by Duncan Ball
‘She could tie him to herself,’ Barrington said. ‘It’s worth a try. I mean, we’re talking about my sister’s life. You can always get a new dog — I can’t get a new sister.’
‘Sheeeeesh!’ Selby thought. ‘I’d try to run away or I’d bite or something but I’m so dizzy I can’t move. Somebody please stop the cave from spinning! I think I’m going to talk. Yes, that’s it. I’m going to tell them that I know how to talk. I’ll reason with them. I’ll talk them out of sending me down there.’
But before Selby could say, ‘Excuse me, but I’m the only talking dog in Australia — and perhaps the world — and there’s no way I’m going down that hole,’ Barrington whisked him off the ground.
‘The dog is our only chance,’ he cried, thrusting Selby headfirst into the hole.
Selby plummetted headlong, headfirst and headdown into the shaft with his legs stiff as steel as he went faster and faster.
‘Yooooooowwwwww! I’m going to die! I’m gone! I’m a dead dog! This is worse than kissing Aunt Jetty! It’s so tight in here!’ he thought. ‘I just feel like clawing my way back up to fresh air! Maybe that’s why they call it claws-trophobia. He, he, he, he.’
Selby giggled at his joke and then giggled some more.
‘Oh, no! Now I’m losing my mind! I can’t stop giggling! I’ve got to stop giggling and keep my wits about me.’
Suddenly Selby came to a slippery stop, but before he could turn around and try to scramble back up, he lost his footing again and slid down a second shaft all the way to the bottom of a big, open cavern filled with stalactites and stalagmites.
Selby was about to give three strong tugs on the line to get them to pull him back up when he saw Gwendolyn lying unconscious next to him on the ground, her torch still burning brightly.
‘Uh-oh, the water’s rising!’ Selby said as he unclipped the line from his collar and attached it to Gwendolyn’s climbing belt. He pushed her sideways and then sat her up with her head sticking up into the shaft.
‘So far, so good,’ Selby thought as the water suddenly came up around his ankles. ‘Now all I have to do is hang onto her legs and they’ll pull us both up.’
Selby pulled three times on the ultra-thin, high-tension line, but before he could get a good grip on the unconscious Gwendolyn, she shot up the shaft.
‘Hey, wait for me!’ Selby screamed above the sound of the rushing water. ‘Oh, no! The water’s rising! I’ve got to get to higher ground!’
Selby scrambled onto a stalagmite — or was it a stalactite? — as the water rose around him. As it reached his feet, he took a leap upwards and grabbed a stalactite on the ceiling — or was it a stalagmite? — and began climbing it, centimetre by centimetre as the water rose. Soon he was at the very top of the cave with nowhere to go.
‘This is it!’ he said. ‘I’m a goner!’
Just then, by the light of the floating torch, Selby noticed a crack in the roof. He put a paw into it and then another paw and the rock gave way, making it an almost-dog-size crack.
‘I’ll squeeze myself up into here and hope the water goes down again.’
Selby wriggled up and up into the crack with the water licking his toes. But as he went the crack got bigger and bigger and bigger and finally it opened out into another cavern. And across the way in the dim light Selby saw the shapes of the Trifles and Barrington bending over Gwendolyn.
‘Where am I?’ she asked. ‘What’s happening?’
‘You’re alive!’ Barrington cried. ‘And you’re safe and sound!’
‘Where’s that big hairy man who helped to rescue me?’
‘Big hairy man?’ Barrington asked. ‘I’m afraid you must have imagined him. The only one down there with you was a medium-sized hairy dog.’
‘Poor Selby,’ Mrs Trifle sniffed. ‘Oh, my poor, poor dog. I’ll never forgive you for this, Barrington. You sacrificed the most wonderful dog in the world.’
‘I think I’ll just stand here for a minute,’ Selby thought, ‘and hear what they thought about me. It isn’t often you get to hear your own funeral speeches.’
‘He was a truly warm and wonderful dog,’ Dr Trifle said, hugging Mrs Trifle.
‘There has never been a dog like Selby,’ Mrs Trifle added. ‘We loved him so, so much.’
