Adventure According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  Then suddenly, I heard Lower-Your-Voice-A.J.’s loud voice booming, “Humphrey Dumpty’s on that boat!”

  There was a gasp, and Mrs. Brisbane shouted, “It is Humphrey! How did he get on that boat? Kirk? Richie?”

  In the distance, I heard Kirk say, “I don’t know.” He sounded confused. “I didn’t see him.”

  “Somebody’s going to be in big trouble.” Mrs. Brisbane didn’t sound happy at all.

  If Mrs. Brisbane was right about hamsters getting wet, I was already in big trouble, but as the boat glided through the water, I felt freer than I’ve ever been. This was my greatest adventure yet, and I decided to enjoy it.

  Pillaging and plundering can be a bit wearing, but there be no better place to live than on the open sea!

  From JOLLY ROGER’S GUIDE TO LIFE,

  by I.C. Waters

  11

  All at Sea

  Ahoy, mateys!” I squeaked toward shore, even though I knew no one could hear me. Then in my best pirate voice, I added, “Arrgh!”

  My friends were cheering wildly when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something dark in the water. For an instant, I remembered a report on sharks that Art had read to the class. Eek! Then I recognized the shape of Richie’s submarine gliding through the water, heading straight for me!

  Suddenly, the submarine began to surface. Richie had said it was supposed to come up next to the boat, but it was heading directly for it. I wasn’t the only one who noticed as I heard voices, voices, everywhere!

  “It’s a submarine!”

  “Where’d that come from?”

  “Richie’s in the bushes and he has a remote control!”

  “It’s going to hit the boat!”

  EEK-EEK-EEK!

  That’s when I heard Repeat-It-Please-Richie’s voice. “What?” he asked.

  A.J.’s voice was loud and clear. “It’s going to hit the boat, and Humphrey’s on it!”

  “Humphrey?!” Richie sounded shocked.

  “Do something, Richie!” Mandy screamed.

  “I’m trying!” he shouted back.

  I could see people running around onshore, but I was hanging on for dear life and didn’t have time to pay much attention to them. Just then, the submarine hit and the sailboat tilted sharply to one side. Luckily, I managed to hang on to the bow of the boat or else I would have slid into the water to, well, certain disaster.

  I’m sure Richie didn’t mean to hit the ship. Maybe he wasn’t as good at handling a submarine as he’d thought.

  Onshore, my friends were in a panic. “Save him! Save Humphrey!” they screamed.

  “Save me!” I squeaked as the boat rocked and rolled.

  “Whose sub is it?” Mrs. Brisbane called. I’d never heard her voice so alarmed.

  “Mine,” Richie answered. “I’m backing it away.”

  SCREEEEECH! I don’t know what Mrs. Wright thought the whistle would do to help me, but she blew it over and over again.

  And then, the boat tipped all the way over on its side, the sails floating next to it in the water.

  My friends all shrieked, “Humphrey!”

  “Eeek!” I squeaked. I suddenly wished Og was around to help me out.

  I hung on to the side for dear life, but the water was getting closer and, believe me, it was too close for comfort.

  “We’re going down!” I squeaked, although I was actually the only one going down.

  I remembered Mr. Morales saying the pond was shallow, but for a hamster it would surely be DEEP-DEEP-DEEP. I tried not to think about the little sunken ship at the bottom of Mr. Fitch’s fish tank.

  I also recalled Mrs. Brisbane’s warning about hamsters getting wet. I wasn’t sure whether I could swim or not, but I didn’t want to find out.

  Just then, I saw the long periscope of Richie’s submarine right next to me. I took a deep breath and leaped across the water to grab hold of it. (All those hours of jumping on my wheel and spinning have certainly paid off.)

  “Now he’s hanging on to the periscope!” That was A.J. shouting. “Look!”

  There were cheers from the shore, but I wasn’t about to cheer until I reached dry land.

  I was clinging to the periscope for dear life when the beautiful tall ship dropped down below the edge of the water.

  Mrs. Brisbane shouted at Richie, “Can you bring him in safely?”

  “I can do it,” he answered.

  No hamster ever hung on to anything as tightly as I hung on to that periscope. The water was only inches below me. I wouldn’t have minded being a googly-eyed green frog with no fur at all, at least for a few minutes. But soon, the submarine glided toward shore.

