I suddenly hear someone shouting and my head immediately snaps to attention as I see a stretcher being taken out of the house. I want to run over and follow them, see who they’ve found. As if sensing my thoughts, the old lady tightens her fingers on my arm. Fingers that I didn’t realise were still attached to me. My body must be as numb as my mind. It feels as if a fucking hour passes before the stretcher is rushed to one of the waiting ambulances. I hear a paramedic shouting to the waiting driver so wrench myself loose from the crippling fingers and run as close as I can get. My heart drops when I see Izzy’s Mum’s face covered in an oxygen mask, black from the fire, quickly being placed into the ambulance. As it drives off I’m hoping Izzy’s already been taken away, hoping she left the house before this fire took hold. Just hoping…
One of the firemen’s radio comes to life and I, and everyone else hear of another body being recovered. A stretcher flies past me again to the side of the house, and I know. I just know the sight I’ll be forced to face next, will be one I’ll never forget. I know it as strongly as I know that I love the girl who will pass me any minute now. With a fucking painful heart, I know this.
As if in slow motion, the stretcher comes back into my line of vision and I see her. She looks as if she’s sleeping, peacefully. My first thought is that strangely, I can’t see much trace of fire except for her long blonde hair, which is blackened as if it was caught in the blaze. The oxygen mask on her face immediately gives me hope and I run to her side.
“Izzy…Izzy baby, I’m here, you’re not alone and I promise you, I’m not going to leave you again,” I keep shouting random shit at her as I follow the stretcher hoping my voice will wake her up. Hoping she can hear me and won’t feel scared.
“Sir, are you family or friend?” the paramedic hurriedly shouts at me as he loads her onto the waiting ambulance.
“Boyfriend,” I answer as I attempt to climb in with them. For one minute, I think they aren’t going to let me, but they do and I take a seat by her feet whilst they bang on the closing door signalling to the driver to take off to the hospital. The paramedics immediately start working on her as I watch in silence. I have to sit on my hands or I might just grab her and pull her into my lap. Their medical words and questions thrown at me, go way above my head and I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on or what the right answers are. The ambulance suddenly comes to a stop and the doors spring open, waiting medical staff standing on the other side. The paramedics reel off a load of shit and then wheel her out of the ambulance and through the doors, into the hospital. My legs feel like dead weight and I can’t move. But I do and I start to half run so I can catch up with her.
I follow Izzy until they won’t let me come any further. I feel as if I’m on a boat caught in a storm, the axis of the world swaying, combined with a rushing noise in my ears that Izzy once explained to me, reminds her of the sea. I recognise heart break, it’s staring me right in the fucking face. A nurse looks at me sympathetically and shouts for everyone to take a second, for me to touch her or hold her, I don’t know. They respectfully look away as I take her limp, cold hand in mine and hold it up to my heart.
“Remember me…come back to me,” I plead with her as I bend down and kiss her sooty cheek. It probably lasts a fraction of a second before they move her through a set of swinging doors that needs a code to open. Her white face and pale lips are the last image I see, but I can’t see if the light has gone from her eyes, they’re closed. I’m frozen to the spot watching the doors swing furiously behind her until there’s no strength and effort left and they gently close. What the fuck do I do now? I feel around my jeans pockets for my mobile and realise I have no reception in here. Walking outside the hospital I write a quick text message and send it to Sofia and Aiden. I quit smoking a few years back, but in this moment I wish I had a pack on me because my hands need something before I punch a hole in the wall. It’s freezing outside and the rain’s still coming down heavy. My t-shirt it soaked through but I don’t care; all I want is to hold her in my arms, taste her and see her smile.
“Declan!” I hear shouted as Sofia and Aiden run towards me. Sofia doesn’t stop running until her body hits mine and she starts crying.
“What happened Dec?” Aiden asks as the three of us walk back inside, I check the signs for the floor I need to get back to as I quickly fill them in on everything I know, which is basically fuck all.
“I’ll go find out what’s going on, I’ll pretend to be family,” Sofia says giving me a sad smile as Aiden and I go find some empty seats in the waiting room.
