by Donna Alward
He gave the horse a nudge and cantered to the gate where she was waiting, pulling up in a cloud of dust. It had to be important if she’d come all the way out here to find him.
“What is it? What’s happened?”
She looked up at him and took off her glasses.
His stomach did a slow turn. The chocolate depths of her eyes were more worried than he’d seen them. “Is it Sam?”
His question seemed to break through and she shook her head. “No, no it’s not Sam. He’s still at day camp with the twins.” She peered up at him, hesitated, then said gently, “It’s your father, Luke.”
His father. All his energy seemed to sink to his feet, making them heavy but the rest of him oddly numb. “Is he gone?” His voice sounded flat and he had the strange thought that for just a few moments the birds had stopped singing in the underbrush.
“No. But Liz called and they want you to come.”
Relief struck, automatically followed by dread. He had known something like this was coming and had buried himself in work to avoid thinking about it. Dad was getting frailer by the day, and it had been nearly ten years since he had gone into the home—a long time for someone with his disease. Luke knew the facts. But it didn’t make it any easier.
“Okay.”
“Luke?”
He stared down at her. She was biting her lip and he watched as the plump pink flesh changed shape as her teeth worried the surface.
“You don’t look so good, Luke.”
He didn’t feel so great either.
“What can I do to help you?”
He realized that she’d walked all the way out from the house in the July heat to find him. He held out a hand. “Get on. We’ll double up going back to the house.”
“But I…I can’t get up there.”
“Sure you can. I’ll take my foot out of the stirrup. Give me your hand and swing up.”
A brief look of consternation overtook her face and he felt his annoyance grow. Was she so turned off by his presence that she couldn’t stand to touch him now? He held out his hand. “Come on, Emily. It’s the fastest way back to the house. I need to get to town.”
She put her foot in the stirrup and clasped his forearm, taking a bounce and swinging her leg over the saddle so that she was shoehorned in behind him. The stirrups were too long for her now and Luke slid the toes of his boots back through as he slid an inch forward, giving her more room. Even so, they were spooned together and he felt every shift of her body torturing him as Caribou started off at a walk.
He swallowed tightly. It had to be bad if Liz had phoned in the middle of the day.
“Where’s Sam?” It didn’t escape his notice that Sam was absent.
“Day camp, remember?”
He hadn’t remembered, and he felt a spark of panic before telling himself to exhale and relax. It had only been a momentary thing and he was distracted. He swiveled in the saddle, half turning to meet her gaze. “Right. You would never have left him alone. I know that.”
He faced front again, frowning. Emily might know about his father but she hadn’t put the other pieces together. The lists, the precise order. It was all there for a reason. Just because he’d forgotten about day camp didn’t mean anything except he had other things on his mind.
And yet there was always that little bit of doubt.
Her hand rested lightly on his ribs, an additional point of connection. What would it feel like for her to put her arms around him and hold him close? He wished he could know, but it was better if he didn’t. He knew she still didn’t understand what it all meant—to his father, to this ranch, to him. And he didn’t want to explain. Right now he just needed to get to the nursing home. To see his father, the shell of a man he remembered. To hope that it was not too late.
And maybe, just maybe…there was always the forlorn hope that his dad might even recognize him one more time.
“Hang on,” he said. And when her arms snaked around his middle, holding on, he felt his heart surge as he spurred the gelding into a canter and hastened their way home.
CHAPTER TEN
EMILY WRAPPED HER arms around Luke’s waist, feeling the steel waves of pain and resentment binding him up in one unreachable package. His strong thighs formed a frame for hers as they headed for the farmyard and barns. She wished she could be out riding with him under different circumstances. A pleasure ride, stopping beneath the shade of a poplar or walking along the irrigation canal. She wanted the Luke of last night back, even as much as that man frightened her with the force of her feelings. The man she clung to now was in pain. She knew how that felt, and she wished she could take it away, make it better for him somehow.
He slowed the horse to a walk when the barn was in view, letting Caribou cool down. Emily said nothing as she dismounted and then he hopped down beside her. Silently they worked, removing bridle and saddle and Emily slid the blanket from the gelding’s back and draped it over a rail in the tack room. He turned Caribou out into the corral and locked the gate, still saying absolutely nothing. Emily was beginning to worry. She didn’t want him going to town alone. When he was about to head for the truck, she stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“Wait. We’ll take my car.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
The clipped words were not unexpected, but they stung just the same. He had not let her in since she’d arrived at the gate so now was no different. She knew that. She also knew he needed help. Whether he realized it or not, he’d been there for her when she needed it most. She would return the favor.
“Liz is there and someone will have to pick up the kids at day camp. And you’re in no shape to drive. So shut up and this once let someone do something for you.”
She stood her ground, staring him down and watched him struggle. Didn’t he think she could see how he always took care of everyone else? She wasn’t blind. Married or not, his sisters still turned to him when they needed him. And he was there. Seeing his face when she’d told him about his dad had been all she needed. Someone had to be there for Luke.
“We’re only wasting time,” she said, quieter now, but no less sure of herself.
