It was almost seven o’clock when we hit the road. I figured we’d knock off a couple of hours before breakfast. I gulped down some water from my bottle as we drove out of Peyton. Nixon was still kind of groggy but his lips tugged into a smile as he waved goodbye to Clark’s Bar.
I’d never forget that night—Rachel with her baby bump, Josh and the dreamy way he watched her on stage, getting the entire bar to raise their hands and sing “We Are Young” with us.
“Pure epicness,” I murmured.
“What was that?”
I smiled. “Last night was epic. I had so much fun. Thanks for getting up on stage with me.”
His laughter had that morning croak to it—husky and sexy. “The things I let you drag me into.”
“Aw, come on, you had fun, didn’t you?”
“I was with you. Of course I had fun.” He winked and then started singing the chorus of “Good Time.”
I giggled and passed him my phone. I didn’t have to ask him to look up the song; he knew what I was doing and searched for the upbeat tune on Spotify. Thirty seconds later, my phone was plugged into the stereo system and we were rocking out to “Good Time,” singing the parts the way we always used to.
It was a snapshot of our past and it set the perfect tone for our day of driving.
The hours flew by. We sang, laughed, reminisced about high school, then chatted about mundane stuff turned interesting because I was talking to Nixon.
We knocked off two hours before stopping for a quick breakfast, then managed another six before stopping for a late lunch. We wanted to reach Albuquerque by the end of the day, which meant we still had another five hours to go. We probably wouldn’t get there until after nine, but Nixon had called ahead and booked us a room at a hotel near the highway.
He held the door open for me as we stepped into Big Bear Diner. It looked like a family-owned business—wooden interior, checkered tablecloths, huge meals and friendly smiles. Decent music pumped through the sound system, loud enough to be heard but quiet enough not to disrupt conversation. I instantly loved the place.
“Smell that?” I sniffed.
“Oh yeah.” Nixon wiggled his eyebrows. “So good.”
I laughed as he followed me to a big, round booth in the corner. The place was half full and the smell of bacon was rich in the air.
“I know it’s lunchtime, but I’m totally getting the big breakfast.” Nixon opened his menu the second we sat down on the squishy red leather seat.
My nose wrinkled as I browsed the glossy pages, but it didn’t take me long to settle on a club sandwich and steak fries. It was just the ticket. I also ordered a glass of Sprite. I needed the sugar kick to keep me going.
“Can’t believe you still drink soda.” Nixon snickered.
My head jerked to look at him. “And you don’t?”
“Nah. Too full of sugar.” He shrugged.
“In other words, your girlfriend won’t let you drink it anymore.”
His embarrassed smile and the way he raked his fingers through his hair told me I was right. His brown locks kind of flopped over his forehead, the lack of hair product giving it a soft, messy look. I liked it. It was way more relaxed than that slicked-back do. I bet it was his human resources office girl’s idea to make him look that snazzy, dress that fancy…and eat all healthy.
“Is she one of those size four health freaks who only eats rabbit food and exercises for like five hours a day?”
He laced his fingers together and rested them on the table, forcing a tight smile. “No, but she does like to eat healthy. And she only makes me eat that way too because she cares about me.”
He bit his lips together.
“She’s a control freak, isn’t she?”
He stared at his phone, then started spinning it on the table as he tried to deny my statement. “She… I like being looked after. It’s—”
And then his phone started ringing.
Picking it up, he saw the caller and clenched his jaw before mumbling, “I have to take this.”
He shuffled out of the booth and walked away so I couldn’t hear the conversation.
I could tell he was talking to her though…or his mother.
The look was the same.
Whoever he was talking to was ragging on him—demanding, pressuring…and he was saying all the right things because he was an expert in pleasing people.
The heavy stone in my belly rattled beneath the pent-up guilt I didn’t want to face. I’d left because I thought it was best for him, but as I sat there watching his tight expression, I had to wonder if I’d made the biggest mistake of our lives. Had I sentenced him to a life he never even wanted because I was too scared that we’d lose the fight?
I didn’t want to be the nuclear bomb that blew his family apart, knowing what they’d already lost. His father had been so damn convincing.
And Nixon had never followed me or tried to track me down. I never expected him to, but I’d still lain awake for hours murmuring wishes into the darkness, hoping he’d show up on Aunt Jessica’s doorstep.
He never did.
He got over me and moved on, scoring himself a girlfriend who was nothing like me.
I blinked and looked out the window while Nixon finished his phone call.
He returned to the table with a little sigh, then flashed me a forced smile. As much as I wanted to avoid serious conversation, I had to break my own rule and say something.
The day was supposed to be nothing but light banter and fun, but I couldn’t hold it in as his butt shuffled on the spongy seat and the muscle in his jaw worked big time. Clench, unclench, clench, unclench.
Sexy. So damn sexy.
I’m still in love with you.
That’s what I wanted to say.
But I didn’t. I went for a more subtle approach. “Are you happy?”