“Why the fuck do they put the most uncomfortable and small plastic chairs in a room that has people waiting for hours?” he says as both of us shift in them awkwardly trying to get comfortable, not knowing how long we’ll be sitting here.
“I don’t even know who to call Aiden,” I say, rubbing my hand continuously over my face as I scrunch my eyes tight and try to forget the last image that has tattooed itself onto my eyes.
“Has Izzy ever mentioned anyone else, any other family?” Aiden asks.
“No, never,” I sigh.
“Maybe Sofia knows,” he says, getting his phone out. “Max is just parking the car, he dropped us off.”
As I look at Aiden I suddenly realise that Izzy and her mum may not make it through this. And the only people who know and care, are us, a bunch of strangers in the grand scheme of things. There should be a room full of loved ones, family here for them. They deserve that, Izzy deserves that. Sofia comes back into the waiting room. Her face is so pale I immediately stand up and walk over putting my arm around her. I pull her to the spare seat next to mine and we sit down.
“Izzy’s father died…he died in the fire.” She doesn’t cry but looks as if she may pass out. My stomach drops and for one whole minute…sixty seconds…I feel sorry for him. But then it’s only Izzy I feel sorry for. Not him, not a man I never met, but who on face value, I despise. How’s she gonna feel when she finds out? No matter what’s happened, what he did, he’s still her Dad, or was. They are still related in name and shared blood running through their veins.
“Hey Declan,” Max comes into the room and stirs me out of my thoughts. “Any news?” he asks us, sitting down next to Sofia. I look around and here we are, the four of us sitting in a neat little row and none of us have a bloody clue about much of anything.
“I just checked,” Sofia answers, her voice shaking and tears streaming down her face. “Izzy’s Dad died at the scene, the nurse said something about percentage of burn coverage and inhalation.” Sofia stops and wipes her tears before continuing, “Both Izzy and her Mum are being treated for inhalation of smoke and carbon monoxide. They also suffered second degree burns, but apparently her Mum’s suffering from partial thickness burns which are more severe. I don’t know what it all means really. You’d think I would. I’ve been in a room like this before waiting for Izzy to wake up.”
“Life’s one huge fucking ironic satire at times,” Aiden says, as he stands up and walks over to the large window that overlooks the park and the Thames. I look to the door when I hear it open, hoping it’s a nurse with information on Izzy, but it’s Connor of all people.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him as he walks over to Sofia.
“Sofia sent me a text telling me what happened and there’s nowhere else I should be but here. I care about Izzy, as a friend, a great deal, so please don’t start anything Declan, it’s not the time or the place, okay?” He pulls Sofia up by her hand and sits down taking her with him so she’s sitting on his lap in his arms. Yeah right, ‘cause there’s no other spare chairs in the room.
“I can’t believe this has happened again,” she murmurs over and over. For a brief second, I wonder if there’s something going on between them but it’s quickly forgotten as a nurse walks into the room and towards us. She stops in front of Sofia to acknowledge her and the pair of them leave the room. I sit here in stunned silence for a minute. What the fuck? I quickly jump ou
t of my chair and follow them out. The nurse and Sofia are talking in hushed tones and then the nurse walks away, back through the double doors that swallowed Izzy up.
“She’s going to be okay,” Sofia tells me as she grabs my arm trying not to collapse. “They’re transferring Elizabeth to another hospital with a better equipped burns unit, but Izzy is okay Declan…she’s okay.” Sofia bursts out crying and I hold her in my arms as I feel heavy breaths leave my lungs, a ton of bricks lift of my heart.
“Can we go see her?” I ask.
“Yeah, Karen, the nurse assigned to Izzy said she’d come and tell us when she’s been moved to a different room.” We walk back into the family waiting room and the guys and I decide that everyone should go home. There’s no fucking way I’m leaving though, neither is Sofia so we stay and just wait. It seems like hours pass before Nurse Karen comes back in to see us.