“We’ll take your car but I’m driving.” He gave in with a terse nod.
She could agree to that, so long as he wasn’t alone. “Give me two seconds to grab my purse and keys,” she replied, already dashing to the house. Liz had sounded tearful on the phone. Emily didn’t want to think the worst, but she was sure that that was what Luke was thinking and getting him there as soon as possible would be best for everyone.
Liz and Cait were waiting outside the nursing home, sitting on a bench surrounded by petunias and geraniums. Baby Janna was asleep, bundled in a carrier and Liz’s youngest was in a stroller, playing with a bar of brightly colored toys hooked along the top. When Luke strode up the walk, Liz rose and went to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Cait was slower getting to her feet but when she went to Luke, he opened an arm and she slid in beneath it.
Emily blinked back tears for the trio who bonded amid so much pain. In the absence of parents, Luke had been their father figure even if he’d only been a few years older. Seeing them through to adulthood must have been so difficult, but he had done what needed to be done. Emily hung back, watching Luke give his sisters a squeeze and then asking the difficult question: “How bad?”
Liz was sniffling and Cait had to answer. “He fell last night. Nothing is broken, but the doctor says…” Luke waited.
“He says it’s time for palliative care, Luke.”
Pain slashed across Luke’s face, but he stood strong. “We knew this day would come, Cait.”
“It doesn’t make it easier.”
“I know it. I want to talk to the doctor.”
Emily felt so very in the way. Luke didn’t need her. He had his sisters. This was a family problem and she wasn’t family. Still, there had to be something she could do to help. They all needed to be with their father. She stepped up and searc
hed Luke’s eyes, then Liz’s.
“I’m so sorry about your father. Is there anything I can do?”
Luke shook his head. “Thank you for asking, Emily.” He seemed to think for a minute, and then leaned over and dropped a kiss on her cheek. “You’ve already helped so much.”
Emily’s cheek burned where his lips had touched it, even if it had been an impersonal peck. She had a sudden idea and turned to Liz. “Why don’t you let me pick up the twins? Then you can stay as long as you need.”
Liz’s face relaxed and Emily felt Luke’s hand at her back, a gentle contact that told her she’d said the right thing.
“If you do, take them back to my house. Paul’s gone to Medicine Hat but he’ll be back later to take over. It would be a godsend, Emily.”
“You need to be with your father, Liz. You all do. I can take Alyssa, too. It’s no trouble. You just do what needs to be done.”
Liz gave her the house key and got the car seat out of her car while Luke wrote directions to Liz’s house on a slip of paper. When the baby was installed in the seat and buckled safely in, Luke stayed behind.
“Em, I don’t know how to thank you.” He braced a hand along the window of the open door of her car.
“It’s not necessary, Luke. I’m happy to do it. Otherwise I’d just feel helpless.”
“Helpless?”
How could she explain that Luke—and his family—had come to mean so much to her? That seeing him hurting caused her to have pain as well? They’d known each other such a short time. Her mother had always said she had a heart as big as all outdoors. It kept getting her into trouble. She felt things too deeply.
“You know, sitting around, waiting for news. At least this way I feel useful.” She looked up, discovered he was watching her with a curious expression and dropped her lashes again before she gave away too much. “You should go. See your dad and talk to the doctor. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“You’re right,” he replied, shutting the car door as she buckled her seatbelt.
She drove away, only looking in the rearview mirror once and saw Luke going through the doors with his sisters. She was glad she could help, but she would rather be with him, sitting by his side.
But he didn’t want that or else he would have asked. He hadn’t even wanted her to come along. As she turned down a quiet street, she blinked a few extra times to clear the stinging. She was glad now that she hadn’t gone downstairs last night.
She was falling in love with Luke Evans, and hearing him say he’d made a mistake would be more than she could take.
Paul and Liz returned just after seven-thirty. Emily had fed the kids and the twins were curled up with Sam on the sofa watching a movie—the girls in pink pajamas and Sam in the spare sweats and T-shirt that he’d carried in his backpack to camp. Alyssa was sweet-smelling from her bath and Emily nuzzled the baby’s neck lightly, inhaling the scent of baby lotion as she prepared an evening bottle. Caring for four had been busy, but fun. The laughter, the pandemonium—they were things that had been missing from Emily’s house, having had an only child. She had reconciled herself to knowing that the large family she’d wanted would never happen. Now she wondered if she might find a second chance someday. She had to get her life in order first, but she realized her heart was not as closed to the idea as it had once been. After her divorce, she’d been so determined never to go down that road again. Never to put Sam in the position of getting hurt. And yet here she was. And for a moment she wondered if rekindling those dreams meant she was putting her own wants ahead of the needs of her son. How did that make her any different from Rob, who had chosen his own dream ahead of his wife and son?
As she sat in a rocker and fed Alyssa, she banished the uncomfortable idea and turned her thoughts back to Luke. She couldn’t stop wondering about his father and what the doctor said. How was Luke holding up? She lifted the baby to her shoulder and began rubbing her back just as Liz and Paul drove into the yard. Em’s heart did a little rollover as they came in the back door. Liz looked so weary, even as she greeted Emily and smiled.
