by Ward, Susan
As I switched on the light in the living room, Patty said, “Is everything all right, Jack?”
I smiled. “Everything’s great, Patty. You girls going to be OK sleeping in the living room?”
“We’ve slept in worse places,” Patty teased.
I laughed tiredly. “I don’t want to know because then I’ll feel like I have to tell Georgie.”
Patty shrugged. “Why? It’s not like we’re married.”
She didn’t see how my expression changed. She was already busy arranging blankets and pillows on the floor.
“I should call it a night,” I said.
I headed down toward my bedroom, taking care to be quiet as I entered. Without switching on the light, I undressed, tossing my clothes in a chair.
It wasn’t until I slipped beneath the blankets and curled into Lena that I heard her sobbing.
I switched on a light and leaned up on an arm so I could see her face. “Doll, what’s wrong?”
She curled into me and let go of her tears. “I know you’re not happy, Jack. But I want this baby. I really do, even if you don’t. I know it will make things harder for both of us. But I don’t regret it, even though it means I can’t accept Yuri’s offer to be first chair next fall when he’s guest conducting in Europe.”
“What? Yuri offered you a chair?”
She nodded, her face tightening with emotion. “Yes, last week, but I told him I couldn’t accept it.”
She melted into my chest and I closed my arms around her. “Oh God, Lena, I’m sorry.”
And I was. It was what she wanted most—to perform again. There were times she thought I knew nothing about when she begged Yuri to find her something. And it just wasn’t right that I’d taken this from her.
“It doesn’t matter, Jack. You’re the most important thing to me, and I think it’s better that I’m staying here and not going.”
I kissed her cheeks. “I would have hated it if you left.”
“I would hate not being with you.”
I turned her beneath me, and as slowly and gently as I could, I made love to her. Later, as we lay wrapped in each other’s arms, I was happy about the baby. Not because I wanted or was ready for another child, but because it kept her from leaving.
Twenty-Three
Six months later, I was burning the candle at both ends and feeling it. After Lena told me she was pregnant, I started doing side gigs on the folk rock circuit with Reggie, even though it meant hardly ever being home and pretty much never going to class.
Reggie’s band had broken up, and he’d come to me and said let’s do it, so we formed a duo, Parker and Dun, and hit every venue we could on the eastern seaboard.
Liam was pissed when he found out, but he never told me to quit because he knew I was doing it because Lena was pregnant. But later, I was still performing with Reggie even though Lena had lost the baby in her fourth month.
I should have quit—it was causing problems with both Lena and Liam—I don’t know why I didn’t, or rather that’s what I told myself back then.
The truth was I liked the freedom of being away from both home and the guys in Still Light. Lena was so sad after the miscarriage, and I didn’t know what to do for her. Liam was always disapproving of me during this time because in his opinion I should have done something.
It was easier to be around Reggie. He had no expectations of me and everyone else in my life had too many. His circle of friends and the folk crowd were like him. They talked about things other than their lives, believed they mattered in American society, and thought music was as important as any of their causes.
At Harvard, Reggie had fallen in with the same sort of crowd Patty had at Barnard, and through their social activities they’d become good friends. They were both members of the Student Peace Union and they were alike, believing in things rather than focusing on themselves. They both had privileged backgrounds, Ivy League educations, and were a couple of bored kids feeling discontented and not knowing why.
If I’d had time to think about anything but how to make the rent, maybe I would have been like them at that point, too, but I wasn’t. I was just somewhere where it was easier for me to be.
Liam thought Reggie was an ass for his pious political beliefs and his rants on the need for change in the country. I had no opinion beyond that it was just how Reggie was. Worse, I told myself the same thing even after I found out he was fucking Patty behind Georgie’s back. It’s funny what you can rationalize when you don’t want to go home to stay tight with friends who won’t send you there.
Liam and Reggie were like the voices of good and evil in my head, both were waging war for Jack, and the voice of Lena, one I rarely understood, I could hardly hear.
Even when I could hear Lena, oftentimes I didn’t hear her clearly. I sure missed what it was that made her so dislike my staying close friends with Patty. I’d discounted it as jealousy, and since she had nothing to be jealous of, I dismissed it. But it wasn’t that. It was more, those mysterious parts of my goddess I hadn’t invested the time to understand better.
Maybe if I had, I could have fixed everything and we wouldn’t have fallen apart from a series of events unrelated to me.
Well, I thought unrelated at the time they happened.
I know better now.
If a man commits to loving a woman, he should know how to love her for who she is. He should never make the mistake of believing she was like him simply because they shared a bed, a child, or a marriage.
Things had started to unravel for us as far back as August ’62, but I didn’t know it then.
I’d made nationwide news for the second time since leaving home for Harvard by attending an anti-Vietnam rally in midtown Manhattan. I hadn’t planned to be there, but had tagged along with Patty to watch over her as Georgie asked me to. I’d crashed at her place the night before after a gig instead of driving back to Cambridge. I wasn’t a member of the Workers World Party, and because I didn’t have time to pay attention to the news and was too tired to listen in class ever, I didn’t know squat about what they were protesting.
