“Don’t be. Just know, some days are easier than others. Go do something you like when you are feeling down, sometimes go do something that you and Janie enjoyed together, to remember her. Someday, you’ll be ready to move on.”
“Move on?”
“To love someone again.”
“Have you moved on?” I ask her hopefully, knowing in my heart that Janie would be a woman that I would love forever.
“Not yet. I have my daughter, and I’m young enough that I think…” and this time she was the one crying.
I quickly stood and signed the paperwork she had pulled out and stood before her, until she got the hint and stood herself. I gave her a hug and buried my face in the side of her neck as we both cried for lost loves. After a minute, as things were dying down, my phone started ringing.
“Go on, get it,” Katy said, pushing me backwards playfully, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“It’s probably…”
“Momma,” she finished.
I looked down and it was. I hit answer and begged for her to hold on a second.
“Are we good here?” I asked Katy?
“If you need more than six weeks, call me,” she said before making a shooing gesture. I made my way out of her office towards the front door, the parking lot, and my car. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath before talking to Janie’s mother.
Chapter 2 – Funeral
September 16th, 2015
Janie’s parents, Frank and Katherine handled most of the funeral arrangements. The week leading up to the funeral, I stayed at their house, in Janie’s old bedroom. I know that sounds counterproductive, but it was the only thing keeping me from falling into a bottle of tequila. Everything in the room reminded me of Janie, and her family and I were close. I lost my parents at a young age, and had no siblings. Once my grandparents passed, I literally was adrift until I met Janie, the wiry firebrand who would consume my life, my heart and my every waking moment.
Frank was definitely the head of household, but Katherine held veto power over everything. That became apparent rather quickly, but it was done in such a way that Frank had to smile and agree with his wife, even during difficult times like this. The only pain in the ass I had was Janie’s little sister, Sarah. I was 24 when I met Janie, and her sister was just about to graduate high school, and had pestered us to no end in our early dating relationship to help her get out of the house, to buy beer, and to make excuses for her to go see a boy her parents didn’t approve of.
I might have been able to muster some anger at Sarah if I hadn’t been in such a funk. She complained about everything we were doing, and had quietly called me a freak when I had asked to stay in Janie’s room to be close to the family. She was probably right, but I didn’t care. Frank and Katherine were the closest thing I had left to family, and I needed them as much as they needed me. Sarah was willful, strong and didn’t want me there. I got that, but in my selfishness I didn’t care.
The day before the funeral, I was walking to the kitchen to get a quick sandwich when I heard Frank and Katherine talking softly in the living room.
“I almost wish I wouldn’t have told him,” Katherine said to Frank.
“He isn’t a bother. They were in love.” Frank’s voice floated up out of the living room, almost unheard over the crackle of the gas log fireplace.
“It isn’t that… not at all. He just looks so hollowed out, broken. He doesn’t have anybody else you know.”
“I do Hun, I do. I have no doubt that he would have made a great son…”
And for a moment they were both sobbing quietly, and I padded into the kitchen as quiet as I could, feeling guilty for overhearing things. I fixed myself a salami on rye with a slice of mozzarella when Sarah snuck in quietly behind me.
“You,” she said quietly.
“Me?” I asked puzzled.
“You know, some days I want to punch you and others I want to hug you,” she stated flatly.
“Why is that?”
“Would she still be here if you guys hadn’t broken up?” she asked sharply, her eyes red.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I’d been wrestling with that question myself all week.
“Why did you guys break up?” she asked, her icy demeanor cracking.
“I don’t know really…” I stammered.
“You do.”
“It isn’t all that easy,” I was waffling, and knew it.
“No, it truly is easy. Why did you break up?”
“Because I was immature and insecure?” I admitted.
“What?” She looked puzzled.
“Because… Her professor…”
“Doctor hot body?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I heard about him from Samantha.” Samantha was Janie’s best friend, one who’d I’d been avoiding talking to on the phone.