  Without hesitation, Richie and Kirk both waded out to rescue me. They didn’t even worry about their clothes getting wet. Luckily, Mr. Morales was right. The water in Potter’s Pond was shallow—at least to humans.

  “Hurry!” said Kirk. “It’s going to sink.”

  “Okay, but watch it,” Richie replied as they approached the submarine. “We don’t want to splash water on Humphrey.”

  Richie gently plucked me off the periscope and held me in his cupped hands.

  “Sorry, Humphrey,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry.”

  I was shivering as he carefully carried me to shore and handed me to Mrs. Brisbane.

  “You’re shaking,” she said, and she was right.

  She opened the lid of a small woven basket and took out a pile of colorful ribbons. “You’ll be safe in here,” she told me. Golden-Miranda brought me a little cup of water to drink. Nice.

  “This is strictly against the rules,” Mrs. Wright insisted. “I demand an explanation!”

  “Yes, please tell us what happened, Richie,” Mrs. Brisbane said in a VERY-VERY-VERY mad voice.

  “I can’t believe Humphrey was on board,” he said. “How’d he get there?”

  That was a question only I could answer.

  “We’ll figure that out,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “But why did you sink your own ship?”

  “I didn’t mean to sink it!” Richie protested, and I believed him. “I just wanted to show Kirk I know about boats, too.”

  Mrs. Brisbane turned to Kirk. “Do you know what he means?”

  Kirk shrugged. “Um, I guess he didn’t think I let him help enough.”

  “You didn’t let me help at all!” Richie said. What he said was true.

  Mrs. Brisbane turned to Kirk again. “Why didn’t you let Richie help?”

  Kirk, who was always cracking jokes, looked very serious. “I wanted to win. I thought we had a better chance if I did the work.”

  “So whose fault was it that Humphrey almost drowned?” the teacher asked.

  Whoa! Hearing her say that made me shake and quake.

  “Mine,” Richie answered. “But I wouldn’t want anything to happen to Humphrey.”

  “It was your fault, Richie.” Mrs. Brisbane nodded. “Don’t you agree, Kirk?”

  Kirk stared at the ground and didn’t answer right away. Finally he said, “Yes, but I guess it was kind of my fault, too, because I made Richie mad. Winning wouldn’t have been worth it if something had happened to Humphrey. I’m sorry.”

  “Well, don’t apologize to me!” Mrs. Brisbane said. She sounded pretty upset.

  Kirk looked at Richie. “Sorry, Richie. I wasn’t very nice to you.”

  “I’m sorry, too.” Richie looked embarrassed. “It was a dumb idea to bring the submarine. I just was so mad.”

  “The next thing I want to know is who put Humphrey in the boat,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “But I’ll deal with that later. Right now, it’s time for our treasure hunt!”

  My classmates and I squealed with delight when Mr. Brisbane passed out treasure maps. (My guess about trea from the list was right.) He said, “Boys and girls, it’s said that the famous pirate Captain Kidd buried his treasure right here by Potter’s Pond.”

  So that’s who the captain was: Captain Kidd!

  “Follow these old maps
to find the hidden treasure,” Mr. Brisbane explained. “Remember, X marks the spot.”

  My friends set off among the paths and trees, looking for clues. I longed to join them, but I’d had enough adventures for one day, so I watched and listened.

  It wasn’t too long before I heard Mandy shout, “I found it! The X is right here!”

  There was a rush of footsteps. Mrs. Brisbane picked up my basket and said, “Come on, Humphrey. You might as well see this, too.”

  She carried me to a little clearing where Mandy, Art and Tabitha stood by an old trunk that looked just like a pirate’s treasure chest with a big X carved on top. She pushed my lid back so I could see better.

  “Should we open it?” Tabitha asked.

  They all agreed they should, but just as they tipped the lid open, one-two-three pirates leaped out of the bushes!

  My friends screamed at the sight of the strangers, who lunged at the crowd. My heart just about jumped out of my chest. I’d almost forgotten about the pirates!

  “Arrgh!” growled the first pirate.

  “Avast,” snarled the second pirate.

