by Ward, Susan
I lean into him and his mouth lowers to mine. The taste of him runs through me, and my lips soften, molding into his, meeting the play of his tongue and the gentle give and take that is him. I feel his hands moving in a glide up and down my back, stirring my senses with just the lightest touch of his fingertips. The touch of him is intoxicating no matter how he touches me.
When he pulls back, I’m breathless. “That was not a good idea. I don’t want you to go now.”
Jack laughs and touches his nose to mine. “I better go. Another kiss like that and I’ll stay.”
I stare at him with what I know are happy and shamelessly glowing eyes. “Not the worst idea I’ve ever heard, but probably not good for the team.”
He runs a hand through his golden waves and checks the clock. “I don’t know how long this will take today. If Walter is being difficult I may never return.” He makes a harsh laugh and then his eyes grow soft and serious again. “I hate leaving you for even a little while after being so long without you.”
“I’ll be here when you get back,” I promise.
He stands and I follow him with my gaze. As he moves around the room, collecting his keys and wallet, there is something about his posture that tells me he is extremely troubled by this meeting. He looks uneasy and restless and disoriented in a way I’ve never seen before.
He stops at the door and turns back to face me. “I may be late. If it’s not good, Linda, I’m going to swing by the school afterward and spend some time with my girl. Chrissie keeps me focused. On track and working the steps when things get tough. Sobriety is a daily fight for me, sweetheart. Some days more than others. I could be late.”
I nod, fighting back fast-rising tears because I don’t want Jack to see me cry. He’s emotionally vulnerable enough without me adding to it.
“Don’t worry about me, Jack. You take care of you. That’s what I need you to do today. You are my everything. Whatever happens, you take care of you.”
Eleven
It’s amazing how slowly the minutes pass when waiting for news. Six hours, no call from Jack. My anxiety builds and instinct warns me that something is wrong. If the negotiations with Walter were going well Jack would have called me by now. Good news he would want to share with me first before going to see Chrissie.
With an arm, I brush back my sweat-limp bangs and then pull another clump of weeds from a terracotta planter. Thank God the area around the pool is cluttered with flower and herb pots definitely in need of tending. It’s surprisingly hard in Jack’s world to invent projects to do to keep my mind off my worries.
I jerk a clump of weeds from the potted geraniums and toss it onto the pile beside me. On my knees I edge to the next group of plants—herbs, I think, or maybe all weeds. I can’t really tell for sure.
The sound of the patio door opening sends relief coursing through me. I take off my work gloves and whirl toward the house.
My face falls and my heart drops to my knees.
“Hello, Linda.”
Walter. What the hell is he doing here? And how does he know who I am?
I look past him to see if Jack is anywhere in sight, but no, Walter is alone. I don’t even see Maria through the glass into the kitchen.
Amusement flashes in his eyes. Apprehension pulls me from my stupor. I arch a brow. “Aha. Walter.”
“How nice to finally meet you.” The way he says that puts my nerves even more on edge.
I discard any pretense at politeness. “What are you doing here?”
He settles in a chair and sets some sort of file onto the table. It’s heavy enough to make a loud thump against the iron surface.
Walter stares at me expectantly. “Why don’t you join me, Linda? I think it’s time we discussed a few things.”
“I don’t want to discuss anything with you.” I watch nervously as he starts pulling papers out of the folder and neatly arranging them in front of him on the table. “Does Jack know you’re here?”
Walter looks up, amused. “No. I’m sure he’s with Chrissie.”
The way he says that makes anxiety flood my digestive tract. Crap, things must have gone badly for Jack. I make a show of purposely not rushing to join him. I slowly set down the pruning scissors before I join him at the table.
I sink down on the chair across from him, but I don’t pull it close to the table. Something tells me I don’t want to see whatever is written on those papers that so fascinate him.
“Why don’t you say whatever you have to say and then leave?”
His intense brown eyes fix on me. “There’s no reason to be hostile. I think you’ll understand me, that we’ll reach an agreement faster, than I can with Jack. It’s clear we all want what’s best for Chrissie. Even you.”
I fight to keep my reaction from my face. Even me? What the hell does Walter know about me?
I meet him stare for stare. “Jack is a loving father. A wonderful man, and what you’re doing is wrong. You know it and I know it, and I don’t think beyond that we’ll agree on anything.”
He sits back in his chair. “You’re an interesting woman, Linda. This isn’t personal. If it was, I would have thrown my discovery into the court action and let the judge decide if you’d be a proper influence in my granddaughter’s life. Instead, I’m here, discussing with you what’s best for everyone.”
He starts shoving photos across the table, putting them in front of me so I have no choice but to see them. I cringe. Fuck, where the hell did that miserable old man get these? Some of them are several years old. Almost all of the photos I don’t remember being taken.
Me at parties. Me doing the LA music scene. Me with men…I close my eyes, wishing I’d never looked…me doing things with men. Oh God, where did these come from and how did Walter get them?
I lift my chin, meeting his watching gaze. “Aha. You’ve been busy.”
“I make it a point of knowing everything about everyone in my granddaughter’s world.”