I’d bitten off one of my trademark in-the-moment replies when some member of the press had asked me why I was part of the protest. The honest answer was I was there because Georgie asked me. The answer I gave was an incoherent stream of things I’d remembered Patty saying about US advisors being there, that there had been no vote in Congress to authorize a military action, and US soldiers were dying there.
It came off as a slap in the face to my father and my country so, of course, it was news.
When I got home the next night, my hours in Manhattan were the farthest thing from my mind. I’d hurried up the front steps, excited to be home, and ran headfirst into Lena’s temper.
She was curled in her chair in a posture I knew well, the newspapers scattered across the coffee table.
“There’s my favorite girl,” I said quickly, smiling and kissing her even though I knew I was in for it.
She jerked away from me. “Don’t favorite girl me, Jack. How could you do this?”
I smiled. “Do what? Kiss my wife? Can’t do anything else, doll, when I see you. I missed you the last two days and I’m really ready to be home with you.”
I tried to kiss her again but she held me back, features taut. Pretending I didn’t understand why she was upset was a stupid move since the morning papers were there staring up at me, but I really was happy to be home and I didn’t want it starting with an argument.
I sank down on the table in front of her. “It’s no big deal, Lena. Why do you want to fight over this?”
“Because it’s a very big deal, Jack. You do things without thinking them through, and the things you do, they affect us both.”
She sounded like my father then, and I didn’t like it.
“Fuck, Lena, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. It was just a bunch of students speaking out about nothing anyone is ever going
to listen to anyway. You know why I was there. I was just being a good friend to Georgie, looking out for his girl.”
Her eyes flashed. “How about being a good husband to me? Or is it more important to run around with Patty, shooting off your mouth, kicking dirt in your father’s face, and frightening me?”
I let the part about my father go and stood up. “I am a good husband. I’m working as hard as I can for the both of us, and you want to fight over something no one is even going to remember.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Everything in the newspaper lives forever. I will never get to perform again because of Gustavo, and it seems marrying you is only going to confirm in people’s minds I’m a communist and I won’t ever be forgiven for loving him. Not even by loving you.”
It felt like fragments in my head crashed together, joining too quickly, forcing me to see things I didn’t want to see. The pain in my head reached all the way to my heart.
“Is that why you married me? Not because of Sammy or because you love me, but because you thought marrying a senator’s son would get you off some imaginary blacklist?”
“I married you because I love you, you foolish man. And the imaginary blacklist is very real. You can’t be that naïve, Jack. Friendships have consequences. Words have consequences. Actions have consequences that stay with someone forever.”
I missed the larger picture and honed in on the smaller one. I was too angry to think clearly or check my words.
“Is that how you see me and our son—a consequence forever for you?”
I didn’t note the squaring of her shoulders and the lift of her chin. “How could you ask me that? I’m not talking about you and Samuel. The two of you are everything that matters in this world to me. You are my heart.”
“Then why are you angry at me?”
“Because you do things that hurt us, and you do them without thinking.”
I pointed at the papers. “This has nothing to do with us.”
She brushed at the wetness on her cheeks. “It has everything to do with us. People will think you say these things because of me. I won’t ever be forgiven for my past if you continue this, and it’s dangerous to you.”
Frustrated, I raked a hand through my hair. “I’m not political, Lena. You know that.”
She sniffed and nodded. “And I don’t want to bury a second man I love. I don’t want you to change. Not ever. You’re perfect how you are for me.”
“I’m not changing. I’m the guy who loves Lena. That’s the only thing I am.”
I tried again, unsuccessfully, to hug her.
“Then stop this now,” she replied, “or you can’t be with me.”
She ran into the bedroom and locked the door, a clear sign I was on the couch tonight. I sat down to regroup, but like hell was I sleeping here.
I gave her twenty minutes or so to calm down, and then I went to the bedroom and quietly knocked.
“Lena, unlock the door. I love you. You’re everything that matters in this world to me.”
“I love you, too, Jack.”
Christ, she’d said it twice in one night directly—I love you—when those words were hard for her to say, and I should have noted the importance of it in that moment rather than how good it made me feel whenever she said it.
“Then don’t make me sleep on the couch, doll.”
She opened the door and wrapped her arms around me so tightly it hurt. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
“I don’t either,” I said, waywardly kissing her face. “I couldn’t have made it through the night out there.”
“I barely make it through any night you’re gone,” she whispered between the moves of my lips and body working her back toward the bed.
I had undressed before I noticed the crib was empty. I lifted my mouth from her breasts, and asked, “Where’s Sammy?”
“Next door with Mrs. Bower. I dropped him off after you called to let me know you’d be home soon. He’s heard enough angry words. I didn’t want him to hear ours tonight. I should probably go get him.”
My eyes locked on hers. “Do you think she’d keep him a while longer? We should probably figure a place to move him soon so he doesn’t hear other things as well.”