  The third pirate was even more menacing. “Stop right there, mateys,” he roared. “Don’t even be thinking of touching Captain Kidd’s treasure!”

  The three pirates stood in front of the treasure chest, looking SCARY-SCARY-SCARY and MEAN-MEAN-MEAN.

  The first pirate had on a bright red shirt and a bright blue sash. He had dark hair, a big gold earring and a patch over one eye.

  The second pirate wore shiny black pants, a long red coat with big gold buttons and a genuine pirate hat! (At least it looked genuine to me.) He also had big round glasses. Funny, I’d never seen a pirate with glasses before.

  The third pirate had striped pants tucked into black boots, a black tunic with a belt, a kerchief on his head and a big black mustache.

  “Landlubbers!” he shouted in a familiar voice. “Back off from me treasure or I’ll introduce ye to Davy Jones!”

  My friends screamed and backed up. But I could swear I’d seen that mustache before.

  Suddenly Richie called out, “It’s Uncle Aldo!” and the other students started to laugh and shriek.

  “It’s Aldo!” they yelled.

  Of course, it was Aldo! He’d been practicing being a pirate for weeks. He gave a jolly laugh when they recognized him.

  But what about the others? The first pirate pushed up his eye patch and we could see who he was: Principal Morales.

  “Arrgh!” he repeated, but this time he was smiling.

  My friends all squealed with laughter.

  The second pirate took off his hat and bowed before us. “Greetings,” he said, and we all realized that he was Mr. Fitch. That pirate hat in the library was his after all.

  Suddenly, these pirates didn’t seem scary at all!

  “Be ye ready to unlock the secrets of the deep?” asked Aldo as he opened the lid. Inside were mounds of yummy sandwiches and juices and cookies.

  My friends acted as if they’d never seen food before. They screamed with delight as they hurried toward the chest.

  Seth and Tabitha got there first, but as soon as they put their hands on the food, another voice rang out.

  “How dare ye touch me treasure?” This was definitely a female voice. “Stop or the lot of ye will end up asleep in the deep!”

  Everyone gasped—including me—as out of the bushes stepped a female pirate. She had on tall boots, a red skirt, big gold hoop earrings and a white top with billowy sleeves.

  Even with the pirate hat and the eye patch she wore, I could see her bouncy black curls. And I knew that voice!

  “That treasure came all the way from Brazil . . . ” she started. But my friends didn’t let her finish.

  “Ms. Mac! Ms. Mac!” they shouted with joy as they rushed forward to greet her.

  There she was: Ms. Mac, the teacher who rescued me from Pet-O-Rama, who gave me a notebook and pencil and first discovered what a handsome and smart hamster I am.

  “Ms. Mac is back!” I squeaked loudly, surprising even myself.

  Ms. Mac hurried over to my basket. “Humphrey!” she cried. “There’s the real treasure.”

  She gently scratched my back, and I had a FUNNY-FUNNY-FUNNY feeling from the wiggly tip of my nose to the squiggly tips of my toes.

  I’d had that feeling before, way back when.

  I think they call it love.

  All of my friends loved Ms. Mac and wanted to be near her. They gave her sandwiches and juice and gathered around her.

  “What do you think of our secret guest?” Mrs. Brisbane asked us.

  Ms. Mac was our secret guest! So that’s what the secret g on the list stood for!

  “Do you have to go back to Brazil?” Miranda asked.

  “No, my term ended,” Ms. Mac explained. “I’m back here to stay—if I can find a job.”

  While everyone ate, Mr. Fitch played the harmonica and Aldo and Mr. Morales danced the sailor’s hornpipe. (Aldo did a better job, but he’d had a lot of practice.)

  “Well done, me hearties!” I squeaked, but no one could hear me over the applause.

  Then Mrs. Brisbane quieted everyone down. “Don’t you think it’s time for the prizes?”

  In her hand were the ribbons she’d taken out of the basket.

  Everyone cheered when Sayeh and Miranda received blue ribbons. Even though their swan boat didn’t last, it definitely was the Most Beautiful Boat.

  But when it came to the Most Seaworthy Boat, it wasn’t so easy to decide who won.

