It’s definitely turning into autumn now, the leaves on the trees have that beautiful orange glow and I feel like getting my camera out or even my art supplies. I decide that seeing as though I have a few days of nothing planned, I might go to the park and take some photos. I get my sketch book out from the box it’s been in since moving. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without it in my hand. I open it to the first page and see Zack. I run my fingers across his pencil drawn face with a smile. His gorgeous face in profile, laughing. He was always laughing at something, more often than not he was laughing at me. But lovingly. Despite me being older he always said he should have been born years ahead of me. He said I had the silly streak and not only did I make him laugh, as soon as he became a teenager he felt protective of me. His height being part of that reason I’m sure. I find a blank page, and with no specific thought in mind I start to idly sketch. A heavy knock on the front door scares the shit out of me and I jump out the chair, my sketch pad falling to the floor face down. As I go downstairs I realise it’s nearly five o’clock which means it’s probably Connor as he works school hours, lucky sod. I realize too late what I must look like, a true slob. Bollocks, oh well too late, he should have remembered to text me like I asked him to.
I open the door and when I see his handsome smiling face I surprisingly throw myself into his arms. Lucky for me he’s huge and strong, so he catches me without falling backwards down the steps.
“Hey Izzy,” he laughs at me. “I missed you, are you okay?”
I nod and pull him by the hand inside the house without speaking. Once the door’s closed he folds me back into his arms. I have no idea how long we stand here when he finally draws back and looks down into my face. “You sure you’re okay? Because you don’t look it to me.”
“No, I really am, well as much as what’s normal,” I add stupidly. I suddenly decide that Connor’s not the person to confide my life in. I don’t want to inflict my story on him. He’s too caring and happy. He doesn’t need my crap.
“Hey, do you fancy going out for a drink and something to eat? I’m starving; I haven’t had anything since our meal out last night, which feels like weeks ago.” I hope he says yes and that my eager smile convinces him that I’m okay.
He smiles at me. “Yeah I could eat.” He leans down and gives me a kiss on one cheek then on the other. I stand on my toes so I can wrap my arms around his neck. This man is amazing and he makes me feel like there is nothing else to worry about. He pulls away reluctantly.
“If we don’t go and get you something to eat now I won’t take responsibility for how long you’ll go without food,” he says with a cheeky smile. My stomach immediately protests and I embarrassingly blush and look down at my feet. Good timing though, as something feels not quite right here. Connor starts laughing. “Come on Izzy, let’s go get you some food.”
“Hang on let me just go get my bag and get ready,” I say, as I run upstairs and quickly change into my favourite pair of jeans. I put on my fitted hoodie and pull on my boots. I quickly put a bit of black eyeliner and mascara on. I never leave the house without it. Connor is patiently waiting by the front door looking at something on his mobile. He looks so relaxed and gorgeous in his dark jeans and light blue button up shirt. The blue looks amazing with his olive toned skin and his dark brown hair. It’s not tucked in but I reckon it must be fitted because I can see his defined build through it; it’s that snug on him. He looks up at me as I come down the stairs.
“Right what do you fancy?” he asks me opening the door.
“You,” I badly joke back, but it earns me a head shake and a laugh from him. He looks kind of sad too which makes me wonder what he’s thinking.
“Right, well I’ll decide then shall I?”
“Sure, as long as it’s hot and stodgy I don’t care.” My stomach voices its approval at that thought.
Connor takes my hand and we walk through the park into town. He stops outside Pizza Express. “Stodgy enough for you?”
I smile satisfied with his choice. “Yeah, this is perfect.”
I literally devour a huge red onion, spinach and goats’ cheese pizza in record time and wash it down with a Peroni. Connor looks at me amused as he eats much more restrained and leisurely. Total boy-girl role reversal.
“Bloody hell, I was starving,” I say as I lick my lips in utter food satisfaction rubbing my food baby belly.
“Yeah I can kind of tell,” he laughs back at me.
We pay up and I realize I’ve put my camera in my bag. The early evening light is beautiful so I’m itching to bring it out.
