by Ward, Susan
I shake my head. “No, not today, Liam. In fact, quite the opposite. A moment of clarity. But the good kind.”
“Jack, what are you talking about?”
“I need to make a phone call and make a date with a girl.”
His eyes widen, brightening with comprehension. “It’s about fucking time.”
“It’s past time, Liam. I should have listened to you ten years ago. You were right.”
“I’m always right, Jackie boy. I thought you’d have figured it out before this.”
I stand up and pat him on the shoulder. “You staying the night or are you cutting out?”
He laughs and grabs his junk off the table beside him. “Going back to my place. Call me if you need to.”
I nod—he was my sponsor and friend.
I wait until he’s gone before I swipe open my phone and hit Linda’s number. I tap the speaker button and hold it facing me even though I didn’t select video call. I just want to look at the picture of her as we talk.
Ring.
Ring.
“Hey, stranger, how are you doing?” she says lightly, affectionately and not at all surprised I called her today.
Cell phones and caller ID—ruining a man’s game.
It would have been nice to surprise her.
I sink back into my chair. “Quite a day, huh?”
“Quite a day, Jack. You should have been here. I feel awful that you stayed away because of me—”
“I didn’t stay away because of you,” I say quickly, leaning forward in my chair. “I stayed away because of me.”
The silence is too long between us.
Fuck, maybe she took that wrong.
“Emotional triggers, Linda. Remember?”
“You hanging in there, Jack?”
“I’m good. Real good. Are you doing OK, baby?”
Linda laughs. “Great, actually. Even knowing I’m a grandmother now.”
We both laugh.
The laughter melts in me first.
“Linda, there’s a couple things I need to say today. I’ve spent most of the day thinking—”
“Jack—”
“You’re not stopping me,” I interrupt, frustrated. “Not this time, Linda. This time I talk and you listen.”
A loud exhale comes through the receiver. Oh fuck, I’ve gotten her angry.
“Please, Linda, don’t you think it’s time for me to say a few things?”
“I’m willing to listen if you’re willing to talk.”
My lids shut tightly as my memories carry me back to the argument in the field our first affair together. I’m willing to listen if you’re willing to talk, I’d told Linda when she’d been too ashamed to face me with the truth of why she’d bothered with her drunken beach bum, and it had worked out pretty damn OK.
“I’m listening, Jack,” she whispers huskily.
I take a moment to compose myself. I want to do this right, but it feels like my heart is about to explode and I just want to cry and be through this.
“I’ve loved you, Linda, every moment of every day since I first laid eyes on you,” I say. “I know you didn’t believe it then or when we were together since I didn’t do a very good job at being clear about that, and I don’t know if you believe it now, but you have been the first priority of my heart always and you still are.”
A rough emotion sounds like it’s being cleared from her throat.
“On the beach the evening you told me you were pregnant—”
“No, Jack, I don’t want to talk about that—”
“Well, I do, and remember this round you’re only listening.”
I wait for a moment then hear a short laugh, an exasperated purr.
“Can I go on?” I ask, but I’m smiling. I know this woman well.
“Go on.”
“I’ve been replaying that hour between us and a whole lot of others through my head all day. I didn’t handle it well and I’m sure you thought I was an ass. I should have listened and not talked. I think it would have worked out better that way because, fuck, I know I said things wrong and you heard them wrong. Not the way I intended them or what I thought and felt. I was blown away you were pregnant, and all I wanted was for us to finally be together always.”
“Bullshit,” she shot back, electric with anger. “You remember it wrong. You don’t need to rewrite history with me, not now.”
“No, I’m not doing anything of the sort. I’m remembering what I tried to do, what I wanted for us, and regrettably you remember what I said and did.”
Another pause.
“Aha. Fine. So why are you telling me this? Why now after ten years?”
“Because I love you and whatever this is we’ve been doing, it stops now, Linda.”
Nothing.
No response.
Stubborn woman.
“Do you hear me, baby? It stops now.”
A ragged breath. “Fine. It stops.”
I curl around the phone, willing my emotions calm. “Linda. I’m not going to tell you that you were right to walk away and do the things you did. You weren’t and we both know it, and we both know it isn’t what we wanted. I’m also not going to tell you you were wrong because the only one wrong that day was me. What I am going to tell you is I’m sorry. It’s long overdue. And I’m not staying on the phone long enough to hear you answer me this time, because I don’t want to have to hear it before I know it’s true. Do you understand, baby?”
My gut churns as I wait for her to answer.
“No, Jack. Not really. But if I understood you, you wouldn’t be you.”
Always a wisecrack.
I sniff back a tear and a laugh.
“I miss you, Linda.”
“I miss you, too.”
“I know it’s crazy down there. I know it’s where you think you’re needed. But isn’t it past time for us both to be where we need to be for each other? Baby, I need you. Come to Santa Barbara, Linda. And bring Madison, sweetheart.”
Silence.
Fuck.
My heart races so quickly it’s painful.
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” I whisper.
“I think so.”