“Izobel’s sleeping but you can go and see her for just a few minutes at a time, each of you,” she says in a stern and practiced voice, even as her eyes look sympathetic. I stand up ready to go, as I look pleadingly at Sofia, knowing by right, she should be going first.
“It’s fine Declan, go and see her,” she says sitting back down, rubbing her hands together nervously but looking less frightened. Karen takes me through those same double doors into a darkened hallway that reeks of antibacterial wash, sickness and death. She pushes a door open and I hear the steady pumping noise of the oxygen machine and the high pitch beeping of a monitor before I see her.
“Just five minutes,” she tells me as she leaves the room quietly.
I walk up to the bed, staggered by how small Izzy looks, her skin as white as the hospital sheets. Her long blonde hair is charred and black at the ends. She looks like an angel after a battle and I can feel my anger increasing when I see bruises on her face. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pick up her hand, trying not to wake her while I make an inventory of her battle wounds and scars. Other than the bruises to her face, the partly burnt hair and a couple of blistered burns on her arms, she looks undamaged. I tell Izzy how much I love her and how strong she is, how she’s a survivor and that I’m here, always, waiting for her to wake up so I can take her home. My heart is her home and hers is mine. Without it, everything feels hollow. And even though my voice is strong, as I tell her all of these things, inside I’m breaking. I lean over and kiss her forehead, the only place I feel safe doing so. It takes so much bloody restraint not to grab her and squeeze her tight. My emotions, everything I’m feeling right now, it all feels as if my skin’s too tight to contain it, as though it’s being stretched to its full capacity. I want to yell, scream or fight. Instead, I stand up and reluctantly walk back out into the dimmed tunnel of hushed whispers and smells of despair, and make my way to the family waiting room.
I wait as Sofia goes in for her turn, to see with her own eyes that Izzy really is okay. She’s not gone long before she walks back into the room looking knackered, but relieved. She’s silently crying but she has a tiny relieved smile on her face. “Are you staying?” she asks me, getting her phone out.
“Yeah, I’m never fucking leaving her again,” I say angrily.
“Listen Declan, this isn’t your fault, you’re not responsible okay.” She stops messing with her phone and looks at me with fierce determination, which is kind of funny considering how small she is compared to me.
“How are you getting back home?” I ask pulling her into a quick hug.
“Connor said he’d pick me up,” she answers, looking down at the floor.
“Connor, hey,” I wink at her.
“Fuck off Declan,” she laughs as her phone beeps. “Right I’m off, tell her I love her and that I’ll come back tomorrow okay.”
“Will do Sofia. Oh and tell Connor thanks.”
She waves as she walks off and I sit back down, wondering when someone will realise I’m still here and kick me out. As the night really draws in, the fluorescent lights are turned off and whatever light remains is dimmed. An eerie silence sets in, only to be suddenly broken every so often by running feet, crying and monotone announcements over an intercom. No one comes in and even though this puzzles me, I’m thankful. I walk over to the dark corner underneath the window and sit down on the floor, pulling my leather jacket tight. I rest my head against the window pane and look out, feeling like shit as I bite on my lip ring. I let Izzy down, I should’ve stayed and then this would’ve never happened. I fucking hope this hasn’t broken her again, I’ve watched her cry and kissed her tears away. I’ve watched her sleeping restlessly, and heard her nightmares in her screams. I’ve felt her fears and her doubts, but more than that, I’ve seen her smiles, seen the light in her eyes, her spirit getting stronger. Fuck, I love her.
The room is getting bloody cold, so I pull my beanie back on. I notice a discarded notepad on the side table and get a pen out of my pocket, automatically writing down words to help unscramble all the thoughts in my head.
Chapter Twenty-two
Declan
I must have dozed off, as I come around to a hand on my shoulder, which is trying to rouse me awake. I open my eyes and see the nurse from last night trying to tempt me with a coffee from Costas. “It’s okay, I knew you were in here but I left you to it. What the duty manager doesn’t know and all that,” she says with a wink. “I don’t know how you take your coffee so I got a white no sugar.”
I give her a genuine smile to show my gratefulness and how much I appreciate her discretion. “Spot on Karen.”