“Fancy coming to the park with me, I want to go take some photos?” I ask Connor and realise I’m already half dragging him there by his hand.
“Sure Izzy, I didn’t realise you enjoyed photography.”
“It’s more of a hobby really. I’m not particularly great at it, but I just love it so much.”
As we walk around the park Connor sticks with me in the background, a comfortable silence surrounding us. I get so lost in what I’m doing I don’t realise when he’s no longer next to me. I stop what I’m doing and look around for him. I find him sitting under a weeping willow with his elbows resting on his knees, head in hands looking up at the sky. I quickly snap a load of photos of him from different angles, before he realises what I’m doing. When I’ve finished I walk over and sit down next to him. We sit in silence for a while when he suddenly looks over at me.
“Izzy…I have something I need to tell you,” he says, his voice taking on a deep and serious tone.
My stomach drops when I see his worried and torn expression as he rubs his head with his hand. He takes my hand in his and starts rubbing my palm with his thumb, it kind of tickles but I’m scared to break the moment, of what he’s going to say next.
“What is it Connor?” I whisper apprehensively.
“I really like you Izzy, but I should really never have started anything….this situation is entirely my fault,” he sighs and pulls me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. l freeze completely in his arms; I knew something felt off today.
“I know you like me too Izzy, but I just don’t think you like me enough. I saw it in your face last night and in Declan’s, you two have a bond, a bond that runs deeper than you think and a bond that I don’t think I could ever have with you.”
I sit up abruptly and try to interrupt him but before I get the chance he silences me with a closed mouth kiss.
“Please don’t argue this, I know what I see and feel, and I have to stop this now Izzy. For you and for me, because I know in no uncertain terms, that the day will come when you leave me, for Declan.”
I feel my eyes welling up, the tears starting to fall, all I can see is a sad blurry looking Connor. I fall into him and break down in uncontrollable crying. This is too much. Too bloody much.
“I’ll always be here for you Izzy, always. It doesn’t mean the end of you and me, just the end of this.” He gestures manically between us with his hand. “I still want you in my life, but I know I can’t have all of you, I can’t have the part I really like right now, so I’m letting you go. I have a sports camp coming up next week so I’ll be gone for a short while.”
“Connor..I…” I really don’t know what to say. I didn’t see this coming. “I hate it, but I think you’re right Connor, no matter how much this sucks, I know you are.” I also know I don’t deserve him, but I don’t tell him that. He deserves a woman who gives him everything she is, everything she has to give. And yeah I’m not her. I know this, deep down. “I’ll miss you.” It’s not the only thing I want to tell him but it’s all I’ve got right now.
“Yeah I know Izzy, and I know what you’re thinking too, but you’re wrong, so very wrong.”
We sit in each other’s arms and I can’t help but slowly realize, he’s completely right. He makes me feel safe, secure and yes I fancy him. But I don’t know if that’s enough and I would hate to break his heart because I think I will, eventually, bec
ause Declan has mine…still. I feel like a bitch and the guilt starts to eat at me. As I try to rationalise my feelings for Connor it comes down to feeling safe and protected, friendship and yes attraction. But that essential feeling is missing, the extreme want and unbearable pain and need for another person. Exactly how I feel when I’m not near Declan, for reasons I’m still not sure of.
It suddenly gets very chilly and I know we can’t sit here forever so I stand up and Connor does the same. I wrap myself in his arms and rest my head against his chest.
“I really do care about you Connor, I really do, and I’m going to miss you like crazy even though you haven’t been in my life very long,” my voice breaks as I tell him this.
“I know you do Izzy and I’m going to miss you too, we’ll still be mates though okay; ‘cause I couldn’t fucking stand to lose you completely.” I nod my head but stay silent. Willing that to be true; to be real.
Connor walks me home and I’m surprised by how much this actually hurts, I can’t help but think whether this is the right thing to do. I look up at him and he smiles down at me.
“You’ve got to ring me Izzy, if you ever need me, you promise yeah?” he demands, looking all serious at me. I nod my head and I see him clearly swallow as he briefly closes his eyes.