My anger spikes. “I’m not in Chrissie’s world.”
His eyes flash. “Not yet. But I know Jack. If he’s been seeing you for a year it’s not a casual thing. And you are not the kind of person I want helping to raise Chrissie.”
My stomach turns. Helping to raise Chrissie. Strange, I never thought of it that way, the full implications of trying to make a life with Jack. And the way Walter says that pricks at something deep inside me, making that sound as wrong to me as the way he says it.
“What the fuck do you want?” I snap.
He laughs. “You’re direct. I like that. See, I knew we’d manage well in this.” He starts rummaging through papers and my muscles grow tauter. “I have nothing against you. What you do with your life is your own affair. No judgements here. You have a past.” He arches a brow insultingly. “A colorful past. You’re young. You’re beautiful. Not surprising, but something that an impressionable ten-year-old shouldn’t be exposed to. Don’t you agree?”
Direct hit. I was wrong not to run into the house the moment I saw Walter standing there. He is ruthless. No wonder this has been such torture for Jack. I was wrong in my assumptions. He is a mean, vindictive, bitter old man, and it’s blinded him from seeing the situation clearly. That Jack is a wonderful father and that all little girls who have such a loving father are lucky. In the end, they’ll grow up happy and all right if no one messes with that relationship.
The little girl inside me who never knew her father begins to ache, and with that ache comes worry. What if Walter uses this against Jack to take Chrissie away?
I fight to keep my limbs from shaking. I don’t want this hideous old man to know how much he’s hurt me.
“What is it you want from me, Walter?”
“I want you out of Jack’s life permanently.” He says it simply. “The psychologist’s report. It isn’t good. I’ve struggled with what is the right thing to do. Chrissie is a deeply troubled girl, but the one thing everyone agrees on is that losing ano
ther person she loves would be the worst possible conclusion. I can win this court action, but I don’t want to. I love my granddaughter. I don’t want to hurt her. I just want Jack to see realistically the issue here.”
I shake my head. “Then you’re going about it wrong. You’re hurting everyone, Walter.”
“I’m going about it the only way left to me,” he counters fiercely. “Jack doesn’t listen. He sees what he wants to see. Sammy…” His voice trails off.
I tense. “What do you mean Sammy?”
“The boy had issues,” he answers through gritted teeth. “Everyone could see he was out of control. And Jack didn’t do a damn thing. It’s his fault that Sammy is dead.”
Fury makes me shoot forward in my chair, bringing my face close to his. “You can’t blame Jack for that. It wasn’t his fault. You said it yourself: Sammy had issues. I knew Sammy. No one was going to stop him. He was out of control on drugs. Drugs killed Sammy. You can’t blame Jack for that. It tears at him every day. The loss of his son.”
“Guilt and regret will do that,” he says icily. “He should have done something. Not let the boy spin out of control. And now he’s making the same mistakes with Chrissie. I can’t let that happen a second time.”
My brows crinkle and my eyes narrow. “Is this why you’re doing this? You blame Jack for Sam’s death? The kid OD’d. He was an addict. How dare you blame Jack for that?”
Walter ignores that and starts gathering up papers. “I’ve been assured by my attorneys that if we use this in court I’ll win. No judge would want to place a troubled young girl in the care of a woman like you. Especially with a father who doesn’t always have the best judgement.”
Woman like me. I can’t even think of anything to say to refute that point. We both know what I’ve been, and while I’m a different woman today, since loving Jack, my past is like a stain that will never go away. Even marrying Jack won’t cleanse me in most people’s eyes.
Reality is sitting across the table from me, and it is a devastating thing to see. Painful, but the truth.
I stare at a vacant spot in the yard, trying to compose my emotions so I can speak without letting him know how he’s hurt me.
Such a pretty, perfect world here, and it was so close to being my home. But the ugly hides behind the perfect here, just as it has always done in my less than beautiful world. And you can’t pretend it away, even if you want to. Not when it’s sitting across a table from you.
“How lucky she is,” I whisper, without intending to.
Walter’s face snaps up. “Excuse me?”
I smile sadly. “Chrissie. How lucky she is to have so many people love her so much they are willing to rip each other apart for her. You. Jack. Even me.”
His features tighten in an unpleasant way. “That little girl is far from lucky. She’s been through hell. I intend to see that change.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want you to go, far away, and never come back. I’ve decided to drop the case against Jack. After reading that report it’s the only thing I can do for Chrissie. Leave her with her father. The best of a bad hand of options. But since my investigators found out about you, it’s been something I’ve been reluctant to do.” His eyes lock on me like a hawk. “I don’t want her back in this house with Jack if you’re here.”
Cruel. So cruel. How does a man grow cruel enough to say such a thing to a woman he doesn’t even know?
“You’ll break Jack’s heart. You will break mine if you force me to do this.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure a way to make the blow of your leaving hurt less for Jack.”
Figure a way…the bile rises in my throat in reflex to how he says that.
“And if I leave you’ll stop everything? Drop the case?”
He closes his file. “As long as you stay away and never come back.”
I feel like I’m about to disintegrate. My world has just crashed around me.
