‘That night in the Sick Bay, the night Nurse Willard was attacked,’ he said. ‘There was something between us, wasn’t there? You felt it too, I know you did.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Helen said flatly. But when she closed her eyes, she could still feel the electric thrill that had gone through her when they’d looked at each other.
‘You did. I could see it in your eyes. Why won’t you admit it?’
It was the hoarse pleading note in his voice that broke her, far more than his anger ever could.
‘All right,’ she admitted. ‘I did – feel something. But nothing can ever come of it,’ she added sharply.
‘Why not?’
She couldn’t tell him. She’d already exposed enough of herself to him. Any more and he would know all her secrets. And then she would be powerless against him.
‘Please, go,’ she begged.
‘I can’t,’ he said simply. ‘I can’t walk away from you, Helen. You think I haven’t tried? You think if I could just turn away and forget you, I wouldn’t have done it a long time ago? I’ve watched you,’ he said. ‘I’ve been through agonies, seeing you with someone else. And now I’ve found you, you’re pushing me away . . .’
‘No!’ She shook her head, as if she could shake the tormenting thoughts out of it. ‘We can’t be together. Don’t you see, that’s why I have to go.’
He crossed the room in a second, grabbing her wrists, holding her against him. ‘Why? Why do you have to go?’
‘Because I’m scared!’
She was scared now, his face only inches from hers, so close she could see the shadow of stubble on his jaw, see his pupils turning his eyes almost black. The truth was out, and it had left her shaking.
Slowly his face was transformed. Warmth kindled in his brown eyes. ‘Why, Helen?’ His voice was gentle, uncomprehending. ‘What are you scared of?’
‘This. Us. It’s – it’s too much.’
Once she’d said it, she realised why she had been so attracted to Chris. He was safe. She liked him, had even told herself she loved him. She wanted him physically. But he had never laid claim to her heart, and she’d known he never would.
But David McKay was different. ‘You could hurt me,’ she whispered to him.
His dark brows drew together. ‘You know I’d never do that.’
‘How can you be sure?’ Tears clogged her voice. ‘How can you make a promise like that? Charlie never meant to hurt me, but he still did. How do I know you won’t do the same? I don’t think I could live through that again . . .’
‘So you think it’s better to run and hide than to risk feeling anything?’ His eyes searched her face. ‘Don’t you think I’m scared too? I’ve run away from love my whole life. I’m terrified of the idea of giving my heart to anyone, because I’ve seen what it’s like when it gets trampled on. But I’m willing to take a risk with you, because I have no choice.’ His voice was ragged with longing. ‘I don’t have any other choice because a life without you is no life at all.’ His mouth curved into a small, sad smile. ‘All I know is, I’d rather live a day of happiness with you than a lifetime without you.’
He took her hand and pressed it to his chest. She could feel the warmth of his body, the steady beat of his heart under the solid wall of muscle. ‘I’m willing to risk it,’ he said softly. ‘Will you?’
For a moment she couldn’t breathe. All her senses were screaming at her to say yes, to be with him, to answer the call of her heart.
‘I can’t,’ she said, pulling her hand away and letting it drop to her side. ‘I’m not ready . . .’
‘And will you ever be ready?’
‘I – I don’t know,’ she admitted sadly.
‘Very well.’ She heard him sigh but couldn’t meet his eyes. She knew if she did she would be lost. ‘Then I won’t bother you again.’
He went to the door. ‘Let me know when you are ready. If it’s not too late by then,’ he said shortly.
Helen stared at the door for a long time after he’d gone. The air still seemed to vibrate with the imprint of his presence.
It was already too late for her. That was the problem.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
EFFIE CRAMMED THE last of her belongings into her suitcase and slammed the lid shut.
‘Well, this is it, girls.’ She tried to smile bravely, but couldn’t stop her lips from trembling.
Devora was crying too. Even Jess, who never cried, looked close to shedding a tear.
‘I wish you didn’t have to go,’ Devora said.
