by Ward, Susan
“Hello, lovely Linda.”
I expected her to smile, but she didn’t.
“Hello, Jack.”
I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and tried to figure out what to say next that wouldn’t embarrass either of us.
“You look well.”
“So do you.”
Cautious. Unsure. She was rethinking this, too, and, fuck, it hurt worse than anything knowing that. I wanted some visual confirmation that she was glad to see me.
I jutted my chin toward the building. “How long have you lived here?”
“Nearly a year.”
I laughed. “Four blocks apart. Your apartment and mine. And we haven’t run into each other before. My jaw dropped when I saw you climbing out of the car.”
Her eyes flashed and then shimmered in that amused not buying it kind of thing. It was clear she thought I’d waited for her. What wasn’t clear was what she thought of that.
“Would you like to come up?” she asked, politely but nothing else, and my gaze shifted to the building in indecision.
Every part of me screamed, not good, Jackie. Go home.
She gave a tiny lift of her chin and walked ahead of me into the building, and I could tell by her expression she’d already thought this through, what she wanted to have happen next.
Christ, why was she inviting me up to her apartment?
I followed her into the elevator and stood a careful distance from her. Why was I following her?
The metal doors shot open before I could finish thinking this through. I wasn’t sure I should go any farther because, fuck, I could feel it.
That vivid wakefulness you feel with a woman.
The want.
And the caution not to.
Inside her apartment, she gestured at a chair. “Would you like some coffee?”
“No. I’ll only stay a few minutes.”
Her gaze flashed and I regretted those words and how coldly they’d come out. Fuck, I didn’t want to hurt her and I didn’t want to hurt me. I just wanted to be with her for a small moment before I had to walk on without her.
I sat on the couch and she sank down on the arm of a chair half a room away from me. A definite signal that this was a “hello” between two former friends and nothing more.
But, fuck, I still loved her.
“Are you doing well?” I asked, and her features changed, surprised, as though she didn’t expect me to care how she was.
“Very well.”
“And Len? Are you happy? Does he treat you well?”
She looked amused by my question, and fuck, it had ripped at my heart to ask it. But it mattered to me to know she was all right.
I shifted my gaze away.
Waited.
Silence.
And when I looked back at her she looked like she was battling back tears.
“He’s a good guy. A friend. We get along well,” she said softly.
Fuck. Friend? What the hell was she trying to pretend?
Nope, couldn’t do it, not even for Linda.
My anger simmered to the surface. “Why did you leave, Linda? Don’t you think you owe me an explanation? Why leave and marry him?”
“The reasons don’t matter. Not now, Jack. Leave it alone. In the past. That’s what I need.”
That was a loaded comment since it implied I needed to leave us in the past.
“The reasons matter to me,” I said, unable to stop myself. “I’ve tried to forget you. Not to love you. I’m still in love with you, Linda.”
She looked away, big brown eyes locked on a vacant space in the room.
Was my comment pathetic?
Sure, but it was honest.
“How’s Chrissie?” she asked, surprising me.
She fucking changed the subject.
Fine. We’ll do it your way, Linda.
“Well. Nearly thirteen. I didn’t come here to discuss Chrissie.”
Her gaze shifted back to me. “Why did you come here?”
Yep, I could see it. She thought I planned this chance encounter.
Truth and my pride warred inside me.
I ignored her assumptions and said simply, “I love you, Linda,” and locked her in a gaze I was pretty sure revealed every nuance of my heart.
She didn’t move.
Didn’t speak.
For a very long time that nearly crushed me.
Then she sprang out of her chair and ran across the room to kneel between my legs, and I pulled her into my arms.
“I still love you. I never stopped, Jack. Where we are now has nothing to do with whether I love you or not. You are the love of my life and you always will be.”
Fuck, what was this woman trying to do to me?
Love of her life?
She’d married Len Rowan.
I told myself to walk out then; instead I brought my mouth to hers, savoring the feel of her against my lips and how her body dissolved into mine in a remembered perfection that was excruciatingly haunting.
I was losing myself in the feel of her, and then a voice rose in my head, damning me for what I was doing.
I broke off the kiss and moved quickly from her, leaving Linda kneeling on the floor near the couch.
“Damn it, what are we doing?” I snapped, anxiously raking a hand through my hair as I paced the room, fighting to calm my spinning body and thoughts. “You’re married, Linda. What are you trying to do to me?”
She stared up at me, her eyes enormous. “My marriage doesn’t matter. Not with us, Jack. I just was trying to love you.”
She said that simply.
It was anything but that.
“By getting me all fucked up again over you,” I growled. The second the words were out I regretted them, because they’d been harsh and they hurt her.
Her gaze fixed on me, and something in the dark depths made me stop pacing. “Are you fucked up over me again? Or does this feel right? The way it should? Us, Jack.”
I sank down on a chair. “I’m not the kind of man, Linda, who takes advantage of being alone with a woman for an opportunistic fuck with another man’s wife.”
Her lids flew wide, her posture still, and then she busted up laughing.