“I love you, Linda. However you want it, that’s how it’ll be. Just come home and bring our daughter.”
Click.
Fifty-One
Two days later, I wake alone early in my bed after a restless night in absolute misery, then mentally kick myself from every direction.
Fuck, how could I have left our phone call where I did? It seemed romantic at the time, but Linda not showing is a dismal signal I overplayed my hand.
I run my fingers through my silver-blond mix of hair and clutch tightly as I stare up at the ceiling. Crap, I didn’t just overplay with Linda, I did it with nonsense.
Fuck, I’m seventy-four.
Shouldn’t I be better in the big moments by now?
Nope, just like my daughter.
Chrissie—that apple definitely doesn’t fall far from the tree—overthinking, underspeaking, yep, she gets that from me.
I shower, dress, and head out to watch the dawn. After that I go for my morning walk, keeping it short without reason to, and then climb up the stairs built into the cliffs.
My foot lands on the grass and there’s Linda, coming across the yard to me.
She stops in front of me. “I’m Linda Cray—again—and I’m in love with you.”
I grin. “You stole my line.”
She smiles. “It worked well. At least it did on me.”
I cover my face with a hand and breath out the emotion slowly, trying to steady me.
“Aha. Don’t you have anything to say? I drove one hundred fucking miles to be here. You better have something to say, Jack.”
I laugh into my palm, then look at her. “I’m Jackson Parker, I’m in love with you, and you are going to stay here forever.”
She
nods.
Efficiently.
“Great, now what do we do?”
We both laugh as I step in to her for a kiss. Between kisses, I say, “I don’t have a clue, baby. I’m too happy you’re here to think of anything more than that.”
I look around the yard.
Empty.
Did she come alone?
Not a bad variation, but—
“Where’s Madison?” I ask.
“She’s in the house with Maria. I thought it best we do the first round solo.”
I nod, jutting my chin. “Smart move, but we didn’t have to. No knockout. No hitting. Fast round. Still on my feet.” I study her. “Am I still on my feet?”
She laughs, her head falling into my shoulder as we walk. “For now. But I can’t guarantee that once Madison’s asleep. It’s been a long time, old man. I hope you have a blue pill.”
“I don’t need one. Well, at least I think I don’t. Like I said, I missed you. And I’m too old to change. One-woman kind of man. Remember? That’s how I’ve lived even after you walked away.”
Her eyes flash. “I didn’t walk away—”
I silence her words with my mouth and flatten her against me. “I love you. Shut up. Just let me enjoy this.”
She shakes her head, aggravated.
“Fine. Whatever you say.”
I stop her before we enter the house. “I think round two I’ve got to do alone. Why don’t you go put your things in our room and our daughter’s in hers while I spend a little private time with our girl?”
She arches a brow. “I don’t have anything to unpack. I travel light these days. Remember?”
Oh fuck—what the hell did that one mean? I thought the scene in the yard meant she’d decided to stay here with me. Both of them staying here with me.
“Nothing? No bags? I thought I made it clear that that’s what I wanted when I called you. That you two move in with me.”
Her brows lift as her head tilts. “You don’t make anything clear, Jack, but I figured that out on my own. I didn’t bring anything because I didn’t need to. I have movers do shit like that for me now. Bringing Madison home, getting her in the car was enough work for the day.”
In the car—the way she said that didn’t sound good.
“Are you telling me she didn’t want to come? She doesn’t want to see me?”
“No,” she says in a slow frustrated way. “Wrong daughter being the problem. It was your other daughter who was the pain in the ass and made it hard to get away. Yap, yap, yap by phone. Like I need her advice on anything. Chrissie, not Madison. Maddy adores you. She loves her visits with you. She was thrilled to come up here for a while and that I was coming too this time. And, yes, I told her it was a visit. I figured you could explain everything else since I had to deal with Chrissie today.”
I laugh and give her a loud, smacking kiss. I can feel my eyes are shimmering when I ease back to look at her. “I adore you, Linda.”
“Aha. Good thing, since you’re stuck with me.”
Inside the house she goes one way and I go the other.
All right, Madison, where are you holed up this time?
Jeez, I hope she’s not on her phone. I hear a sound and cut through the living room. Always the kitchen. Why does everyone like to hang in the kitchen or on their phone these days?
I pause in the doorway to drink in the sight of Madison as she sits on her knees on a stool watching Maria cook and chatting away in Spanish with her.
My heart jumps into my throat.
God, our daughter is lovely.
Long blond hair. Bright blue eyes. With Linda’s spunk—unfortunately at times her sassy mouth, too—and my…fuck, I’m not sure what she gets from me other than her looks.
Probably nothing.
Probably for the best.
“Hey, kid, why don’t you come over here and give your old man a hug?”
Her face snaps up and she smiles. “Hi, Dad. That was fast. I thought you and Mom would argue longer.”
Blunt Linda honesty. A replica of her mother. And I wouldn’t change a damn thing.
I give her a firm, wiggly hug. “We weren’t arguing.”
“Good. Mom seemed kind of happy today.”