“What?” He frowned, his eyes still drilled on the table.
I nudged his elbow with my knuckles. “With your life. Are you happy?”
“Of course I am,” he mumbled.
“So, you want to go to Columbia, and be with this girl. What’s her name?”
“Shayna,” he whispered.
“Shayna.” I nodded. “Nice name.” Trying to keep my voice upbeat was damn hard. The word was ash in my mouth, dark and acidic. “So, she makes you happy? You’re happy with your life?”
“I just said I was! Why do you keep asking?” His eyes flashed to mine and then back down to the table. He started spinning his phone again and I licked my lips, heartsick at the fact that he was lying.
“I’d hate it if you were forced into a life you didn’t want. It’s really important that you follow your heart, and your dreams.”
His laughter was brittle as he shook his head. Scrubbing a hand down his face, he pinched his nose, obviously fighting something. I was desperate to know what he really wanted to say, but in the end he just grumbled out more bullshit.
“Life doesn’t work like that, Charlie. Not everyone’s dreams come true. There needs to be a certain amount of sense thrown into the equation. There are other people to think about, and it’s selfish to just blindly pursue what you want without considering anyone else.”
The bitterness in his tone and the dark look on his face made it clear that he was thinking I’d left him for purely selfish reasons. The thought was brutal, but what did I honestly expect? In his eyes, that was exactly what I’d done.
If only I could tell him the truth. I wanted to unleash it all, but it’d just do more damage than good. It’d turn my last four years of torture into a complete waste.
Gritting my teeth, I took in a breath and finally managed, “Not all dreams are selfish.”
“Your passion for photography took you to Montana. You quit on a college education to pursue a dream with no guarantees!”
“I quit on college so I could live a life that made me happy. I want to photograph every color that exists on this planet. I want to capture every face and every smile. And
I want to see it all through my camera lens. A college classroom wasn’t letting me do that.”
Nixon’s fingers shook as he rubbed his forehead. “Life can’t be about having fun all the time. At some point you have to grow up and live a normal life.”
“What’s normal?” I bit back. “Two-point-four kids and a house? That’s all well and good if you want that, but that can’t be my normal. My normal can’t be this strict, rigid set of rules and expectations. I want to travel, and see the world. I don’t want to be tied down, and I don’t need to be like everybody else to feel happy.”
His gaze hit mine. The look in his eyes was heart-wrenching. Those sad brown eyes. If only he could understand how badly I wanted my dreams to include him. I’d just spouted off the plans we’d come up with in that tent. Traveling, exploring, adventuring together.
But then I’d gone and left him out of the equation.
And he’d moved on like he was supposed to.
I’d convinced myself it would make him happy. He’d be better off.
But…
Oh shit. What have I done?
Chapter Fifteen
Nixon
I wanted to shut her up with intelligent rhetoric. Put her in her place with excuses about how striving for constant happiness would only lead to a restless heart. But all I could do was sit there and stare at her.
I am going to make the worst fucking lawyer in the world.
I hated myself in that moment.
She deserved to be lashed with the truth. I wanted her to hurt for how much she’d hurt me. But I couldn’t.
Because she was Charlie, and I’d always love her.
The thought of hurting her made me sick, which was why I’d forced myself to let her go. I couldn’t make her happy. What we’d had in Yosemite was just a dream.
The song ran through the back of my mind. I’d listened to it over and over when she first left. “Just a Dream” lamented with me, carried me through the end of that dark summer and into the life my parents wanted for me.
When I’d first told them about changing my plans and delaying college by a couple of years so Charlie and I could travel, they hadn’t taken it well. But I’d been prepared to fight. It was Charlie, not just some chick.
They told me to think twice about it. Galivanting off on a world adventure and simply living in the moment was reckless. What about my future? A college education? A career?
They implied that Charlie was too wild and unpredictable, that she’d let me down.
I saw the fear in their eyes. They thought Charlie was too much like Reagan, that she’d take me free-climbing and I’d fall to my death.
But they didn’t know her.
I tried to argue that she’d never do something like that to me. We were in love. She wasn’t going to hurt me or break my heart.
But then she did.
I hated that they were right, because I was so convinced they weren’t.
She was my best friend, and had become my lover. The chemistry between us was smoking hot, built on a foundation of trust and friendship. What Charlie and I had was rock-solid.
Until she smashed it to pieces without so much as an explanation.
As I stared at her across the diner table, I wanted to cry, scream, yell…do something to unleash what I’d been holding back for the last four years.
My stomach was raw with nausea and I had to smash my teeth together in order to keep it in.
Charlie’s face crumpled with regret. It was blatant; I wasn’t reading her wrong. But it only confused me.
What the hell was she regretting?
She’d gone off and made all her dreams come true.
Well, most of them. She still had the travel thing on her agenda, but if anyone was going to make it happen, it’d be her. She didn’t let life get in the way. She never had.