Her arms slid around my neck. “No, Jack. It’s good for a baby to know his parents’ love. That’s the only thing of life a baby needs to know.”
God, I loved her unconventional, old world thoughts at times. And I loved her. And we did that night, like we hadn’t in months, leaving Sammy longer with Mrs. Bower than we should have. The extra hours alone with Lena were worth every ounce of the neighbor’s irritation when I went to pick up my boy.
I was happy when I returned to put him his crib, and for a while I distanced myself from Patty and her activities. But Patty started pushing her way back into my life in ’63, and by the summer after we’d lost the baby, I found myself escaping into her world and Reggie’s, doing all the things I’d promised Lena I would never do.
Lena drifted away from me emotionally by the fall of ’63. I noticed it too late. I thought it was because she’d miscarried, but it wasn’t.
It was because of me.
Twenty-Four
“Mark my words. Kennedy is going to get us into a fucking war, Jack, and then they’re going to send us over there,” Reggie exclaimed before taking another hit off his joint.
Patty’s fierce eyes locked on mine. “He’s right, Jackie. Reggie is brilliant about everything. He sees things no one else can see. ”
I was getting annoyed that they were talking politics again. I just wanted to feel good. I hadn’t felt anything worth feeling since Lena lost our child. Finally there was something to celebrate.
It was a big day for us. In October we’d auditioned for Columbia Records, and today Parker and Dun signed a contract with them.
I phoned Lena with the good news, and somehow found myself making a lame excuse as to why I needed to be gone another night. I felt like a heel for doing it, but I wanted to be happy even if only for a little while, to celebrate here with them, and they were on one of their rants again.
“Things are starting to happen for us, Reggie. Can’t we just enjoy it?” I said, waving off the offered weed and sticking with my drink. “We’re never going to war in Vietnam. Why would we even fight there?”
“Imperialism,” Patty replied fervently. “Everything in life is about money not people. You have a son. You owe it to Sammy to get involved with SDS and the Peace Union. We need to keep ourselves out of war there.”
I refilled my glass. “It’s not going to happen, Patty. And there’s no point in pissing off my wife more than I already have this summer running around with you. The movement is small. Pointless.”
“It’s not pointless, Jack, and they listen when you’re there.”
“The only person who gives a squat about me being there is Lena,” I said, then laughed. “It’s why I’m always sleeping on the couch these days.”
Patty rolled her eyes. “Then you have to make Lena understand why this is important.”
“Be my guest, if you want to try.” I put down my glass, deciding I should leave. I was still sober enough to drive back to Cambridge. “I’m going to head out, Patty.”
“Jackie,” she said in a slow growl, turning from Reggie to me. “What’s wrong?”
I shrugged off her question, but I really wanted to talk to someone. The problem was I didn’t know what was wrong between Lena and me or how to explain any of it. And I definitely didn’t want to put a damper on the party.
I left it at, “I need to get home to Lena.”
Patty frowned, but before she could probe me on that, her dorm room door opened and Jessica sauntered in.
She dropped her junk on her desk. “Patty, not again.”
“What?” Patty said innocently.
“How long is Reggie staying this time? I need to study, and you’ve got guys over for the night again,” s
he replied, which was a bitchy thing to say in front of Reggie since the way she said it implied he wasn’t the only overnight guest for Patty. “Are you going to be arguing about the government all night? Should I find somewhere else to sleep?”
“No arguing. We’re celebrating,” Patty said, holding up a joint in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other.
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Celebrating what?”
“Jack and Reggie signed with Columbia Records today,” Patty announced.
Her eyes widened. “They did? Oh wow. That’s huge. Congratulations,” she said, but she wasn’t looking at anyone but me. My cock went on full alert because it had been weeks since Lena had looked at me like that.
“So stay and celebrate with us,” Patty said.
Jessica crossed the room and took my glass from the table. “I’ll stay. That is if Jack wants me to stay for the party.”
She finished my drink, watching me over the rim, and by the time she was done I had a nice erection. Her look was that sexy and full of messages. It might have been two years since I’d fucked her, but a guy didn’t forget when a girl used her mouth the way Jessica could.
I stared up at Jessica, telling myself to get the hell out of here, but found myself saying, “Oh, I definitely want you to stay. Maybe this party will start being a party. And we can all finally do something other than argue about the government.”
She laughed as she refilled my glass, handed it to me, and then stretched out close beside me on the bed. It wasn’t long before we were going at it hot and heavy, and Reggie and Patty had taken off for someplace more private.
As she slowly undressed me, kissing her way down my body, I told myself the kind of lies men tell themselves. Whatever I did with her, so long as I didn’t fuck her, I wasn’t being unfaithful to Lena. I was blurring the lines in my head because, after all I’d done for my wife, I was hurting the same way she was, only she didn’t care. Or so I thought, the same way I thought what I was doing would be OK since I was pretty sure the way Jessica massaged me through my pants meant my night with her was going to end at a blowjob.