“Family visiting hours start soon and as I’m on shift, I’ll let you in to see your girlfriend as soon as possible.”
“Thank you again, I really appreciate this,” I tell her, genuinely grateful for this kind hearted nurse.
“Right, well I best get moving, I’ll come get you when it’s time.”
I watch her leave thanking the lucky stars that Izzy got such an understanding nurse. I drink the coffee, trying to quench my thirst but scalding my mouth in the process, before I go to the bathroom to freshen up. I pop a mint ready to see her; hoping she’s awake so I can look into those eyes of hers again. For some reason seeing those eyes and checking for that light is all I can focus on right now. Nothing’s more important. My neck and shoulders are killing me, a trapped nerve from falling asleep on the floor. I try and massage it away while I wait. Needing something to do with my hands, I leaf through the old and out of date magazines on the table. The selection is shit as usual. Not only are they over a year old, but unless you have an interest in fishing, interior decorating or gossip that has lost all meaning, you’re pretty fucked.
I stand up to stretch my legs as I realise what a fucking mess this all is. The last twenty-four hours have played out like a bloody soap opera. Lightening never strikes twice right? It’s a cheap strike by some fucked up hand delivering a blow for a blow. Take the life that took another; an eye for an eye. If I’d seen this play out on the big screen, I would’ve laughed and thought it was bullshit. Unless the guilty hand that played the fate, dealt?
I push my hands through my hair as I sit down again, my head hanging down between my knees. I really don’t want to disappoint Izzy or let her down. I’m hers and she’s mine and I’ll make bloody sure she gets through this; I just hope my love is enough. There’s no way we’ll be over before we’ve really begun. This is our fate, she’s mine, and this, this right here, what happened, will not take her away from me, I’ll make damned sure of that.
I pick up the pen and paper again, as my thoughts go on a bender, words furiously expelled from my overcrowded brain.
“I remember when we used to be the ones who were too blind to see the way
When times were tough and all went wrong we showed them all that we belong together
In the end it’s just you and me and that’s the way we’ll always be
You’re my evidence….
That there is a way…. to realise our time is now….just Breathe.
No matter what life t
hrows at me
You and I will always be…
We just need to realise…
And….Breathe”
“You ready to go see her Declan, she’s just waking up?” Karen asks, coming into the room and taking me out of my thoughts. I look up and see her standing in front of me. I didn’t even hear her open the door.
“Yeah, thank you, lead the way,” I say, standing up. Taking a deep steadying breath, I put my beanie and my leather jacket back on, folding up the songs and sticking them in my pocket for later. Just as she’s about to open the door to Izzy’s room her hands pause and she turns around to face me.
“I’m sure you’d like some time with her before the old bill turn up, they’ll be here soon to take a statement from her.”
I nod and take a step into the room, ready to see my beautiful girl.
Chapter Twenty-three
I wake up with a horrible metallic taste in my mouth, I try and swallow it away, noting my scratchy throat and the smell of burning in my nose. I daren’t open my eyes, as long as I haven’t greeted the light of consciousness, I can pretend. I remember everything and I know exactly where I am. I remember the nurse who came in to see me in the night when I rang the panic button, I remember her kind face and I know what my injuries are. It’s déjà vu of the most horrific and soul destroying kind but this time without the permanent scars. My memories of yesterday are hazy but I can remember understanding what was happening, what I walked in on. It remains, as if burnt into my soul; that suspicion, which I’ll never voice to anyone out of fear of recriminations.
I hear the door open and I smell him immediately. His mixed scent of man and aftershave, permeating through the acrid burnt smell, fighting away the memories of last night and winning.
“Izzy?” he asks cautiously. I want to answer him but I just don’t know what to say. I hear the high pitched scratch of a chair as it’s dragged across the hard linoleum floor before he sits down next to me, his clothes brushing against the bed sheets. It’s odd how you can have your eyes closed, yet still see shadows through the darkness. I know he’s leaning over me before I feel the heat and softness of his lips on my forehead.
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