“Janie told me that he asked her out… And I got pissed. Of course she said no, but after a while, I was paranoid that something was going on,” I admitted, and Sarah just nodded.
“For a while after you guys broke up, Janie considered going out on a date with him, just to shut him up. She had planned on being the worst date ever so he would leave her alone.”
“Wait, so …?”
“Nothing ever happened. She would have told me. Even after she dumped you for being an obsessive ass, she still loved you.”
“I still love her.” I admitted.
“Then prove it.”
“How?”
“Go on living.”
++++++++++++
I almost made it through the funeral without losing control of my emotions but, at the very end, the professor showed up. Frank caught my glare and recognized the murder in my eyes and both Katherine and Frank took an arm each as I had started to move. With each arm safely entrapped, I calmed and stared daggers at him. Would Janie still be alive if he hadn’t tried to date a student? I imagined dark and murderous thoughts as I glared at him as the coffin was lowered into the ground. It was finally time, and I walked to a flower arrangement, pulling some red roses and softly tossing them onto the casket.
I walked away before the emotions could overcome me, and I acted out my mental fantasies on the professor. We rode back to the house in the limo the funeral home provided, and the driver must have been perceptive, because as the tears started streaming down my cheeks, he produced a pint of Cuervo from his inner suit pocked and slipped it to me before my in-laws could make it to the door. I quickly downed it and nodded thanks. He sadly gave me the man nod in acknowledgment and slid the privacy compartment up. With nowhere to stash the bottle, I tucked it into my pocket, mirroring the driver, and slumped in the far seat. The alcohol hit, and my mind blurred.
I’m not a big drinker, but drinking was in my blood. My parents died when my dad drove into the side of a bridge while intoxicated. I lived with my grandparents until I was 17, and then set off on my own. Being the son of an alcoholic, you’d think I’d have more tolerance, but I didn’t. I slept for most of the ride back to Janie’s family house. I awoke as Sarah pulled at the front of my suit. I looked around blearily, and noticed we were the only ones in the limo.
“Where are your parents?” I asked her slurring slightly.
“Inside. They didn’t notice, but you need to go in. How much did you have?”
“Bottle.” I admitted.
“How big a bottle?”
I held my hands six inches apart.
“Lightweight. Let’s get you in. Can you walk?” she asked as she pulled me to the door.
“Yeah, I’m just exhausted.”
“I know.”
I wondered about that. How would she know? The little brat had done everything she could to make me feel unwelcome, and the disgusted look she was giving me made me feel like shit. Hell, I realized that this was probably how my dad felt every time he’d come home from the bar after missing a family night, drunk and reeking of cheap liquor.
She practically shoved me
into Janie’s bedroom and shut the door. I looked at the alarm clock next to the bed. 4:30pm. I kicked my shoes off and lay down, pulling a pillow close, trying to mimic the feeling of holding Janie close as I fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter 3 – Go North
September 17th, 2015
My head hurt as I awoke. It wasn’t a horrible hangover like I expected, more of a sinus headache from crying. I felt my pillow and confirmed the source. I had dreamed of Janie all night and had left a wet spot on the pillow. I was wiping my eyes and blowing my nose when a tentative knock sounded from the closed door.
“Come in,” I answered.
Katherine came in and sat at the foot of the bed. She noted me wearing yesterday’s clothing and the bed that had been slept on top of. I hadn’t even unmade it before becoming overcome by exhaustion and grief.
“Rough night?” she asked.
I just nodded.
“You know, this might not be healthy,” she told me, looking around the room.
“I know. I just needed to survive the week. I think I’m going to go home today.”
“What’s at home?”
“Nothing really. I just have to find a way to…”
“You know the baby was yours?” Katherine asked softly.
“I was pretty sure of it.”
“No, it was. Professor Sage never came near Janie.”
“We were broke up.”