“Thank you, Emily, for watching the kids. It means so much that I could stay with Cait and Luke and Dad today.”
Emily’s lips curved wistfully when Alyssa put her chubby arms out for her mother and Paul went into the living room to check on the older kids. She missed the feeling of the baby’s weight on her arm, and her heart warmed when Alyssa tucked her head against her mother’s neck, utterly contented as she stuck two fingers in her mouth.
“It was no trouble. The kids had fun, I think. I just made spaghetti for supper. There are leftovers in the fridge for you and Paul if you’re hungry. I wasn’t sure if you’d have a chance to eat.”
Liz’s eyes filled with tears as her fingers stroked the baby’s hair. “Oh, Emily, you really are wonderful. I hope you don’t mind me saying… Cait and I both hope you’re here to stay more permanently.”
Emily’s heart ached. Staying meant staying with Luke and despite last night’s kiss she knew it was impossible. “My plans are still the same, Liz. But I’ll be here until the end of the summer. Hopefully things will have normalized with your father by then.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Liz said, settling Alyssa on her arm. “After last night…”
“Don’t read too much into it,” Emily replied lightly, though butterflies went through her stomach as the memory danced through her mind. “It was just a kiss.” A kiss that hadn’t been mentioned again. It was almost as if it had never happened. As if neither of the kisses had happened now that Emily thought of it. And yet, at the time they had been heart-stoppingly intimate… The way Luke looked at her, as though she was the only woman on earth. The way his fingers touched her face. She hadn’t imagined the connection between them. But they had just been caught in the moment. They had to be, for him to become so distant afterwards.
“I don’t think it was just a kiss.”
Emily needed to change the subject and while Liz and her husband were back home—together—Emily wondered about Luke. “Is Luke still at the home?” she asked, busying herself with putting the children’s dirty glasses in the dishwasher.
“Yes, he wanted to stay with Dad.”
Alone. Emily felt annoyance niggle at her. Didn’t his sisters realize that Luke needed support, too? Someone should be with him. Liz and Cait didn’t have to go through this alone—why should Luke?
He needed her. She wished she were stronger. She wished she could stay emotionally uninvolved. That was her problem—she let herself feel too deeply. Her heart twisted as she realized he’d supported her at a time she needed it most. She couldn’t turn her back on him. But there was Sam to think of, too. She wasn’t sure the care home was the place for him, not at such a time. “I’ll go pick him up,” Emily said, reaching for her purse. “Can I come back and pick up Sam later?”
The sound of laughter at a song in the movie echoed from the living room. Liz’s keen eyes watched her closely, but for once Emily didn’t care what she thought. “Why don’t you let him stay here? He can have a sleepover with the girls. We’ve got an air mattress and sleeping bag and it’ll be fun. After what you did for me today—it’s the least we can do. He can go to camp with the girls in the morning and you can pick him up after.”
It was a perfect solution. “If you’re sure…”
“Of course I’m sure. Don’t be silly.”
Emily settled everything with Sam, who was overjoyed and not the least bit apprehensive about spending the night away from her.
The evening had mellowed, losing the July glare and settling into a hazy, rosy sunset as Emily drove back to the nursing home. Inside, all was quiet. Her shoes made soft sounds on the polished floor. Dialogue from a television turned low murmured from a common room and the hushed voices of staff kept the place from feeling totally empty. She got the room number from an attendant and walked down a quiet hall. When she got to the correct room on the right she peeked around the doorway.
Luke was sitting in a chair beside the hospital bed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, the very picture of defeat. The blinds were closed and the only light came from a tiny lamp in the corner. There was no movement from the man beneath the white-and-blue sheets, but Emily could see that Luke had his father’s hand folded within his own. There were tears on Luke’s face; silent ones, leaving a broken, shining trail down his tanned cheeks, and he lifted his father’s hand to his lips and kissed it.
Emily backed out of the room and leaned back against the wall, pulling in a shaking breath as she struggled to hold on to her composure. Luke was the strong one. Luke didn’t show emotion. The man who handled everything without complaint was crying.
She closed her eyes. Everything slid into place, but it wasn’t a comfortable feeling. She had fallen in love. It was unexpected and unwanted, but it was undeniable. She had been attracted to him from the beginning—to his strength, to his kindness, to his generosity. But it was this human side of him, the part that crumbled apart with his father’s hand in his, that toppled her over the edge. Perhaps it was the sense that he had so much love to give but spent his life alone. Or perhaps it was sensing that he needed love so desperately. That he was hungry for it and would rather starve than ask for it.
Where it would lead she had no idea, nor was tonight the time to worry about it. Tonight, other things were more important. Like the fact that Luke was alone in there. His sisters had gone home to their husbands and families, but Luke had stayed. Who was there for him? To whom could he unburden himself at the end of the day? She’d told Liz the plan was the same—that she would be leaving at the end of the summer. It was still true. Luke did not return her feelings. She wouldn’t delude herself into pretending he did, or wish for what wouldn’t be. A few kisses meant little in the bigger scheme of things.