‘I don’t want to,’ Effie said. ‘It’s not fair you two are allowed to stay and I have to go back to Ireland.’
The day before, Matron had announced that any student above second year could stay on at the Nightingale if they wished, on the understanding that their studies would not continue until after the war was over. Or, if they preferred, they could transfer to another hospital outside London to finish their training in the normal way.
Most of the students had opted to stay except for Effie, who had already promised her mother she would go home in this eventuality.
‘At least you’ll qualify next year,’ Jess reminded her. ‘If this war carries on we might be thirty before we get our State Finals!’
‘How do I have a hope of passing without you to help me study?’ Effie replied.
Her sisters took her to the station to catch the train to Liverpool, much to Effie’s chagrin.
‘You don’t have to take me all the way, you know. I’m not going to make a bolt for it!’ she grumbled as they all got off the bus. The streets were full of men in uniform. Buses full of troops rumbled past, calling out to the girls. Effie smiled and waved back, until Bridget nudged her.
‘Behave yourself,’ she hissed. ‘And you wonder why we have to put you on the train!’
Katie was very quiet, Effie noticed. She’d hardly said a word on the bus journey from Bethnal Green, which was unusual for her because usually she never shut up.
‘You know, it’s a shame I can’t stay a couple more days, just to see you married,’ Effie said to her.
‘Not a chance!’ Bridget broke in. ‘I promised Mammy I’d see you on that train, and that’s what I’m going to do. Now wait there while I go and buy your ticket.’
As she walked away, Effie turned back to Katie. ‘Be sure to send me a photograph, won’t you? And write and tell me all the details. I bet you’ll make a beautiful bride,’ she sighed.
Katie scowled at her. ‘Oh, sod you, Euphemia O’Hara!’ she snapped. ‘Why did you have to pick now of all times to be so bloody nice?’
Effie stared at her, perplexed. ‘What have I done now?’
Katie glanced past her to where Bridget was lining up at the ticket office, then fumbled in her pocket and drew out an envelope.
‘I wasn’t supposed to give you this,’ she said, handing it over. ‘It came for you last week. Mr Hopkins gave it to Bridget by mistake – God knows why, since no one in their right mind would ever send her a love letter!’
Effie stared down at the envelope. It was covered in hastily scrawled hearts and kisses.
‘Anyway, I wanted to give it to you but Bridget said we couldn’t because, knowing you, you’d get some romantic notion in your head and decide not to get on the train,’ Katie continued. ‘But since you’ve been so nice, I feel rotten about it . . .’
But Effie wasn’t listening. She was too busy reading the letter. ‘When did you say this arrived?’ she asked.
‘Last week sometime – Monday, I think. Look, Bridget’s coming back. For God’s sake, don’t tell her I – Effie? Effie, where are you going?’
‘I’ve got to meet someone,’ she threw back over her shoulder, already hurrying away.
‘Not again!’
Dora fumed as the train lurched to a halt for the fifth time. She stood up, jostled her way to the window and leaned out to have a look.
‘Would you believe it, we’ve been pushed
into another siding! It’ll take a month of Sundays to get to Kent at this rate.’
It’s all the trains carrying troops,’ Helen said, fussing over baby Winifred in her arms. ‘They have to keep shunting us to one side to let them through.’
‘I know that,’ Dora said, sitting down again. ‘But if it takes much longer the babies are going to need feeding again. And how am I going to manage that on a crowded train, eh?’
The carriage was packed full of forlorn-looking children clutching cardboard suitcases, luggage tags dangling from their coats. The lucky ones huddled with their brothers and sisters while others sat alone, pale and frightened. The netting shelves above their heads sagged under the weight of baggage.
Helen handed the baby back to Dora and reached into her pocket for a bag of humbugs, which she offered round to the children nearest to her.
‘Dora, I – I think Walter n-needs changing,’ Danny said.
‘Oh, that’s all I need!’ she said crossly. Helen stared across at her. She had never seen her friend in such a frazzled state.