‘Gosh,’ Selby thought as he blushed a little dog-like blush. ‘They really did like me.’
‘What a dog,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He may not have been perfect; he wasn’t the most energetic dog in the world, but we loved him.’
‘Hey, now wait a minute,’ Selby thought.
‘You might even say that he was lazy,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘And of course he could be cranky at times,’ Dr Trifle added.
‘He may not even have been perfect,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but —’
Suddenly, somewhere in the darkness behind them, the Trifles heard a loud bark.
HIGH HAT HARRY THE HAPPY HYPNOTIST
in which everyone in Bogusville
finally finds out Selby’s secret
All of Bogusville was going to the town hall to see High Hat Harry the Happy Hypnotist do his Magic of the Mind Free-for-All Show.
‘It’s absolutely free,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It doesn’t cost a cent.’
‘How is that possible?’ asked Dr Trifle. ‘Don’t we have to buy tickets?’
‘No. At the end of the show, Harry passes his hat around. You can donate anything you want. If you don’t enjoy yourself, you don’t have to give anything.’
‘He sounds like an honest man to me,’ said Dr Trifle who was very careful with his money. ‘Let’s go tonight. It could be fun.’
‘It’s not fair,’ Selby thought as he watched the Trifles’ car drive away. ‘Everybody gets to go but me. I want to see High Hat Harry too. Well, I’m going anyway. So there!’
Selby ran off down the street to the town hall. He crept in and hid behind the curtain that covered the back wall. Standing on his hind legs, he could see out over the audience. Harry was standing on stage wearing a huge hat.
‘Well, here I am in Bogusville,’ Harry said. ‘Aren’t I a lucky dog?’
Everyone laughed.
‘So which one of you brave people is going to be my first victim?’ Everyone laughed but no one volunteered. ‘How about you, Mayor Trifle?’
Selby could see Mrs Trifle shake her head.
‘Now, now, Mrs Mayor. Here’s your chance to win lots of votes,’ Harry said. ‘Or lose them,’ he said to the audience.
‘Oh, all right,’ Mrs Trifle said.
Everyone clapped as Mrs Trifle slowly got out of her seat and made her way to the stage.
‘This won’t hurt, will it?’ she asked the hypnotist.
‘Of course not,’ Harry said. ‘Now just relax and watch my hand.’
Harry moved his hand back and forth slowly and then in a circle that got smaller and smaller.
‘You are getting very sleepy,’ he said.
Harry’s hand came closer and closer to Mrs Trifle’s face. When he snapped his fingers her head suddenly tilted.
‘It worked!’ Selby thought. ‘He actually hypnotised her. This is great!’
‘You are in my power,’ Harry said. ‘Do you hear me?’
‘I am in your power,’ Mrs Trifle said very slowly.
‘You are back in school,’ Harry said, ‘playing in the playground at recess. Do you see all the other children out there?’
‘Yes, I do,’ Mrs Trifle said, putting on a little girl’s voice and looking at the audience.
‘I think they need some cheering up, don’t you?’
‘Why, so they do,’ Mrs Trifle said.
With this, Mrs Trifle started pulling silly faces and making rude noises by putting her tongue between her lips and blowing. Everyone roared with laughter.
‘That certainly cheered them up,’ Harry cried, clapping along with everyone else. ‘Now when I count to three and snap my fingers, you will wake up and you will forget everything you just did, ok
ay? One, two, three.’
Snap!
Selby heard the snap of Harry’s fingers and suddenly Mrs Trifle woke up.
‘What did you want me to do?’ she asked.
‘You’ve already done it,’ Harry answered. ‘You were so good that I’m sure you’ll be reelected.’
Everyone laughed and cheered as the puzzled Mrs Trifle went back to her seat. Selby pulled the curtains farther apart and saw Dr Trifle whispering in Mrs Trifle’s ear.
‘Isn’t High Hat Harry great?!’ Selby squealed. ‘I’d love to know how to hypnotise people.’
Next Madame Mascara came up and soon she, too, was hypnotised. She did cartwheels across the stage cackling like a hen. After her, Postie Paterson recited a rhyme about his second grade teacher, Mrs Tidley, that went:
Mrs Tidley had a cold
And blew a bubble out her nose
When she saw what she had done
She blew another just for fun.