  “Undoubtedly, the tall ship would have won,” Mr. Brisbane said. “But because of what happened, I can only award it honorable mention.” Richie and Kirk didn’t seem disappointed to receive red ribbons.

  “As for first place, we were all so busy worrying about Humphrey, no one really noticed which boat came in first. Since Seth and Tabitha’s Chinese junk and Heidi and Gail’s sailboat both made it to shore, we’re calling it a tie. You’ll all receive gold ribbons.”

  From the cheers and smiles, I could tell that no one was disappointed. Seth and Tabitha did a funny victory dance. Heidi and Gail joined in.

  Then Mrs. Morgenstern came over to congratulate the girls. “You did a great job!” she said. “I was so focused on you winning the Most Beautiful award, I didn’t think of you actually winning the race. But you did it!”

  Gail and Heidi beamed.

  “And the sail was spectacular! That white sail on the blue water—it was a classic. Gail, you were right all along. I’m very proud of you.”

  Gail and her mom hugged. Then Heidi and Gail’s mom hugged. Then Heidi and Gail hugged. I wished there was someone for me to hug, although hugging might be a little dangerous for a small hamster.

  It was almost time to get back to school. As everyone else was busy packing up, I spotted Kirk and Richie wading into the water to retrieve their tall ship, which was half submerged near the edge of the pond. Luckily, the water only came up to their knees. Sayeh and Miranda watched onshore as a few of their colorful feathers floated by. Garth and A.J. looked for their boat, too, but all they could find was the flag. Art and Mandy waded in the water, but the Viking ship was totally gone.

  On the edge of the pond, Mr. Morales cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, “If you see an old raft down there, let me know!”

  When Kirk and Richie finally pulled the remains of the tall ship out of the water, it was muddy and mucky, but they cleaned it up, working together.

  I was happy to stay in my basket on the bus ride back. I sat between Mrs. Brisbane and Ms. Mac—the best seat in the house. If I grabbed onto the inside of the basket, I could lift the top with my head just enough to see them both.

  “You certainly picked an interesting day to return,” Mrs. Brisbane said.

  “Every day is interesting for the kids in Room Twenty-six,” Ms. Mac replied.

  Mrs. Brisbane reached in her jacket and pulled out a piece of paper. “In all the excitement, I forg
ot to check my list.”

  Ms. Mac and I could both see it.

  lunches and drinks (in chest)

  treasure maps

  Captain Kidd and his motley crew

  blue, red, gold ribbons for prizes

  secret guest: Ms. Mac

  “You didn’t forget anything,” Ms. Mac said.

  Mrs. Brisbane folded up her paper. “No, but a few things happened that weren’t on the list. You know what they say: the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray.”

  The best-laid Plans of hamsters go astray, too. But that’s what makes life interesting.

  Soon, Mrs. Wright led us all in singing a boat song that was very interesting because different groups started it and ended it at different times. I squeaked up the loudest of all.

  Row, row, row your boat

  Gently down the stream.

  Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

  Life is but a dream.

  It was a fun song to sing, and I thought, maybe someday I’d like to row gently down a stream. Even though today’s trip had almost turned into a nightmare, seeing Ms. Mac again was definitely a dream come true.

  A good heart, mateys: there be the only treasure worth having!

  From JOLLY ROGER’S GUIDE TO LIFE,

  by I.C. Waters

  12

  Land Ho!

  When we got back to Room 26, I was almost too tired to squeak, but I managed to tell Og I’d had a great adventure, nearly drowned, but lived to tell the tale.

  “BOING!” At least he sounded interested.

  I didn’t get to tell him more because the bell rang for recess and my classmates streamed out of the room. The room wasn’t empty for long, though, because Mrs. Wright, Mr. Morales and Ms. Mac all joined Mrs. Brisbane in the classroom.

  “Do you have a minute, Sue?” the principal asked. He was still wearing his red shirt with the bright blue sash. He’d taken off his earring and eye patch, though.

  “Of course,” she said. “Please sit down.”

  It’s always funny to see grown-ups sitting on the kid-size chairs in the classroom. I tried to imagine them as students. Mr. Morales would be a good student with a playful streak. Mrs. Brisbane would be an excellent student, like Sayeh. Of course, Ms. Mac would be an almost perfect human, like Miranda.