Helen leaned across to her. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Of course I’m not all right!’ Dora retorted, her green eyes flaring. ‘Do I look all right? I’ve got two hungry babies, I’ve left my home, my family and my husband behind and don’t know if I’m going to see any of them again. This war’s only been going for three days and I’m already sick of it. And I’m bloody sick to the back teeth of being brave, too!’
Then, to Helen’s utter astonishment, she burst into tears.
Helen took the baby from her arms and gave her to Danny, then squeezed into the seat next to her friend and cuddled her.
‘I don’t even know why I’m doing this,’ Dora sobbed, her tears soaking through Helen’s summer dress. ‘I didn’t want to go in the first place, but Nick insisted. I hate the country. It’s too big and dark and it stinks of God knows what. I’ve been there hop picking and I didn’t like it then and I ain’t going to like it now.’
She stopped, exhausted by her rant, and caught Helen’s eye for the first time. They stared at each other for a moment and then Dora started laughing. ‘Oh, blimey, look at me!’ she said, smiling bleary-eyed through her tears. ‘What must I look like? In a train full of kids I’m the only one crying!’
‘You’re not the only one,’ Helen said, wiping a tear from her eye.
Dora pulled out a handkerchief to mop her eyes. ‘Are you having second thoughts too?’ she asked.
Helen nodded. ‘I really wish I weren’t.’
‘You never told me why you changed your mind and decided to come?’
‘Because I’m a coward. Someone offered me everything I’d ever wanted and I was too scared to take it in case it was taken away from me again.’
‘What you’ve never had you never miss,’ Dora said.
‘Except I do miss it,’ Helen sighed. Just knowing what she and David could have shared if only she’d been brave was enough to make her hurt.
‘It’s a risk, you know,’ Dora said, handing back the handkerchief. ‘Every time you give your heart to someone, you take a chance that it’s going to get broken. But if you don’t, you never know what you could have had.’
David’s words came back to her: I’d rather live a day of happiness with you than a lifetime without you.
The troop train rumbled past at last. Any moment now and they would be moving again, getting further and further from London with every passing moment.
‘I can’t do this,’ said Helen suddenly. She shot to her feet and wrestled her bag from overhead, watched by a dozen pairs of wide, astonished eyes.
‘What? Where are you going?’
‘I’ve got to get off this train.’
‘I’m coming with you.’ Dora was on her feet too. ‘Get the bags, Danny.’ She scooped the babies out of his arms so he could grab their luggage.
‘You don’t have to come!’
‘You’re having a laugh, ain’t you? If you think you’re going back to London without me, you’ve got another think coming, mate! I want to get off this train just as much as you do!’
They climbed off, passing bags and babies between them until they were all safely on the ground. And not a moment too soon, as the train rumbled off.
They watched it disappearing down the track in a cloud of dirty grey steam.
‘Ain’t w-we going to the country no more, Dora?’ Danny asked.
‘Don’t look like it, mate.’ She shaded her eyes and squinted up and down the track. ‘Where are we?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Helen admitted. Next to the railway line was a patchwork of grey rooftops, and beyond that in the distance the glistening ribbon of the Thames. ‘Not too far from the city, though.’
‘Thank the Lord for that slow train!’ Dora grinned.
‘H-how will we get home?’ Danny asked.
Helen looked around her. ‘I suppose if we went down that path there, we could find a bus to take us back to the city at least.’
She glanced at Dora. Now her initial bravado had worn off, Helen was beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea.
But she’d reckoned without her friend’s optimism. ‘That’s good enough for me.’ Dora smiled back at her and hoisted a baby higher on her hip. ‘London here we come!’ She grinned at Danny. ‘Tell you what, though, Dan. I reckon we’re going to have some explaining to do to your brother when we get home!’
Chapter Fifty-Eight
IT TOOK EVERY last farthing of the savings Effie had stuffed in the top of her stocking to pay the taxi fare to Pimlico.