“She was three months pregnant,” she reminded me. That meant she was pregnant a month before the breakup, and I nodded.
“Ok, bad choice of words, Katherine.” I told her sitting up.
“You would have made a great father,” she said, rubbing my foot a moment before standing up.
“I hope so; at least I want to be better than my father was,” I admitted.
“You would have been the greatest. That’s why I don’t want to see you moping around, drinking…”
“I actually didn’t have that much…”
“I know, Sarah ratted you out,” she said and I mentally started cursing the brat, “But it’s understandable. Frank is still in bed nursing a hangover,” she said with a sad smile.
“It won’t be a habit,” I promised.
“Oh Jim, I’m not worried about that, I just want to make sure you aren’t wallowing in a vat of self pity.”
“I kind of am, aren’t I?”
“Yes, yes you are.”
“Sarah seems to be handling everything OK,” I said, with some internal resentment for Janie’s sister.
“Sarah is just taking it out on you. She handles things differently, that’s all.”
“Different is right…” I said softly.
It wasn’t meant as a joke, but we both startled ourselves with quiet laughter, before she pulled my hand and I got to my feet. I could smell food, and for the first time in a week I felt hungry. Before, eating had been done only to ensure the motor kept turning, but the smell of frying potatoes, eggs and some sort of cheese had my mouth watering.
“Sarah’s cooking. I promise your food isn’t going to be poisoned. Come on down, let’s get some food.”
For once, Sarah had nothing to say, her eyes were red, and underneath them was dark and puffy. She’d had a night of crying as well and, for once, I felt sorry for her. She stood there, chewing her bottom lip and finished cooking what she declared to be a poor man’s omelet. Fried potatoes, a dozen eggs, three slices of ham diced, onion and a handful of mozzarella cheese, all scrambled together. It tasted as good as it smelled.
We ate in silence, and I was surprised when Sarah grabbed us all coffee mugs and poured a big cup for me.
“You OK, Sarah?” I asked, touched by her thoughtfulness.
“I’m better than you look,” she said smartly.
A startled squeak erupted from Katherine and soon we were all laughing, until the tears were running down our cheeks. Every time we almost got a hold of ourselves, somebody would snicker and we were off again. A heavy thumping on the stairs had us all turn, and Frank descended the stairs slowly, one hand pinching the bridge of his nose, the other holding onto the railing, his eyes open to slits.
“Is that coffee I smell?” he asked.
Sarah poured him a cup and we sat in silence, just enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t know how to broach the subject, but it had been on my mind all morning since talking to Katherine. I needed to get away, from the house and from the memories. I suddenly wanted to be alone. After sitting with my thoughts for a while, everyone waiting for Frank to finish breakfast, I finally started to speak. Before I could open my mouth all the way, Frank asked me a question.
“Do you still like to hunt?” he looked to me.
“Yes sir.” I answered.
“I have to tie some things up at work, but in two or three weeks is hunting season. Want to join me for a bear hunt, or go after some whitetails?”
“Sure. I’ve got some personal time off from work.”
“You don’t have to go back right away?” he asked me, incredulously.
“No. I’ve got about a month’s worth of vacation saved up,” I admitted.
“Well, you can go up whenever you want,” Frank said, digging in his pants pocket. He pulled out a key chain and disconnected a smaller ring of keys and tossed them to me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“We have a cabin up near Charlevoix. I mainly use it as a hunting cabin, but it’s got enough room for six people. It’s a little rustic, but it’s near the lake and the fishing is great…”
I was sold at that point, and took the keys, marveling at their shape, wishing Janie was coming with me. I stared at the key and wondered if this was the sort of silence I needed. It would be a nice get away, but I wasn’t sure.
“I appreciate it Frank, but…”
“Come with me a second, would you?” Frank asked me, motioning to the living room.
“Sure.”
We stopped next to the fireplace, and the girls at the table looked at us from across the house. We should be out of earshot if we were quiet.