Wiping her finger under her nose, she gave me a pained smile while we both sat there holding it all in.
Damn, I wanted to know what was going through that brain of hers. She’d always been so open and honest with me. But that was four years ago, when we were the closest any two people could get.
I wanted to hear her admit she’d made a mistake. That she never should have left me.
But what would be the point?
I was with Shayna.
And Charlie didn’t want me. If she did, she wouldn’t have taken off like that.
She probably thought she was sparing my feelings somehow, and I needed to tell her she hadn’t. What she’d done was brutal.
“I…” Charlie’s mouth opened and closed for a second.
She’d always been allergic to conflict. Whenever someone was angry or sad, she’d go out of her way to make them smile, shift the tone to something fun.
Well, it wouldn’t work this time.
Nothing she could say or do would make this better.
She’d hurt me. She’d stolen my dreams and set me on this path.
This restless path that I so desperately wanted to love but couldn’t quite get there. This path that gave me the security I needed.
I had to keep reminding myself of that. Shayna was a good woman who’d never let me down.
Charlie was the exact opposite of that.
Looking away from her, I stared at my phone and started spinning it again. What the fuck else was I supposed to do?
“Live Life Loud” came on the radio and a movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention.
I glanced at Charlie. She was mouthing the lyrics and getting into the song. As soon as she saw me watching her, she started banging her head and rocking out on her air guitar. Blue hair splashed around her face, her exaggerated expressions tugging at me, forcing me to grin when I didn’t want to.
Entertaining me wasn’t going to solve the problem, and it pissed me off that I couldn’t resist her.
I wanted to be mad at this girl, but she made it impossible.
She was rocking out to a song that epitomized who she was. Charlie lived life loud; she made the most of everything and she’d chased her dreams to become a photographer.
What the hell was I becoming?
A lawyer.
I’d wear gray suits to work and have to shine my shoes on the weekends. I’d drive some boring car and live in some boring house in a boring suburb.
The secure, safe life my parents wanted for me. Quiet and unassuming.
The exact opposite of the kind of life Charlie Watson would lead.
Chapter Sixteen
Charlie
My head-banging made him smile, but then our meal arrived and I had to stop dancing…had to invite back the big awkward I was trying to avoid.
How did I tell him?
How did I face it all and tell myself that what I thought was an act of pure selflessness had ended up doing more damage than good?
As I nibbled on my fries, memories from that night came flooding back with choking clarity.
I should never have answered the door. I’d been getting ready to go out and meet up with Nixon. I thought he’d shown up to surprise me rather than meeting up like we’d planned.
So I opened the door.
I stupidly swung back the wood, oblivious to the fact that my life was about to be ruined.
“Mr.… Mr. Holloway.” I glanced past him to see if Nixon was waiting in the wings. No such luck. It was just me and him—the scary-ass lawyer.
“Hello, Charlotte.”
Shit. He used my actual name. It was a really bad sign.
Gripping the door, I forced a polite smile and replied in a tiny voice, “Hello.”
Smoothing a hand over his salt-and-pepper hair, he drilled me with the kind of look a prosecutor gives a guilty guy on the stand.
I swallowed, trying not to be thrown by it.
“I hope you don’t mind me popping over unannounced like this, but I need to talk with you.”
“Okay, um…” I scratched the side of my neck. My parents weren’t home, so I wasn’t about to invite
him in. Not with that look on his face.
“It won’t take long. But it’s very important that I make myself clear.”
“Clear?” My nose wrinkled. “On…what?”
His chuckle was soft but metallic, his smile hard. “Nixon told me what you two have planned. He’s very excited, already making lists of everything you need to do in order to prepare.”
I grinned. “That’s Nixon for ya.”
Mr. Holloway’s mouth flatlined. “He’s not going.”
“Excuse me?”
“If you think you’re going to pull our only living child away from us, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Shock stole my voice for a second. “I’m not… I’m not pulling him away. We—”
“Traveling for a couple years before you even attempt college? Are you insane?”
His snap made me flinch. I gripped the edge of the door and tried not to sound intimidated. “It’s not like he doesn’t plan to go at all. We’re just exploring for like a year.”
“Which will turn into two, which will turn into three and before you know it, you’re broke with no security. You don’t stay young forever, Miss Watson. And I don’t appreciate you filling my son’s mind with this trash.”
“It’s not trash. We have a plan, and I would never do anything to lead him astray.”
“Yes, yes, you say that now. But you’re eighteen. You two don’t know anything about life.”
My nostrils flared. “I think you’re being a little unfair. We may be young but we’re not stupid.”
“Your plan is stupid. I tried to tell Nixon that but he wouldn’t believe me. He’s too caught up in his excitement to listen to reason. So I’m appealing to you.”
I swallowed and tried to sound braver than I felt. “Sir, I don’t know what you want me to tell you. But Nixon and I…well, we’re together now, and we are very excited for our future.”
Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 8
