by Ward, Susan
This contact, flesh to flesh, is everything I’ve ever dreamed of with a man. Normal and tender and intimate and kind.
His arm slips protectively around my waist as we slug through the high weeds back to the car. I can’t reconcile this wonderful man being here with me, but maybe it’s time to stop fighting it.
He opens my door. He kisses my cheek. “I want to go home, make love to you, and then finally meet Linda Cray.”
His husky voice brushes my senses like a caress. The look in his eyes melts my heart. Suddenly, I’m completely lost in my emotions for him.
I place a light kiss on his hand curled over the top of the car door.
I look up. “How do you do? I’m Linda Cray.”
“I’m Jackson Parker,” he says simply, gazing at me with his famous blue eyes shimmering, “and I am in love with you.”
Ten
Day 12…
I sit on the chaise lounge I dragged to the edge of the lawn above the cliffs and watch Jack dart in and out of the water on a surfboard.
I’ve missed an entire week of classes. Jeanette is pissed off at me and warning that the USC wants to talk me about my scholarship. And I am not troubled in the least about the mess I’m making of my life.
Right now, I am totally willing to let every part of my world crash and burn to indulge this delicious fantasy. Every minute with Jack is filled with him.
I went to sleep last night a rational girl with thoughts in my head of telling Jack I have to go home in the morning.
He roused me from sleep shortly before dawn, whispering something about glassy and the waves being good. He made love to my drowsy, warm body, and left me.
I went back to sleep afterwards, a woman in love, curled around his pillow, desperate to stay.
We are everything a couple should be and everything I’ve never experienced before with a man. I am head over heels in love with him and there are moments now that I actually believe he is in love with me.
Jack would call that progress, kiss me on the lips, and then smile.
For me, it’s a little sad and it makes me angry. Even in this very unexpectedly wonderful thing I’ve stumbled into, I can’t seem to let myself be completely happy.
I wish I knew if finding my father would at last end all the unwanted conflict in me. If I were done with Bray Cray, once and for all, would I be able to love Jack as effortlessly as he loves me?
I’m starting to get frantic and impatient for that answer. I wish I knew if Jack were looking for my father. Jack seems not the least bit inclined to discuss any of this and I don’t push from my end. We are happy.
He loves me. Jackson Parker is in love with me.
God, I love hearing it in my head, even though it still sounds strange to me.
Jack is sitting, waiting for a wave, and I smile at him even though he can’t see me. Men and their amusements. I usually find them confounding and irritating, but in every breath Jack is wonderful. Part man, part boy, but always deliciously him. And he definitely looks hot in that wetsuit.
I grab my coffee cup and wrap my fingers around it to keep them warm. He jogs out of the surf, drops his board in the sand, and sprints up those treacherous steps to me.
As he crosses the lawn, I smile. “Aren’t you afraid someone will steal your board leaving it down there?”
Jack laughs and grabs the towel draped over the back of the chair. “Not in the least. If they take it, they need it and that’s OK with me.”
I roll my eyes at his ‘60s outlook on everything. It’s easy to have a positive outlook on everything if you’ve always had money. I wonder if he knows how philosophically illogical he is.
I bite my lip to prevent the taunt. My taunts have become a part of our familiar teasing. He’s in a good mood. I don’t want to spar with him today. I just want to be nice and love him.
He sinks down on the chaise beside me, vigorously drying his hair with a towel.
I pull away from him, fighting the droplets of ocean water hitting me. “You’re wet and cold. Get away from me.”
“I’m hot and ready beneath the neoprene. Can I stay?” he teases, dropping a kiss on my nose.
I blush. “Only if you take it off.”
“Aha. A woman who thinks like me.”
He stands up, unzips it halfway, and starts pulling the sleeve from one arm.
“You’re not taking it off out here!”
Those blue eyes glow wickedly. “I would if you wanted me to, baby.”
He tries to kiss me, but I laugh and push him away. He continues undressing and my eyes round.
He smiles, shaking his head. “I’m just getting a little air. You work up a sweat out there. Besides, I already worked up a sweat with you this morning and I have other plans for us today.”
He eases it down until the top half of the suit hangs from his hips. The tanned muscles of his chest glisten with a light mist of perspiration. I lean in to put a kiss beside his navel, my senses savoring the smell and taste of him.
I rub my check against his flesh. He is warm beneath the suit. My eyes stray lower, wondering if he is ready as well, and my face colors.
He settles down beside me and folds me into his arms. “How long will it take you to shower, dress and pack? I want to get on the road early. It’s a six hour drive to San Francisco.”
My eyes widen in surprise. “San Francisco? Why are we going there today?”
His arms tighten in their hold as he drops a kiss on my head. “I found your father. He’s been living in San Francisco for twenty years. Today we are going to visit Brian Cray.”
* * *
We are both strangely quiet during the long car ride up the 101 toward San Francisco. The day is gorgeous and the ride a beautiful blend of coastline, farmland, tiny cities and nothing. The somberness in the car seems out of place.