“Listen, Jim. I know this hurts, I can’t imagine what you are going through. If you want to go up there and have some alone time, this would be the perfect place. There is one neighbor, and he’s a mile away. It’s a five minute walk to the lake, and I have a rowboat on the water.”
“That sounds great.”
“You have a hunting rifle?” he asked.
“No, just a .22 my grandpa left me.”
“Ahhh, well, I have enough up there in the gun case, pick something out and take it to the shale pit at the end of the road and see what’s comfortable. I’ll be up there as soon as I can,” he said enthusiastically. I knew it was forced, but I played along.
“That sounds…”
“Great, I know. I have to get out of here too,” he admitted, his smile dropping. “Truthfully, I’d go right now if Katherine and Sarah didn’t need me.”
“I’m sold. When should I go?” I asked, old memories of camping with my parents surfacing. I fought the grimace down, trying to keep a happy face on for Frank. I honestly think he needed it more than me, but I was adrift, purposeless, and his suggestion gave me a small measure of hope. Hope that I could not cry myself to sleep for a night.
“You have the keys. Just pick up some supplies; the closest town is 20 miles away. Oh, and fill your gas tank when you get close to East Jordan.”
“How come?” I ask him, curiously.
“Because the cabin is in a very rural area, and most of the town it’s in is seasonal. It’s either a summer or snowmobiling weather town. In the fall….” he made a motion with his hand like things were iffy. “You don’t want to run out of gas there. Cell phone reception sucks.”
“Is there a land line?”
“Yeah, and a big propane tank. I just paid the bill, so it should be filled. Oh, and a pot bellied stove and…”
“It’s still 70 degrees outside, Frank.” I laughed; it was the first time I’d seen Frank
gush, and it was a little disarming.
“Not up there, it probably goes down to the 40s at night time. I have a binder on the bookshelf that outlines what it takes to get the cabin weatherproofed for a long absence, and how to open it up for the season.”
“A binder?” Isn’t that sort of … anal? I thought to myself.
“Yes, in case the girls need to open it without me. It’s a unique cabin, one that’s been passed down from my great grandparents. Janie learned to ride her bike there, learned to swim, and met her first boyfriend…” he stammered, before walking to the mantle of the fireplace and looking into the flames.
“Frank… I miss her too.”
Frank surprised me; he turned and roughly hugged me, and patted me on the back before walking back into the kitchen. I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath until I gasped, and I sat on the recliner facing the fireplace, crying once again. An hour passed, and Katherine joined me in the other chair, handing me a glass of amber liquid with a couple of ice cubes. I drank deeply, recognizing the flavor of tequila, and leaned back, letting the warmth of the fire and the soft crackling sounds lull my whirling brain into calmness once again.
I cried silently, the tears running down my cheeks unchecked as I remembered both the happy times, and the bitter arguments that led to mine and Janie’s breakup. Soft hands kneaded my shoulders and soon I fell asleep sitting up, my drink forgotten.
Chapter 4 – The Cabin
September 17th, 2015
I waved them all goodbye the next morning, a hand drawn map and a large travel mug of coffee ready for my trip. I stopped at my apartment and grabbed some winter boots, a coat, hat, gloves and, almost as an afterthought, my .22. I knew I couldn’t hunt bear or elk with it, but with so much turmoil in my life, it was a piece of my history. I also found the two boxes of shells in the bottom of my closet and packed it all up into my Jeep and set out.
The drive wasn’t horrible, but it took me close to five hours to make it. The directions were pretty straight forward, but I had lifted an eyebrow when Katherine had written “go five driveways north of the intersection in town and turn up it, turn left on the railroad tracks and follow that for ½ mile, turn right on logging trail…” I had asked her if the cabin was on any sort of road. Frank and Katherine smiled and shook their heads; Sarah just had given me a disgusted look and left the room.
Flirting With Death: Surviving The Infected Page 2