“Jesus, if any word doesn’t apply to this situation it is opportunistic.” She hid her face in her hands until her laughter melted, then lifted her face and stared at me in that oh, Jack way she used to when she thought me amusing. “I’ve seen you walking on my street at night, Jack. Looking at the building. Thinking about it. In the car tonight something excited pulsed through me. Tonight, if I climb out alone and send Len on his way, will Jack be there? Will my stubborn man finally stop staying away?”
There was a whole lot wrong with that, not the least of which her letting me know I’d been humiliatingly obvious to her.
I shrugged. “I always walk at night when I’m in New York. Not exactly out of character for me. And what the hell do you mean me staying away from you? You’re the one who walked out and then got married, remember?”
She lifted her chin, proud and angry. “And you’re the one who won his custody battle with Walter and got to keep his daughter. I did what I had to do because I loved you.”
I stared at her, anxious and confused. Why mention that? Why now? It was ancient history, and Walter’s court action hadn’t amounted to anything when it hadn’t been.
Why did she look pleased and sad simultaneously?
“Walter and my daughter have nothing to do with what happened to us. What are you talking about, Linda?”
She stared at me with wonder. “Walter never told you, did he? You don’t know. I’ve never been completely sure until now that he kept his word.”
“Know what?” I repeated anxiously because, even though I didn’t understand, a chill moved through me that I wasn’t going to like where this was going.
She came across the room and sat down in the chair, pressing her cheek into my side.<
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“Do you remember in Santa Barbara, that month I came back after going to work for Sandy Harris in England?”
I nodded. Stupid question. I’d replayed those days—the glorious, the hurtful, and the confusing—a thousand times in my head, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.
She sniffed and it was then I knew she was crying. “Linda, why are you crying? What is it you’re thinking about that makes you so sad?”
With an angry swipe she cleared the tears from her cheek. “How much I love you. How right I was then.”
I lifted her chin so I could see her face. “Right about what, baby? There was nothing right about you walking out after saying yes, you’d marry me.”
“Don’t say that,” she exclaimed, breathy and angry. “It’s the most right thing I’ve ever done for love and you’re taking it from me.”
I was impatient now, too. “I’m not trying to take anything from you. I’m just trying to figure out what we’re talking about here.”
She took a moment to compose herself. “The day you went to negotiate with Walter to drop the case, afterward when you went to see Chrissie at her school, Walter came to see me at the house.”
“What?”
I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly until she nodded.
Her eyes grew enormous. “He had all these ugly pictures of me in a file, Jack. He said he would use them to win his custody case if I stayed and married you. That no court would a leave a girl in a home with me.”
It felt like someone punched me.
I wanted so much not to believe her, that our life hadn’t been fucked up by Walter this way, but I could see it was the truth.
How much the memory hurt her.
Even wayward remnants of her feeling badly about who she’d been just retelling that moment to me.
“Oh God.” I felt sick. For her. And for me, though I was sure I shouldn’t have been able to feel anything for me through how strongly I hurt for her. “Jesus Christ, Linda. You should have told me. I would never—”
She stopped my words with a hand against my mouth. “I know you wouldn’t have. That’s why I didn’t tell you. You would have fought back, stubborn and proud, instead of seeing the truth. Walter was right. I’m not a fit person to raise your daughter. I could see it and so could he. So I did the only thing I could, loving you. I walked away. Walter kept his word and dropped the court case, and you have your daughter back. We all have exactly what we need.”
It felt like my heart had been taken from me, like there was nothing in my chest any longer.
“I don’t, Linda. Not by a long shot. I needed you then and I need you now.”
She rose to stand between my legs and surrounded me in her arms. “I need you, too. It’s been awful being without you. It hurt that you wouldn’t talk to me each time when I called you.”
Fuck.
“You are married to Len. I couldn’t talk to you, Linda. Not being with you hurt too much as it was. Talking to you—nope, I couldn’t do it, baby, not even for you.”
She nodded, and I could see she understood. “Two years. Such a stubborn man. Why are you here now, then?”
There were a lot of smart things I could have said, right things given both our circumstances, but instead I said the truth. “I love you, baby. You’re here.”
She laughed, her forehead dropping to rest against mine. “We’re here together, Jack. The way it should be.”
She started kissing my hair and lightly stroking with her fingers. I felt myself being swept away by her again. I closed my hands on her arms and eased her back from me.
“There is nothing about this that is the way it should be, Linda. I can’t do anything more than say goodbye to you. You’re a married woman, and I’ve been a lot of things, Linda, some good and some bad, but what I’ve never been is some woman’s guy on the side.”
“And you wouldn’t be,” she said earnestly. “You would be the man I love, like you’ve always been since we first met.”
I sank my teeth into my lower lip, cutting hard to block out what my body wanted me to do. “I can’t be with you, Linda. Not this way. Not even for you.”
“Of course you can,” she whispered, holding me tightly. “Our situation is simple, Jack. I’m married to Len but I’m in love with you and always have been.”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing simple about that.”