It’s just before 6 p.m. in the evening before I catch my first glimpse of the city and the bay. I’ve never been to San Francisco before and I wish I was coming knowing for certain it would be a good thing.
For some reason, when Jack finally reached my father and mentioned he’d be stopping by this weekend, he didn’t mention it was with me. Jack made sure I knew this, though I’m not exactly sure why.
I study the hilly streets with buildings that look so different from LA, and the people who look even more different, as we go deeper into the city.
I don’t have a clue where I am or the journey that got me here. I’d probably be freaking out right now if Jack wasn’t sitting beside me.
I look over at him and smile.
Jack’s fingers close around my fingers and he touches them to his lips.
“Do you want to check into the hotel first or go directly to the studio and see your dad?” he asks.
I make a snap decision. I want to get this over with. Any more thinking and I might lose my courage.
“My dad first.”
Jack studies my face. “Are you sure? We’ve been driving for hours. It wouldn’t hurt to rest and have something to eat.”
I tense. He’s concerned for some reason. What is he trying to prepare me for?
“No. I want to do this. I’ve waited a long time to meet my dad. I don’t want to put this off.”
Jack nods and continues to drive.
Thirty minutes later, we’re parking in front of a shabby, old store type of building.
Jack springs from the car and runs around it to open my door.
“This doesn’t look very glamorous for a recording studio,” I freely tease. “I thought my dad was very high demand.”
Jack laughs. “He is.” He looks up at the city with a slight smile. “But this is San Francisco. Space anywhere you can get it.”
The entry of the shop is dark. There is no reception desk and it looks almost abandoned. We walk down a narrow hallway toward the back of the building and stop at a heavy soundproof door.
When I enter the control room, it
is silent and empty, but I can see through the glass a man is stretched out on a sofa, smoking.
I conclude they must be on break or something. Probably a dinner break.
I stare through the glass. So that’s him. He looks older than I expected him to, but then I remember Doris is older now, as well. He has dark curls and dark eyes, and bears a slight resemblance to me. The nose and the eyes yes. But the rest of me, I think must be Doris, because I don’t see myself in him in any other way.
What a strange feeling it is, to see him and be near him. I expected to feel something different. Some instant connection to confirm that we are related. I feel only a vague sense of anger and a greater sense of fear.
“Come on,” Jacks says quietly.
He takes my hand and pushes through the control room door. Brian Cray startles, opens his eyes, fixes on Jack, and springs to his feet.
“Jack,” my father says, rushing across the studio, quickly extending a hand. “You are a surprise I wasn’t expecting when you called this morning. How long are you two in the city?”
Jack’s arm tightens around my shoulder. “Just the weekend. This beautiful young woman wanted to meet you.”
Brian looks at me in a curious and nothing sort of way. He laughs. “I can’t imagine why. You’re the legend here. I’m just a drummer for hire.”
He laughs and doesn’t seem to notice that neither Jack nor I laugh with him.
“We’ve already met once,” I hear myself whisper in a thin voice that sounds weirdly far away.
Brian’s dark brows shoot up. “Really? I think you’re mistaken. I can’t imagine that I would forget your face.”
“I was seven. We bumped into each other at a store. I was with my mother. Doris.”
He stares at me. I see the moment he figures it out and the moment he pretends he doesn’t by smiling.
“Really? I’m sorry. I don’t recall. That would have been a long time ago.”
I am suddenly drowning in more truthful fact about my dad than Doris has ever shared with me.
“No. Why should you? I’m only your daughter for Christ’s sake.”
He frowns and then smiles in a falsely pleased kind of way. “Linda. Well look at you. You can’t fault me for not recognizing you. It’s been a long time and you’ve certainly grown up into a lovely young woman.” He looks at Jack. “Hasn’t she? Well, if this isn’t a mind blower. How’d the two of you hook up? Is your mom still living in Venice Beach? I always did like Doris. She’s well, I hope.”
I stare at him with my mouth slightly dropping.
Insincere, dismissive pleasantries dripping and oozing from an asshole. That’s what my dad is. This is the man who abandoned me, and whom Doris has glorified by passing the years pining over him.
Brian Cray is nothing like my mother described. He’s an asshole.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh Shit.
My heart is pounding in my chest like an iron mallet, and I’m starting to hyperventilate.
Brian Cray couldn’t care less that I am here or that I am his daughter. I don’t know what I expected at this moment, but it was never that. I never expected my father to dismiss me.
I run from the building without a word, and I don’t stop until I’m on the street. Walking in circles, shaking my hands, I try to stop the chaotic, free-falling emotion inside me.
I thought I would feel better if I could just find my dad and tell him off. But I don’t. I feel worse. Different. Like suddenly every piece of me is no longer connected, comfortable or steady.
I’ve worked three years for this moment and now that it’s here I wish I had never bothered.
I brush furiously at my tears and try to steady my shaking body. Warm hands slip over my shoulders and I am turned into Jack’s chest and he is holding me.
My fingers curl around his shirt and my body won’t stop shaking. If Jack wasn’t holding me, I’d be on the ground now.
I start to cry harder. “I want to go home. I want to leave here now.”