I stand up. “Consider me gone. If you drop the case I’ll never return. You have my word. Just leave Jack alone. Now go away. I don’t ever want to see your face again.”
I rush into the house and slam the door. My tears let loose before I’ve reached the bedroom.
~~~
I’ve been sitting on my packed bags for hours. The tears finally ended twenty minutes ago. I’m in a brief moment of emotional calm. Or maybe it’s numbness. I’m not sure which.
I check the clock. Six p.m. Damn it, Jack, come home so I can get through this and out of here before my will dissolves and I make the wrong decision for all of us.
It is a savagely painful thing to do the loving thing for the person you love most. The right thing for Jack. The right thing for Chrissie. The wrong thing for me and the only thing I can do. A true act of love. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that to love this way could be such a heartless thing?
I love Jack more than I love myself. The way people should love, but it is not going to do a damn thing good for either of us.
Crap, another tear. I brush it away. The front door opens and closes and my body jerks. I quickly call the car service for a pickup, and then wait for Jack as I fight to steady myself.
Jack enters the bedroom. His eyes go wide and he halts mid-step.
“Linda, what’s going on? Why are you packed?” he says in alarm.
He looks ragged and tense, like he’s already had a hell of a day, and now this. My heart shatters within my chest.
I stand up. “It’s time for me to go. I’m leaving.”
His brilliant blue eyes start to flash with confusion and panic. “I don’t understand. We’re getting married, Linda. It’s decided. What do you mean you’re leaving?”
I look away. I can’t meet his gaze. “I can’t stay with you, Jack. It’s a marvelous dream, but that’s all it is. I can’t live this life.” I sink my teeth into my lower lip. The words are painful to say, and I force myself to continue in my carefully constructed speech. “I’m twenty-two years old. This isn’t the life I want. I haven’t even lived yet, Jack, and you want me to marry you and move in here with you and your daughter. I can’t do that. I’m not ready for that.”
He stops me from gathering my things. He takes my forearms in his hands. He anxiously searches my face.
“You were ready this morning. Damn it, Linda. What’s happening here?”
I place my hand on his cheek. The feel of him runs through my veins, glorious and agonizing. “You’re going to get your daughter back. You are going to raise her. And I don’t want to be a part of it. I’m leaving. For good this time. Don’t call. I don’t want to hear from you. We’re over. That’s what’s happening here.”
He stares at me, not saying anything, and if I could die in this moment I would will myself to. I shut my eyes, unable to look any longer at how he’s staring at me. I know that if I live a thousand years I will never forget Jack’s expression at this moment.
His brilliant blue eyes are filled with twisted bands of confusion, hurt, shock and love, even after what I just said, love is there, still shining in his gaze for me.
Twelve
Two months later
I step into my mother’s condo and dump my purse and keys on the entry table. I kick off my shoes.
Doris exits the kitchen. “Bad day, dear?”
I laugh. My mother is a master at the art of the understatement. “Bad would be an improvement. Five interviews. Five strikeouts. I’ll never find a job.”
She pouts. “Be patient. These things take time, and you can always stay here with me as long as you need to, Linda.”
I arch a brow. “That’s not a cheery thought. You shouldn’t have to live with your mother after you’ve graduated college. I should be able to find a job and get on my feet.”
She nods, and then her expression changes in that way she has when she’s suddenly remembered something. She rushes back into the kitchen and comes out holding a letter.
She smiles. “You have mail. Maybe it’s good news.”
I take the envelope and my heart drops to my knees. Another one. I won’t talk to Jack by phone. If I do I’ll spill the beans about Walter, tell everything and run back to him. But he still sends the letters.
I go to the fridge, pour a glass of wine, and then go into my bedroom for privacy. I carefully ease open the flap of the envelope. I want it perfect when I tuck the note back in to put in my keep-forever drawer.
The tears come and I sniff them back. A simple note, but then Jack can say more with a few words than most men could with a dictionary full. Please call. I love you. Two lines, but I hear his voice in my head as I read them and their effect is devastating.
The urge to call him is overwhelming. Every day it gets harder to hold myself from him. But I can’t go back. Walter kept his word. He dropped the case against Jack. I don’t doubt if I went back, Walter would keep his word a second time and start legal action again.
It’s better for them all that I stay away—Walter was right about one thing. Chrissie deserves a better stepmother than me—but my heart is dead in my chest and I don’t know how I’ll make it another day without Jack. It’s too hard. I love him. I miss him. Even knowing it’s all worked out as it should hasn’t made this one ounce easier.
The phone rings and I tense. Oh crap, not a call from Jack. Not now. I won’t have the strength to do what I must if I speak with him.
Doris knocks on my door and I cross the room to open it.
“It’s for you, Linda.”
Her hand is covering the receiver. “Who is it, Mom?”
“That cute guy you used to work for. Sandy Harris.”
Curiosity replaces the anxiety in my veins. Why the hell would he be calling me? I didn’t exactly quit my job in a professional way.
I take the phone, close the door, and sink down to sit on my bed. I inhale deeply to compose myself.
“Well hello, Sandy Harris. How the hell are you? I didn’t expect to ever hear from you again.”