“You’ve become very important to me in such a short time and you always will be,” he laughs, it sounds kind of cynical as I hear him say, “Mates?”
Before I answer I launch myself at him and attack him with kisses. I know this’ll be my last chance and he gets as carried away as I do. We can’t keep our hands off each other. I slow down and just cling to him as I reply, “Yes….mates. Always.”
“Goodbye Izzy,” he says shrugging his shoulders.
“Bye Connor.” I watch him walk away and stay rooted to the spot until I can no longer see him.
Feeling like shit on a shoe I decide to go to the Off Licence to get a bottle of something alcoholic. I feel like getting blind arsed drunk. Yeah not very mature I know. But who the fuck cares? When a little piece of your heart breaks it’s the only thing that’ll do. Connor is the kind of bloke anyone would be lucky to have and I just threw away that possibility because knowingly hurting him is unforgivable. It’s Declan I want.
I buy a litre bottle of Cranberry Vodka from the ‘Offie’ and thank the stars the day they started selling these, saves me having to mix it myself. Taking my bottle up to my room with no glass, I think to myself that I might as well go the full hog, I plug my iPod in and select Black Stone Cherry. I take off most of my clothes to get comfortable, leaving me just in my vest top and knickers. Sitting in the dark; in my favourite spot by the window, I watch the world go by. Fuck, I’m wallowing in my own self-pity here. Such a bloody cliché, such self-indulgence I think to myself as I down another huge gulp of vodka.
I’m starting to feel dizzy and the room is spinning, but I’m not stopping this pity party for one until I’ve finished this bottle. Once I’m done I’ll move on and let go of Connor and feel lucky that I’ve got him as a friend. Because truly, I will be lucky.
Who knows how much time has passed when I hear voices downstairs…many voices…I place my finger over my lips and chuckle to myself ssshhhhh. I don’t want anyone to know I’m home. Shit, the bottle’s empty. Why’s the bottle empty? How? Who drank it all?
I try to turn the music down but end up falling onto the floor with a loud thump making the bottle roll across the floor, where it ends up resting against the door. Ssshhhhh must be quiet. This makes me laugh. It’s not even funny, but I can’t stop laughing.
“Izzy?” Someone’s calling me.
“What?” I shout back. Shit why am I shouting? I meant to be quiet, bollocks.
My door opens slightly, rolling the empty bottle back to me.
“Can I come in Iz?”
“Fuck it’s Declan.”
I hear him laugh, “Yeah…fuck it’s me.”
“Shit did I say that out loud?” I slur and start laughing like a maniac.
“Are you smashed Iz?” Declan joins in the laughter.
“Nah,” I shake my head. Oh, not a good idea, I’m concentrating really hard and now I feel a bit sick.
“Izzy sweetheart, why the hell are you sprawled on the floor?” He starts to walk over.
“I like it….s’good place to think ‘bout stuff,” I say.
He crouches down next to me and looks at me, he’s so close I can’t help reach up and flick his nose. His face is classic, he looks shocked. This makes me laugh a proper belly laugh.
“Did you just flick my nose?” he laughs, as he pulls me off the floor and somehow manages to sit me down on my bed. I try and sit straight…man it’s hard to do when the world spins.
“Hey…are you wearing guy-liner?” I ask and accidentally prod Declan in the eye, when all I meant to do was point at it.
“Fuck Izzy, that hurt and no I’m not wearing bloody eyeliner.” He’s frantically rubbing his sore eye.
“Guy-liner my gorgeous man, not eyeliner, you know…like eyeliner but for guys so…” I stop talking because suddenly Declan looks all serious and weird. “What’s up with you? Why are you suddenly looking so bloody weird?”
“You called me yours; you’ve never called me yours before.” His eyes are staring down at me so intensely. I stare right back at him, I’m so sure he’s wearing guy-liner.