Postie Paterson did a little curtsy as everyone screamed with laughter.
‘I beg your pardon!’ a voice cried out.
Everyone laughed again as they turned to see old Mrs Tidley herself, standing in the audience with her hands on her hips. After a second she, too, burst out laughing.
‘It’s a good thing she has a sense of humour,’ Selby thought.
Postie Paterson went back to his seat and asked the people next to him what he’d done.
For the next half hour, High Hat Harry had the most unlikely people playing hopscotch and wiggling around the floor like worms. He even had Sergeant Short of the Bogusville police singing, ‘I’m a little teapot, short and stout'.
Finally the hypnotist sent everyone off the stage.
‘Now I’d like you all to watch my hand,’ Harry said, moving it in a slow circle. ‘Everyone watching please. Slowly, slowly. You are getting very sleepy.’
‘He’s going to hypnotise the whole audience,’ Selby thought. ‘How exciting!’
In a minute, Harry had everyone mooing like a hundred cows and scratching around in their seats like chickens.
‘He’s done it! This is great!’ Selby said, letting out a couple of moos and scratching the carpet with his feet. ‘This is soooo weird!’
‘All right, all right,’ Harry said, finally. ‘That brings us to the end of the show. Did you all have a good time?’
‘Yes!’ everyone shouted.
‘Then you may wish to help a poor hypnotist pay his rent,’ Harry said, taking off his huge hat, ‘by making a small donation.’
Harry handed his hat to someone in the front row who got out his wallet and took out a five dollar note.
‘Only five dollars?’ Harry laughed. ‘Is that all I’m worth? How about the rest?’
The man laughed and then reached into his wallet and took out all his money and put it in the hat.
‘That’s more like it,’ Harry said.
Selby watched with delight as people took out their handbags and wallets and put all their money in the hat. Even Dr and Mrs Trifle put all their money in. Soon the hat came back to Harry, overflowing with money.
‘If he had sold tickets, he never would have made this much money,’ Selby thought. ‘This High Hat Harry certainly is a clever guy.’
‘Did I miss anyone?’ Harry asked.
‘You missed me!’
The voice came from the back of the hall. Suddenly the curtain parted and there was Selby. There was a gasp from the crowd.
‘I beg your pardon?’ Harry said, squinting towards Selby.
Selby felt a warm glow of happiness as he raced up to the stage.
‘I said that you missed me,’ Selby laughed. ‘But it won’t do you a bit of good because I don’t carry a wallet!’
‘Crikey!’ Harry blurted out. ‘A t-t-t-talking dog!’
‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle called out. ‘You can talk?’
‘Perfectly,’ Selby said proudly.
‘But you never told us,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Well, now you know,’ Selby laughed. ‘And it’s all because of you, Harry. You did me a big favour. I’d like to shake your hand.’
Selby stood on his hind legs and put his paw out. High Hat Harry reached for it automatically and then pulled his hand back in horror. And as he did so, Selby heard the slight snapping sound of the man’s fingers accidentally rubbing together.
Suddenly Selby came to his senses.
‘Oh my god, I was hypnotised!’ Selby thought. ‘Harry had me hypnotised and I didn’t know it! He made me give away my secret! Oh, no! I’ll never get out of this one! I’m a done dog! Why did I ever come here?’
‘This is all your fault! You’ve ruined my life!’ Selby yelled at Harry. A tear formed in Selby’s eye and then rolled down his face, disappearing into his fur.
‘One minute he’s happy and the next minute he’s angry. What is it with this pooch?’ Harry said.
For a moment, all Selby could think of were the wonderful times he’d had living with the Trifles and the great adventures he’d had as he struggled to keep his secret a secret. Now it was over. Soon he’d be famous. People from all over would come by the busload to see the world’s greatest freak of nature — an actual, real live, talking dog.
More tears formed in Selby’s eyes and through them he saw the blurry shape of the man who had destroyed him — High Hat Harry. Suddenly his sadness turned to rage.
