed the electrical cord leading from a lamp on the nightstand to—well, I couldn’t see exactly where, but it was probably plugged in behind the bed.

  I am smart enough to know not to fool around with electricity—nibbling on that cord could be a BAD-BAD-BAD mistake—but I figured I could gently slide down the cord and leap onto the bed at just the right moment.

  I took a deep breath and grabbed the cord. It was smoother than I expected, which meant the ride down was also much faster than I expected.

  “Wheee!” I squeaked as I slid down toward the bed and let go. Plop!

  I hadn’t expected my slide down the cord to pull the lamp over on its side with a loud THUMP! Thank goodness, it didn’t break.

  I also hadn’t planned to land right on the stack of paint samples, but it was lucky that I did, because they all spread out like a beautiful rainbow before me. I never knew there were so many colors, but where to start?

  I pulled out sky blue, which was a nice color. The clouds and the sun and the trees all look pretty against the sky. Grass green was nice, too. Flowers look GREAT-GREAT-GREAT against a green backdrop. I wasn’t too fond of pink, and neither was Gail. Oh, dear, I wasn’t making much progress.

  Engine, engine number nine,

  Coming down Chicago line,

  If the train jumps off the track,

  Do you want your money back?

  At least Gail and Heidi were still busy.

  I pulled out the next sample, which was a golden-brownish-tan. Golden. I held my paw against it, and the paint exactly matched my golden fur! My fur was a beautiful color; everybody said so.

  I pulled the sample away from the others so it stood alone right in the middle of the bed.

  Just then I heard thundering footsteps and a familiar, “Hiya, Humphrey!”

  Simon was coming, and there was no way to get back to the cage before he arrived. I dived under Gail’s pillow and crossed my paws, hoping he wouldn’t find me there.

  It was dark and scary and awfully stuffy under that pillow. I could hear Simon’s muffled voice say, “Want to ride in your hamster ball? Humphrey? Hey! Humphrey! Oh, no! Humphrey!” Simon must have noticed that I wasn’t in my cage.

  Next, I heard the distant sound of footsteps leaving the room. Gasping for air, I crawled out from under the pillow and scurried across the bedspread. Oh, joy, this was my lucky day! The lamp was still lying on its side with the shade on the bed and the base on the nightstand, forming a perfect bridge. I pulled myself up on the shade, scampered across the lamp and gently dropped down on the nightstand. I made sure to close the cage door behind me before taking a dive under the bedding.

  “He’s gone, Mom. He’s not in his cage!” Simon shouted as he dragged his mother into Gail’s room. I could hear Gail and Heidi coming up behind them, making worried noises about me.

  “Calm down, everybody,” Mrs. Morgenstern said. “Let’s check out his cage.”

  Just as they were approaching, I crawled out from under my bedding, trying to look a little sleepy.

  “See, Mom, he’s gone! He’s really gone!” Simon exclaimed.

  I yawned, making sure to let out a little squeak.

  “There he is, honey,” I heard Mrs. Morgenstern saying. “He was just hiding!”

  Simon shook his head. “No, Mom. He was gone!”

  Mrs. Morgenstern noticed the lamp and picked it up. “I suppose Humphrey also knocked over the lamp. Is that right, Simon?”

  Simon looked truly puzzled. “I don’t know. It wasn’t me.”

  I felt a little guilty about tricking Simon, but a hamster’s got to do what a hamster’s got to do.

  Mrs. Morgenstern set the lamp back in place.

  “At least it isn’t broken.” She smiled and turned toward Heidi and Gail. “Let’s look at those paint colors now,” she said. “Then we can head down to the paint store.”

  Gail sighed. “Oh, Mom!”

  “How cool!” said Heidi, walking toward the bed. “Look at all these great colors.”

  “But I like blue and white.” Gail suddenly stopped and stared. “Oh, but I like that!”

  I had to strain to see Gail walk to the middle of her bed and pick up one of the paint samples. “It’s golden!” she said.