“Oh well whatever Declan, so as I was saying eye-liner is for us girlies and guy-liner is for you boys…makes it more masculine when you wear it. So, like umm, before a gig when you spruce yourself up it would totally make you sound a bit wimpy asking…say, Max for an eye-liner but if you asked him for his guy-liner, well completely different story.” I give him a smug smile all pleased with myself. I make total sense.
“Shut up Izzy,” he replies.
“Shut up Izzy? What the hell Declan, that’s just rude.” That’s all I get out, because next minute I’m on my back and Declan’s on top of me both hands framing my face, nose to nose, his hot breath mixing with mine.
“If you weren’t so out of your fucking tree right now, I’d show you exactly what you calling me yours, all sexy like that, means in barely any clothes and fucked up hair that looks as if I’ve already had my wicked way with you.”
Oh…
My breathing speeds up along with my heart as what he’s saying, sinks in.
“I’m not that guy though Izzy, I’m not going to take advantage of you in this state, and especially not when you’re taken.” He closes his eyes and it looks as if he’s counting.
“Declan…” I say on a breath. “I’m not that drunk, and yeah I’m already taken but not by who you think.” Well I’m not, but right now I don’t want to announce that. Why, I’m not sure, I’ve forgotten.
Declan rests his head against mine and gently presses his lips to my mouth whispering, “Still not going to.”
I feel sick…shit I’m going to be sick. “Sick…I….sick!” I shout so loud it hurts my head. I clamp my hands over my mouth. Declan picks me up and quickly carries me to the bathroom where I immediately start puking my guts up into the toilet bowl. I can feel his hand on my back stroking it, trying to comfort me, whilst holding my hair back with his other hand.
In between my spasms of sickness I plead for him to leave me, but he refuses the stubborn git. I’m so tired and my whole body hurts and yes something just died in my mouth. I have no idea how long we sit in the bathroom, but I know I must’ve fallen asleep because I wake up with my head in his lap feeling completely sober and so bloody embarrassed I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I refuse to look at him but I need to say something.
“Thank you Declan, please, you don’t need to stay, just leave me, I’m okay now.” I sit back up and lean against the bath. Eeew gross, I have sick on my vest top. I groan and attempt to stand up.
“Come here Izzy, let me help you.” He puts his arm around me, lifting me up to stand. I sway slightly as I reach over to try turn the shower on
but Declan stops me.
“You’re having a shower? Are you steady enough for that Izzy, I don’t want you falling over in there beautiful girl.”
He called me beautiful, I’m anything but. “Yeah I’m okay and I really smell and I have sick in my hair Declan,” I whine childishly back at him.
He starts to chuckle. “I’m not leaving you sweetheart, I’m staying right here. I’ve seen you naked and besides, the screen will cover you,” he smirks.
“Yeah I don’t think so Declan, you need to leave right now.” He’s right though we’ve been naked together before, but it was dark, he hasn’t really seen me, seen my scars.
“Yeah not gonna leave Izzy.” He stands here, arms crossed all defiant, daring me to make him leave.
“Fine, well turn around then if you insist on staying in here.”
I look everywhere but his face, suddenly feeling very shy. Declan turns the shower on and immediately turns around resting his hands on the sink, his head hanging down. I can’t help but admire his arse in those jeans, he really does have a…
“Stop staring at my arse Izzy unless you’re prepared to do something to it,” he laughs.
Shamefaced my head snaps up and I see Declan’s winking reflection in the mirror over the sink. I hurriedly step into the shower, close the screen and realise I’m still wearing my knickers and vest top. I take them off and throw them over the top of the screen and laugh as I hear them hit Declan. Serves him right I chuckle to myself. As I’m shampooing the sick out of my hair Declan starts to ask me about tonight.
“So what happened then, why the drunken stupor?”
I’m not sure how honest I should be with him, because he’s obviously keeping his distance because of Connor. I’m not sure what’s best for us, whether I should be selfish and tell him. “Pass me my toothbrush with some paste on it will you.” Yeah that’s right I think to myself, I’m such a wimp. Declan hands it over the screen and I brush my teeth vigorously as I stand under the spray. I actually start to feel human again.
Broken Fairytale Page 13