He kisses me gently all over my face as he brushes away my tears. “We will, baby. We’ll go home. Just calm down and let me take you there.”
* * *
We reach Santa Barbara shortly after two a.m. Jack carries me into the house, lays me on the bed, and surrounds me with his warmth and limbs.
“It will be all right, Linda,” he whispers, his lips buried into my hair. “Just rest, baby. Everything will seem better in the morning and we’ll figure out everything then.”
I turn into him, burying my face against his chest. I don’t even have tears anymore. I just need to be as close to Jack as possible and have him hold me.
Eleven
Shortly before dawn, I slip out of Jack’s arms and into the bathroom, carefully closing the door not to wake him. I am finally calm enough to call my mother.
I sink on the tile floor and reach for that silly wall mounted phone near the toilet.
It’s probably too early to call Doris. But if I wait, she might leave for the restaurant and I’ll miss her until the end of the day. The need to talk to my mother is too urgent to wait.
I reach for the receiver and punch in my mom’s number.
Two rings. Answered. Good, she’s already awake.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Linda—” I scrunch up my face. When she draws my name out loudly and long it means something has worried her about me. “—where are you? I called Jeannette and she said she didn’t know. In Santa Barbara was all she said. The school called me. They want to talk to you about your scholarship. What kind of trouble are you in this time?”
I fight back the urge to cry. “No trouble, Mom. I’m OK. I’ll be home today. I’ll fix things with school. You don’t have to worry. I just needed to take care of something.”
A long exhale of breath.
“OK, huh?” A pause. She smacks her lips the way she does when she’s not buying anything I say. “Aha. You’re OK, you’ve been MIA for nearly two weeks, and your education is just about in the crapper. But I’m supposed to believe that something isn’t wrong. Why do I suspected there’s a guy involved in this?”
“Because you know me,” I tease hopefully.
I scrunch up my face. Doris is upset. I shouldn’t be making wisecracks.
“Linda, Linda, Linda. What am I going to do with you?”
I start to cry. “Just love me, Mom.”
A longer silence.
“Linda, what’s wrong?” Doris says now her voice more soothing. “Why is my girl crying? You never cry.”
I sniff. “It’s nothing, Mom. Hey, I’m going to stop in Reseda on my way back to school. Do you think you could get off early and be there?”
“Why, Linda? What’s wrong?”
I rub my nose against my dripping nose. “Nothing, Mom. I just need to see you. Have I ever told you you’re a pretty great mom?”
Doris laughs, half in amusement, half in frustration.
“Nope. Can’t say that you have. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
“Around three?”
“I’ll try. I’ve got to run. I’m going to be late for work. I’m opening the restaurant today.”
“OK, Mom. Bye.”
I set down the receiver and return it to the wall. I lean my head back to stare at the skylight over me.
I climb slowly to my feet and pause at the sink to splash water in my face. I stare at myself in the mirror.
It’s time to go home. There are things I need to take care of with my mother. Jack’s daughter is returning tomorrow. He has things to take care of with her as well.
I pat my face dry with a towel and grab a tissue from the box to blow my nose. I toss it into the pretty crystal shell waste can.
I re-enter the bedroom and Jack is awake. He looks at me, smiles touching both his lips and eyes.
Before he can speak, I say, “How long do you think it will take to get a car and driver he
re? I need to go back to Reseda.”
I sink to the floor on my knees and start to grab my clothes from the chair to shove them into my shopping bag.
“Linda, what are you doing?’
I can’t look at him. “It’s time for me leave. Your daughter comes home tomorrow. I have to get back to school. We had fun, but now it’s time I move on.”
I listen to his movements behind me. He doesn’t come to me. He’s sitting on the bed.
“No, baby. There is no reason for you to leave. What are you thinking? How could you want to go?”
I don’t want to go! As perfect as we are together it is not our time. Right man. Wrong time. Wrong for me. Wrong for him, only he can’t see it, and that’s one of the reasons I am so desperately in love with him.
“I can’t just run off. I’ve got my mother. My education. I graduate in spring.”
I stand up and push the hair from my face.
I look at him.
“Please call me a car, Jack. Don’t make this harder than it is for me.”
The perfect lines of his face stiffen. “I’ll call, Linda. But we are going to talk this out. We are not over and I don’t want you to leave.”
I nod. I don’t want this to be the end of us forever. It may be the wrong time, but I am far from ready to let him go.
I grab an outfit to wear today.
“Would you mind if I took a long bath in your fancy tub?”
I don’t wait for him to answer. I dart back into the bathroom and lock the door between us.
* * *
There is a knock on the door.
“The car is here, Linda, but I expect you to come out and talk to me before you try to leave.”
I stare at my reflection in the full wall mirror. I’ve been dressed for over an hour. I can’t hide in here forever.
Jack is sitting on the foot of the bed facing me when I exit the bathroom.
“You’ve been very kind,” I whisper. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”
His magnificent blue eyes lock on me.
“Stay.”
I struggle to hold back the tears.
“I can’t stay. I need to go back to LA, have a heart-to-heart with my mother, and then figure out how to save my scholarship.”