  “Yep!” I agreed. It just slipped out because I was thrilled to see Gail smile.

  “It’s golden like Humphrey,” she added.

  “It is pretty,” said Heidi. “Almost as pretty as pink.”

  “Fabulous!” said Mrs. Morgenstern. “I never would have thought of gold, but it’s brilliant! We could paint a hamster mural on the wall.”

  “Not a mural, Mom.” Gail sounded very definite.

  Mrs. Morgenstern sighed. “How about a picture of Humphrey?”

  “My picture of Humphrey?” Gail asked.

  Gail’s mom smiled and nodded. “Your picture.”

  “Yay, Humphrey!” Simon shrieked.

  “Great idea!” I agreed.

  When I squeaked, Gail giggled. That was a wonderful sound.

  “Let’s do it,” she said.

  I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Gail and her mom both seemed happy. And that made me feel HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY, too.

  Late that evening, after Heidi had left, I rolled through the kitchen in my hamster ball while Gail and her dad made popcorn, which smelled unsqueakably delicious.

  The telephone rang in the next room, and I heard Gail’s mom answer it. “Mrs. Brisbane!” she said. “So nice to hear from you!”

  I rolled toward the living room to hear what Mrs. Morgenstern was saying.

  “Sensational,” she said. “Fabulous! I love it!”

  Then she listened some more and said, “Yes. Yes. Of course!” She didn’t say anything else except, “Okay, good-bye.”

  Once she was off the phone, I rolled back to the kitchen alongside Gail’s mom.

  “What did Mrs. Brisbane want?” asked Gail.

  “It’s a surprise,” said Mrs. Morgenstern. “A very nice surprise.”

  No matter how much Gail and I protested, she wouldn’t say any more.

  As you can imagine, I was anxious to get back to Room 26 on Monday morning to see just what the nice surprise would be!

  “Og, I thought I was going to be orange and purple when I came back today, but I’m glad that I’m still golden. It’s a very good color for a hamster,” I told Og when I arrived back on Monday morning.

  “BOING!” he answered. “BOING-BOING!”

  “Of course, green is the best color for a frog,” I quickly added. I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

  He hopped up and down in his tank, twanging away. “BOING-BOING-BOING!”

  “Hold it down over there,” Mrs. Brisb
ane told us. “We’ve got to start building our boats for the contest.” She turned to the class. “I hope you all spent some time thinking about what kind of boats you’d like to make.”

  My friends all started talking at once, which is not something Mrs. Brisbane likes to hear.

  “Silence!” she said in a firm voice. “Now, I need to know which students are pairing up so I can make a list. Then I’m going to give you some time to get together and plan your boat.”

  There was a lot of hubbub, but it wasn’t long before the students were sitting in pairs, jabbering away and looking at pictures.

  When I was sure no one was looking, I slid my notebook out from my hiding place behind my mirror. I took it into my sleeping hut and stared at my boat drawing. Yep, the SS Golden Hamster was the boat for me! Of course, it was only a dream because I didn’t have a partner, much less the materials to build a boat. Not only that, my friends kept going to the library to learn more about boats, but I wasn’t invited back. (I wonder if Mrs. Wright had something to do with that.)

  Once, my friends were in the library a LONG-LONG-LONG time, and when they came back, they were all talking about some fellow named Long John Silver. I could picture someone named John who was very tall, but I’d never seen a silver human—or hamster, for that matter. Oh, and Lower-Your-Voice-A.J. kept shouting out, “Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!” in a screechy voice. And everyone else would giggle as if he’d said the funniest thing.

  I wonder if I’ll ever understand humans.

  Silver and gold be my favorite colors, me hearties! Bright, shiny silver and gold!

  From JOLLY ROGER’S GUIDE TO LIFE,

  by I.C. Waters

  5

  The Trip to Treasure Island

  My classmates weren’t the only humans acting strangely. One night, instead of saying his usual, “Never fear ’cause Aldo’s here,” our custodian threw open the door and shouted, “Ahoy there, me hearties!”