I scrunch up my mouth. “Let’s keep it that way, OK?”
She nods.
“Do you want to go walk with me for a while?” I ask her. “Down on the beach?”
In her eyes rises suspicion. “Beach? You want to have one of your talks with me. That’s why you’re both here. What did Mom say I did wrong now?”
I laugh and kiss her on her golden head. “Nothing. I just want to walk. Talk. Spend some time alone with my girl.” I point at the cell phone in her hand. “No phone. Leave it with Maria. You can collect it when we come back.”
She gives a look and reluctantly sets down her cell.
We walk across the yard, down the stairs to the beach, me studying her and her studying me as we make our way down the shoreline.
“We going to Hendry’s?” she asks. “Can we eat there? Mom’s all about that vegan junk these days.”
“We can eat if you want to, later.”
I watch her kick the surf, chase a dog, and then fall back in beside me.
“Hey, Maddy, what do you know?”
She frowns. “What do you mean?”
“About me being your dad?”
One side of her lip and nose raise. “Everything. Mom doesn’t do bullshit.”
My face heats even as I fight back a laugh.
Yep, gotta work on that mouth of hers.
I sit down in the sand and wait for her to join me.
“That’s not what I mean. You’ve always known I’m your dad, but I want to know how much of the rest of it your mother told you.”
“Aha.” Her eyes widen. Comprehension in her. Dread in me. “Everything. With Bobby being adopted, I pretty much figured out the details before she had ‘the talk’ with me when I was nine. It really stunk, too. She’s so direct about everything. Told me all about you and her. Me. Then she kept me there for an extra hour, filling me in on everything I never wanted to know about how my body works, like I didn’t get enough of that at school, and I’m pretty sure it ended with a safe sex talk. I’m not sure about that part. Bobby said that’s what it was and to be ready for more sex talks.”
Sudden embarrassed laughter pushes upward inside me, but I choke it back. What is up with kids these days? This isn’t going at all like I expected.
“But how did your mom explain our unique family arrangement?”
“Well, not that different than what I already knew. People gossip so much. Especially Chrissie. I thought Mom was going to tell me she’d had an affair with you and I was a mistake.”
I clutch her to me and hold her tight. “Oh, baby girl, you are not a mistake. You’re a miracle.”
Her eyes peek up at me. “Really?”
“Yep. Absolute miracle.”
“Once Mom started talking I went, oh great, I’m a donor baby.”
My stomach knots. “Donor?”
Her eyes widen. “A donor baby is—”
“You don’t need to explain it,” I say, cutting that off quickly. “You are not a donor baby.”
She shrugs. “I know. Mom explained. You love each other and were happy you made me, but sometimes the best things don’t work out the way you want them to. And that I was a child of love.”
I stare out at the water.
Lovely Linda.
I shouldn’t have expected anything but loving words from her to our daughter.
I decide how I want to move into the next round of this. “Do you want to know how I want things to work out from here?”
She nods.
“I want you to live here with me full time, both you and your mother. Do you think that might work for you?”
Her eyes go wide.
I can’t read her reaction.
“So that’s what Mom was arguing about with Chrissie this morning?”
“They were arguing?”
Madison nods vigorously. Fuck, I thought Chrissie was just being annoying, not getting all up in my and Linda’s shit again.
Damn it.
“It was so ridiculous. I thought Mom was going to explode because Chrissie wouldn’t shut up and let her hang up the phone and leave like she wanted to. I didn’t have a clue what she was saying. I could tell Mom didn’t either. Neither of us ever understand my sister when she talks and I had to sit there wait and listen to it all. Over and over again, Chrissie saying, ‘Why does everyone always think everything is going to upset me? I’m forty years old, Linda. Isn’t it time to get over it?’”
Madison gives me the heavy stare girls get when they love tattling on each other. I should probably stop this. Instead I say, “Your sister is forty-five.”
“I know. It’s on Wikipedia. She’s not fooling anyone. Anyway, right when I think Mom has had enough and is going to let Chrissie have it, Chrissie says, ‘Maddy, everything is going to be fine. You are moving in with Dad and that’s the end of it. Change is what we go through to get to where we’re going.’ And then she hangs up quickly.”
Oh fuck, Chrissie stole my line.
I fall back into the sand, laughing so hard I can’t breathe.
When I open my eyes I find Madison trying to figure me out. Her golden brows crinkle. “I know,” she says seriously. “She never makes sense. I don’t understand how Chrissie can write such great songs.”
I turn onto my side with my head on my palm. “Your sister is a very wise woman. Change is what we go through to get to where we’re going.”
Madison gets to her feet. “Whatever. I’m hungry, Dad. Can we go eat? One good meal with real food before Mom has her talk with me about us living here. Mom didn’t fool me with that lame stunt of not packing bags.”
Oh, so that’s why Linda didn’t bring luggage.
I take her hand. “Sure, we can eat.”
We’re almost to the restaurant on the rocks when I stop. “Oh fu—” I start to say the word but check it. I look down at Madison. “I don’t have my wallet. Tell me you’ve got money.”