‘Get out of my sight before I tear your leg off!’ Selby screamed.
One sight of Selby’s teeth and Harry shot out the door. In a second his car started and drove off down the road.
Selby suddenly noticed the hatful of money. He handed it to someone in the front row.
‘Take back your money, everyone,’ Selby said.
‘The hat was passed around and everyone took out what they’d put in.
‘Please tell us how did you learn to talk?’ Mrs Trifle said finally.
‘I might as well tell you everything,’ Selby said with a sigh. ‘It happened a few years ago when I was watching TV. Suddenly I could understand everything everyone was saying. Then I practised and practised till I could talk.’
‘You must have been so surprised to just understand like that,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘You can say that again,’ Selby said.
‘You must have been so surprised to just understand like that,’ Dr Trifle said again.
Selby laughed a little Selby laugh in spite of himself.
‘No, I didn’t mean for you to say it again,’ he said. ‘It’s just an expression.’ Dr Trifle stared at him blankly. ‘It’s just like saying, “Shake a leg,” when you want someone to hurry up,’ Selby added.
Just then, everyone stood up and started shaking their legs.
‘That’s just an expression too,’ Selby said. ‘What’s wrong with you people? It’s like saying, “Well blow me down,” when you’re surprised.’
Suddenly everyone started blowing all at once and a gust of wind hit Selby that nearly blew him down.
‘Stop!’ Selby yelled. ‘You’re being silly! I’m trying to be serious here!’
‘Crumbs!’ Selby thought. ‘They’re all hypnotised! No wonder they gave all of their money! Harry told them to. He was robbing them! They’re still hypnotised because they didn’t hear Harry’s fingers snap. I think I’ve just been saved!’
‘All right, everyone,’ Selby announced. ‘The show is over. Now, when I count to three, you’re going to wake up. You’ll forget everything — especially the bit about me talking, okay? One, two, three,’ Selby said. ‘Uh-oh, I can’t snap my fingers. I don’t have any fingers ! What am I going to do? The whole of Bogusville could be hypnotised forever! Now wait a minute. Could you all please snap your fingers?’
There was an almighty clatter of snapping and everyone suddenly woke up.
‘I guess the show’s over,’ someone said. ‘But where’s High Hat Harry?’
‘Well, Harry said he was a lucky dog to be in Bogusville,’ someone else yelled, po
inting at Selby, ‘and now I guess he’s turned into one.’
Everyone roared with laughter as Selby raced from the stage and headed for home.
‘Lucky dog is right,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’m the luckiest dog in Australia — and perhaps the world!’
Acknowledgments
The author would like to thank Josie Walker, Fleur Hall, and Kathryn Lambert for invaluable (and therefore, unpaid) assistance cheerfully rendered.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Duncan Ball is an Australian author best known for his popular books for children. Among his most-loved works are the books about Selby, the talking dog. Selby Sorcerer is the eleventh collection of short stories about ‘the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world’. Also published is a selection of stories taken from the other books called Selby’s Selection, and two collections of jokes: Selby’s Joke Book and Selby’s Side-Splitting Joke Book.
Among Duncan’s other books are the Emily Eyefinger series, about the adventures of a girl who was born with an eye on the end of her finger, and the comedy novels, Piggott Place and Piggotts in Peril, about the frustrations of twelve-year-old Bert Piggott, forever struggling to get his family of ratbags and dreamers out of the trouble they constantly get themselves into.
Duncan lives in Sydney with his wife, Jill, and their cat, Jasper. They also love dogs and once considered getting one but were stopped by the sudden arrival of an unstamped letter in their mailbox. It said simply: ‘Don’t get a dog. You’ve already got the most perfect pet in the world.’ Where the letter came from and why it smelled vaguely of cat food is still a mystery.
For more information about Duncan
and his books, see Selby’s web site at:
www.harpercollins.com.au/selby
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
Emily Eyefinger
Emily Eyefinger, Secret Agent
Emily Eyefinger and the Lost Treasure
Emily Eyefinger and the Black Volcano
Emily Eyefinger’s Alien Adventure
Emily Eyefinger and the Devil Bones