It was time to get out of here. I untangled my body from hers and stepped away, though I didn’t move to the door. I couldn’t drag my eyes from her and walk away.
“It’s not a real marriage, Jack.”
“It looks pretty fucking real to me, Linda. I’ve seen the pictures of the two of you in the papers. You both look happy to me.”
Her brows shot up. “We are happy. Everything is going well for the guys. But that doesn’t change that my marriage to Len Rowan is nothing more than a sham and that there isn’t a single reason for you not to be with me.”
“You’re married. That’s the reason, Linda.”
“There are all kinds of marriages, Jack. Love. Necessity. And business arrangements. Mine to Len is the latter.”
I was hopeful without cause to be and frantic in my body for something to tell me I could be hopeful. “What are you trying to say, Linda?”
“My marriage to Len is a business arrangement. Nothing more. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. We’re good friends. Those guys are like my family. There isn’t anything they wouldn’t do for me and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. But I love him like a friend. Nothing else. Not ever. Fuck, we’ve been married for months and I haven’t even screwed him yet.”
Screwed him—the way she said that made me internally flinch. And damn it, all of it sounded like garbled speak to me. Like she was trying to tell me something, but for some reason she wouldn’t just toss it on the table bluntly.
I stared at her, my heart yearning and my mind saying go. “If there’s a reason I shouldn’t walk out that door, Linda, you had better tell me now.”
“Oh fuck, Jack. Why can’t you ever see the big picture on your own? I’m not supposed to say it. Not to anyone. I could get in a lot of trouble. It was the label’s idea. Alan wanted to be a permanent New Yorker, but Len…well, he was having trouble staying here. Things in his past that made him not a good applicant for a permanent visa, even with all the money the guys have now. The label tried everything. Then they came up with the idea of me. I married Len Rowan because he needed a green card. It’s a nice arrangement. Walter would think I was out of your life forever. I get to live in the posh part of New York. Really be a part of the music history the band is making and not just an employee. Part of history, Jack. And I definitely can help my mother financially more than I could on my salary. I have a five-year contract with Len. He gets me for five years as his paper wife and hopefully at the end the US will make him a citizen.”
It was crazy enough to be true. Crazy shit like that happened all the time, especially in the recording industry, and Linda was a savvy, practical woman.
Still, it was unbelievable. Unpredictable and capricious, like Linda. Fuck, like all the women I’ve loved.
“What? You’re going to have to say that one to me again, Linda. Because I don’t know if I’m hearing things or—”
“I married Len so he could get a green card,” she interrupted bluntly, in that way that told me she was telling me the truth. “It’s a nice arrangement, I think. Both the government and Walter think I’m married. But I’m still in love with you. Now are you going to take me to bed and fuck me? I haven’t been with a man since you, so don’t keep me hanging. I can’t take it, Jack. Not any longer. Yes or no?”
I didn’t know whether to laugh.
To fuck her right there on the floor.
Or run as fast as I could from there.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you either, Linda,” I whispered, flattening her body into mine as my mouth crashed
into her lips.
I opted for door number two.
As crazy and wrong as everything had become, I loved her.
Forty-Five
“Why are girls so complicated and secretive?” I bemoaned into the phone.
Linda laughed. “Are we talking about your daughter or me, Jack?”
“Cute. Very cute. But since you rolled yourself into the mix, why don’t you tell me when you’re planning to file for divorce from Len? It’s been over five years, Linda. Aren’t you ready yet? I am.”
“I think what we have is working well, Jack. We’re more committed and faithful than most married people I know. We have incredibly hot sex like lovers. We don’t apologize for our careers. We both do the things we have to. And every morning we wake up and decide to love so we love completely. Why ruin a good thing?”
“Because it’s not enough. Not for me. You’re the woman I love. I want you here with me.”
“That’s because you’re alone with only your hand,” she joked.
“Ah, Linda wants to get nasty across Pac-Bell, I think,” I whispered.
“Nope. Just seeing you on the caller ID makes me come. I don’t even need to talk to you.”
“You need to, baby, you know that.”
“Yes, I know that.”
“We need to carve out some time for us, Linda. I’m home through the middle of January. But I can disappear for a few days. Chrissie’s got Rene here. She won’t even notice I’m gone.”
“Hmm, let me think. Tough but not impossible.”
Her answer was subdued in that way which made me instantly aware I’d touched a hot zone between us and it felt awful to me.
“Listen, baby,” I whispered into the phone because I could tell by how her breathing changed that she was getting overly emotional on the other end of the line. “Why don’t you come for Christmas this year? Spend it with us. It’s not necessary for you not to be here when Chrissie is here. I’ve told you that. I want you to meet Chrissie. Don’t you think it’s time? I don’t know why you still believe you need to keep your distance from my relationship with her, but you don’t. Things are good between us. I gave you a key to the house a long time ago. I was hoping you’d figure out this is your home, where you belong, and use it. There’s no reason to stay away and I don’t know why you do. I want you here with me, always. I love you, Linda.”