All the way she couldn’t stop thinking about Adam’s letter. He’d poured his heart out on the page, told her what a complete fool he was for letting her go, how much he loved her. He’d even quoted Robert Browning to try to explain the depth of his feelings for her. It was just the kind of wonderfully romantic letter Effie had always dreamed of receiving.
The taxi pulled into the leafy square fringed by tall houses with white porticos and Effie suddenly remembered the last time she’d come here, the day Adeline had arrived to take possession of Adam again. Effie’s stomach churned with emotion, remembering how humiliated she’d felt as she stumbled down that flight of stone steps. All the time she’d hoped that Adam might follow her, tell her he’d been wrong ever to allow Adeline back into his life.
And now, finally, he had.
As she was paying the driver, the front door opened and he came out.
‘Effie?’ He looked stunned to see her. Effie was shocked to see him, too. She hardly recognised him in his khaki army uniform. For a moment they could only stare at each other, speechless.
‘I didn’t think you were coming,’ he said finally. ‘When you didn’t reply to my letter, I thought you didn’t want to see me any more.’
‘My sister only just gave it to me,’ Effie said, still transfixed by the sight of his uniform. ‘You’re really going then?’
‘I don’t have much choice. I registered as a conscientious objector, but the tribunal threw it out. Now I have to do six months’ military training and I don’t want to go.’
Effie stared at his sullen face and thought about all the porters and medical students at the hospital, going off with cheerful stoicism to do their duty.
‘I don’t suppose anyone wants to go,’ she said.
‘I daresay you’re right.’ Adam looked abashed. ‘Thank you for coming to see me, anyway. It means such a lot to me.’
Effie glanced away so she didn’t have to look into his green eyes. ‘Adeline isn’t here then?’
‘I told you in my letter, didn’t I? She’s gone.’
‘Did you really send her away?’
He nodded. ‘I knew you were right, that Adeline was only using me, but I didn’t want to admit it. My stupid pride, I suppose.’ His mouth twisted. ‘At any rate, as soon as you left I realised my mistake. I should never have let you walk out. Can you forgive me?’
‘Yes, of course. That’s why
I’m here.’
‘Really?’ His face lit up. ‘Oh, Effie, I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you say that—’
He took a step towards her, arms outstretched, but Effie sidestepped his embrace. ‘I’ve been learning poetry,’ she said.
‘Oh, yes?’ He frowned, half amused.
‘I wanted to impress you, you see. I wanted you to think I was as cultured as you and Adeline.’
‘You didn’t have to do that.’
‘I felt I did.’ She paused. ‘I learned a new poem last night, as a matter of fact. ‘The Bargain’, by Sir Philip Sidney. Do you know it at all? My true love hath my heart, and I have his . . .’ she quoted the first line.
He nodded. ‘It’s one of my favourites.’
‘Mine too,’ she agreed. ‘You really feel the love in those lines, don’t you? He loves my heart, for once it was his own. I cherish his because in me it bides.’ She sighed at the sentiment.
‘Yes, it’s beautiful.’
‘They love each other so deeply, it’s as if they have each other’s hearts beating in their chests. They feel each other’s pain. Can you imagine loving someone like that?’
He paused a fraction too long. ‘I do,’ he answered. ‘That’s how I feel about you.’
He reached for her hands, but she pulled them away. ‘No, you don’t. You want to be in love with me, just like you wanted to be in love with Adeline. You’re desperate to love someone. But you can’t love me because you don’t know me, not really.’ She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly cold in spite of the warmth of the day. ‘I tried so hard to be the person I thought you wanted me to be,’ she said. ‘But then I realised, if I had to change that much you couldn’t really love me.’
‘I do love you, and you don’t have to change,’ Adam insisted. ‘I love you just the way you are.’
‘No, you don’t.’
‘Then I’ll change. I’ll try to be the kind of man you want me to be.’
She shook her head. ‘Don’t you see, Adam? Neither of us should have to change. We should love each other just the way we are.’
His broad shoulders slumped in defeat. ‘What do you want me to do, then?’
A Nightingale Christmas Wish Page 35
